To ban my bullying sister from seeing my kids?

[PontinsBeach]

I’ve got 2 teenagers just a year apart, a DS15 with ASD and DD14 with anxiety and depression. Both are school refusers, I am trying my best and working with relevant authorities. DD often spends all day in bed (DS wakes up but will play video games) and I have to WFH but I make sure they come out at least once a day. As soon as I finish work at 2pm (I start early) both DC will come on a long dog walk at a country park and we’ll go to a cafe for cake/coffee afterwards.

My sister has a holier than thou attitude and is always giving me shit about my kids. Her adult DD and DS are ‘perfect’, both went to top RG uni’s, never had any kind of issue and now both live abroad with great jobs and she is constantly comparing them to my DC.

On Friday, I had to call in sick due to a cold. Around 1pm whilst feeling like shit, with DC still in bed, I get a text from Dsis announcing she was 2 minutes away. She does this often, I was fuming as house was a tip. When she arrived I told her I wasn’t well, and she just sort of pushed passed me and said “Oh well I’ll make you a cup of tea!!!!!”. She set off my 2 Alsatians who were barking for England and I had to settle them.

Then, as expected, the arsey comments about my kids started. “Little madam is in bed I take it? My daughter was always up by 6 on a weekend for her part-time job!” “What’s he doing? For goodness sake, you need to get him a proper hobby. He’ll wither away, no wonder he’s skin and bones!”. Her DH has ‘aspergers’ (yes I know it’s not called that but that’s the term she uses) and she thinks she’s the autism expert because of it, and implies my DS in non-verbal due to my failings. DS wears headphones when out for sensory reasons and once in a coffee shop she tried to bully him into removing them saying it was rude. Her husband who has a great job in finance is a completely different kettle of fish to my son FFS.

Her kids always had a very regimented routine, both with a long list of chores and several hobbies each, they never had ‘chill’ time. This is simply impossible for my kids due to their additional needs, they would not cope with me forcing things on them. As I say, we’ve come up with our own plans with authorities. DS is getting a grant so I can take him to places for enrichment (and is also slowing building a relationship with a key worker who will take him out) and DD may potentially be able to start a college course early at 15 at a small local animal care college, which is an environment I think she’ll thrive in as the rough, large local comp nearly killed her (horrific bullying). So it’s not like I’ve got nothing in place for them.

She just went on and on. Bla bla bla fucking bla. My kids cannot stand her as she always makes them uncomfortable, goes into DD’s room whilst she’s sleeping and lectures her. Dsis works part-time so is here a lot. Last Monday it was just before DD was going into the shower to get ready (and she was doing well that day, up at 12pm and expressing an interest in doing some baking), Dsis arrived, went up to her room and went on for half an hour about how DD should be up and ready before noon. DD was in tears afterwards and went back to bed for the rest of the day, it set her back.

Anyway, back to Friday, she gave me my drink then took herself upstairs. I could hear her. She tried to talk to non-verbal DS so I went up, and as usual, she looked shocked and appalled when he blanked her. She went into DD’s room with DD fast asleep started loudly clapping her hands (As usual. It’s also a huge sensory trigger for DS and in the midst of everything I heard him slamming his bedroom door repeatedly) shouting “Right you! Up now! You can’t live like this!!!! Your poor mum is ill and you need to pull your weight!!!! Come and make her some soup!!!”. In the end it was humiliating for DD as she had slept just in bottom underwear (her thermostat is broken and her room is boiling) so when Dsis pulled her duvet off she was exposed. DD then started crying and begging me to intervene. This is notable behaviour for DD as she usually doesn’t break down until Dsis leaves (Dsis is a huge anxiety trigger for her) but this time she started crying and having a panic attack in front of Dsis, DD finally ‘snapped’.

I lost my shit, this has been happening consistently for years and I was done. I grabbed her arm, pulled her into the hallway, told her she was a fucking disgrace for bullying my vulnerable kids and basically said “Fuck off and don’t ever talk to me again.” She continued lecturing me about my parenting so I threatened to call the police to get rid of her then she sheepishly left. I then sent her a message saying if she turns up again, she’s not being let in, and forceful attempts WILL result in me calling the police as I feel I have to safeguard my children from her. I also sent a text to my parents to inform them I am done with her. My parents are angry with me but I can’t have her around my kids anymore.

unless you have an autistic child you haven’t got a b***y clue. This sister is in no way supportive she just makes Op’s life even harder. Austism is a disability and very hard for both the children and the parents. If the sister doesn’t go by Ops rules and treat her and her kids with respect she shouldn’t be allowed in. You mums slagging off Op do not realise how incredibly hard and isolating being an autistic parent can be, and the constant judging from family, and even professionals is sole destroying. I’m totally in your corner OP. We have to care for our kids because we know them best, and very few other people care. They just want to force them to be like NT’s and they’re not!

Your sister was a bit overbearing in what she did and obviously crossed a line, but I think she was coming from a good place.
It sounds like you've got a plan for your DS, which is good, but if your DD is suffering from poor mental health due to bullying I don't see how sleeping until 1pm is going to make her feel better.

Ive worked with teens with such severe asd that they were able to eat, point and tap their hands on a desk. They didn't like music, TV, games, anything. Just sitting alone and tapping was what they wanted to do for hours on end. So I totally understand, the mainstream idea of what you should be doing with your asd ds is not going to work. Keep doing what works for you and him.

I'm not there, don't know the situation or your kids, but based purely on what I've read I'd say DD should be being pushed to have more of a routine at home. Up early, shower, dressed, help making breakfast, help with chores, bit of free time, your usual walk, help cook dinner... fill the day with things that are enjoyable, ever so slightly challenging and therefore rewarding.

Loneliness and boredom feed depression, routine and responsibility might help and set her up for success at her college placement.

If need be why not go to the docs and sign off with stress for a while to get these routines set up and spend some time together? If anyone sounds like they deserve a break from work, it's you!

You’re targeting your energy at the wrong person. Your sister went about this badly, but what the hell is going on with your kids?
No wonder your daughter is depressed and anxious if she’s allowed to wither away in bed all day and not go to school. DS allowed to play video games all day? Where’s the parenting?

I’m afraid that you need to wake up and see that something is seriously amiss at home if these issues have arisen and address that first. Who cares about your sister, you need to sort your kids out!

YANBU I would never allow her to darken your daughter ever again, what a vile, entitled bullying bitch she is! How dare she!

Btw, as someone who has Aspergers, just politely, you are wrong, the term is still used and in very wide medical and societal usage; many of us "Aspies" (as we call ourselves), prefer Aspie or Aspergers to Autistic or ASD, because to us High Functioning Autists, Autism has connotations of non-verbal, severely disabled etc. Where as Aspergers means High Functioning, so there is a difference between Aspergers and severe Autism, and we prefer the distinction known. We feel more comfortable with the term Aspergers. Just so you know.

Have you even bothered to read all OP's posts?

#darken your door that should be, not daughter.

Once kids get to a certain age and size it's impossible to physically make them get up and out. Mental Health and other issues are real and parents can be at their wits end trying to find solutions.
If things are in place for January that is a good start op. I wonder if you could my I've the long walk a half hour earlier. Have some reason/ excuse so it doesn't seem to them a sudden arbitrary change. If you could get that established you could then maybe move it another half hour forward. I would leave the 'reward' coffee and cake in place. Sometimes struggling teens need a motivator and it's a good time to talk. You could maybe incorporate an afternoon at the gym eventually. Do they need/like own spending money Op? If so using it as a carrot for small steps forward can work ...until hopefully gradual new routines are made You do need to keep your sister away from them. However motivated she is to help her intervention is clearly doing the opposite. Try to keep her away without falling out with her or your parents though. You don't need the extra stress.💐

Could you possibly be more uneducated, ignorant and disablist!?

How dare you! This is not 'bad parenting', the children have disabilities! You should be ashamed of your ignorance.

You are not being unreasonable, OP. She might have good intentions but she is making your life a lot harder and you and your DC don't need that. Everyone who has kids who didn't have severe problems is a fucking expert on parenting. I pretty much thought I had it sussed with my eldest - with my youngest and her personality disorder, not a fucking clue! I hope things get better for you DD soon.

So anyone whose children live abroad have done so to escape overbearing parents ?

what bollocks

@JennyNotFromTheBlock I too have a neurodivergent child and I can tell you it's not an excuse to allow them to do nothing! They still need guidance, support and direction. They are children, not adults. Allowing them to do nothing on a long term basis, is not good for their mental health which is already fragile. Tbh my DD actually needs extra guidance, emotional support & direction

As the OP has already said, she has applied for help and will be getting that next year.

I DO have an Autistic child and as per my post above, I disagree that OP is handling this correctly. As I said in my previous post, children with Autism/any other Neurodivergence still need guidance etc. Just shrugging your shoulders and allowing them to do nothing and then reaffirm this allowance by rewarding them with cake every day, is simply making matters worse. I don't however agree with how the sister has said all this of course

You can’t speak for all. Functioning labels are harmful, the spectrum isn’t a linear continuum from mild to severe. ‘High functioning’ autism doesn’t mean it isn’t severe and is mild, and doesn’t mean the person isn’t non-verbal. All high functioning means is someone’s IQ is above 70. There’s also a difference between what used to be diagnosed as AS (which isn’t diagnosed anymore) and HFA.

But what’s being done this year? Nothing at all by the sounds of it. Not even basic home education or basic home cleaning.

@JennyNotFromTheBlock But what about before next year? There are other options besides school and hanging around in bed all day.
In our area at least (unsure if area dependant) the county council will provide a tutor to come to the house provided there is an adult over 18 in the house at all times - OP says she works from home. They don't need to be in the room, just present in the house. There are also referral units the teens can attend on more flexible schedule than that of school. As they're teens, they could be doing some work themselves, provided by school....

@JennyNotFromTheBlock How dare you try and speak for all Autistic people??? There are millions who despise the term Asperger's!

I never said I speak for all, however you appear to be with your blanket statement that "Functioning labels are harmful" which is ignorant and offensive. Deeply ignorant, uneducated and offensive. And just plain wrong. High Functioning, if you educate yourself, does indeed mean it isn't severe and is mild. It has NOTHING EVEN REMOTELY to do with IQ where are you getting all this from?? AS is HFA, and yes it is still diagnosed as such.

There’s support that OP could access now, that should have been put in place a long time ago. And there’s support OP could be applying for now that takes a while to put in place. She doesn’t have to wait until next year.

@ChristmasisRuined how DARE you try to verbal me and gaslight me! At NO STAGE have I said I speak for all people with Austism.

Thatsnotmycar
what other support could she be applying for now? Given she's working with the local authorities and has a plan in place I got the impression she's applied for help and got what is available in her area.

Do you honestly think if those options were easy to access, that the OP would not be doing that by now?

You have absolutely no clue, none whatsoever, and are speaking from a place of ignorance and privilege.

There clearly is not support that she can access now. You don't have a clue and your judgement is way out of line. Given she is liaising with the Council, it seems she is on track and doing everything she possibly can. She doesn't need ignorance or judgement.

@UnshakenNeedsStirring Why do you keep talking about what your son CAN do? He is now in last year of his engineering degree. Its been v v hard as a single parent, financially emotionally and physically. I have the peace of mind knowing that he will complete his education and then the next battle will be to try to find him a job

You're honestly comparing your son to OPs son? They have completely different needs.

ChristmasisRuined
That you said they both could be doing some work themselves, provided by the school highlights how massively you are ignorant to the severity of the sons condition.
OP is working with a case worker to access additional enrichment opportunities for her son. Its a multi step process, already being undertaken and one she would need to have pushed for. She's also engaging with local authorities. It's not fair to say she's just shrugging her shoulders