Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"People have their own lives"

406 replies

alfreddo82 · 13/11/2022 09:18

We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family. DH in particular was really concerned that our DC were missing out from not having those family connections.

Since moving back we have found family on both sides to be a massive disappointment and one of the phrases I constantly hear when speaking to people about the situation is “yes but people have their own lives”

I have lots of friends who’s parents/aunts/cousins etc seem very interested in spending time with them and their children and this is just integrated into “their own lives”

I am well aware that everyone has different priorities in life, however AIBU to think that really that phrase just means “people can’t be fucked” and would rather just continue on as they always have without making any effort for anyone else?

OP posts:
Guiltycat · 13/11/2022 11:48

I'm probably going to be shot for saying this but it's just an observation...

In two families I know of the grandparents are seemingly less involved with the gdc that were born while they lived away, and much closer to the gdc who were born while living nearby. I'm not sure if it's a mental defence mechanism to create distance, or whether it was just missing out on those early bonding experiences.

It doesn't seem fair but that certainly seems to be what happens.

oldbrownjug · 13/11/2022 11:48

This might be unfair - and is more of a general point but in my experience, if people enjoy spending time with you, if it's fun for them, they do it.

Do you make a fuss over the grandparents or aunts/uncles/cousins? Do you offer help when they might need it? Do you show interest in them? Ask about their friends, jobs, hobbies? Do you do things they want to do?

My sibling wanted GP to babysit, make a fuss, crow over pictures, attend birthday parties and nativity plays. (And they did). BUT when DM was older and needed help with shopping, gardening, DIY or just someone to take her to the funeral of an old friend or out to lunch - they were too busy because "DC needed a lift to rugby", or they wanted "family time", or "work was manic". Because the GP experience no longer mattered once the DC were a bit older.

BadNomad · 13/11/2022 11:50

I do think you are lacking a bit of insight with this. You keep talking about family, but don't seem to recognise that you were happy to move away from this family and start one of your own without them. Now you have decided that you want them to see and treat your new family as more important than they are to you. They just had to get on with their lives when you left, and they're still getting on with their lives now that you're back. Everything is how it was set up to be.

Beautiful3 · 13/11/2022 11:57

Now you know that they're not bothered about your children(ren), you could move back?

SirMingeALot · 13/11/2022 12:01

People just fill the gaps when you leave. There isn't necessarily one for you to slot back into.

It is incredibly unfortunate timing too OP, if you have been back 2 years that means you arrived in the middle of the restrictions period and that probably set things back too.

PortalooSunset · 13/11/2022 12:07

YANBU to be upset about it, but YABU to think it's 'normal' for extended family to be heavily involved imo. And relatives taking dc out every other week as you have stated is your want/expectation is heavily involved.
We don't live locally to our families (work). See my parents every couple of months, would prefer more but not really practical. Dc haven't seen dh's parents in over 2 years. That's in laws' fault as they've cancelled the last 2 planned meet ups (despite moaning that they never see dc 🤔).
If we were nearer I don't think I'd assume people would want to see us more than once a month, if that.
Dc doing activities at the weekend curtail stuff a bit too.

Original poster
alfreddo82 · 13/11/2022 12:09

Beautiful3 · 13/11/2022 11:57

Now you know that they're not bothered about your children(ren), you could move back?

Plan is to move back yes. We now know that moving home was a mistake but in fairness if we had not done it in the first place we would always have wondered.

OP posts:
Readinginthesun · 13/11/2022 12:10

As a grandmother, I find MN a bit strange . All my grandparent friends and acquaintances are very involved with their DC and DGC. We all provide some childcare and take them on holiday etc . My DGC have their own room here.
OP I understand your disappointment.

Original poster
alfreddo82 · 13/11/2022 12:11

SirMingeALot · 13/11/2022 12:01

People just fill the gaps when you leave. There isn't necessarily one for you to slot back into.

It is incredibly unfortunate timing too OP, if you have been back 2 years that means you arrived in the middle of the restrictions period and that probably set things back too.

A few people have mentioned lockdown. I get that but in fairness there haven't been any restrictions in place for quite some time now and tbh even at the point we moved back our area was mostly in a tier that allowed for meeting up in small groups in cafes etc

OP posts:
Venetiaparties · 13/11/2022 12:11

alfreddo82 · 13/11/2022 12:09

Plan is to move back yes. We now know that moving home was a mistake but in fairness if we had not done it in the first place we would always have wondered.

Show quote history

Good for you op.
Now you can leave and enjoy your life, and know you are missing absolutely nothing at home.

Original poster
alfreddo82 · 13/11/2022 12:13

Readinginthesun · 13/11/2022 12:10

As a grandmother, I find MN a bit strange . All my grandparent friends and acquaintances are very involved with their DC and DGC. We all provide some childcare and take them on holiday etc . My DGC have their own room here.
OP I understand your disappointment.

Thank you. I know that this is more the norm. I take the DC to classes and soft play during the week as I work shifts and it's mostly grandmothers there that I chat away too.

OP posts:
love6421 · 13/11/2022 12:13

I think some of the bitterness/resentment when you move away can be underpinned by jealousy. We move away because we're
looking for opportunities/better jobs/weather etc and people "left behind" can feel quite bitter and envious, imo (well, based
on comments made to me like : "oh, you're a bloody southerner now, your kids talk posh too" (not posh, just the local
lingo)

Tekkentime · 13/11/2022 12:14

alfreddo82 · 13/11/2022 12:09

Plan is to move back yes. We now know that moving home was a mistake but in fairness if we had not done it in the first place we would always have wondered.

Show quote history

Really happy for you, I think it's the right decision. Don't feel bad, we did the same thing, albeit moving from one part of the UK to another to be closer to them. Made no difference.

As you say, it removed all doubt and we live abroad now in acceptance that there's no point moving back.

Sumthingsweet · 13/11/2022 12:16

I say this to make it clear how unimportant my extended family are I say yes we are busy with our OWN family kids clubs tutoring swimming etc have very little time to visit . That of course does not apply to my friends or time out for myself - it’s a selfish world out there - you’re not that important .

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 13/11/2022 12:16

I am sorry the move has been such a disappointment. Move back to where your friends are and where you have a good support system. Your family sound very set in their ways, they might be better value if you only see them on occasional flying visits.

SirMingeALot · 13/11/2022 12:19

A few people have mentioned lockdown. I get that but in fairness there haven't been any restrictions in place for quite some time now and tbh even at the point we moved back our area was mostly in a tier that allowed for meeting up in small groups in cafes etc

I think it's more about the specific time you arrived, you never got a free run at everything. A lot of people are still very reliant on pre lockdown networks, if that makes sense? I come from a very close knit family and we do see a lot of each other, but the pandemic experience if anything heightened it and made us do more of what we were doing before, because it plugged gaps created by restrictions. There are probably connections you would've formed in early 2021 in a parallel universe that never happened iyswim. In some ways arriving in late 2020 is worse in this respect than it would've been to get here in the middle of full on miserable February 2021 because you had the false start.

NessLockwood · 13/11/2022 12:19

"We lived abroad for many years but moved back to the U.K. recently so our children could spend time with grandparents and extended family."

Did you ask any of them?

Honestly I don't think 'family closeness' is really a thing here anymore. It's less and less usual for people to even have any knowledge of aunts, uncles, cousins and so on, and becoming less expected even for grandparents to take an interest. My parents live ten minutes down the road, and frankly don't have their own lives - they sit indoors all day watching Trump and Farage videos - but have absolutely no interest in their own children since they left home, and no interest in seeing any of their grandchildren.

Moving to the UK was a mistake. It's not a nice place and a pretty dismal one for families. There's not the same liking or love of children here. You will be seen as a nuisance.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/11/2022 12:19

So you moved away to have your own lives? you’re now pissed off because you’ve announced to family and friends that you are coming back so that they can be involved with your children? And you’re surprised because while you were away, rather than sitting and waiting for you to return with baited breath, they’ve moved on with their lives without you?

Qwayserdeyas · 13/11/2022 12:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 13/11/2022 12:23

i worked with a lady who refused to do her dd's childcare.
which i found very strange.
my own dm was invaluable in providing childcare for my dc

can you show them you need them for spurious reasons, make them feel wanted and appreciated.

Cuppasoupmonster · 13/11/2022 12:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

But you could kind of say the same about OP moving away. I get the impression had she not had children they wouldn’t even have contemplated moving home to be closer to family. I understand her disappointment but I don’t think either party is in the wrong as such.

Readinginthesun · 13/11/2022 12:24

alfreddo82 · 13/11/2022 12:13

Thank you. I know that this is more the norm. I take the DC to classes and soft play during the week as I work shifts and it's mostly grandmothers there that I chat away too.

Show quote history

Agree . I take DGD to gymnastics and it’s mostly grannies who are there as the parents are working. I love it ( except when DGD tries to get me to join in !)

Flowersonthewall6 · 13/11/2022 12:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This with bells on!

The GP then wonder why when the children and grandchildren are all grown why no one visits them when they are old and frail….

Pinniepot · 13/11/2022 12:32

This exact thing happened to my friends.

My take on it was that the GPs had two things going on. One was hurt and self protection, not wanting to get too close in case they schlepped off again, and secondly they hadn't bonded with the GCs at an early age and so found being around 2 preschoolers incredibly hard work.

But in any case I do believe you have a duty to care for and spend time with your nieces / nephews and grandchildren regardless of whether you find it challenging. This is what family means to me.

Mary46 · 13/11/2022 12:33

Op thats hard. Some families not close. My sisters have school runs and I work so months could pass. My mam is elderly so I just visit. Depends on kids ages too. But yes thats hard on you