"People have their own lives"

[alfreddo82]

We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family. DH in particular was really concerned that our DC were missing out from not having those family connections.

Since moving back we have found family on both sides to be a massive disappointment and one of the phrases I constantly hear when speaking to people about the situation is “yes but people have their own lives”

I have lots of friends who’s parents/aunts/cousins etc seem very interested in spending time with them and their children and this is just integrated into “their own lives”

I am well aware that everyone has different priorities in life, however AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

The OPs GP see them once to twice per month. Isn't that involved?

Now the OP is taking the grandchildren away again because that doesn't meet her expectation.

What level of involvement is to be expected of a GP? As in days per week/month? Asking genuinely for if/when I become a grandparent.

You could also argue that OP clearly didn't want her children to be involved with their grandparents as she moved abroad and prevented that relationship in the first place.

Has it occurred to you that, when you moved abroad, your family may have felt a bit rejected? Or that when your children were born in another country your family missed out on the normal familial bonding processes with new arrivals? Now you have returned and found out that bond just isn’t there.

You demonstrated, by moving abroad, that your family were not top of your list of priorities. That’s fine, because you have your own life, but it means that YABU to complain that you are not top of your family’s list of priorities.

That's quite the upheaval. FWIW we don't have any family around and my friendship group is really important to me and always has been. Grab it with both hands.

It'll be interesting to see what the grandparents say when you tell them you're moving away again. Perhaps that will give them some food for thought.

I work from home but when I'm not working I tend to want to just sit and be. My dad gets upset I don't visit often but honestly I want to just be at home doing nothing on my days off.

I genuinely don’t think this is the norm OP, and I think telling yourself this is part of what’s making you feel worse.

There are of course some grandparents who are super involved in their grandchild ten’s lives, but taking them on holiday without their parents or them having a room (as opposed to using a spare room) is not average.

But because of OP's choice to move abroad, they missed out on the first 2-4 years of their grandchildren's lives. That was probably incredibly painful for them and perhaps they put up barriers as a result.

IMO, you don't get to disappear for years and then kick up a fuss when people have carried on without you.

We are kind of the opposite to this, we moved abroad when DS was 6.
we only saw my DH’s parents 2 or 3 times a year when in the same country and his siblings and their children once if we were ‘lucky’. Some families just aren’t interested unfortunately and have no intention or interest in their grandchildren or nieces/nephews. It’s sad but true.
I am super close to my family and saw my parents almost every day and my sister and niece once a week, my parents loves having our DS and would regularly have sleepovers etc with him, now we’ve moved they have been to visit 3 times a year and we FaceTime every day.
sorry this hasn’t worked out how you planned OP. Some families just don’t want to have that close relationship which really does hurt.

Haha.

I think I am a bit like this when I go home, my sister says it’s like having an American tourists.. however I do think overall the family trips out are good thing. I do ask her want she wants to do and we do just hang out.

But the OP didn't want to have a close relationship with family when she moved away, but is expecting one now.

The double standards here is the issue.

i think it is unfair to say the op didnt want a relationship so she moved away, imo,
she wanted to explore, live in a different area/country.
as many people do
people dont stay near their immediate family intentionally normally. they persue there own interests.

Yes so "they have their own lives."

Of course we are all getting on with our lives but I do find it sad that the grandparents are not involved. I’m a grandparent to five and my friends are mostly grandparents and we enjoy so much having little ones around again. Some do more childcare than others depending on age, commitments, energy etc, but to just not bother much, I do think that’s so sad.

My kids are tweens and teens now, so I barely see them myself, because friends are more fun than parents.

Rarely see GPS because weekends are busy. I saw my GPS a lot, because I could walk to one myself and my mum spent a lot of time with the other, as she was quite lonely.

But those choices have consequences.

You can't move abroad and away from your family and expect the relationship to be the same afterwards. People aren't going to put their lives on hold in case one day you decide to come back home again.

OP chose to pursue her own interests abroad but now she's pissed off that her family have done the same back home.

OP prevented them from being involved by moving abroad, though.

They missed out on those early years, that bonding and all those opportunities. The grandchildren are 2 and 4 now and probably virtual strangers. It's sad but that's what happens when you move away.

Related to this my close friends are from Australia, now living in UK. Last year they took their small kids to visit GPs and it went badly - too much pressure and expectations on both sides. Now friends are saying they won't visit again in a hurry so glad they relocated to UK etc etc. but I wonder how they will feel if their kids move away. I think you show your kids how to manage familial relationships through your actions so don't be surprised if they treat you with the same consideration and constancy as you treat your parents.

YABU people DO have their own lives .

@thelobsterquadrille for the 3rd time:

DC were 6 months old and 2 years old when we moved back. They are now 2.5 and 4.

Just makes me sad that we uprooted our lives and gave up so much so the DC could know their family and they barely see them

The thing is, it is a strange decision to "uproot your lives" on an assumption.
Surely you have to make decisions on where it is best for you to live according to your careers, and what is best for you as a family. You "assuming" that grandparents would drop their lives to be there for you whenever you want them to seems a very weak basis to consider moving house, let alone moving countries.
YABU

I know that - so they still missed out on the first two years of their eldest grandchild's life. That's a big chunk of time when they're so young.

It must have been very difficult for them to miss out on that time through no choice of their own.

I understand you're hurting, but I think it must have been very hurtful for your parents too. I wonder if any of you have ever spoken about it?

How long were you gone? Because you say many years, that sounds ling and I will be very frank to anyone who is reading this and thinking about moving abroad.
The relationship will not be like families who always lived close when you return. It simply will not. They get used to live without you, they will not adaot their lives to your return.
It stings, but ghat is how it is. Very rare that after "many years" away it just goes to normal pre leave relationship.

So you moved to live abroad and couldn’t of been that bothered with your family then…

Now you’re back you want everyone to change their lives for you and make room for you again.

yea ok😅