To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

I've posted several times as you know OP, and my DS is incredibly similar to yours we are just further down the line than you, so I totally get it.

My parents are dead and my in-laws have never even had him for 10 mins in the 17 years since he has been born.

I know only too well that need to vent so if you ever want to I can be a listening ear, just PM me and we can moan together.😁

I would see if she could take DD during school hours once a fortnight for you
To sleep.

I would also see if you can get her into nursery at the age of 2 she's entitled to 15 hours a week.

I feel for you op, nobody offers to help with my eldest DS who has high needs and doesn't sleep well. Last time I got a "break" was four years ago and only because I was recovering from a big surgery and DH had to look after me. It's hard.

I find strict routine is key for sleep.

I would also take your ex by the balls and tell him straight.

My sides!🤣🤣🤣

@IntrovertedPenguin she is in nursery 15 hours a week

Exactly, she's being a mother to get children, because of this she's unable to practically help out her adult child. Sorry OP, yabu. It was your decision to have another child too.

This. I was lucky with my older son(was on my own from day 1) my mum would take him once a week overnight from when he was a baby. She was nearly 50 at the time. Not because I asked but because she wanted to spend time with her grandson. And if he got too cranky or didn’t sleep well they just ‘persevered’(stepdad’s words) because they done it with their own kids. Also now MIL has taken ds 3yr once a week from when he was a baby and takes the baby once a month because she wants to spend time with them. Also the baby has slept all night since he was 4weeks, the 3yr old gets up most nights between 12 and 2 and stays awake for an hour -3hours but does eventually fall back to sleep and I don’t get to catch up on sleep when he’s at nursery as baby only catnaps for 20min at a time during the day and dp works but will stay up til 3yr old goes to bed, If he manages to fall asleep for even 5mins after nursery he’s awake till atleast 12 other wise he goes to bed at 8

Yet she's able to drop everything to drive to an airport to pick up a stranger so she looks good on social media. But I guess there is no narcissistic attention-seeking in looking after her own grandson. Nothing to gain publicitywise.

No. OP is most definitely NBU.

@RedHelenB how is it practically a challenge? Please explain when I've stated over and over, I'm the one to drive to her and I'm asking for only a few hours every month. You're saying a 14 and 15 year old prevent you from helping for a few hours once a month? Really?

It's unfortunate but you really need to have a serious word with child's father. He needs to pull the weight as well, can't be just on you to sort out.

Your mum is disgusting. You were in hospital with what sounds like a serious condition and she only came to take the kids to save them being put into foster care?

WTF!!! If you were my child I’d be absolutely terrified! You wouldn’t have been alone at that hospital in the first place. I don’t think your relationship is as close as you think it is. My mum is a pain in the arse a lot of the time but she’d have been torn between staying with me and taking the kids….that’s normal - that’s what a normal mother does. There’s something seriously wrong with your mother.

And for grandparents who say they wouldn’t help, what would you do if your child (who presumably you have lovingly raised) had a complete nervous breakdown? Because this could very easily happen. My kids weren’t this difficult (both Asperger’s) and I was in such a bad place mentally and physically. This sort of situation could ruin your child’s mental and physical health permanently. Do you not realise that?! I’m fifty and I know health varies a lot at this age, but I’d do anything to help if you were my child because you make sacrifices for your children.

@changingstreets What part of parenting 14+15 year olds would make that so hard?

okay, am about to hand you your arse on a platter here.

have you ever had 14-15yo’s in a full-time parental capacity? They are the worst. From 13-15yo they can make you want to cease to exist. I coped with alcohol, unfortunately I had several so was probably a functional alcoholic during that period. I lived for work to escape the horrible fuckers. Truly vile creatures at that age. They improve after 16yo to ‘bearable’.

I also had one who was/is ASD/ADHD/OCD/GAD/bipolar (once an older teen). They also didn’t sleep when very young, but guessing your melatonin dose may be off, we had to have ours compounded to suit/dose that worked. There is zero way a person over mid 40’s AT MOST could have coped with my child. You may love them to bits (I did/do) but you must be realistic. It’s a fucktonne to put on someone having a kid that is a little human whirlwind, and to bitch that a person would n their 50’s can’t cope is beyond the pale.

There needs to be consequences. OP needs to let her mum know that the consequences of her neglect means when she is in her 'hour of need' like when she is older and frail, OP won't be there to look out for her, so as you sow, so you reap. And the OP's sibling won't help the mum out. So she'll be stuck all on her own, probably in a nursing home and no one visiting her. OP needs to make that known to her mum, so she can stop and think about the future and the repercussions of treating her daughter like shit.

I really feel for you OP, mainly your situation but also the large amount of nasty replies you've had here. No doubt from posters who've never experienced long periods of time (years!) surviving on three hours sleep a night day after day after day.

Yes your ex is a selfish useless shit. He should do his share but he isn't going to and even if he did sometimes you couldn't trust him to be abusive. Hence, not what this thread is about.

Your mum: technically she isn't responsible for your welfare now you're an adult or providing care due her grandchildren as they are the parent's responsibility not the grandparents. But morally? Of course she should step up! I understand she has her own life, teenage kids at home, lives a distance away etc but a few hours once a month would make such a difference to you. Its hardly as if you have ANY other options!

If i was your mum I would not relish the idea of helping as your son, bless him as he can't help it, sounds like a real challenge. But I would offer a few hours a month, including one overnight. I'd dread scraping through with three hours sleep but I'd remind myself that you do that every bloody night!

My son has ASD and ADHD (at the high functioning end, sorry I know we're not meant to use that term any more but I'm just illustrating that he was a whole lot easier than yours). He was my mums first grandchild, born in her 50s and she'd been banging on for years about how she wanted to be an active and involved grandma. But once he was 1 year + she decided he was too much of a handful and we got every excuse under the sun as to why she couldn't spend any time with him. She would have my sister's (golden) children for 2 weeks at a time though and would run rings around herself doing people at the church and in the community favours. To be honest I think a big part of that was to assague her conscience that she was a "really good person" and would have helped me but she was "just so busy helping so many people".

The crux of the issue seemed to be (and I think it might be the same for you) is that when she declared her enthusiasm for grandchildren, having a neurodiverse grandchild was not what she "signed up for". Well, no shit Sherlock, it wasn't what I (or you) signed up for when we had children either.

Final comment to all the sneering posters in here. In my line of work my firm once had to deal with a really tragic case where a mother with a severely mentally disabled daughter took her own life, and her daughter's after repeatedly asking all and sundry (including social services) for help and respite and not getting any. It's all very well for posters to say "your child, your responsibility" but if someone needs help they bloody well need help!

@HoppingPavlova you're not 'hanging me my arse on a plate' because my siblings are very well behaved kids, busy with sports after school, etc etc. and they don't have additional needs like you have an example of so no, you haven't handed me my arse on a plate because the teens in question are lovely and busy, with 0 issues

My mum would say so herself. They're really lovely kids with no additional needs but of course you'll probably twist what I have to say and insist there must be something else with them that's challenging and I can't possibly know, despite knowing them very well and my mum never really saying anything at all about them negatively other than usual teenage dramas once in a while

This.

And teens are gard but it isn't relentless like young kids unless there are specific issues, which I'm sure op would know about.

And if she has time to help people she doesn't really know, she has time to help her child who is on her knees becaus of 6 years of sleep deprivation.

I'm usually on the GP's side on this issue but I couldn't watch my daughter drown for the want of offering to take her child for a few hours respite a week/month. I know she can't be forced but where is her compassion for you? I can also understand why you don't want their dad to have him, even if I do think he's a twat.

Woah!

@JennyNotFromTheBlock are you actually serious? OP said her mum is a good person and offers her a lot of emotional support. On top of weekly hosting her and her dc. And taking over in an emergency situation. And took the dc when OP asked. What part of that is neglect in your opinion?

I think this is soo wrong. I think it’s more to do with the way you parent your teen. They defo aren’t the worst. My toddler is far more hard work than what my older son was during these years. He was an angel compared to some of the stories his friends parents would say about their teens. But he also had friends whose parents would praise them like I did mine. There not all horrible nasty creatures

No, are you the one actually serious? OP has said her mum refuses to help her, but helps others to look good. And don't make out like she helped 'in an emergency'. For petes sake the hospital had to ring her and tell her the DC would be put in foster care, before she would even do anything about it!!

Assuming she's local, then yes - she should be helping you out a lot more than she is. It sucks that she isn't.
Can you pinpoint a reason as to why? Has she got her own health concerns? Does she feel out of practice/unconfident with young children?

My own mum is a decade+ older than yours, and I feel like she'd have been really involved, had this been me.

@LisaJool i take it you didn’t read that part that said her mum only step up because as we’re going to put them in foster care

@zingally she just says it's really tiring. Generally speaking I suppose. She's never said she can't keep him safe for example

When she had him and I was in hospital, she rang me every few hours to say things like 'it's so hard isn't it? I just don't know how you cope. I'm so tired' and then that morning rang me at 3.30am when he got up to say 'I'm so so tired'

I was trying to recover from sepsis

I had her on loud speaker at one point and even the nurse was a bit shocked at how self centred she came across. I wasn't asked until the end of the conversation about how hard DS is, how I was? Little did she know I was then on oxygen

No, she doesn’t want him to have them. Big difference.