To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

Op
Of course it would be lovely if she gave you more practical support however you do mention that she's great at emotional support and does help out in an emergency.

I suppose I'm coming at this from my side in that I have 3 kids who are tweens now so over the worst of it but still really busy. I fantasise about the future when they're gone off and Independent and I have time to myself again to travel, take up hobbies etc.
I can definitely see myself not wanting to provide regular childcare to any potential gc but I would definitely help out on an ad hoc basis. Your son does sound very high needs maybe she just feels that she can't cope.

It must be very frustrating for you Op.

Thinking back about when you were in hospital & foster care was mentioned.

Perhaps she was hoping that their father would be contacted?

I mean foster care when there is a father available??

I have read the full thread, OP, and you have my sympathy. I cannot imagine how difficult and exhausting your life must be. Just a few hours respite per month does not sound excessive and it is disappointing that your mother feels unable to help for whatever reason; especially as she seems to thrive on helping others.
Your ex obviously cannot be trusted with DS even if he were willing to have him. How about any members of his family, though?
I really hope you get some desperately needed help soon. Good luck.

@JaninaDuszejko

Being 53 is no excuse, I'm 51 and have a 10yo, I have a friend who had all her 3DC in her 40s and holds down a senior management job in an international company. I'm sure she finds a 6yo hard work (because they just are) but it would make such a massive difference to you if she looked after your DC for, e.g. 1 night a week. You sound like you are on your knees.

This kind of thing rankles me. Just because someone is in good health, and bright eyed and bushy tailed, and works loads of hours, and is able to run marathons blah blah blah, at 53, that doesn't follow that someone else who's the same age can do the same.

Some people have physical health issues at that age, some have mental health issues, some have social anxiety, and some are actually too busy - ya know with their job - or other children living at home.

And in these probably fictional scenarios, there is ALWAYS a middle aged woman who had ALL of her kids in her 40s, who is a high flying executive for an 'international company.' Is it Esther Rantzen? Or is it, as I suspect, someone who's a manager at the West Acton branch of McDonalds?

I am sorry you are struggling @changingstreets and it does all sound shit, but your mother isn't obliged to help you. Sounds like she has enough on her plate running her own home, and with your siblings still living there. I also cannot see a problem with her 'not wanting to go out to work.' She has kids still at home.

What is wrong with a woman in her 50s 'not going out to work' when they have kids still at home? Your dad sends money to her, but why shouldn't he? HE doesn't appear to be the one looking after HIS children. Also, why are you not denigrating your dad for not helping? Why just your mother?

She could occasionally offer to help you though I guess. It does seem a little harsh not to, just a couple of times a month even. I am on the fence a little. Leaning more towards being on your mother's side, but still seeing your point a bit.

I can't offer any real advice, but as @IncompleteSenten said, you know what to do when she is elderly and infirm and needs help. Just refuse.

I know my parents would not have helped me either, having my kids for tea felt like a major drama - “but what can I give them to eat...?” 🤷‍♀️

However, my parents would also not be steeping in when a feckless father won't and would not support me given that is also chosen to have another child in such a difficult situation.

That's awful! How did op know about her son"s sen? It's really bad luck. And he deserves all the love on the eworld, as does op for the amazing job she's doing

Op I think I've read all your responses but not all pps, have you tried asking your mum again?

I've made it clear to both my kids that there is no chance that I'll ever be doing childcare for them as a regular thing for work purposes ( so no one/two/three/whatever days per week, every week), although will offer weekends/a week for holidays or whatever.

But holy shit there is not a chance in hell that I would see my beloved children on their knees with exhaustion and not step in to provide help. Even every week. Even overnight. It just wouldn't occur to me not to.

As for Mum being 53 and still parenting teens- well, I'm 54 and have a just-turned-15 son. If anything, I imagine he would help with your ds, because he's a decent lad.

OP I feel for you. I do agree with PPs that you can't expect your Mum to help- but hoping she would is entirely normal.

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time

I do think the 2 hour distance/4 hour round trip will make a difference, I just assumed she was in the same town from your earlier posts. Are the other people she supports much more local to her?

Have you tried sitting down with her and saying look mum, it would really help if you did X?

I suspect her fear is that she’s a terrible over committer, and that if she gets involved with her grandson, she will gradually get more and more sucked in and will not be able to get out. So I think you need to tackle that head on, and acknowledge it and what you will do to prevent that happening.

Also while I understand your worries about his father - have you tried talking to him too? It’s really really poor he isn’t being a father and I do wonder if his behaviour is semi - deliberate, and he should be called on that.

I understand your disappointment with your mum, although I think your anger should be directed more at your ex

If she’s in her 50s she may not have the energy for it.

The later years of her life

Shes 53, not 83! Many 50 year olds are still parenting themselves.

It helps when you start to recognise usernames and realise it's often the same people again and again on so many struggling mum threads sticking the boot in. Not only that but they don't just say their piece and go, they post again and again and again, so if you're not checking usernames it gives the impression there's a lot more assholes than there actually are. I hope OP is focusing on the more thoughtful, empathetic or supportive comments because her situation sounds extremely tough and I think she could do with a bolster.

If I were your mum and she is only a few years older than me with the same aged teens, I would offer you at least one day a month where you could go off in your own at least for a few hours. I might in all honesty dread it because it is hard looking after a challenging child but I would definitely do it!

I would also get my teens to help entertain! I think you are going through a lot at what seems a young age. I also think you need to get his Dad to help more and explain that he needs to change the way he handles this. I understand why you don’t want him to look after him, but he is getting out the responsibility because of his bad attitude to his child and you need that relationship to work.

You need to explain to both that without respite you will not be able to cope long term or be a good parent to your child.

Would your mum be up for having just your dd whilst to 6 year old is at school?

I feel for you, OP. Losing sleep long term is horrific. I am early 50s with a teen who has a condition I help him with often in the night. I also work. I am finding it increasingly difficult to manage and I do think that it is very much down to age. It getting harder and harder to recover from. I really wouldn’t support my child with a grandchild who was struggling to sleep overnight with overnight stays, I’m afraid, at this point in my life, it really would be too much.

It occurs to me that you might find your mum more supportive if she were nearer to you? Is moving nearer a possibility for you?

It’s unreasonable to expect and not at all unreasonable for her not to want to. A lot of the opinions saying they wouldn’t watch their DD struggle, but we don’t know the background. We can see from information given by the OP that she had the child very young, the father is a dead loss and she’s had a second child with him. The DM is generally kind and there is a good relationship. The OP expresses a sense of entitlement to help in her posts. Parents do not have to keep on accepting the direct negative consequences of their adult children’s choices. They are entitled to draw boundaries.

I feel like I always appear on these threads to suggest Homestart, but it might be worth a try. They could send a volunteer for 2h a week to support you which would give you a little of bit of a break. It is more about supporting families with children under 5 but you could use it for help with your DD while your Ds is at school. They are also able to help you access other services. You can self-refer.

@Justwalkthissideplease did you miss the bit where the OP asked her to look after them to get her feet done and she took them. She isn't point blank saying no, but she isn't offering to take them, which is what OP wants.
I would be confident to look after a child with high medical needs, oxygen dependent, PEG/JEJ fed etc, but would I offer to take a sleep disturbed, incontinent child who is a flight risk and needs constant supervision otherwise he smears faeces? As well as his 2 year old sister? Whilst I have two teens at home... Honestly, no, because I'd be on constant edge and I would be so worried I couldn't keep them both safe.

@PurpleButterflyWings

Well TBF a lot of women in big corporate jobs do have kids late, I can think of a good dozen I know.

I think the point that PP is making is most people in their 50s have a good amount of energy, so that is not a valid reason not to help out.

Not to say the OP’s mother should do so, but being in her 50s is not an auto strike against it.

YANBU and it sounds like your mum takes you for granted. I would stop going over every Saturday. I would stop visiting her, full stop. If she asks, tell her why. Tell her you are struggling and she's never been there for you, but she prefers to help total strangers just so she looks good.

Same for me. Dc with SEN and health issues dm won’t help told me I’ve made my bed to lie on it

helps dsis all the time . Treats me like shit and doesn’t care I’m struggling. Moans to people I don’t bother to see her I pulled her up on this and said exactly what every day and night is like for us and that I’m exhausted she just said ‘sorry you’re struggling’

Op and @IncompleteSenten agree with you. Some parents just don't care. Equally you shouldn't care or rely on them. Find a plan b. And treat your mum as loosely as she treats you.

There was another thread about a woman wanting to train as a nurse, and asked her mum to look after her sen child a few days a month. She, according to MN, shouldn't be studying nursing, and the mum, half the people said is perfectly right in not giving an f.

Real life though, as above.

Where are her kids?

What a lovely person you are. Your family are lucky to have you.

Agree. It may be disappointment on the mother's part that precludes her offering more help.

What a nasty thing to say. Have a good look at yourself - do you like the sort of person who makes such horrible comments to someone who's desperate for help because of their disabled child?