To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

Bloody hell all those saying she is in her 50’s and might struggle, when you are in you in your late 40s you will indeed hope and expect to be bright eyed and bushy tailed in your 50’s - just saying!

She did step up-but I don't think that she should have had to.

The father was only in a fucking meeting!

I’m your mothers age.
I remember 15 years ago resenting my FIL and SIL who were only interested in spending time with the child without special needs.
I understand it a bit more now.

you love your mum and you want her to be happy and healthy. Can you be strong enough to find out how all this looks from her point of view without judging her? There is a real difference in the impact of sleep deprivation at 53 compared to 26.

doing “easy” one-off good deeds gives a dopamine rush. It’s the opposite of taking responsibility. Try not to compare the two things

and yes to special needs board.

the real problem is the lack of respite :(

I always think mm is so weird on this topic, I live miles from any family either side but if I lived closer I know they'd be offering help etc. If I need it. We have a long standing agreement in summer were dc go stay with family for a month stretch! Spending time with gp and aunties. They have a full itinerary they go over with us first and often includes a week staycation at the coast. Getting them back at end of the month is the hard part, as gp and aunts etc will swear it wasn't enough time.

Even with the distance both sets of family want a close relationship with dc and dc love these summer breaks, I think it's definitely memories they'll chat about when older, staying in nannies and seeing all their cousins, doing theme parks and swimming lessons.

op I feel awful for you, my kids aren't SN and even I need that break, your not wrong for expecting family to help. Family should help each other, my mum used to spend summers with her nanny and aunts in a different county from where she was living and loved it, calls those times her favourite childhood memories, her and my uncles often talk about it. She couldn't wait to do the same with mine and I know I'll do it for my kids when their grown with kids some day.

I don't know what my DS understands. No way I'd take the risk. Emotional abuse when my son already struggles so bloody hard to communicate a basic need? Can't even tell me if or where he's hurt, hungry or thirsty? No way I'd take the risk!

Safeguarding him is my job.

This!!

Of course nobody is obliged to help but why the hell would you watch someone you love struggle to that extent and not help if you were able to. I simply don’t get it…..I wouldn’t stand by and watch a mate, never mind my DC, struggle like that

What business is that of ours?

Have you stopped your kids seeing their father altogether to safeguard them?

No. But he 'can't cope' and his dad is always there to help, alongside SIL

@been and done it. Because if she's not working due to health or disability then it adds another layer as to why she might not be able to cope with the op DS.

But she is dm's daughter, so where is dm's compassion for her child? If my dd was struggling I wouldn't want to see her exhausted. Going to dd house once a month or six weeks while dd is upstairs having a snooze, put a film on for the kids? It doesn't have to be martyrdom to help dd.

My mum doesn't even phone me. Only when something is seriously wrong so maybe twice a year. She never ever supports me even mentally. Now she is getting old and frail and my eldest is 19 and he's not got a normal relationship with her, do you think she eould slot nicely to moving in with us for support? I do lots for her. Phone her weekly, drive just over 80 miles to see her. But that's on me. My kids would never do that. Because in the context of the relationship its become abnormal. If you check out of gc lives and sanitise it then why would they return the favour? You become a old moaning person they hardly know. Much easier to build bonds at 50 while they are young and your still fit than at 70 when your doddery and they are young adults.

I could be wrong about my mum's actions on my kids yet but I doubt it. They only feel bond with her out of duty to me. Take me out the equation and there's nothing.

Being 53 is no excuse, I'm 51 and have a 10yo

Which is rather different to being 53 with a 26yo and two teens. She's been a parent a looooong time and is clearly ready for a different phase in her life to a 51yo with a 10yo.

Well no, there is no disability or health condition. She simply doesn't have to work

Nothing to do with me

this changes things yet again. So your son would actually be with his dad, grandfather and aunt.

It doesn;t sound like you have much support where you live, would things change if you lived near your mother?

It may be that she, or your siblings, could babysit the youngest while the 6 year year old is either in school or respite (different area there may be respite carers available) to let you get some sleep - or take both of them for a few hours at your home for you to have a break - looking after him at their house is probably more work than it would be in his own environment - but if they had to drive 4 hours to do that it negates the impact (and I get why you drive to try and lessen that)

However you also do have to ask, yes you say your mother offers to help those less close (for example the family at the airport - but how far is the airport and their home from where she lives - my mother lives 20 minutes from the local airport if she went picked someone up and dropped them back to her own street thats not a big favour, if she lived 2 hours from the airport and they live 30 minutes past where she lives that would turn into a huge favour), so if it was the case of 'Mum can you pop down the road to keep an eye on them while I go grab some milk' - giving you half an hour of free time, for her giving up 40 minutes of her time that seems a lot less

Also on the Saturday when you go over there have you asked her if she would be ok if you leave for an hour to go for a walk just to have some time where you are not 'on' - I think that would make a difference mentally

@NCFT0922 yes but his dad usually outright refuses to see them. And if he does, he ropes in his sister etc who has her own very young children. So it's rare he's got the DC for a few hours and if he does, he won't do it alone

I'm usually the person who says grandparents shouldn't be expected to help. But if you were my dd I'd try and help the odd night for you. It sounds so tough and we all need a bit of help now and again.

@changingstreets Gosh your mum, sounds like mine, however mine is older. She extended her holiday once when she knew how desperate I was. I wasn’t expecting here to do much, he was my baby, but no way would
I treat my adult kids like that, I would help them, they wouldn’t have to ask.

It doesn;t sound like you have much support where you live, would things change if you lived near your mother?

I had wondered about his.

It's a big upheaval though if Op's mum then doesn't end up helping more.

Especially if Op's son is settled in school where he is.

You’re using quite a double standard here though, why is it okay for the father to say he can’t cope with DS but it isn’t okay for the grandmother to say this?

Because there's apparently no end to the support that (older) women are expected to provide.

It sounds like the father would have him but you don’t want him to as he “can’t cope”
you're not coping though either are you but you have no choice? Why is it different from him? Sounds like he has more support than you

Without knowing what if any special needs your son has its difficult to judge. If your son has significant needs maybe your mum genuinely feels she could not cope?
If he does not have significant needs then maybe your mum does not realise you are not coping/ or thinks you should cope as its just normal mum stresses?

If she finds your DS hard work could she take your DD for a couple of hours during the school day so you can catch up on sleep?

Did you read her original post?

Just say you wouldn't help your kids and move on but stop trying to justifyi it with "sexism" .. her mother is also a mother parenting doesn't end when kids become adults. Children should always be able to rely on their mum.

DC dad is clearly a fucking deadbeat, that's hardly op's fault. We can't predict who our kids will grow up to start a family with, we can only hope for the best. As a mum I'm fully aware my duties will never end, they may change, but I'll always be their for my kids and any kids they have. Not because I a woman insert some shit about internalised misogyny 🙄 but because I choose to be a mother and bring others into this world, I'll be their for them till my last breath. It your not prepared to support adult kids when needed, then why have kids? Get a puppy then you can be certain your obligations won't extend 16 years 🤷‍♀️