To ban my bullying sister from seeing my kids?

[PontinsBeach]

I’ve got 2 teenagers just a year apart, a DS15 with ASD and DD14 with anxiety and depression. Both are school refusers, I am trying my best and working with relevant authorities. DD often spends all day in bed (DS wakes up but will play video games) and I have to WFH but I make sure they come out at least once a day. As soon as I finish work at 2pm (I start early) both DC will come on a long dog walk at a country park and we’ll go to a cafe for cake/coffee afterwards.

My sister has a holier than thou attitude and is always giving me shit about my kids. Her adult DD and DS are ‘perfect’, both went to top RG uni’s, never had any kind of issue and now both live abroad with great jobs and she is constantly comparing them to my DC.

On Friday, I had to call in sick due to a cold. Around 1pm whilst feeling like shit, with DC still in bed, I get a text from Dsis announcing she was 2 minutes away. She does this often, I was fuming as house was a tip. When she arrived I told her I wasn’t well, and she just sort of pushed passed me and said “Oh well I’ll make you a cup of tea!!!!!”. She set off my 2 Alsatians who were barking for England and I had to settle them.

Then, as expected, the arsey comments about my kids started. “Little madam is in bed I take it? My daughter was always up by 6 on a weekend for her part-time job!” “What’s he doing? For goodness sake, you need to get him a proper hobby. He’ll wither away, no wonder he’s skin and bones!”. Her DH has ‘aspergers’ (yes I know it’s not called that but that’s the term she uses) and she thinks she’s the autism expert because of it, and implies my DS in non-verbal due to my failings. DS wears headphones when out for sensory reasons and once in a coffee shop she tried to bully him into removing them saying it was rude. Her husband who has a great job in finance is a completely different kettle of fish to my son FFS.

Her kids always had a very regimented routine, both with a long list of chores and several hobbies each, they never had ‘chill’ time. This is simply impossible for my kids due to their additional needs, they would not cope with me forcing things on them. As I say, we’ve come up with our own plans with authorities. DS is getting a grant so I can take him to places for enrichment (and is also slowing building a relationship with a key worker who will take him out) and DD may potentially be able to start a college course early at 15 at a small local animal care college, which is an environment I think she’ll thrive in as the rough, large local comp nearly killed her (horrific bullying). So it’s not like I’ve got nothing in place for them.

She just went on and on. Bla bla bla fucking bla. My kids cannot stand her as she always makes them uncomfortable, goes into DD’s room whilst she’s sleeping and lectures her. Dsis works part-time so is here a lot. Last Monday it was just before DD was going into the shower to get ready (and she was doing well that day, up at 12pm and expressing an interest in doing some baking), Dsis arrived, went up to her room and went on for half an hour about how DD should be up and ready before noon. DD was in tears afterwards and went back to bed for the rest of the day, it set her back.

Anyway, back to Friday, she gave me my drink then took herself upstairs. I could hear her. She tried to talk to non-verbal DS so I went up, and as usual, she looked shocked and appalled when he blanked her. She went into DD’s room with DD fast asleep started loudly clapping her hands (As usual. It’s also a huge sensory trigger for DS and in the midst of everything I heard him slamming his bedroom door repeatedly) shouting “Right you! Up now! You can’t live like this!!!! Your poor mum is ill and you need to pull your weight!!!! Come and make her some soup!!!”. In the end it was humiliating for DD as she had slept just in bottom underwear (her thermostat is broken and her room is boiling) so when Dsis pulled her duvet off she was exposed. DD then started crying and begging me to intervene. This is notable behaviour for DD as she usually doesn’t break down until Dsis leaves (Dsis is a huge anxiety trigger for her) but this time she started crying and having a panic attack in front of Dsis, DD finally ‘snapped’.

I lost my shit, this has been happening consistently for years and I was done. I grabbed her arm, pulled her into the hallway, told her she was a fucking disgrace for bullying my vulnerable kids and basically said “Fuck off and don’t ever talk to me again.” She continued lecturing me about my parenting so I threatened to call the police to get rid of her then she sheepishly left. I then sent her a message saying if she turns up again, she’s not being let in, and forceful attempts WILL result in me calling the police as I feel I have to safeguard my children from her. I also sent a text to my parents to inform them I am done with her. My parents are angry with me but I can’t have her around my kids anymore.

One is severely autistic and non verbal and the other was horribly bullied and tried to kill herself. Both are involved with services and have plans in place for the near future.Does that "wash" with you?

I’m 100% with you OP.

If you had a friend who was struggling at work like your DC have been you’d tell them to get a new job.

I have 2 autistic dc who are both struggling with school. One spent most of last year sobbing under the kitchen table when it was time to leave the house. It doesn’t just affect the child who’s struggling- it has a knock on effect on the whole family & it can be horrific.

If they’ve not been through it, they’re not going to understand.

It sounds like you have a great plan for them & you’re doing well getting them out of the house daily. Mine are still in their pyjamas today & one hasn’t moved from the couch since he got up. But that’s what he needs today, so that’s what he’s doing. I’ve heard too many stories about autistic burnout-I’m not doing that to my kids for a tick in an attendance box. If they’re that stressed/anxious-they’re not going to learn anything anyway.

So please ignore ANYONE telling you they need to be in school. Forcing mine in last year actually made things worse.

As for your sister I’d have banned her from the house long ago from the sounds of it. She’s hurting your children in their own home. She’s literally invading their safe spaces & making things worse. Until she can learn to keep her opinions (& her shouting & her clapping) to herself, she’d not be welcome. I’d also take your kids lead on this before she’s welcome back.

Yeah you need to sort your kids out, that’s no life

If it was me she'd have left through the nearest upstairs window. We are a ND family, all four of us. Like your BIL I'm what would have once been described as Aspergers although I don't use that term. My youngest is only 4 but she's speech delayed ASC, PDA, SPD, global development delay and although its early days and we are hoping for a miracle there's a large probability that she will never be independent. It's fucking hard. It sounds like things are difficult right now but I think you are absolutely right to remove her influence from your children. I think there's a real chance her absence will help your kids and I hope it does. I also hope she sees the error of her ways and you two can move forward as friends again although in my experience people who behave this way rarely change their ways.

Projection of my own personality 🤣

Sorry you've had some really harsh responses. You sound like a lovely Mum, doing your best in difficult circumstances. Success for your DCs isn't going to look the same as success for your DSis's DCs, but that's fine. She is a bully and you've done the right thing in putting a stop to her behaviour. Maybe once things have calmed down you could agree to see her, but make it just the two of you and do it on neutral ground away from your kids. If she starts on about them, just say you are happy with your plans and don't want to discuss it or hear any more criticism. If she keeps going, just leave. It's a bit drastic to cut all ties with her - she is your sister, after all, but that does not give her the right to behave in such a horrible way with your kids. I'd leave your parents out of it, and if they question you, just explain calmly that you have plans in place for your children but they struggle with their aunt's constant criticism and lack of respect for their personal space and you need to keep them apart from her. Good luck.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy is a complete wanker.
@PontinsBeach you sound like an amazing and considerate and proactive mum. You wee absolutely right to ban your sister, but it’s hard to see you should have stopped her well before this leaving her to shout at your kids for 30mins, but it’s hard to see when you’re in the thick of it. Dont let her in again, you don’t have to and there is a reason her kids moved abroad,

TBH there are so many issues here.

Your DS obviously has profound SN which means that he is not able to access standard education etc, and as such you are having to wait for the right processes to be in place.

However, while anxiety can be debilitating, giving into it in the way you are is not helping, it’s hindering your DD.

It sounds to me as if you have categorised your DD into the same category as your DS. Because he can’t do certain things, you have convinced yourself that she can’t either, or shouldn’t be made to.

And you seem to see this course as a magic bullet which is going to fix everything and give your DD the will to get out of bed. It’s not. A new course is going to be something new, with new people, new experiences, and if she’s suffering from anxiety you allowing her to stay in bed and only get up for cake is not preparing her to go back into the world. And what then? What happens when this course turns out to be stressful? Will you just put her back to bed and allow her to stay there until she finds something else she wants to do and so on?

There is not a professional in the world who will advocate for someone with anxiety to purely give into it and never be challenged to live as close to a normal life as is possible. You’re not helping her at all.

I'm quite shocked at this OP.

Your children aren't living at all, they're just existing.

Having said that, whilst I can see how worried your sister is about them, she's gone about it completely the wrong way.

I hope things improve for your children soon.

Glad to read you told your sister to 'do one' she sounds awful and a bully. Stick by it and don't let her back in your dc lives.

I have a friend who has a dd similar to yours, except she's now 18 and has an apprenticeship in a vets to become a veterinary nurse and she absolutely loves it. She also went to a special collage at 14. Keep on doing what you're doing, your dd will thank yo for it and likely have a good career because of it

The school and bullies have created this situation so leave the OP alone.

Yanbu but I would look into getting your dd assessed for asd. She sounds like a classic presentation of asd in girls. Teenage burn out its so common with autistic girls, between hormone fluctuations and the pressure to mask more because our peers are pulling away from us , this all leads to burnout. What you are letting her do, rest and find balance, is exactly what she needs. Some people on mn talk such bs about neurodiversity.

@PontinsBeach Your sister is a disgrace. Don’t ever let her in your home again and keep her far away from your children.

Your ex is a idiot. Severely disabled children such as your DS can be the most loving people around (if they feel safe and secure) because they give carers unconditional affection. Your ex is too stupid and horrible to not see this.

You are doing a great job with your DD. She is still recovering from her difficult time in school and she’s going to be starting a course in January.

I wish you all well.

You know nothing about ND and children with huge needs, I guess you think those in wheel chairs are just lazy and can't be arsed to walk?

Op this isn’t your fault - there’s an epidemic of kids staying in their rooms. They’re probably hiding from all the judgemental people on this thread!

I’ve got one myself but he lives with his dad which makes it even more difficult to help. You’re doing your best - you’ve got stuff in place and you’re making some progress. The only thing you’ve done wrong is letting your sister get away with some very inappropriate behaviour. For your children’s sake keep away from her. Otherwise your children will end up losing their tempers and she’ll blame them.

@Scottsy100 "just sounds like no-one can be arsed" - FFS if you had any idea how hard you have to fight to get even minimal support for kids in this situation, you'd know that the OP will have had to spend countless hours wrestling with the LA and mental health system to get her son's grant and key worker, and the alternative provision starting in January for her daughter. She's done fantastically well to get that far. My daughter has been out of school for over two years, in that time we've had ONE phonecall from educational welfare, to say "ask for a camhs referral" - cos of course we'd never have thought of that ourselves, doh! It's taken nearly two years to get a diagnosis and some appropriate help, and we've had to pay for a lot of things along the way, but that option isn't open to everyone and without it you're at the mercy of waiting lists that are years long.

However, while anxiety can be debilitating, giving into it in the way you are is not helping, it’s hindering your DD.

Giving in to it!! Have all the campaigns about mental health awareness done nothing!!?? Do people not understand how totally debilitating anxiety can be? This is a child who has tried to take her own life FGS!

If there is one thing I cannot stand it is holier-than-thou people like the OP's sister who not only think they know better than anyone else, but have a right to tell others what to do.

And there are a few on here, who just totally fail to grasp the situation.

Really? That should like the life they should be living? I know we want to be open about mental health but not the extent we turn a blind eye and keep pretending every situation is fine and is as it should be.

She sounds absolutely appalling. Who TF does she think she is?

My kids are scared of her.

This is what matters. You did the right thing telling her to fuck off. She has no right to behave like that with your kids, even if they were just average, stroppy teens.

As it is, whether or not you are handling your kids the right way is not up to her. I hope you and the kids get all the help you need and am glad to hear your SIL is more understanding.

@ldontWanna Its not about comparisons. Just that we all have struggles and we all have different levels of struggle. Surely there must be some support? I didnt get it from school and fortunately I could afford to go private with financial help from grandparents. I didnt let my son sleep till midday and encouraged him to wake up early. It was like drawing blood out of a stone and I had severe issues myself in trying to sort things out for him. But hard work and perseverance pays off. LEtting them so as they please never works. Kids must be encourages and supported with a method that works for them. AS a parent sometimes you go mad trying to find what works, not easy but giving up isnt an option, at least not for me.

God there are some ignorant posters on here severely lacking in empathy.

OP, I was where you are 10 years ago. I let my DC do things in their own time. Thankfully I didn’t have any obnoxious busy bodies interfering. They got there under their own steam and are thriving. They feel empowered and in control of their own lives. “Forcing” is not helpful. It will only fuel resentment, depression, and other negative feelings.

Even now DS will happily sleep till 1 on a day off, so fucking what! It isn’t some moral failing to enjoy a lie in. He was in the pattern of up all night, asleep half the day and once he got a job, he was up and out no problem. In fact he’s far better in the mornings than I am! Never late, never takes a day off sick.

Neurotypical people see their way as the only/right way. Keep a routine, go outside every day, be a good little citizen. I find it quite robotic tbh. You are responding to your DCs needs and trust me they will thank you for it, no matter what some people on here think. They’ve just been conditioned by society so it’s not really their fault. They just can’t think outside the box.

@PontinsBeach most of the people on this thread haven't got a clue. Ignore their ignorance and their judgement. The fact that you have a plan in place with the LA is bloody amazing and shows how hard you've worked to support your kids. That you get them out and about is a huge thing too and so good for their mental health.

You've done exactly the right thing re your dsis - hold firm on your boundaries.

There is so much ignorance out there and in this thread. Fucking appalling.

This is a really sad situation all round. She hasn’t gone about it the right way but she’s there, she’s present and she cares. Obviously she isn’t helping but you need to be frank with her about how she can actually help (if you know). From the outside it looks like your family is in crisis, I’m not sure many people would know how to navigate this and help.

But she hasn't given up. He is getting a grant (which i bet OP had to fight a lot to get) and slowly building a relationship with a keyworker with the aim of having more activities in the future. So there are things in place, a plan for the future and professional involvement. It's just that at the moment it's very slow going , presumably with the pace set by her DS's needs. However, it will never be about functional adults,or job interviews or the ability to live independently.

It's also just a temporary situation while the children 1.recover from the trauma of a system that failed them and 2. Get all the support they need in place.

God there are some ignorant posters on here severely lacking in empathy.

Yes, this is the second thread today where an OP who is clearly at the end of their rope has been given a real kicking. I've never been keen on "If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all" but the level of calculated spite is awful.