Relationship age gaps

[Flutterbybudget]

Not sure if it’s really an AIBU but do they matter? And what age gap is/ isn’t acceptable to you? Does it matter which partner is older?
So, for example, a 17 year old (F) dating a 27 year old (M)?. Or a 20 year old (F) dating a 29 (M)? Or a 30 (M) and a 47 (F)?
And does it matter how they know each other? Big age gap, but family friend? Was in a position of authority at “some” point - such as teacher/ boss/ instructor of some sort? Or not an age gap, but still in a position of authority? Such as boss or doctor?

15 years between dh and I. However we met when I was in my early 30s. I do think there can sometimes be a power dynamic in age gap relationships but generally when one person is in their teens/twenties and maybe a bit less worldly iyswim.

In our case it's never been an issue and I never even think about it, except when he talks about his crap taste in music 🙈

I was 17, he was 24.

Still together happy 15 years later.

My mum was 28 when she met my 18 year old dad. They met through their local church group and just happened to get along. They've been married more than 40 years so something must've been right. Fairly sure my mum wouldn't have been predatorial!

Or 'predatory' even.

So they would all be lying just because you say so? Ok then.

Well no but a lot of people are in dysfunctional relationships they see as completely normal because that’s what they grew up around, they aren’t necessarily “lying”.

I think we need to bare in mind that there are very different 17 year olds too. We look at our 17 year olds bed they are hopefully still childlike and acting their age.

By 17 I had been living on my own for 2 years, working full time and paying rent. I had a hard childhood and I was very much a grown up by 17. I never once felt intimidated, belittled or overpowered by the older man I was seeing. He still lived with his parents!

Ah, but on MN it is. Every single time, and commenters have no problem judging complete strangers' happy adult relationships based on a cast iron 'rule' about numbers .
Because many of them are very narrow-minded and can't imagine that people might be individuals. See: everyone over 70 is senile and will soon need full time care.

And most people living in dysfunctional relationships are close in age. Must be that, then.
OR it has zilch to do with age and everything to do with the shitty old patriarchy

Exactly. MN has shown, time and again, that people will normalise and accept the most unbelievably unhealthy relationship dynamics.

And then we have the ‘well, it worked for my parents/grandparents’. As if relationships have historically been equal and balanced and the historical setups didn’t leave anything to be desired. Society is moving away from the reflexive sexism of times gone past - we CARE about teenagers being groomed. 30 years ago, the concept didn’t even exist.

Large age gaps are rarer so that’s a silly point. My guess is more 35 year 18 year old relationships are weird and dysfunctional than two 18 year olds relationships are because most normal stable men in their thirties aren’t going to want to date a teenager.

Having a hard childhood doesn’t make you a ’grown up’. It doesn’t hasten the development of your frontal lobe or give you adult perspective. It just makes you a traumatised child.

This is a very valid point.

Some people in here won't let their 17 year old get the bus home from work. Others have joined the army.

You still have a 17 year olds brain it doesn’t matter how dysfunctional your childhood was. I moved in with my much older boyfriend at 18 and thought I was mature for my age but looking back I really wasn’t.

You must realise that the ‘shitty old patriarchy’ is the reason that the younger (generally also smaller, weaker and less financially stable) female partner and older male partner trope is so normalised? The reason why there are so many relationships of this kind abound?

From a moral perspective, I have no problem with people dating at ANY age as long as it is between two consenting adults of age. A 16 or 17-year-old with a 40-year-old, no problem morally. It IS weird though I wouldn't begrudge anyone doing it. I always want to know what is in it for both parties though. I find the idea of a sugar-baby to be gross, especially when there is a wealth factor involved. I would wonder why an older person would be with a younger person (i.e. what do they have in common? they are at totally different stages in life). I would also wonder why a younger person would want to be with a wrinkly old prune who has done all their living already.

That said, it works for some people.

I do think there is an issue re: gender though. If its 50-year-old man dating a 20-year-old woman, that seems to be a problem. But if it's a 50-year-old woman dating a guy in his early 20s, people don't seem to be half as judgmental.

So all in all, yes its a bit weird but I say live-and-let-live as long as people have the ability to consent.

I moved in with my much older boyfriend at 18 and thought I was mature for my age but looking back I really wasn’t.

You're not everybody though.
Some people mature much quicker than others.
Some people grow and develop whilst in their relationship.
Others are in relationships - familial or sexual - that hold them back from maturing healthily.

The poster says she's 63 and been with her DH 20 years in a different post and that her XH was awful, not sure how this 28 yo teacher fits in that she's still with. All a bit bizarre. Totally happy to not judge and listen to people's RL experiences. My DH is 13 yrs older than me, I was 25 and he was 38. A reacher/student under 18 is wrong in any circumstances.

Yes obviously it matters. An under 18 shouldn't be with anyone over 19 in my opinion. I'd call the police on a 27yo dating a 17yo.

I'm 27. That's disgusting. A 17yo is a young child to me!

After 25 I think people can do whatever they like. Early 20s I'd say 10 years is the max for an appropriate relationship. Preferably 5 or less.

This is bloody awful. I'd be heartbroken if you were my daughter. And my dad would have ripped your teacher a new one.

Just because you're still together, it doesn't make what happened 'right'

So much wrong with the dynamics of how you got together.

I'm guessing your home life wasn't a bed of roses.

Yes but most people who say they’re “mature for their age” are really not mature for their age, it’s a pretty obnoxious thing to say about yourself.

Why would you call the police?

what would they do?

there is no crime, you’d just be waiting time

Because people on mumsnet are nuts.

An adult of either gender who is over 26-27ish and interested in dating anyone in the 16-19 age bracket has something wrong with them.

Well adjusted adults do no date children. Full stop.

Still not a crime though is it.

Also many people date to shag, 16-20 year olds are often peak attractiveness.