To ban my bullying sister from seeing my kids?

[PontinsBeach]

I’ve got 2 teenagers just a year apart, a DS15 with ASD and DD14 with anxiety and depression. Both are school refusers, I am trying my best and working with relevant authorities. DD often spends all day in bed (DS wakes up but will play video games) and I have to WFH but I make sure they come out at least once a day. As soon as I finish work at 2pm (I start early) both DC will come on a long dog walk at a country park and we’ll go to a cafe for cake/coffee afterwards.

My sister has a holier than thou attitude and is always giving me shit about my kids. Her adult DD and DS are ‘perfect’, both went to top RG uni’s, never had any kind of issue and now both live abroad with great jobs and she is constantly comparing them to my DC.

On Friday, I had to call in sick due to a cold. Around 1pm whilst feeling like shit, with DC still in bed, I get a text from Dsis announcing she was 2 minutes away. She does this often, I was fuming as house was a tip. When she arrived I told her I wasn’t well, and she just sort of pushed passed me and said “Oh well I’ll make you a cup of tea!!!!!”. She set off my 2 Alsatians who were barking for England and I had to settle them.

Then, as expected, the arsey comments about my kids started. “Little madam is in bed I take it? My daughter was always up by 6 on a weekend for her part-time job!” “What’s he doing? For goodness sake, you need to get him a proper hobby. He’ll wither away, no wonder he’s skin and bones!”. Her DH has ‘aspergers’ (yes I know it’s not called that but that’s the term she uses) and she thinks she’s the autism expert because of it, and implies my DS in non-verbal due to my failings. DS wears headphones when out for sensory reasons and once in a coffee shop she tried to bully him into removing them saying it was rude. Her husband who has a great job in finance is a completely different kettle of fish to my son FFS.

Her kids always had a very regimented routine, both with a long list of chores and several hobbies each, they never had ‘chill’ time. This is simply impossible for my kids due to their additional needs, they would not cope with me forcing things on them. As I say, we’ve come up with our own plans with authorities. DS is getting a grant so I can take him to places for enrichment (and is also slowing building a relationship with a key worker who will take him out) and DD may potentially be able to start a college course early at 15 at a small local animal care college, which is an environment I think she’ll thrive in as the rough, large local comp nearly killed her (horrific bullying). So it’s not like I’ve got nothing in place for them.

She just went on and on. Bla bla bla fucking bla. My kids cannot stand her as she always makes them uncomfortable, goes into DD’s room whilst she’s sleeping and lectures her. Dsis works part-time so is here a lot. Last Monday it was just before DD was going into the shower to get ready (and she was doing well that day, up at 12pm and expressing an interest in doing some baking), Dsis arrived, went up to her room and went on for half an hour about how DD should be up and ready before noon. DD was in tears afterwards and went back to bed for the rest of the day, it set her back.

Anyway, back to Friday, she gave me my drink then took herself upstairs. I could hear her. She tried to talk to non-verbal DS so I went up, and as usual, she looked shocked and appalled when he blanked her. She went into DD’s room with DD fast asleep started loudly clapping her hands (As usual. It’s also a huge sensory trigger for DS and in the midst of everything I heard him slamming his bedroom door repeatedly) shouting “Right you! Up now! You can’t live like this!!!! Your poor mum is ill and you need to pull your weight!!!! Come and make her some soup!!!”. In the end it was humiliating for DD as she had slept just in bottom underwear (her thermostat is broken and her room is boiling) so when Dsis pulled her duvet off she was exposed. DD then started crying and begging me to intervene. This is notable behaviour for DD as she usually doesn’t break down until Dsis leaves (Dsis is a huge anxiety trigger for her) but this time she started crying and having a panic attack in front of Dsis, DD finally ‘snapped’.

I lost my shit, this has been happening consistently for years and I was done. I grabbed her arm, pulled her into the hallway, told her she was a fucking disgrace for bullying my vulnerable kids and basically said “Fuck off and don’t ever talk to me again.” She continued lecturing me about my parenting so I threatened to call the police to get rid of her then she sheepishly left. I then sent her a message saying if she turns up again, she’s not being let in, and forceful attempts WILL result in me calling the police as I feel I have to safeguard my children from her. I also sent a text to my parents to inform them I am done with her. My parents are angry with me but I can’t have her around my kids anymore.

i really agree with this.

She might not have gone about it in the nicest way, but agree with this 100%

Urgh there’s so many gross people on this thread it just needs throwing in the bin now.
OP your sister deserved it! And worse! I think she wasn’t doing it to be helpful or nice, she was doing it to satisfy her own saviour and superiority complex. Some people think they can save others with no information or skills or tact or kindness, it’s all just their ego. I’d start to say the same to some posters on this thread but narcissistic people never hear it, they just continue on thinking so highly of themselves and their own opinion and never listening or learning anything new.
You’ve managed to find a job and a home and a lifestyle that is working for you as a single mum caring for two children with additional needs, and protected them from their shit father and arsehole aunt and a failing school system. You’re a hero.

@Livinginanotherworld would you say the same if this situation was because her kids have cancer?

Some of the posters on here are so ignorant and stupid it is beyond belief!! Most of you probably know nothing about autism or the spectrum or about mental health or anything that is outside of your little world so please have a bit of empathy - what support or help are you giving to the OP - none whatsoever- think about it!

I have a 14 year old no way would Iet him not attend school. I think your dd knows what she's doing getting to see her brother stay at home playing video games and sleeping in. One child with struggles due to sen but two one which doesn't have Sen I think is a clear pattern, by allowing her to stay at home your feeding into the problem. What steps can you do with the school to work with them to reduce anxiety.

I can see that your sister is concerned for you and your children but definitely not going about showing it the right way or offering any practical or useful support! She sounds very much like my grandparents generation……..there were no autistic children or children with different needs in their day etc. This attitude helps nobody and shouldn’t be prevalent in this day and age given that there’s more knowledge and information and more understanding (or at least there should be). I hope your reaction will have shocked her into realising the error of her ways.

You have no idea of the reality of clinical anxiety. Would you really force your child to attend school if it was damaging his mental health?

Op you know your sister, is there any chance she is doing this from a place of love for you?
She sees you are struggling and flying solo with a ND son and is trying to get your dd to help you because she thinks she can? Obviously she doesn't realise how debilitating your DDs mental health is.

My son is autistic. Does not want to wake up. Didnt want to go t college. I had to get him counselling, Took a part time job so I could fit it with looking after him. Sacrifices need to be made to make sure your children have a head start in life. He is now in last year of his engineering degree. Its been v v hard as a single parent, financially emotionally and physically. I have the peace of mind knowing that he will complete his education and then the next battle will be to try to find him a job and give him enough confidence to sit for an interview.

You do not owe this woman anything - certainly not a say in how you choose to bring them up. If you were just following this regime because you couldn't be arsed, then she might have a point. But you are dealing with a very difficult situation on your own, with the help of the authorities who clearly know about the plans that are in hand.

You are right to tell her to go forth and multiply and you must stick to that.

Some children are not suited to the school system - you sacrifice their childhood by making them fit in to an artificial environment. I think it sounds as though you are doing all the right things - I am sure your life would be easier if they just happily popped off to school each morning - but that is not possible and you are doing your best in a difficult situation - you do not need this interfering woman coming in and behaving badly in what is your home.

Only on mumsnet can a non verbal child being berated by a grown adult and a depressed, half naked teenager being humiliated by that same adult be seen as being ‘for the best of the children’ fuck.my.actual.life what is wrong with you people. And don’t even get me started on the unfeeling cretin who would have us believe she
works with ND children.

OP keep doing what you’re doing. You’re working within your childrens needs. If your parents can’t accept you cutting out your sister then you may need to go LC with them too. It’s really no surprise her children have fucked off overseas

@ldontWanna he also has social anxiety, is also diagnosed with dyspraxia and has always been dyslexic too.

Many children with ASD have major sleeping problems, so it absolutely can be an excuse for sleeping till 1pm. Educate yourself.

Bloody good for you. It will have been really helpful for your kids to have heard you defend them like that and send her packing.
As a mum with kids in similar situation the LAST thing you or they need is her awful attitude and behaviour around you regularly, if at all.,
The very fact she describes her husband as having Asperger's means she has no clue about autism.

Nonsense. You could not write in the way you have if you had professional experience of ND children and all the problems there are around securing anything approaching adequate support for them.

What sort of person would go into someone else's house, barge upstairs uninvited and start verbally abusing their family?

This is grossly abnormal behaviour ad you are right to stamp it out.

I have an early teenage relative who suffers with anxiety - he is desperately at risk and needs kindness and consideration - there are some things he simply cannot do. We all love him dearly and try and gentle him through the difficult times.

You have got to be fucking kidding me. You ignorant, horrible human.

That sounds really difficult, I hope he has a good outcome with your help and support and well done for doing your best.

But here's the thing. OP's child can't even communicate. At all. He only claps and screeches and that's at 15. He doesn't function at his chronological age .How much learning do you think he can access? How can he do a part time job? How can he access an interview?

While your son's struggles are massive , you're comparing apples and pears. I'm sure OP would give her right hand for her son to be able to do even half the things your son does .

This.

Please contact 101 for support so that awful woman is told to never come near you, your children or home again.

Storming your daughters bedroom and removing her bedding is truly a shocking violation of her.

Shocking.

Text her to tell her that you are involving the police.

She should NEVER be allowed near your children again.

She pushed her way into your home.
This is a police matter.

It's not an accident her children are no longer in the same country as her.

Protect your children from this awful woman, at all cost.

Your poor children.

@LaGioconda there absolutely are "professionals" out there that operate in absolutes and think that kids with SEN or SEMH will fit into neat little boxes. Different boxes maybe ,but just as rigid. If it's not on the tick sheet then it doesn't exist/it's their fault/ their parent's fault.

That's how kids get lost in the system or get traumatised by it even more.

I have to agree with her to be honest she is probably in her own way just trying to help what she sees as a family disaster, just leaving your kids to do as they please and stay in bed till 1pm in the afternoon just because you describe them as “vulnerable” sorry doesn’t wash with me I’m afraid, just sounds like no one can be arsed.

@Scottsy100

No one can be arsed? Hahahaaa. The fact that that’s your first assumption screams not only projection of your own personality, but a lack of basic understanding about ASD and anxiety.

Absolutely this.