To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

@LisaJool i didn't miss the fact she took them ONCE. And it felt like a big ask.

Sleep deprived young mother in need for help for a few hours a month. Willing to do all the driving. Its Cruel to decline. Especially if you're her closest relative. When people snap and tragedies happen, everyone is so quick to say 'why didn't they ask for help' . Again, what if you do, but no one helps you? Long term sleep deprivation can drive you absolutely crazy. It changes something in your brain. So, yes. Dm should help if she cared. But it looks like she really doesn't.

I'm that age and have kids younger than your mum, work and have pets and I would absolutely help!! I'd probably get you to spend the weekends with me or at least every other weekend so you could get some rest.

Can I ask why at age 6 you can't get him to just watch his ipad in his bed if he wakes up?

I remember my eldest being 3 and if he got up before us he would just switch cbeebies on and get himself a bun for breakfast.

It's comments like this that made me suggest to the OP to move this thread to the SEN boards.

Proud of yourself are you?🙄

No OP does not say that her DM "makes her lunch". This is embellishing her story.

And life is not simply "get the DD more involved " particularly as OP says he is abusive towards this child. As a parent there is a responsibility to protect your child against abuse.
In an ideal world yes, this maybe the answer but we do not live in an ideal world.
If I was in OP's shoes I would not be doing a 2 hour drive to visit a relative who in many ways appears to be a distant relative. I would be changing things by asking her to visit me. Personal opinion only.

@changingstreets
Where do I start?
I am so, SO sorry you're having to put up with all the unhelpful, nay, BELITTLING, ARGUMENTATIVE posts.. I could only read a few pages because I found it so upsetting.
Especially the posts where it was obvious that readers had only skim read your posts & hadn't taken a tenth of the content in, ffs..

I can't for the life of me figure out why your mum isn't doing more to help, and you're taking DS to HER..
She's obviously one of those people who loves to be thought of as a good egg, helping folk out & publicising it, but charity starts at home.. and people do notice. I'm sure some are thinking 'why doesn't she help her OWN DD?'

The holiday photos.. oh. Ok. I'm sorry sweetie, I know you say you're close & love her, personally, I really, strongly dislike her..
Hugs to you, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job, keep fighting, I hope there is some organisation who reads your posts & can give you a damn break. Bless you & your DC. xx

just wondering how the hell this happens, it is a glorious size

You must be exhausted @changingstreets. It’s obvious the Children’s father cannot be trusted with him, and I find it so hard to understand why someone would put themselves out for a stranger won’t help even when you have been so poorly.

Thinking of you and hoping you get more of what you need soon. I hope some of the suggestions are helpful but I think you are totally justified to need a space to vent.

Thank you

Sadly he doesn't know how to use a tablet and just throws them. No interest in characters or telly, no skills to work games etc

@Strangeways19

OP said “My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday. (Post 1)

“She does make us dinner when we visit” (Post at 8.15am)

The father WONT have him, how exactly do you expect her to force him??

Again thank you for the support and some suggestions have been very clever and useful, even if I have already tried and they don't work for whatever reason

I will join the SEN board. I didn't realise it was on here (doesn't seem to be on active chat so didn't find it before)

Thank you

People still saying the father should help, how brilliant an idea. I guess op didn't think about that, thanks on her behalf for your enlightened comments. (did you read the bit about the bullying and abuse?)

I wonder if your mum is daunted by helping because she doesn’t understands your son’s needs?
how about asking her to stay over at your’s and if he wakes in night, your mum can go to him and let you sleep.
that way, his routine doesn’t ch age and your mum can still help you, but she can get you for help if she needed to.

I know it's my own fault for posting in AIBU. And I'm lucky enough to have very solid mental and emotional health generally

But some of these replies have left me feeling a bit in despair, they're so horrible. I can take it. I just think you're rude and move on. But please spare a thought for someone close to breaking point reading these things: it might tip them over the edge of you reply so horribly to a similar thread in a year, few years, few months. Who knows

I was married with a loving husband who became abusive after our daughter was born. That broke the camels back, and my son's care needs unfortunately increased. It isn't my fault. I didn't know he would do this. I am so heartbroken for my son that his dad could treat him like that. It's horrific, I feel as if I let him down by not choosing a great life partner but the truth is I just didn't know until it was too late

What a weird post.

As you seem to be so ill informed I will take it upon myself to educate you. There are many, many hugely successful middle aged mothers with young children in existence. I include myself in this, I’m 48, a partner in a hedge fund with a small baby.

Such an odd thing to mention management at McDonalds or Esther Rantzen who was / is a TV presenter

OP, you are so NBU. Of course your mother isn’t obligated to help you but of course she should naturally want to help you, she’s your mother! I will do all I can to help my son during my entire lifetime, as, well, he’s my son so why wouldn’t I want to help to make his life as happy and easy as possible 🤷🏻‍♀️ Ignore all the silly responses saying she’s not ‘obligated’, that’s just stating the obvious.

I was not criticising op, but explaining what the mother may be thinking, and is a very salient point!

I might be missing something and I don't want to be insensitive, but - you say you don't want DS's dad to look after him because he says things to belittle him. Does your DS have the comprehension to understand what his dad is saying? If he doesn't understand it, can it be harming him? If not, surely his dad can and should be doing his bit to take care of him? Your son is his son too.

Hope you get some help there Op.

Yes. Like the OP's mother, who is still parenting her own teenage children!

She did step up though

Oh OP, this sounds so tough on you 💐

This! 2 older teens who are able to be left alone for extended periods of time, can be pretty self sufficient etc.
how's her plate so full that she can't offer some respite to her daughter?

I can't imagine not helping out my child under these circumstances, once a month for a few hours is nothing.

I have grandchildren that I help out with even though I still have an 11 year old and 9 year old at home and my 9 year old is autistic.

Yeah I'm knackered sometimes but I couldn't watch my children struggle like op and not help out

And I'm a single parent who's dc only go to their dads some school holidays

Hi , I just wanted to offer my sympathy.I couldn't work out if you've ever been completely up front with your mum, or whether you skirt round flat out asking for help?
Could you ask for a night off every other week?
Can you tell her how low you feel , that you feel almost at breaking point.
Could she help to brainstorm a way to help you?
Send you lots of love.x

Really sorry for you and hope you manage to find someone who can help you.