To think my mum should help me more with DC?

[changingstreets]

DC is 6.

He gets up between 2am, 4am is very much a lay in for me. Yes, he is on melatonin maximum dose.

I am really struggling just now. It's okay until once a month or so I just crash and feel a bit hopeless

I have fought and fought social care for additional respite, and he has the hours, but nobody will take them up and there aren't enough agency staff for it to be a regular thing

I'm shattered. I do sleep in the school day but holidays are difficult and I have a DD age 2 who doesn't do sleeping in the day, but luckily has a snooze 7-7.30 at night to morning! Sometimes sleeps until 8.

My mum is refusing to help. I go and see her every Saturday but she doesn't offer to have DS for me even once in a while.

I asked her if she could watch him whilst I got my feet done last week, and it was very much a case of 'yeah that should be okay'. I felt like I really had to rush around. It just wasn't worth it

AIBU to want and expect a little extra support?

I was left for 'another woman'. I am 26 and I was left for a 19 year old. No helpful H on the scene and he can't 'deal' with DS anymore

It's just so shit.

@ZeroFuchsGiven it just really highlights how so many people have no idea of the type of care that is required for some disabled dc.

God knows why your mum is pissing about helping others when her own DD desperately needs her time and practical support.

Presumably because that is help that she can easily give.

It's hard to easily help someone who is 2hrs away!

Op perhaps you should ask he if she would drive to you & look after your daughter whilst your son is at school so that you can rest?

YANBU. These threads always make me sad. I wish everyone could have a mum as wonderful as mine. I hope things get easier as your children get a bit older OP x

I feel for you . Especially when you said you drive 2 hours to see her . I offer to help my son with his children who have medical problems , but now I seem to be only contacted when they need help , when I invite them for Christmas it seems to be a case of if they can fit us in . But in the past I was accused of not helping enough and it hurt . Iack of communication nearly broke us . Do you think she is scared that she can’t cope ? Try to sit down and ask her and say you feel hurt and personally I don’t think you are asking much for the odd hour here and there when you are travelling so far to see her .

He's no less her grandson, even if he has significant SEN?

This is why parent carers are on their knees. No support available at all. And when they finally crack and dare to ask for support it's 'Well, your child is too hard for us, and they are YOUR responsibility, so off you fuck'

No, she said she'd been approved for respite by SS.

So have I. There are no carers. So we can't make use of it. I've used every means possible to advertise, I've literally posted ads to lampposts on my street.

Being approved for respite and actually receiving respite are two very different things.

My heart breaks for you op.
I've read a lot of replies and I just can't fathom some of them. She's your mum. She should want to help you out. My mum would move heaven and earth to help make my life easier and I can't imagine not doing the same for my daughter no matter the circumstances.
So no, in my opinion asking for a few hours once a month is not unreasonable. The nurse having to ring and say foster care if she doesn't come is absolutely awful.
I hope she doesn't need help/care in her old age because if she was my mother she wouldn't be getting it from me.

Your mum sounds like one of those people who does favours because she wants everyone to think that she is a really great person, not because they actually want to help people out.
“DM is such a nice person did you hear that she did this for so and so, and even went to the airport to pick so and so up” unfortunately helping out her daughter won’t get that kind of praise so she won’t bother doing it

@Justwalkthissideplease how has she sounded cold hearted? She offers emotional support and practical support in the form of one day a week with a meal. OP said she enjoys the drive there as it is a respite for her. The ds sounds as if he is a flight risk on top of his other high needs, if respite workers aren't keen to do his hours then it's very likely he is very hard work. When it's your own child you manage because you have no choice, but no one should take the sole care of a complex care needs child (and toddler too) if they aren't 100% as it simply wouldn't be safe.
The DM DOES do childcare, just not as often as OP would like.

That's so sad OP I'm 53 and have a 14yo so unless your Mum has health issues she has no excuse other than she doesn't want to help.

We has no GP around when DS was small (one set 5hrs drive away and not in good health and the other abroad) I was always irrationally jealous of those who had GP to babysit. We only had one by choice as we didn't think we could cope with 2 without some support

Assuming your DS has SN can you get some respite care? I admit this may be very naive of me as I'm sure it isn't that simple.

But his significant SEN is the reason she feels unable and/or unwilling to take on any childcare responsibility for him, grandchild or not.

ultimately yes, a child is the responsibility of the parents.

Sorry I’m going to go against the grain here and say your mum shouldn’t have to help with child care. She’s your mother not free childcare. If she’s in her 50s she may not have the energy for it. My parents have health issues and if I ever had kids I would never expect them to be responsible for childcare. You made the decision to have a child (not your mother) and they are your responsibility, (not your mothers). If she wants to help out that’s great, but she doesn’t have responsibility to. She’s raised her child (you) and now she wants to put her feet up and enjoy the later years of her life perusing her own interests and rightly so.

Frankly your child’s father needs to grow up and step up and be a father!

Yes she should help youbut she can't be arsed. I have children with severe needs so I get it. Try and see if you can get your hands on the respite budget. Advertise locally for a carer in one of those freebie magazines or newsletters. I found someone like this.

I don't think your being unreasonable at all and I wouldn't watch my DCs struggle like this!

Only suggestion is to go back to the GP see if there is an alternative medication or if his dose can go outside of the range to help.

Alternatively print up a flyer with details of what you need and leave it at the sen schools locally. Someone might want extra cash.

That is a lot of drip feeds OP. I'm starting to see it differently.

She lives 2 hours away and has 2 teens doing GCSE's. Even if she doesn't work and is well, practically that would be a challenge

Could your teen brother/ sister look after him for a few hours instead of your mum? 14/15 is an ok age to babysit for a bit…

Sorry but having children is a lifelong commitment. You don't get to wash your hands of them once they're 18. If you choose to have children, you're also choosing to have grandchildren.
A few hours once a month for an unemployed parent of teenagers is entirely reasonable imo.

Your mum sounds monumentally selfish, I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I'm not at all surprised to hear the shenanigans of the local authority with the respite either.
I'm assuming that you've tried sitting down & having more of a serious talk with your DM? If you've tried everything & she's not giving up any time for your hour of need I would just stop taking the time to visit, instead ask her to visit you? Let her make the effort.

If I was your mum I'd step in to help. Most would I'm afraid your DM is either unwilling or worried about not managing? I'm being very generous there, could be she's just plain selfish

I do get it as I’m a lone parent to 4 (father doesn’t see them at all) 2 have asd (one asd and adhd) my mum never helps me with my children ever but I also agree your anger is directed at the wrong person, I get what you said about him but it doesn’t sound like it’s serious enough that court wouldn’t allow him any contact with your children at all so I do think your anger should be at him, if he hadn’t have left you presumably would have still been with him surely as he left you? You didn’t leave him. You would have trusted him with your dc when you was in a relationship with him and had another dc with him just two years ago? What was he like as a father before he left?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. It’s so disappointing when family members don’t offer the support we would like or hope for. I have been there and really feel for you. I agree with the previous poster who suggested talking to her and seeing if you could reach a compromise: seeing what she thinks she could cope with and starting with that.

A child with the level of SN that the op's appears to have would not be suitable to be babysat by 14/15 year olds

@LisaJool the dm does not help. This is the whole point of the thread.
The op is not asking for much. To drive up once a month and have an hour or two to be her own self and walk around town or have a pedicure.
Tbh if i was her friend i would help her. So i would expect a fit and healthy mother to.
But life isnt fair. Op has been dealt a bad hand. Everyone always suggest to speak to someone when you cant cope etc.. But what then if you speak up and no one gives a s**t?! Even your own Mother?! Where do you turn to?

“Let her make the effort”?

The OP visits her mum every Saturday and is given dinner. So presumably, the mother/grandmother is cooking for her own 3 DC and her 2 grandchildren, every Saturday (happy to be corrected by OP on that).

That isn’t what I would call a selfish or uninvolved grandmother

Again, it’s the child’s father who needs pulling up, not the OP’s mum

Aside from the fact that not providing childcare isn’t the same thing as ‘washing your hands’, that’s not how it actually works though, is it? OP is an adult, her mother is not responsible for her, nor for the children she chose to have.