To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

Do you work (obviously you work incredibly hard looking after your kids but outside the home?) if not can't you nap whilst ds is at school? At 2 you should qualify for 15 hours nursery on income grounds for your dd, your social worker can advise on local options (they can arrange this easier than finding respite).

As far as respite- if you request to manage your own budget then look for someone independently, there's lots of things that need to be in place which I can help a bit with, pm me if you go down this route, I've done it.

As the Mum of DS17 who sounds v.similar to your DS OP, this is very good advice, re moving this thread to the SEN boards.

There are several things that I have noticed in your posts that could be tried immediately to minimize your workload.

My DS is still in nappies and smears. This can easily be solved with special nightwear.

It's just one example but you are more likely to get the support and advice you so desperately need from elsewhere on MN rather than AIBU which can be a very nasty place at times.

Good Luck

DS's diagnosis is Autism (non verbal), ADHD and a genetic mutation which can also mimic severe autism but the autism diagnosis still stands for whatever reason, I suppose just to be clearer

You haven’t gone in to detail about how complex your DS needs are when he is awake though obviously the sleep issue must be awful. I’m assuming the real reason is she feels she cannot cope at all with his needs because she sounds like she is helpful. Have you ever had a really in depth talk with her about his needs and how best to deal with them?

I am a contemporary of your Mother as a very similar age. Children like your DS who sound like he may have profound issues were sent to specialist schools and ours is the last generation that had children with disabilities hidden away. This isn’t a time for a debate about what was wrong with this but it may go some way to explain her actual fear level. When I was a very young nurse in the 1980’s we used to treat men from a specialist home with profound difficulties, they just did not mix in society. Just like back then many more people had really dreadful physical disabilities because polio had disabled so many people had orthopaedic shoes due to limb deformities because of polio. I haven’t seen anyone like this for years now.

I am not excusing her behaviour and I think a once a month respite is not too much to ask but I’m giving my own views on why she may have such fear.

My DS is still in nappies and smears. This can easily be solved with special nightwear

Nope. DS has worked out that if you pull at the neck enough, it comes loose and you can then force it down from there

Sorry cross post you literally just explained as I was writing

I’m 53 and I wouldn’t HAVE to help you, obviously. But obviously I would. I’m perfectly fit and capable, as most 53 year old women are. I adore my children and would not see them suffer this way if I could help it. Of course it would be difficult. No one likes to be up for the day at 2 am. But of course I would. I’d be a bad parent if I didn’t.

This!

@ZeroFuchsGiven But isn't that all OP is asking for? She made it clear she didn't expect her mother to do any regular substantial childcare. Just a couple of hours every once in a while while she does something for herself. Or to step in in a medical emergency before foster care has to be brought into the conversation.

My mum is off on a cruise next week that she's saved up for. Last month it was constant pictures of her relaxing on a sun lounged, just another reasonn why I think she can be insensitive

It's nice she's had a good time but I just feel hurt

My siblings have a different dad and they're away every other weekend so didn't go on said holiday

Please check out Short Break Local Offer if you haven't already done so.

It sounds really, really hard and I'm amazed that you're still managing to hold down a job after all that you do.

My mum is off on a cruise next week that she's saved up for. Last month it was constant pictures of her relaxing on a sun lounged, just another reasonn why I think she can be insensitive

Oh I get this from my MIL. I often went to text back ‘read the room’. But I don’t.

Some of the comments are 😮.
As your siblings are teenagers, would they not like to sit for a couple of hours. I know MN children are toddlers until they are 25, but in RL, most I have known/ know are happy to earn, and they know and aren't phased by your son.
Also, what about exs' parents? What are they like?

i hope you check back later and see some kinder messages. I definitely don’t think you are being unreasonable to be upset or maybe even feel rejected on behalf of yourself and your son that she won’t offer to help. Have you ever told mum how you feel about her saying no, or she one of those people that approach would backfire with? Anyway I do hope the respite care starts to happen soon and you get some time to yourself .

This happened too with my DS at first! If it can be stretched enough for him to do this it's not the correct fit.

We tried several and have found one that he can't do it with.

It's a habit, that you can break given the right product.

DS used to have to wear bodysuits during the day too but we have gradually managed to "wean" him out of these.

It's bloody hard, I know, DS is totally non verbal, can't feed himself, doesn't sleep, etc.etc. so I really do empathise.

On a side note, do you get his free nappies from the Continence service? Just in case you didn't know, rather than buying them.

Can I ask why you think your Mum who’s in your 50s should be able to cope with your DS but it’s OK for his to just say he can’t? i think your anger is directed at the wrong place
I don't think OP is in the wrong.
If her ex is nasty to the child,do you think that is a good idea to have him around? Mum is only in her 50's, heck, I'm nearly 58,work full time and still make time to help my kids out when they are struggling.
Why wouldnt a mum help her daughter, even for a few hours knowing she us hilding the load alone and she can see she us struggling.
If i asked my mum to have my kids so i could go for a pedicure she's much less likely to agree
Why though? Everyone needs down time and a bit if time to recharge.
It's one thing to wish she'd help, and it'd be nice if she did, but he's your child, and therefore your responsibility to care for, not hers! Blimey that's harsh when you are in your knees with a child who is up at 2.00am everyday. Anyone would be exhausted
I'm glad that I'm from a family who ( on both sides mine and DH's ) really round and support each other when needed.

If you are getting respite already via social services then it sounds as though your son has some particular problems that make it hard to deal with him - if this is the case I can understand your mother not feeling she can cope, and she is right to say so.

One of my GSs is like a whirlwind and I limit the amount of caring I do as I seriously can't keep up with him and I think he deserves someone who can.

I am sorry that it is all so hard at the moment, but I think you should respect your mother's decision - she is simply being honest about what she can manage.

YANBU OP.

It is perfectly normal to hope for the support of your mum when life is so hard. I'm sorry she isn't offering it. Perhaps helping relative strangers meets a need for her. But it is ok to observe that it is strange.

I think most people here know that they would do more to help their adult children in this situation.

OP I’ve only read your posts (I gather some PPs are being goady, sorry) and I think you’re absolutely AMAZING. You’ve been dealt a really tough hand at a very young age and you are dealing with it. You just want a regular break, and to know that you are a priority to your mum, and you should be.

God knows why your mum is pissing about helping others when her own DD desperately needs her time and practical support. Is she in denial about your precarious situation? Is she scared?

is there anyone in your family who can gently advocate for you with her?

Best of luck OP. You’re incredible.

I cannot believe people are suggesting that 2 young teens should have sole care of a complex care needs child AND a toddler!

Sorry disagree, you can't expect people to drop everything for you just cause you decided to procreate.

Gosh, the more info you give the more upsetting your situation sounds. Your mom sounds like a cold-hearted entitled person. Her 'empathy' for you doesn't run deep. Its the easy conversational stuff by the sound of it.
If i was you, i would distance myself from her a bit. Stop leaning on her for emotional support and accept she actually isnt there for you. I think once you are willing to see that, you will be able to find other ways your situation could be helped. Also, stop driving up to see her. Just stop expecting support. Not everyone has great supportive parents. It sucks when you have to find out the hard way.
And to everyone who seems to defend the grandmothers 'right' to not help. I hope no one helps you when you are old and in need. Relationships are about give and take. Warmth, love, empathy and respect. If you don't give it, dont expect to get it.

Its unreal isnt it?

The op had t described her sons sen until very recently in the thread.

As much as I sympathise, I can see your mum’s point of view too.
If her kids are 14 & 15, then she’s finally out of the hardest decade of parenting, and you before them. And I gather she’s a single mum?

She’s probably not willing to offer any help to you, most likely because she’s afraid it would become a regular thing.

If she really feels that she can’t manage or cope with your son’s needs, then she probably isn’t the best person to look after him anyway.

As for her holiday photos, you sound very bitter. I think your anger is misdirected