To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

that sounds very tough. Just in case any of this might be helpful:

social services could reassess direct payment hours given that you have little support. You could discuss appointing your own PA and the hours that would work best to give you the rest that you need.

you can ask social services for overnight respite for one night per month if whatever you need to be able to cope with your situation. Sleep deprivation is really tough.

social services may have access to different clubs and groups that you could go to if you were interested. You might meet other people in the same boat.

Dr Greg Hanley (BCBA) is an American behaviour analyst specialising in sleep issues in neurodiverse children. He has YouTube videos you can take a look at. Maybe worth reaching out to their helpline to see if they can refer you to a British professional to assist with sleep to see if there is anything that could help?

could the GP refer your son to a sleep clinic to see if there is anything more that could be done to help?

would you son benefit from learning any skills to keep himself occupied for short periods of time through play etc so that you can have a (mental health break) in the day if you are super tired and just know that the kids are happily playing or busy to allow yourself time for a cup of tea etc.

I hope things improve for you, it sounds difficult x

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Hypothetical situations:

Your DC: Mum I'm in hospital there's no one to look after my children
You: I made it very clear I won't be doing any childcare!

Or

Your DC: Mum I'm exhausted and feel very low I just need a couple of hours of help with the kids I'll do the driving
You: I told you I'm done with parenting!

Is that how it'd go?

Does the 2 year olds get 15 funded hours? If not it’s worth applying. You could try doing morning sessions with her then sleep then pick her up?? I know it’s only a few hours a day but might tide you over till school?

He is hard work but he isn't that hard
he isn’t allowed at cubs because he needs constant supervision
having a severely disabled DS who doesn't sleep

That escalated. In your first post it was blatantly unfair for your mum not to help when all we knew was he has sleep issues and you’re overtired. Who wouldn’t muck in with that?

A severely disabled, overactive, overtired 6 year old who can’t be around animals (does she have pets?), can’t understand activities and needs constant 1-to-1 supervision… that’s a whole other ask.

If your DM doesn’t feel equipped to safely look after him for more than a short time while you get time to yourself, you just need to accept that’s who she is.

What about your own father? Or your father-in-law?

Isn't it just? It's a vile place at times.
OP hope things improve.
My mum is the same, I know the feeling, oh so well.

I know how you feel!
my daughter who’s autistic can be very full on and my mum has NEVER offered to take her! I’m not hurt because we didn’t have the best relationship when I was growing up but it really would have made a world of difference to have some help from her.

Oh and while your son is at school try asking for a home start volunteer too.

oh Sweetheart.

You poor thing. xxxxx

Have you said to your mother how much you're struggling and asked what help she could offer you?
And/or explained how upsetting it is that she helps others so much, but not you?

If this was meant to be just a rant, with no need for any comments, maybe say that at the start and don't put it in AIBU.

I get it OP. That's your mum, and it hurts.

A few years back, my psychiatrist put in an urgent referral to social work for respite (with my knowledge and permission). Social Work tried to get hold of my mum for weeks to ask if she could help out a bit - phone calls, messages, even sent a couple of letters - and she just ignored the whole lot. Never responded to any of it. Meanwhile sharing photos and news of my kids with her workmates etc and saying how proud she is of them, lapping up the praise.
I learnt to just not expect anything of her.

I know noone is obligated to do anything, but that's my mum, and why would you not WANT to help in some way? I don't get it.

We're okay now. Except I never once mentioned social work to her, never questioned her or asked about it. Never asked wtf happened. Only two friends know what went on back then. I still think of it though, and I love my mum, but don't think I'll ever forget we were in our darkest times and she wasn't there. She actively avoided being there. I don't think I'll ever understand that.

But the older generation already DID help the younger, by rearing them. They don't have to do yet another stint of child raising in order to earn consideration when they are old.

Your situation does sound difficult, OP. Hope you get respite soon.

Do you access Short Break Local Offer? You're entitled to 40 hours a year of SBLO (or more if they assess that you do) at a cost if £2/hour. Every council website has a SBLO section.

There are specialist charities that will take your child off your hands for a couple of hours a week/month as part of your SBLO.

Would your Mum take your 2 year old once a month while the charity has your son at a specialist kids club?

Did your Mum tell you over and over again not to have children so young or with the man that is their Father ? If so she may be trying to prove to you that she was right, not ideal but her thoughts maybe. Sit down with her and tell her how much you are struggling and that yes you shouldn't have chosen him to be the Father of your children, say whatever she needs to hear. Ask for a small amount of time every few weeks, even if she can only manage 2 hours it would help.

Your mother clearly isn’t selfish or uncaring. She feels like she would not be able to cope with the sole care of your son. And you describe him as profoundly disabled, needing constant supervision. So it’s not totally unreasonable that she feels that babysitting him is beyond her capabilities. She is hosting you all in her home every week, and offering you emotional support. That is what she feels she can do. And that more than some would do. It can’t be easy having your high needs son there every weekend, even with you in the house!

Of course you need a break. I assume that your 6 year old is at school? Do you work? Is your youngest at nursery?

Even if she comes to your house to babysit the 2 year old in front of the TV while you get a sleep or go to your room to read a book.

😂

So many people on this thread who have no idea about children with disabilities and their lack of sleep.

Just tell them to be quiet, put them to bed later. Amazing.

Of course I would take the kids if she was in hospital, just like ops mum.
Of course I would help with the kids for a couple of hours so mayber she could have her feet done, just like ops mum.

What I will not do is offer regular childcare, I dont want to and it is simple as that, Ive done my child rearing and wont be doing it again.

We seem to be getting alot of recently on mn. The target of anger being at the grandmother and not the actual father. Both threads involved a child who had high additional needs. It's hard my youngest has sen he was very hard when he was alot younger but we had to get on with it, I didn't expect help from family.

It's hard when it's your mum though, especially if you've had a supportive relationship with them growing up. Yes, the obvious target is the useless father, but with men often getting a free pass to ditch their responsibilities, it's not surprising that many women rely on the care and support of female family members and really suffer without it. The refusal of the mum to help is a separate issue to the useless dad.

YANBU I can’t imagine seeing my daughter struggling like that without helping.

I’m assuming that DS is under a consultant who can review his medication? Is he on any other meds that might interfere with the melatonin?

Otherwise I would suggest 2 options:

1. Get DD a nursery place for a few hours a week to give you some space.
2. Pay your teenage siblings a few quid to watch the kids every other Saturday, so you can have a nap or go for a walk. It may be that your DM will supervise if she hasn’t got to do the ‘entertaining’.

Hi OP,

my son had ASD /ADHD and used to get up at 5am for many years , and my DH is forces so we had no family support whatsoever, and often I would be on my own for long periods , it was pretty manageable until DD came along and then things got very tough for a while, but eventually DS started school, and then DD started doing nursery and I was finding a few hours a week to myself which made such a difference to me, so I can sympathise with you, you need to get your DD into childcare, even if its just the 15 hours a week- that will give you some much needed respite, and is a solution you can sort yourself.

Some tough love now OP- You are angry at the wrong person, it’s your ex who deserves your anger/disappointment, not your mum.

Is it possible your mum finds it a struggle to look after your 6 year old or doesn’t understand, or want to.

could the GP refer your son to a sleep clinic to see if there is anything more that could be done to help?
as OP mentions her son is on melatonin, I suspect he’s already been referred. We can only get it from sleep clinics in our area.

Even when on melatonin, a lot of autistic children don’t sleep.

It's a lot to ask for her to drive here as well as do that so I wouldn't expect it. Just wanted a few hours on one day every month, once a month or even every 6 weeks would be good

I do work - by the skin of my teeth. Luckily I can do my role PT and from home. I'm keeping it by the skin of my teeth really if we're honest, and DD is at her 15 hours for that

Home start/sure start doesn't exist in this area sadly

I tried to get direct payments for respite but couldn't find anyone. It was hideous and worked out I was getting more at least by going with the agency. They randomly message once in a blue moon to take DS for 4 hours or so. Which is nice but can never be relied upon due to staffing shortages etc

Again I am fighting all this in the background But every ring is a long and drawn out process, on top of everything already going on

I am just cross at my mum but I do love her. It really hurts to see her want to prove herself to others and offer her assistance like she does to them, but have to be told foster care services will be used unless she helps whilst I was unwell in hospital with septic liver

I know it'll get asked so no, I don't drink! I have an autoimmune disease meaning some organs get impacted overtime

My son has done multiple sleep
Clinics and medications and the problem is, his brain is wired for very little sleep. He is never overtired from it.

He is hard work, obviously. But my mum could have him play in the garden for or take him in the pram, I have a special needs pram with an add of for sibling. Those three hours would soon fly by

Anyway like I say I will leave now! Sorry