"People have their own lives"

[alfreddo82]

We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family. DH in particular was really concerned that our DC were missing out from not having those family connections.

Since moving back we have found family on both sides to be a massive disappointment and one of the phrases I constantly hear when speaking to people about the situation is “yes but people have their own lives”

I have lots of friends who’s parents/aunts/cousins etc seem very interested in spending time with them and their children and this is just integrated into “their own lives”

I am well aware that everyone has different priorities in life, however AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

I think your expectations are unrealistic. Once to twice a month is fairly normal.
People have their own lives .
In expat communities people do cling to a sense of community and there is often an active social circle perhaps much more so than in the UK.

What’s your job and house situation op?

Not sure how easy it would be to move back. Your dc are young so not as hard on them than if they were older

Re families, I do think some are more involved, I live o/s so a bit different

*Social media has a lot to answer for. Various family members would comment often on how sad it was to not be able to see the DC grow up etc. when we told people we were moving back they were very excited. When we first moved back we seen people fairly often, however very quickly it became very one sided. I realised that I was the one who was always inviting people places or organising meals and catch ups etc, with young kids and a demanding job I started to feel resentful so I stopped doing it and now for the best part of a year we haven't seen anyone except my aforementioned "pop in for a cup of tea" once per month.

You could easily re-write this from your family's point of view: Alfreddo used to invite us around a lot and was always suggesting fun get togethers. This last year she has suggested anything and I think the novelty of us has worn off. We're keeping our distance a bit because we don't want to be demanding or push it into her saying she doesn't want to see us.

Why don't you just say you'd like to see more of them? Or find out what they do when they don't see you and try and join in with that eg if they like gardening meet up at a garden centre etc

As previously stated DC were 6 months and 2 years when we moved back.

We see family all the time, they are a huge support to us. BUT me and DH moved back before we had kids not after, our parents were involved right from the word go with the baby stage and have been a huge part ever since. I’m not sure it would be the same if we moved back after having children abroad without them involved.

I think it’s tricky when you move away and then return, especially as one of the motivators to do so was to see more of your family. People do have their own lives and they have developed without you there, just like yours did when you moved abroad.

We have family who took the decision to move abroad and it is irritating when we’re expected to drop everything when they decide to grace us with their presence. They were happy enough to leave and do their own thing which is fine, but meanwhile we have been doing the same without them here. There are huge parts of our lives they have no part in. That is unlikely to change should they return.

Perhaps there is an element of those feelings at play? Maybe it will just take a bit of time to integrate back into the day to day goings on?

I’m the first to trot out the ‘own lives’ line, as I find some people have really unrealistic expectations. I work a demanding full time job, have kids, a DH, ageing parents, responsibilities. I can’t always meet the expectations of friends to meet up a lot.

But grandparents living down the road who only see their grandkids once a month for 30 minutes…I think that’s sad. I guess that is just the way they are, though. Not that interested. I can see why it hurts, but at least you know now, so can live your lives accordingly.

AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

i think you nailed it

YANBU.

Me and DH come from very different families. His is a large one where nobody bothers with one another. I have a very small family (only me, brother, mother and aunt)

My brother leads a super busy life and lives a considerable distance away but my mother and aunt who are both local always want to see and spend time with our children.

DH's dad is in the 'pop in for a cup of tea once every few months' category, but that's just how he is with everybody (he has 6 DGC and see ours the most which is sad for the rest)

In the real world nobody would begrudge you wanting your DC to have an involved family.

YANBU @alfreddo82
It's their loss. May not feel like it now, but it really is. It is a sadness, but there’s nothing you can do, you’ve given it your best shot.

Would you be willing to move back. we love 20 minutes form mil and we haven't seen her for the last 3 weeks We've invited her to ours bit no, we always have to make the effort to go to hers. She doesn't drive but there is a bus stop outside her home and a bus every 15 minutes to iyrs. Dh would pick her up in a heartbeat if she asked. My parents speak to my kids daily and we visit in the school holidays where they take time off to spend with the children.

You can't force family to want to spend time with them. A 20 minute drive, really isn't a lot. You could speak to them, explain to grandparents that you want to spend time with them and see how that goes.

*live even.

It will get easier as your children get older. Hard for you now though.

I would too - pull back.

There is an odd generational issue that grandparents 'expect' visits and often do not feel any obligation to make an effort.
Some parents feel they have earn't the right to sit back and do nothing and the adult children are expected do all the running. This a very entrenched in my experience. They are older, and expect their dues. Even if the parents are fitter, healthier and wealthier than their own adult children. It does not seem to matter. The adult children meanwhile are juggling family life, full time jobs unlike their mothers and have different values that they expect a family relationship to work both ways, and for it to be mutually beneficial. Then there is this kind of stalemate.

The parents expectations - adult kids will do all the running
The adult kids feeling totally taken for granted, unloved and unsupported. Resentful of this onerous parental expectation

The families that work best in this scenario are the ones that have adult children that are prepared to do all the running, visiting and organising and swallow their own feelings. While the boomers sit back and accept their dues. Shit isn't it.

Surely that was during the lockdowns?

Have you actually tried suggesting people come round more etc or offered to visit them? I think people sometimes hold back because they don’t want to be intrusive. How much spare time does your family actually have? Can you do things together and try to get involved in their lives? Not sure if this is right but the impression I get is that you think the onus is on them to take an interest, but it goes both ways.

Move back abroad then. Of course people have their own lives. You were happy to move abroad to make your own life so you cannot expect people to change their own routines and commitments now you’ve decided you want to be around them again.

It always surprises me the lack of value that posters on this forum place on family.

Yes, perhaps this is what your parents and siblings thought of you when you decided to move to another country. Your lack of value on family.

I have a very close family member that has lived abroad for a number of years, the reality is now if they came back it would make very little difference to me or my kids day to day life as they been away so long. Our lives went on when they moved though it did impact one of my children a lot initially but our lives would not really change if they moved back now. Yes I would probably see them once a month or so and would make an effort to ensure I saw there kids at least once a month but I have my own life, my own husband, my own friends, my own kids, my own job plus housework etc.

You had your own life. You moved abroad for your own reasons, and severed those connections that you now think are due to you as a matter of course. You decided you didn't need to be near your family and your children didn't need them in the daily lives. All of which was your choice, and for you to make.

But to then arrive back, years later, bemused and appalled that the people you left behind aren't all joyously awaiting your return, to make those family connections that you have suddenly decided are necessary...are you for real?

Yes, people have their own lives. They aren't props in yours, as you seem to think. All those people you know that are integrated into their family lives....it's because they did integrate into each others lives. They didn't leave for years and then suddenly expect integration!

How self absorbed can you get?!

Did you move back in lockdown OP? I'm wondering if that's part of the excuse (I don't want to put reason). I know we felt very isolated as grandparents and great-grandparents. However since that finished we've found that family members have made different routines, and I suppose we have too.

If you can go back to your old life I wouldn't hesitate if I was in your position. Supportive friends who want to spend time in your company can be much better. I'd call them the family you choose. Good luck with your move. You're definitely not being unreasonable.

Agreed, I have very little positive expectations from them and have even asked DH to stop asking them to visit because I know they won't.

They're really not busy either as most posters have suggested!! Ample free time in fact.

Yes the indifference is actually painful for me but i've come to accept that I can't change them. I am very family oriented but i'll put all that into my DH and kids.

Living abroad has shown me that many in the UK have a warped view of family. Here it's totally normal to have a close knit family. It's lovely to see them but it also can be sad for me.

It's rubbish that things felt one sided, but we tend to fall in to patterns and expectations about others behaviours in relationships with family or friends.
So if since moving back, you were doing all the inviting and organising, then that's what people will expect. You are the one with children & work to organise around.
It's likely they think that as you slowed down initialtion, and then stopped, that they think YOU are busy with your own life/children/work.
It's hard not being invited by others as it makes you feel they are not thinking of you or your children but it really could be that they are thinking "I wonder how X is getting on? Must be busy not heard in a while" and leave it at that.

If you want to change the dynamic of a relationship pattern then somehow you need to let the other person know.

This is not meant as harshly as is sounds, but how often do you get in touch to ask how they are and whats going on in their lives? Not just to look for an opportunity to get together with the kids.

Op in your position, I would go and visit them alone and tell them that you are considering moving back overseas, and why.
That far from this being a wonderful opportunity for your baby and toddler to have the family love you thought was here in the UK, you have found indifference instead. Having made a huge sacrifice to come back to be with them and to make that effort, you have found it hurtful and you are reconsidering your options because you feel largely unwanted.

I would tell them. What do you have to lose?
They will either massively step up and wake up before it is too late, or they will continue as they are. The honesty is important, because if you find nothing changes and you decide to go back, you won't at least have to endure the faux theatrics and everyone had a chance to make an effort, and choose not to.

If they step up once they learn how upset you are, then that may well salvage what is fast becoming a broken situation. You will need to be prepared for them to share with you how painful it was that you moved away etc - don't be defensive accept that their feelings are valid as well. You need to have some real conversations before it is too late.