To ban my bullying sister from seeing my kids?

[PontinsBeach]

I’ve got 2 teenagers just a year apart, a DS15 with ASD and DD14 with anxiety and depression. Both are school refusers, I am trying my best and working with relevant authorities. DD often spends all day in bed (DS wakes up but will play video games) and I have to WFH but I make sure they come out at least once a day. As soon as I finish work at 2pm (I start early) both DC will come on a long dog walk at a country park and we’ll go to a cafe for cake/coffee afterwards.

My sister has a holier than thou attitude and is always giving me shit about my kids. Her adult DD and DS are ‘perfect’, both went to top RG uni’s, never had any kind of issue and now both live abroad with great jobs and she is constantly comparing them to my DC.

On Friday, I had to call in sick due to a cold. Around 1pm whilst feeling like shit, with DC still in bed, I get a text from Dsis announcing she was 2 minutes away. She does this often, I was fuming as house was a tip. When she arrived I told her I wasn’t well, and she just sort of pushed passed me and said “Oh well I’ll make you a cup of tea!!!!!”. She set off my 2 Alsatians who were barking for England and I had to settle them.

Then, as expected, the arsey comments about my kids started. “Little madam is in bed I take it? My daughter was always up by 6 on a weekend for her part-time job!” “What’s he doing? For goodness sake, you need to get him a proper hobby. He’ll wither away, no wonder he’s skin and bones!”. Her DH has ‘aspergers’ (yes I know it’s not called that but that’s the term she uses) and she thinks she’s the autism expert because of it, and implies my DS in non-verbal due to my failings. DS wears headphones when out for sensory reasons and once in a coffee shop she tried to bully him into removing them saying it was rude. Her husband who has a great job in finance is a completely different kettle of fish to my son FFS.

Her kids always had a very regimented routine, both with a long list of chores and several hobbies each, they never had ‘chill’ time. This is simply impossible for my kids due to their additional needs, they would not cope with me forcing things on them. As I say, we’ve come up with our own plans with authorities. DS is getting a grant so I can take him to places for enrichment (and is also slowing building a relationship with a key worker who will take him out) and DD may potentially be able to start a college course early at 15 at a small local animal care college, which is an environment I think she’ll thrive in as the rough, large local comp nearly killed her (horrific bullying). So it’s not like I’ve got nothing in place for them.

She just went on and on. Bla bla bla fucking bla. My kids cannot stand her as she always makes them uncomfortable, goes into DD’s room whilst she’s sleeping and lectures her. Dsis works part-time so is here a lot. Last Monday it was just before DD was going into the shower to get ready (and she was doing well that day, up at 12pm and expressing an interest in doing some baking), Dsis arrived, went up to her room and went on for half an hour about how DD should be up and ready before noon. DD was in tears afterwards and went back to bed for the rest of the day, it set her back.

Anyway, back to Friday, she gave me my drink then took herself upstairs. I could hear her. She tried to talk to non-verbal DS so I went up, and as usual, she looked shocked and appalled when he blanked her. She went into DD’s room with DD fast asleep started loudly clapping her hands (As usual. It’s also a huge sensory trigger for DS and in the midst of everything I heard him slamming his bedroom door repeatedly) shouting “Right you! Up now! You can’t live like this!!!! Your poor mum is ill and you need to pull your weight!!!! Come and make her some soup!!!”. In the end it was humiliating for DD as she had slept just in bottom underwear (her thermostat is broken and her room is boiling) so when Dsis pulled her duvet off she was exposed. DD then started crying and begging me to intervene. This is notable behaviour for DD as she usually doesn’t break down until Dsis leaves (Dsis is a huge anxiety trigger for her) but this time she started crying and having a panic attack in front of Dsis, DD finally ‘snapped’.

I lost my shit, this has been happening consistently for years and I was done. I grabbed her arm, pulled her into the hallway, told her she was a fucking disgrace for bullying my vulnerable kids and basically said “Fuck off and don’t ever talk to me again.” She continued lecturing me about my parenting so I threatened to call the police to get rid of her then she sheepishly left. I then sent her a message saying if she turns up again, she’s not being let in, and forceful attempts WILL result in me calling the police as I feel I have to safeguard my children from her. I also sent a text to my parents to inform them I am done with her. My parents are angry with me but I can’t have her around my kids anymore.

There is support OP hasn’t accessed, or applied for, or pursued, or enforced. e.g. medical needs tuition under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 and support, including therapies, via EHCPs.

That isn’t a judgement on her, but on the LA and system who doesn’t do anything unless forced and makes things incredibly difficult for parents.

The situation with your children sounds very difficult OP. Whatever anyone’s view of how your are managing it and the plan for your daughter, your sister is completely out of order to go upstairs in your home and shout at them, drag the covers off etc. I don’t blame you for not wanting her visiting your home. Perhaps there’s a way to assert some boundaries without cutting her off but that depends on her attitude if you discuss it with her. If your parents interfere just tell them you can’t have her going upstairs and bullying your children .

OP I feel for you but stick to your guns, she has no right to speak to your children like that. BTW I think her kids both living abroad speaks volumes!

That isn’t a judgement on her, but on the LA and system who doesn’t do anything unless forced and makes things incredibly difficult for parents.

That is definitely something we can both agree on.

Yes, this is why I and others like me who feel Aspergers is a more fitting label for us, are trying to have the ASD label thrown out of DSM or at least Aspergers to be retained as a diagnosis. It gives us our own label and space which defines our struggles, our needs and triumphs/failures in a way that Autism/ASD does not. I use the term ASD/Autism on Mumsnet because it is the prevailing term used, however I am not comfortable with those terms as they do not describe me at all, we (those of us who prefer the term Aspie/Apergers, and we are a significant amount of the Autism community) find it offensive and limiting and stigma-inducing. We (those of us who prefer the term Aspie/Apergers) are not severely and/or non verbal autistic, we don't screech like the OPs son. We are able to hold down jobs with varying degrees of help. We are able to form friendships, to participate in society. To marry and raise children. The term ASD/Autism basically relegates us to non-verbal people who can't cope in society. We are not that. So Aspergers is a time-honoured term and label that defines us in a way Autism doesn't. Autism/ASD limits us and causes us hardships, Aspergers term lifts us up and people know the term doesn't mean someone who is severely developmentally/cognitively disabled. It is important that we retain that separate distinction for not just our mental wellbeing and confidence, but to be accepted into society.

I would physically evict someone from my house if they treated my child like that. Exposing a child and causing them to have a panic attack goes way past politely asking them to leave.

According to Goldsmith University 80% of adults with Asperger Syndrome “have been unable to secure long term employment”.

Please get more help.
Your children will achieve nothing if you carry on like this.
I expect that your sister is frantically worried about your children.

This is one of those threads where I'd love to see other family members' perspectives. You allow your children to stay in bed til 1pm?!
When they should be in school?

You've got a label for them so you've let them be , because it's easier than actually dealing with their behaviours.

You are blaming your sister but they are your children. They should be at school not wallowing in bed at 1pm.

You say you're trying your best and working with authorities. Why are authorities even involved? You even sound resentful of them being involved.

I despair.

Bullshit. There's no resentment there, just hope that the things being set in motion will help and improve quality of life for both children.

And do tell how you deal with non verbal ? Do you think if OP was firmer the DS would suddenly gain the ability to communicate?

@wherearebeefandonioncrisps

This is laughable.

Why are the authorities ‘even’ involved???? Hahahahaha. Perhaps because my then 13 year old daughter bought herself ibuprofen and took 25 of them because she could no longer cope with mainstream school and the villain, and perhaps because my son can only communicate through screeching, has physical outbursts and cannot go to school because he vomits frrom the stress of it.

Don’t be so fucking stupid.

*bullying not villain

It’s a diagnosis, not a label. Authorities are rightly involved because OP’s DC are disabled and have SEN. Long term forcing a child into school when their SEN/MH prevents them from attending is harmful - they need appropriate provision not forcing them in to inappropriate schools.

*14

I’ve heard some bullshit in my time but that really takes the biscuit. I presume that poster is an adult, how have they been so sheltered?

You say you're trying your best and working with authorities. Why are authorities even involved?

FFS. Have you read any of the thread at all?

Can I ask how your dd who tried to commit suicide just before the summer hols at age 13, Will be 15 in january?

Have you not considered I may have alerted ages ever so slightly to avoid being identified? But it’s only within a year or so. Probably not enough to prevent me being identified

@fUNNYfACE36 You’ve had an agenda all throughout the thread

Your sister clearly thinks she knows it all and I'm sure in her head she's doing what she thinks is right but she's so far from it. I'd absolutely be cutting contact with her for the benefit of the kids and I wouldn't give it another thought.

She sounds like she cares, just that she's the Barbara Woodhouse of childcare.

It would probably be useful if you could try and talk to her about how to work with your DD to do something useful.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and another adult in your DD's life would be useful.

If this thread is real, and i really hope it isn't, you are very badly failing your daughter.She has been completely out of education for months and the local LEA are supportive of that? Your dd is entitled and indeed required to have a full time education, are the LEA really supportive of you denying t he child this right?
Of this animal course which apparently runs out of phase with the academic year, you say in your OP there is potentially a possibility shevcould go.That doesn't seem a very firm arrangement to me.
I asked earlier why her cancelled CAMHS appointment hadn't been rebooked, your job is to chase that
I am concerned t here is nobody advocating for your dd, and I think that is your family's concern.

@PontinsBeach massive squishes. My youngest had mixed bag of issues and death fixation etc from 7, attempted hanging him elf at 10 and I ended up home educating from 10-18. He’s self employed now and I regret nothing but I had people challenge me a lot and presume he was lazy etc.

you do what you need to to keep your kids happy and healthy including shielding Them from your sister.

Home Education is fine OP but it doesn't sound like your children are getting that. If you're not sending them to school you need to be ensuring they are doing something at home - whether you're working or not.. Just because they are not NT doesn't mean they are not capable. Your sister is trying to help - albeit she's not being tactful. Let her help, ask her for support..

I cannot see anything to say the dd is autistic?