Relationship age gaps

[Flutterbybudget]

Not sure if it’s really an AIBU but do they matter? And what age gap is/ isn’t acceptable to you? Does it matter which partner is older?
So, for example, a 17 year old (F) dating a 27 year old (M)?. Or a 20 year old (F) dating a 29 (M)? Or a 30 (M) and a 47 (F)?
And does it matter how they know each other? Big age gap, but family friend? Was in a position of authority at “some” point - such as teacher/ boss/ instructor of some sort? Or not an age gap, but still in a position of authority? Such as boss or doctor?

There’s 12 years between me and my DH, we met when I was 24 while both travelling and working abroad. On paper it seems a big gap and that I was very young but we’ve been happily married for 6 years. We have common interests and life outlook it really works.

If I had met him at 21/22 I think it would have seemed a bit weird. the extra couple of years of independence and maturity made the difference for me.

Or maybe people could have stopped judging and she'd have been happy. Who knows? The acceptable age gap didn't work out though. It also sounds like there were issues. Funny that!

Either way. I just didn't see the point in derailing a thread over a troll hunt where it wasn't needed. But carry on!

Hang in. You detailed the thread by telling people to go search.

FFS so you think people shouldn’t judge a teacher shagging his student? Should have left them alone to get on with it?

No one said relationships without an age gap are automatically problem free or never toxic.

PP can post whatever fake story she wants. But when she tries to justify something that’s illegal and immoral, by using a fake story the I don’t mind calling bullshit.

I first met my now husband when I was 18 and he was 26. I was working in local pub part time and going to university. The attraction was there etc but aside from one amazing kiss when I was 21 nothing happened. I got my degree and moved away for work.
Fast forward 12 years I was back home in my home place and we bumped into each other again and attraction was still there.
We are very happy together and I love being married to him. We both reckon it wouldn’t of worked out had we dated when we were younger. We were at completely different stages in life with different goals/expectations.
There does seem to be a high incidence of controlling or abusive behaviour in relationships where one partner is a teenager and other is a good bit older. You really don’t know who you are are 18.

There were about 4 posts saying the same thing. I'm not sure why you're so angry, I just recommended a search.

I'm not going to get myself all wound up over a person who I don't know and says she's happy. If it were my child it would be a whole different story.

I do find it a bit eye brow raising if the man is a lot older than the woman,

Oops, it just seems a bit pervy! And you wonder do they have much in common and shared interests other than him wanting sex with her and spending lots of money on her, terrible to say I know but it's probably true.
If the woman is older then I don't have that same view.
When the younger person is under 24/25 and the other one is over 10 years older I think it's inappropriate!

The older you get the less it matters. There is 13 years between me and DP. I met him at 42, him 55. Not an issue. If it had been 20 and him 33, I'd find that wierd.

There’s 10 years between me and my partner but we met at 26 and 36, so it didn’t seem weird. 16 and 26 would have been.

Gosh the poster who as a 17 year old ghosted a 32 year old - you really really don’t need to feel bad about that!

My friends ex Dh actively looked for a much younger partner who went on to be high maintenance had tantrums and dumped him by text. He then looked to my friend for sympathy- and didn’t get it! Think her response was “well if you will date a millennial…”

Give over. Why are you making out I am angry?

I simply think it weird and creepy to lie to make out a teacher shagging a student is fine. It’s weird and creepy to make out you are proof it’s fine by making up a fake story. I also think it’s weird and creepy to believe that the only problem with that relationship was peoples judgements of it, like you do.

Why does that make me angry? Because I disagree with you that it’s perfectly fine for a teacher to shag his students?

Why would it be different if it was your child? You seem to believe that that this relationship would have been perfectly fine, if people hadn’t judged it. So, surely, it would be fine if it was your child.

As I said earlier, op also claims to have ‘first met’ the man she is with now, in her 50s. So even the claim of 25 years of bliss is made up.

A well adjusted 27 or 28 year old man would have no interest in a 17 year old girl.

I always wonder if teenage girls who were involved with older men see it differently when they get to that age themselves. At 17 it’s easy to convince yourself it’s because you’re mature and special but when you reach your twenties surely you see it for what it was.

I often wonder if people who ended up married to the man they met when they were 17 who happened to be nearby 30 at the time just don’t have a sense of what a normal power balance in a relationship is nor want to confront it as they may need to consider the fact they were essentially groomed

That's exactly how it is. And that is exactly why someone that much older seeks out a teenager. A lack of life experience ensures that they're not going to realise their 'blissfully happy' normal is only 'blissfully happy' because they've been molded to be just what the older partner wanted. And how flattering it must be for a child to think they've been chosen because of how 'mature' they are.
As long as the younger one never wises up..

It is weird.

When I was younger I had two relationships with older men. When I was 16 I was seeing a 21 year old. With hindsight it was definitely icky. I was still very much a child. He was controlling and thought that he could mould me into what he wanted. He also used to subtly put me down, even though looking back I was way out of his league.

When I was 20, I met a man 11 years older. He was divorced and had his own house that I was expected to move into but was made very clear was not mine. He used to mock my lack of cooking skills etc. I was an adult but still lived at home and hadn’t even been on holiday with a ‘boy’. He was also very controlling but he justified this as his wife cheated on him. I look back and think of spending a Christmas Day sat home with his dm while he went to the pub, and numerous Saturdays with him at the match but as soon as the season ended expecting me to drop
and plans I’d had because he was now free. Ditto Christmas. He used to say that the age gap didn’t matter as ‘no one even noticed’ that there was a gap if not told. Again, looking back it was bloody obvious as I really did look and act very young. I was also a bit in awe of him.

In the end I left him for my now dh (who made me realise just how messed up the relationship was) and we split after a year and a half. He was really nasty and made life very difficult for me. He kept a lot of my personal sentimental possessions and I genuinely have no fond memories of being with him as I can’t imagine what sort of man in his thirties thinks it’s appropriate to be with someone so much younger with so much less life experience. It’s really grim.

My dh and I are similar age and from the beginning our relationship was so much more equal. We were able to buy our first home together and make it our own - not just his. We have shared so many firsts together and had a wonderful life. Looking back I can’t believe what I used to put up with from the older ex. He didn’t want me to do anything without him but expected me to fit my life around him without him changing his routines in the slightest. I can’t help but think that this was why he wanted someone younger as it was clear that his ex didn’t do any of this.

I really regret both of the age gap relationships as I feel very much taken advantage of, but I appreciate that because of my own issues I allowed myself to get into these situations. But if anyone similar came sniffing around my dd I would make it my mission to get her away from them.

I meant to add I was 28 and he was 39 when we started going out, though I’d known him socially for a while before then.

It really doesn’t matter to me, but I posted this because of my kids. Both have a very similar and fairly significant age gap in their relationships (8-9 years). My daughter being the younger in her relationship. My son, being the older in his.
I wasn’t bothered in the slightest about my daughter - they have now been together 4 years. My son has just met his girlfriend, and it made me wonder how other people would view it.

It's not for me but I do think it should be down to individuals. That said those age differences where one is in a position of power or trust really does make me uncomfortable regardless of if it is legal (this is probably made worse by being a secondary/sixth form teacher tbf).

Society has been normalising predatory relationships for millennia. People don’t seem to understand that ‘well, I did it/had it done to me’ does not make these things okay.

Dating a much older man when you’re 16 isn’t fine just because it’s been normalised in your circles. It’s vile, disgusting, predatory behaviour that sets the younger - usually female - partner up for a life of inequity.

This.

MN is very tyrannical about this so you’ll get loads of ‘why does anyone want to date a young person when they’re older’ yada yada

once both are over 18 I don’t give a flying fig the age gap, neither do most irl

Not every relationship with an age gap is about someone being a predator or being disgusting.
Would you say that friends should also be the same age because otherwise it's vile and disgusting. Should I stop talking to people at work if they are not the same age as me? Should my daughter?
Some older people who go for younger ones are predators sadly but not all are the same.
My relationship with an older man was equal. No grooming involved. I'm with someone a bit younger than me now and I can see a lot of similarities between the relationships.
Just as I can't say every relationship with an age gap is equal, you can't really think that every relationship with an age gap is vile and involve grooming. It's not always the case.

You can speak to who you like. Pretending that condemning grown men for having sex with children is the same as saying all friends must be the same age is disingenuous, at best.

A much older man that ‘goes for’ a 16 year old is a predator. This is the example that you gave. There is no extenuating circumstance in which this is not the case. None. No matter how ‘mature’ the 16 year old thinks they are or the predator claims they are, they are a child. If a grown man is dating a child, he is grotesque.

I very much hope you don’t actually have a daughter. This thread is currently being filled by posters who had horrific experiences with older men as teenagers, and many of the situations were created by mothers with attitudes like yours: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4673471-whats-the-most-wildly-inappropriate-thing-to-ever-happen-to-you?page=1

Yeah he did a number on you making me think that you were the “strong one”, I’m 30 and a 17 year old is an absolute baby to me.

I doubt in real life many would care. Most of the posters saying it's wrong etc would not say it without their keyboards. My dh is older than me and he fits in well with my friendship group and I'm good with his. 20 years together with 3 children. About 1 person voiced his opinion and he apologised to my dh about 5 years into our relationship.

When I was 18 my boyfriend was 29, we were together for three years, lived together. I absolutely CRINGE when I look back on the relationship. First off he was an alcoholic, manipulative, ended up being abusive but as a 30 year old woman I wouldn’t of put up with 99% of the crap I did as an 18 year old but you’re so much easier to manipulate at that age. Yeah I’m not a fan.