Relationship age gaps

[Flutterbybudget]

Not sure if it’s really an AIBU but do they matter? And what age gap is/ isn’t acceptable to you? Does it matter which partner is older?
So, for example, a 17 year old (F) dating a 27 year old (M)?. Or a 20 year old (F) dating a 29 (M)? Or a 30 (M) and a 47 (F)?
And does it matter how they know each other? Big age gap, but family friend? Was in a position of authority at “some” point - such as teacher/ boss/ instructor of some sort? Or not an age gap, but still in a position of authority? Such as boss or doctor?

Maybe. More likey they're just being crazy though.

Why?

I absolutely did not. I was terribly gawky as a 16 year old. Had much more confidence by the time I reached 30.

I do believe the OP asked about age gaps in general, more in the context of how big an age gap is acceptable.

I was 18 when I met xp and he was 38. Everyone was quite rightly horrified, but being the stubborn and immature teen that I was I didn't listen. I moved in with him 2 weeks after meeting him.

I definitely looked younger than 18 when I met him and I was very inexperienced in life and sexually. He definitely took advantage of that.

I stayed with him for 10 years and had 3 kids with him. Why ? Partly because I knew no difference and partly because even though I hated being with him I wanted to prove everyone wrong, I don't really know.

It's only recently that I've come to realise that I was essentially groomed and then moulded into what he wanted. Makes me feel sick now .

The OP was actually about all age gaps

Why?

Because it's MN, home of the batshit post.

I think once you're an adult, it's mostly about life stages - with stuff like positions of power etc factored in as well.

So a 20 year old and a 30 year old (or a 20 and 35 year old) are likely to be at different stages in their life - one is at uni or not long since a teen, the 30 year old has potentially almost a decade in the working world, might own a house (less so these days!), might already have had a long-term relationship with cohabiting and the experience that brings, etc. That gap isn't necessarily bad but when the older, more experienced person uses that gap in experience against the younger person to control or coerce them, it becomes relevant. A 40 and a 50/55 year old are less likely to be so far apart in experience.

It's not as flat as 'all age gaps over about 4 years are weird', it's 'some age gaps create a power dynamic that can be damaging'.

I dated a 29 year old when I was 19, for about a year. I'm still dealing with the damage that did to my self esteem now - he owned a house, had a car, had a stable job. These are all things he'd use against me time and again to make me feel unworthy or like I should be trying hard to make him love me - "you're 19, what do you know?". Obviously it's not just age, he was an arsehole, but that age gap was a huge part in how he manipulated me.

I'm 48. DP is 30. Been together 3 years.

He's very emotionally mature, more so than older guys I've dated. I think I'm quite young at heart. I like to be active and he has the energy to keep up with me. He'll play tennis with my teenagers or run around with the dog. Most middle aged men I know are fat and lazy!

Obviously there's a power imbalance. He's currently at university so has limited income. I have a well paid professional career. But it's not an issue. We do things he can afford. We just booked a holiday and he's putting money aside each month for that. He's much better at budgeting than me.

The relationship might not last but, right now, we make each other happy. Im a great believer in living for the moment. Life is too short to worry about what the future holds.

@ilyx i wouldn’t waste your time sending links to show ( correctly) that under 17’s have high risk pregnancies.

I suspect @ApplePieFry and others commenting are very young.

anyone who thinks that 30 year olds are ancient -or in any way in decline -must be about 12! 😂

most people over 25 would rather watch paint dry than hang out with a 16 year old.

Assuming OP retires at 67 then the likelihood is he won't be around anyway

I think you misunderstand me. When the DP is 71 the OP will only be 43.