To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

You could say the same for ops mum!

This sounds exhausting. Why don't you tell her outright you really need help. When DD was young and I visited my parents I'd take myself off to another room and just sleep. That way I was there but getting some much needed rest. It does does crappy that she'll help everyone else. I'd be really pissed off

She's only 53. You're still her child. How can
She not help you

That's heartbreaking

Also Op a controversial idea but what about putting DC6 down to sleep very late maybe midnight? Atleast then DC will wake up later and your body clock will adjust more to being asleep in the dark and waking in the morning?

DC sleeps 11pm to 2/3am

@quietnightmare it wasn't intended to be silly, and of course she's entitled to do what she wants. As a carer myself I know that pedicures/eyebrows are not essentials, but sleep is. I was suggesting to OP to use the money instead for a babysitter so she can sleep. I've never had eith if these treatments so not aware of the cost.

@ZeroFuchsGiven are you ok hun?

This with bells on!

I can't understand the many posts on her where family members refusing to support someone who's struggling!

Your username is ironic considering how uncompassionate you sound. I couldn’t see my adult child struggling and not help and I’m older than her mother. She’s only 53 not 83. She doesn’t mind helping near strangers though does she?

I'm sorry, OP. Yes, it's usually the female relatives who are expected to help but it's also almost always the female parent who is shafted by the other parent, as you have been.

In your position, if I felt myself reaching my limit, I would drop both children off at their dad's, leave before he can close the door on them and turn my phone off for a few hours. He doesn't get a free pass not to be a parent, imo, while you do everything. But I can also understand all the reasons around your DC's welfare which will prevent you doing this and have nothing but sympathy for you...💐

@LisaJool ahh I see that's fair enough

There’s always one !
As a grandmother, I cannot imagine watching my DD struggle and not try to help . No one forces me but I love my DD and DGC so why wouldn’t I help ?

My thoughts exactly, that seems so obvious. I haven’t read the whole thread though.

@changingstreets ahh right yeah 11-3 will make little to no difference going to sleep at 12 instead

So sorry you are going through a tough time, I would help you if you were my daughter OP. I can empathise, I used to cry, with exhaustion, I had two under two, my mum did nothing to help me.

I was lucky, as my late MIL was an absolute angel, she helped us a lot when we had our last son who was a very bad sleeper. I don’t know what we would have done without her.

I hope things improve soon OP

She needs to help YOU

I do hope all the arseholes who are making personal remarks and insults to a young, single, sleep deprived mum who is clearly struggling feel good about themselves now. MN is a cesspit at times.

We seem to be getting alot of recently on mn. The target of anger being at the grandmother and not the actual father. Both threads involved a child who had high additional needs. It's hard my youngest has sen he was very hard when he was alot younger but we had to get on with it, I didn't expect help from family.

Have you applied for DLA? Could you use some of that money towards specialist childcare even once a week. When ds was younger he went once a week and it was just a break for me.

You're young however you cannot say how you would feel when you reach your 50s and how you might feel caring for a child with high needs that doesn't sleep. It sounds like she feels overwhelmed and unable to cope and she's very much entitled to admit that, she sounds very reluctant to help because of that. Is she still working?

Do you Co sleep with him? The only way I was able to stay sane was getting a double bed and Co sleeping with my son as it seemed to keep him asleep until longer.
many idea why he is waking up?
it is actually worth looking at the Chinese 24hr calendar and working out what organ is being healed at the time of the morning he is waking up - seems to be liver / deep sleep I think. Worth getting him some acupuncture.
Does he have breathing issues by the way. Get a steel object like a steel ruler and place on his nose and ask him to breathe out - the ent consultant did this to my daughter and it became clear she was not breathing through one of her nostrils and this was effecting her sleep.

I can't imagine seeing my child struggling and doing nothing to help them. That won't change just because they become a grown up.

It sounds like your Mum would struggle in the day time, which I can kind of understand. But I can't understand why she wouldn't volunteer to do a few night shifts. She states herself that it would be too hard for her to do this as a one off, and yet she is willing to see you do it every single night.

I do think there are grandparents out there who are relied upon to do too much childcare and that it shouldn't be expected. But this is a very special scenario and not comparable at all to mainstream childcare. And as for grandparents on here who do nothing at all...well that's up to them but that won't be me and I'm so glad my family aren't like this. To me that's not being family at all.

DS's Dad absolutely should be doing his bit but unfortunately there's not anything you can do about that, I don't think.

It's very easy to say I'd never let my child suffer/struggle, but looking after a child with complex care needs can be a VERY different story. How many of you are volunteering to be respite care workers to give all of these struggling women a break.

@changingstreets I wonder if you know about the SN boards? You might be better venting there, as I don't think posters understand quite what your son's needs are. Going off the fact you've refered to him smearing I presume he's in nappies and non verbal (perhaps has non verbal autism and leaning disabilities) and can't be unsupervised for even a few minutes, you don't know what you'll come back to after leaving him in a safe room to go to the toilet yourself?

I haven't seen whether you've responded to the idea of a Safe Space cot to allow you to leave him safely for a bit longer than four hours in bed?

On a practical level as respite care has been approved but you simply cannot access it due to lack of availability, the only way you're realistically likely to get time to yourself is to arrange childcare or a nursery space for your daughter while your son is at school.

That seems the only realistic option.

Why the tw*tty eye roll? You don’t believe in family supporting each other in difficult times🤷‍♀️ Let’s hope you never need support from family or friends in the future.

I sympathise but I think you need to deal with the situation as he facts show.

You dont have family support. (And if DM doesnt want to support you I'd question how much she offers to your kids lives)

So you need paid for childcare that is reliable so you can sleep. If you are a single mum now you may be eligible for funding. Have you looked at that?

I mean this kindly when I say you need to have your rant and then deal with the hand you're dealt. Being angry at mum doesnt help practically or your mental health.

You're on your own and you need to plan on that basis.

I am the same age as your mum and have a 10 year old with similar needs to your son (but THANK GOD he sleeps well).
My family don't help at all. I've had half a day's childcare from family in the last 3 years - I'm including pre COVID for him (not from my parents - DS godfather is a relative and happened to be around when I was on my own with DS, and DD was vomiting.)

YANBU at all. She's not old and she sounds like she has zero compassion.