"People have their own lives"

[alfreddo82]

We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family. DH in particular was really concerned that our DC were missing out from not having those family connections.

Since moving back we have found family on both sides to be a massive disappointment and one of the phrases I constantly hear when speaking to people about the situation is “yes but people have their own lives”

I have lots of friends who’s parents/aunts/cousins etc seem very interested in spending time with them and their children and this is just integrated into “their own lives”

I am well aware that everyone has different priorities in life, however AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

I think the distance has led to a false sense of what the problem is/ was. I think the majority of families just aren't emotionally close enough to be supportive. After sll did you move back to be supportive of your family? No, because you wanted that gor your children.

comparison is the thief of joy op
sounds like you are comparing your friends relationships with their family and finding yours wanting.
you have been back for 2 years so i think the living abroad is a red herring.

YANBU. In healthy families the family is PART of their life.

Guess I have an "unhealthy" family then. Mine don't even "pop in for a cuppa" once a month - I'd bloody love that! I have to drive a 6 hour round trip if I want a cuppa with them. Or for them to spend time with their grandchild. ☹️

And this is a very painful realisation.
Very painful.
You will need time to process this discovery. That they are very CBA is not what anyone hopes for a family. It can be very liberating though, once you have processed the loss of what you thought you had - you are free to create your own family bonds and networks and travel the world and have a rich life.

OP I really feel for you and I think you're getting a very hard time.

I've only one child and I adored spending time with her when she was small (I worked as well). I loved the fun days out (to the zoo or beach) but I also loved the little things (walks in the park or doing jigsaws or reading her a story or baking cakes or doing arts and crafts). I hope she has children of her own and if she does, I hope to be a big part of their lives and do all of the above with them. She wants to travel when she's older and I hope she realizes that ambition - it's one of my own regrets that I never experienced life in another country.

I would be disappointed if she chose to make a life abroad and raise her children there but I wouldn't give her a hard time over it and I'd do my best to nurture our relationship from a distance and visit as much as possible. I recognize that living abroad could offer opportunities she might miss out on here. Also, it's not her fault that she's an only child. In the event that she moved back home, you can guarantee I'd be seeing her and her family more than once a month.

do they work?
can you force the issue?

Mine is extremely unhealthy, but I keep it that way. I prefer to be independent than constantly disappointed, let fown and criticised. Once a year is all I can bear

Soz if its been said b4 but I think some English peope are shit re family.
Not sure why...I grew up in a bi-cultural family and didnt realise that the closeness wasn't normal for here.

There I said it!.

I once read we have a higher useage of social media comapred to rest of Europe. Also English peoplee are less rooted to where they're born so move around more.

Plus they're more closed emotionally than some other cultures imo but I know that's a cliche.

But I think your expectations may be unrealistic.

Our society is a bit broken in that respect.
There are downside to having loads if family input too, e.g it can be a result of religion which can bring judgement or intolerance. It can be hard on women too as they often have to organise everything...

But if it was so great abroad maybe consider returning?

How much time did you spend with them before you moved away? You can’t expect them to give more than you were willing too.

We had that - moved back with our DC but we dont see our extended family any more frequently than before. However, it's been a lot tougher for us to settle back in, lost our friends and social circle, for my partner he even changed sectors just to make it happen. Honestly, I think we got lulled into a false sense of family closeness living where we used to live abroad. There families would be a lot closer and so wanted something similar for our DCs but actually thats not always the reality of life in the UK. People are just not as close to family than elsewhere. For us it's not been worth coming back for. However, because of Brexit - we cant move back and our now stuck here. Lesson learnt.

I don't feel guilt at all, they got the relationship that they created. If you want close supportive family then it's really grow your own. Which sucks if you choose not yo have kids, but a modern found family is no bad thing.

It takes family time to adjust when you move abroad, sometimes they don’t express the hurt and upset they feel and instead they put on a front that they’re just happy for you. You are the ones that now have to work at repairing the relationships and re-building the family life that you’re looking for. It’s going to take time, you need to be patient and understanding.

You moved away, people moved on with their life's without you and now you want everyone to drop everything and you be most import thing for them.

The attitude that you think family on both side are 'disappointing' probably shows in your interactions.

I will be honest if a family member found me 'disappointing' I wouldn't want to spend time with them.

but the op has been back for 2 years,
how can they feel hurt?
i am not hurt that dd is away

I think that’s Hugely unfair.

You moved back here, during a pandemic. So that would have cut down how much you could see them.

But not only that, as you lived abroad, things change.

I do have a quite close relationship with my dad. I did with my mum when she was alive. However, that relationship was a two way street. People aren’t close because they happen to be related. They are close and involved in each other lives, routinely over years.

I see my dad once a week because I visits him or he comes to me. I message him every day. I am going shopping with him and having lunch next week. We are part of eachothers lives in small bits or big bits each day. My kids are older, but I make sure they have called him and he makes sure he calls them.

You moved away so we’re no longer part of that routine. I get that’s hard. But that’s how life works The time you have been here has, mainly, been during one of the least unsociable times we have ever had, so making the routine has been harder. But even in normal times it takes time to build that.

and even getting used to what each find is the right balance takes time. Some people think more than once a month is too much. My brother wouldn’t speak to my dad every day. He would find it too much. People are different.

You are choosing to live away again. You miss your friends and the life style there. Understandably. But you are ‘living your own life’ and you should. But it’s hypocritical to believe people should be doing certain things because you chose to come back.

You moved away. Their lives changed as did yours. But you made the break. You changed how those relationships might work. Because you have your own life. I doubt that’s because you just didn’t give a shit.

My in laws were much more supportive than my own family too. At least you have that. I counted dh's family as a total blessing and lowered my expectations to absolutely zero of my own family and family in general, once I let go I felt much, much better about it.

No expectations can be very helpful and positive. And it can work both ways.

I am a loving and giving person and spent 40 years plus pouring effort, love and time into a grasping bottomless pit of indifference. I hope threads like this will help people see the reality of their situations whilst they can still shape their own futures, and are young enough not to waste their lives investing in to people that don't care about them. Some people are takers, and will always be takers even if they are hallowed 'family'....and quite frankly after a life time of giving it feels good to stop! Acceptance is key. You have a family in the shape of your two small children op, and your dh I suggest you focus on them.

I think there can be a lot of bitterness when you move away. We've lived away from my Mum and siblings for nearly 25 years and still get the "when are you moving back" and "oh, you buggered off" comments all the damn time. We're four hours away now, but siblings both drive.

When we first moved, Mum was a fit sixty something but it still took her six weeks to visit her first grandchild, despite it only being a 2 hour train journey at the time. In her (and no doubt my siblings) eyes, it was(and still is) my sole responsibility to travel there for visits as we chose to move away. There's a lot of bitterness still, which I'm surprised about. Didn't think it would last 25 years! And counting!

When we see them, it's because we do the drive back there. We used to go monthly/every other month in the past, but we go less frequently now as it's unreciprocated.
Would we do anything differently if we could turn the clock back? No! We'd still leave our home town: limited work options, less to do, colder, 4 hours from London (instead of 30 mins), where we love to visit for concerts, shows, social stuff, safer, less crime etc.

just keep it up op, message them you are visiting, if they are not coming to you, go to them

DH and I moved back home to the place where we both grew up (rural, beautiful, touristy in summer) before having children because we love it and also to be nearer family. Many of my extended family (cousins etc) live away in London and other places. A few times a year, they come back ‘home’ with their families and behave like it’s a royal bloody visitation. I love them all and enjoy spending time with them, but they make pronouncements like, ‘Today we will be going to X beach’ and expect us all to rally around and be there.

I do have a busy life and so do my kids. What I would really like is for them to say, ‘We’d love to see you whilst we’re at home. What works for you?’ Or, ‘Shall we plan a beach day with the kids?’

One particular cousin and his wife feel that they have to visit each individual person every time they come. It’s nice in a way but also always feels like they come, drink tea, make small talk and then tick us off the list and move on to the next person.

Realise that this is a bit rambling and very much my issue, but it is an example of me wanting to tell my family that I have my own life and, much as I enjoy being with them, I don’t owe them my time.

Can you move back?

Seriously?

If you have a friendship group and can pick back up in careers/jobs overseas, would it be worthwhile moving back? And tell your extended families you're looking to move back for the reasons you've cited.

How old are your children compared to other family members children.

I think twice a month is fine plus sounds like you filled your time with friends before leaving, did you dodge family stuff before you moved overseas?

Some families are just close and intertwined heavily in each others daily lives, I see it a lot round where I live. But many are also like me and you where people have their own lives and see each other occasionally. I see my mum once a month and that's a good amount (we all get on great)

But if you value family so much why did you move abroad? It works both ways. You presumably weren’t there when they needed you at various times, but are now bemoaning a lack of ‘family values’ now you want it to benefit you..?

I really don't get extended families like yours. They should be thrilled you've been able to stay in the country and found careers and had a family that's thriving! Instead, massive bitterness you don't live next door even though the roads and the trains run both ways.

I'd have pulled back on my visits as well under the circumstances.

What do your parents/in laws say when you ask them why they are not putting in an effort?