To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

If your 6 year old is at school, your mum probably thinks you have enough respite as it is, in addition to her hosting you all on a Saturday. You've said you can sleep during the day but now have a 2 year old who prevents that - can't you put them into nursery for a few hours a week?

how you are siblings with him? If they’re all home with your DM I have visions of them keeping your DS entertained and your mum being relatively hands off?

Same here. I have done 20 years as a SAHM (which I loved), but I have definitely done my share of caring for children. I'm now doing all the things I couldn't really do, including working, volunteering, and doing things with and for friends.

She isn't obliged to help. She's raised her children now it's your turn. However I can't imagine watching my child struggle and be exhausted and not want to help even though I'm not obliged to.

And yes. Putting the 2 year old in nursery might be an option?

Can your dad help or FIL ?

It's clear that for whatever reason, your mum isn't keen to help.

What can you change about your situation to make it better for you? You've mentioned your son goes to school. And that your daughter is 2 - are you getting 15 hours free childcare for her? Can she go to nursery to give you that child free break for a few hours?

Some of these suggestions are good but sadly I'm going to have to say why they won't work

DS wouldn't be allowed at cubs, he needs constant supervision that wouldn't work at cubs. Plus no interaction or understanding of activities etc

No dogs. He isn't interested in animals but has pulled someone else's dog before out of sensory input. He very almost got bitten! Not the dogs fault

Anyone could say the same about you? What’s so hard about a 6 year old when he’s in school all week?

Execpt no one is being a dick and saying that because it’s unreasonable to say that about someone’s life. Your mum still has 2 young teenagers at home, just because they don’t need supervision every second doesn’t mean it isn’t also draining.

Your post is confusing because actually your mum has had your DC for various reasons, but it seems like what she is saying is your DS is too much for her to cope with and she can’t offer regular booked in childcare. Is that your issue?

If you aren’t working doesn’t your DD have free nursery hours if she is 2?
You say she doesn’t nap but there should be 15 hours a week when she is in nursery and DS is in school.

@Bpdqueen because they work in a sense that they put him to sleep, eventually

@changingstreets it is hard to see her helping friends of friends but refusing to help you, I understand that!

Obviously under normal circumstances it should first be the children's father taking both of them at least EOW, giving you at least 4 nights per month when you could get a full night's sleep and four full days "off duty".

However you say your children's father is verbally abusive towards your son, so (whilst he is clearly the one deserving of blame and anger) it's absolutely right that you don't want to expose your son to that!

I'm close to your mum's age and have joint care of a class of eight children with special needs at work, including non verbal but physically able children who can be violent when overwhelmed or over stimulated. I'm no more exhausted by them than my colleague in her late 20s, unless she's pretending to make me feel better 😊 so I don't think your mums age in itself is a reason she's unable to help you. I also have my own teens and don't think that's a reason not to be able to look after a disabled child once or twice a month unless your teen siblings have additional needs or challenging behaviour too?

Of course she isn't obligated to help you.

Of course she's a bit of a hypocrite regularly offering help on social media to people she barely knows but declining to help her daughter.

Of course your ex husband is the real bad guy.

I understand your frustration with your mother though.

Wouldn't a good solution be for her to look after your daughter though, while your son is at school?

You can drive there as soon as your son is at school and leave your DD with her until whatever time you'd need to drive home? That won't give you time to nap but you say you'd like to do things like have a pedicure and walk around on your own just to unwind - it'd give you about 2.5 hours for that surely?

Personal attacks won't help you op.

It's a fair point. You're dismissive of your mums life.

I'm going to leave the thread now. My own doing as it's AIBU and I expected a lot of heated chat, but it isn't for me

Some of these comparisons are just insulting and it's too much. My mum herself is even aware her teens are in no laughable way comparable to having a severely disabled DS who doesn't sleep. Some older babies get you up at 4am. I am up usually between 2am and 3am, every day. Clearing smearing and supervising.

It's insulting

YABU OP. Helping others in the form of lifts is very different to having sole care of a profoundly disabled child and toddler. You've been quite contradictory too, in the OP you are at breaking point, but wrt your mum looking after him he isn't that hard work?
I have a disabled child and I get that it sucks, but many people don't have the nerves or confidence to look after children with complex care needs.
Instead of getting your eyebrows done pay a babysitter to look after your dd and have some alone time.
And your DM does support you, she hosts you for dinner every single week!

Dismissive how?

She - doesn't work. Has 2 older DC who go to school all day and take themselves to activities that are local. They sleep, SLEEP being the major one here

She is never surviving after getting up at 2am. So no I'm not dismissive of her life

Nobody is saying we all don't have our struggles but come on now ffs

Sounds really tough OP.

Yes your mum should help. Once a month for a few hours is not a big ask. When I returned to work my mum asked if she could have my children while I was at work but 'no pressure' I couldn't believe my luck. That's what a good parent who has retired or not working would love to do. But your mother is not being a good grandparent or mother. You are not even asking her for the child or children to stay overnight. Can you make some friends in similar situations and perhaps works something out between you all? Facebook groups as a starting point?

Instead of getting your eyebrows done pay a babysitter to look after your dd and have some alone time.

My eyebrows cost £4 a MONTH ffs

What a silly post. Of course OP you are entitled to have your eyebrows done or do whatever you want. You are not just a mother you deserve to have a life too

But your mum did keep him so you could get your feet done?

Yes and it was as if she'd been asked for a weeks worth of constant childcare

Like shite is that something I would love to do that does not make me or anyone a bad parent or grandparent.

But she did it.

Huge drip feed that your mother lives two hours away and is parenting teenagers herself.

Of course it's would be lovely to have some help but concentrate on trying to find something locally ... use the petrol money you are saving if necessary. I can't imagine choosing to do a four hour round trip every Saturday with two young DC. Find out what is available in your local community, even in our very small town we have a 'Good neighbourhood scheme' where people help each other out.