Relationship age gaps

[Flutterbybudget]

Not sure if it’s really an AIBU but do they matter? And what age gap is/ isn’t acceptable to you? Does it matter which partner is older?
So, for example, a 17 year old (F) dating a 27 year old (M)?. Or a 20 year old (F) dating a 29 (M)? Or a 30 (M) and a 47 (F)?
And does it matter how they know each other? Big age gap, but family friend? Was in a position of authority at “some” point - such as teacher/ boss/ instructor of some sort? Or not an age gap, but still in a position of authority? Such as boss or doctor?

Under 18 is bad . Anyone over that age are adults and whatever anyone's opinion is down to the adults involved.

Wouldn't be for me but each to their own.

Well, that was helpful. Thanks for your insight.

It's the younger age that matters.
Under 20 with a 10 yr gap? Nope. No grown adult wants to be with a teenager unless they are looking for someone to mold or simply can't relate to those their own age. A warning sign all on it's own.
No matter how 'mature' the teen thinks they are. It's predatory and it's purposeful. And a teen isn't going to know the difference no matter how much they protest it not to be true 🤷‍♀️

You can't judge by the numbers .

I met DH when I was 17, he was 28. So that might sound bad - and he was also the teacher in a work training school and I was one of the pupils - even worse, I hear people say . Position of power and all that. But he was actually living through a horribly sad time then, having just lost his beloved mum in an awful accident. I came along and in fact I was the strong one in the relationship, understanding that he was going through some really sad times and being there for him.

We've been married for 20 years, together 25 years. Never had an unhappy day. So no I don't think the numbers mean a thing - everyone's story is different.

Is it a huge warning sign, if the older partner can’t relate to people of their own age? Just genuinely less mature emotionally?

For me it’s not just about the age gap. Though, with the age gap it’s the age of the younger one, that mainly impacts it for me.

But also, does the older one always date much younger? People who are early 20s? My personal experience is that when someone (man or woman) only ever dates much younger it’s usually because they have to be in control and find people in early adulthood easier to manipulate and control.

There will be a zillion people coming on saying ohhh there is a 35 year age gap and I was 17 etc and we have been so happy. But 17 - come on NO. A 10 year age difference is huge at that stage of your life. And the poster above is right, why aren't they relating to people their own age?

What consenting adults do is up to them.

I would not be happy though, if my child was 18 or 19 and seeing someone 10 or more years older than them.

I do make judgments about the motives of the sort of middle aged man who gets into a relationship with someone much younger than him, I freely admit it.

This...

My first serious boyfriend at just 17...was 23... We ended up living together for a few years. ... I thought I was very mature (I wasn't...). Luckily, I realised there was no way I wanted to marry him (what he and his family was desperate for!)

The life stage gap was just too big. I jumped 6th form... He had been out of school, left home and working for 6 years. That made a HUGE difference.

I wasn't mature enough to realise a lot of the attraction for him was BECAUSE I was so young! (and malleable...) 🤢

Is it a huge warning sign, if the older partner can’t relate to people of their own age? Just genuinely less mature emotionally?

Absolutely it's a warning sign but perhaps 'can't relate' is not the right wording.

If an older partner is shunned by those his own age, perhaps because they see right through them, then they're going to look for someone who doesn't have the same life experience to know something isn't quite right

Agree with @CJsGoldfish .

At the other end of range, I've seen a few age gap relationships fall apart when the oldest partner hits 60+ and suddenly moves from middle to old age, and the younger partner goes off with someone their own age.

You absolutely can judge by the numbers.

A 28 yr old seeking 'comfort' from a 17 yr old? Right 🙄

Look, I'm glad you've never had an 'unhappy day', I really am, but you're not going to know the difference. Your view of what is 'normal' in a relationship was formed at 17 when someone in a position of power needed your 'comfort'.
At the end of the day, these stories are not so different 🤷‍♀️

I think each to their own after all same age relationships fail aswell .
I do agree it's unlikely to last if one party is teenage / very young but once both are over 30 it's fine , with the exception of a younger man with an older woman if he wants kids . But then he'd surely factor that in .

I think it should be illegal fir anyone over 21 to have sex with anyone under 18.

I also think it should be illegal for anyone over 30 to have sex with someone under 21 if they fall into a vulnerable category eg learning disability, autistic, homeless, care leaver, anyone they've been in a position of power with eg ex teacher, coach, boss or landlord.

I met a 43 year old woman when I was 28. We married and it lasted for 16 years. The failure of the relationship had nothing to do with the age gap.

Every relationship is different and needs to be judged on its own merits. Blanket statements help nobody.

At 18 I dated someone who used to be my teacher (kind of, he was support staff really and maybe covered a lesson for me once the entire time I was at school). I left at 16. He is 17 years older. I’m in my thirties now, we’re still friends. I don’t think we wanted different things (fairly casual), though he only referred to me as being his girlfriend once we broke up 😂

That’s weird. Pretty sure you were on the ‘alpha male’ thread talking about your exhusband and how he was an awful husband and father. And that you were no longer with him.

So you had 2 husbands?

I think it depends on the people involved and where they are act in terms of life experiences and emotional maturity.

The archetypal scenario is the 'older' man with the 'younger' woman. Let's say the age-gap is 10/12 years.
Now that's OK when they are 20/30 or 30/40 because the younger partner has the advantage of the chap being much further advanced in his career than the husbands of her peers. So she gets the big house, 2 cars, can afford designer clothes etc and has the luxury of not working.
When they get to 55/65 the older man is thinking of retirement while the younger women still has plenty of get-up-and-go.
At 65/75+ the older man is starting with health problems and in the years beyond that the younger woman becomes an unpaid carer.

I have some friends in their 70s who married 'older' men who now spend their time ferrying them to outpatients clinics/doctors appointments/collecting their medication (and making sure they take it) have had to have the house reorganised so they can sleep downstairs, dealing with incontinence etc etc.

You pays your money, as they say...

Typo "are" not "act",

I met DH when I was 17, he was 28. So that might sound bad - and he was also the teacher in a work training school and I was one of the pupils

That doesn't sound bad, it IS bad. Gross.

When I was 17 I was in a relationship with a 32 year old man. He absolutely worshipped me. Wanted to marry me and have babies. I wanted to go out and get pissed and party. I ghosted him in the end, because I was 17 and didn’t know how to be a mature person and end the relationship properly. I still feel really bad about it all. His family loved me too. His dad was not very happy about my age. I still think about him and hope he is well.
I met my husband when I was 26 and he was 34. Been married 3 years now and very happy.

I did have a friend that I distanced myself from when she very much set out to start seeing an 18 year old when she was 31.

She had a string of failed relationships and she told me she could 'mold' the perfect partner. He wasn't a mature 18 year old either, came across more like 16.

She'd have him doing jobs around the house and driving her and her young daughter everywhere, she said he'd do anything she told him as he loved the sex. He still lived at home with parents.

I found out later the relationship lasted about a year and the lad went off the rails with a drug issue, his family moved him away from her in the end. Awful.

I feel differently about this as I get older. Being the younger partner doesn’t bother me until I reach the age of the older partner - I’ve been 15 dating a 18yo, 18 dating a 25 yo, and 20 dating a 27yo. All seemed fine at the time but I would never have dated someone that much younger when I was that age.

Went the other way for a bit after that and was 33 dating a 26yo, which made me a bit uncomfortable too. I clearly just enjoy having shared cultural childhood experiences!