To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

Given what you say about him now, if it’s true I don’t think they need to know. I don’t see how it’d affect them, especially as he wouldn’t be driving them anywhere. Nor does he drink. And I’d bet most people who had gone through what he has would be very cautious drivers now.
I can see how people would be understandably prejudiced against the family but it’s sad your dd would suffer, so I think that’s the main reason not to tell.
Also while 5 years isn’t long. I agree in terms of maturity from 17 to 21 it is.

@IAmAReader

It is obviously a tragedy either way but the teen who sadly died wasn't an innocent bystander out doing their shopping.

But he was innocent. It’s not a crime to be a passenger in a car, it’s a crime to drink drive.

Some really scummy attitudes on this thread.

It's really surprising to see so many posters trying to minimise drink driving. It's not the 1980s. Everyone I know has a zero tolerance policy towards drink drivers.

I agree, I am sure drink driving is sadly common as I'm sure drug driving must be too. We are Saturday night and I wonder how may cars on the road right now should not be there.
There's no minimising or defending it, it's intolerable. And it happens all the time.

It did in OP's Dp's case, It happened, there's no going back. He went to prison. He was very young, not an excuse but what is he supposed to do with the rest of his life? Disappear from society, kill himself, what? He has a child, who is no way responsible for this. They all need a chance to go through life now without being judged by people who may or may not be better persons.
Also the family of his victim might feel differently, and that's their right imo.
Everyone else should butt out and be grateful they never made a horrible choice with irreparable consequences.

Were they under 18 at the time because you can’t compare adult sentencing to children’s sentencing unless of course you want to go down the route of the US where you are sentencing children to a life time behind bars.

I agree, I am sure drink driving is sadly common as I'm sure drug driving must be too. We are Saturday night and I wonder how may cars on the road right now should not be there
There's no minimising or defending it, it's intolerable. And it happens all the time

The people who are minimising it, and even worse are finding a way to blame the poor dead child are imo drunk drivers. I can’t think of any other explanation as to why they’re so desperate to blame him. It’s absolutely revolting.

No I would not want my young DC in a house with a convicted criminal who’d served prison time for causing death or injury to someone else. No
matter that he was young and stupid and didn’t mean to steal a car and drive while drunk (not a teenage rite of passage IMO). He was still old enough to know better.

It would be different for me if it was his own car and he’d decided to drive home after a few drinks thinking he was alright so it was a down to impaired reflexes and he went into the back of something etc but he actually took someone else’s car and must have deliberately driven recklessly hence the longer prison sentence as 4 years is quite long for an under 18.. That’s a whole different type of mentality.

As for the posters saying his friend chose to get a car with him knowing he was drunk so it served him right 🤔You don’t know whether he was cajoled into the car by the driver saying he was OK (he was a child too) whether he asked him to stop as he was scared by the way he was driving (no one ever will) or what happened at all. All we know is that he ended.up dead and the driver didn’t. We don’t know if this was a long line of bad behaviour which obviously the OP is going to minimise as she has chosen to stay with him and he’s her DDs dad.

Obviously no one at the child’s school will know unless they are told as he is protected by anonymity due to his age at the time.

I probably wouldn’t offer up that info in the OP’s position until I’d made friendships with other parents and they knew you well enough to trust you and your DP.

They can make their own judgements on knowing you then. Unfortunately your DP’s crime is going to affect you and your DC, just the fact he’s got a criminal record will affect finances and going abroad. That’s for him to live with.

I’d be quite furious if my DC had a sleepover at your house and I didn’t know that there was a convicted criminal there I must say.

You did say some parents had already made judgements already without knowing his background, what does that mean?

Sadly, drink driving is still incredibly common. People are rightly horrified that a young man lost his life, as a result of your DPs actions, but I wonder if they feel the same way about ANYONE who got behind the wheel of a car while over the limit, as a teenager. Would they still be stigmatised in the same way? Because like it or not, your DP and his friend were tragically “unlucky” as compared to the teenager (or older person) who drank and drove and didn’t have an accident.

I see no reason why it is anyone else business, but sorry though I am to say it, I suspect that it will “get out” at some point. I’m not sure what the answer is, or how your DP feels about it. But maybe he could volunteer to speak at the local comp about how his actions that night have affected him, and his friends family. Or do something that shows how much he regrets what he did, but in a positive way.

Hand on heart, it wouldn’t affect the way I looked at your DP, or put me off having my own children be friends with your child. Providing, of course, that your DP isn’t seen to be out drinking and getting behind the wheel of a car in the future.

@Kennykenkencat

Oh I'm not comparing the sentence length, just that 5 years in prison doesn't always mean a crime is violent, horrific etc as the poster I was replying to seems to think 5 years in prison means she expects to be told about it from people she may socialize with.

Although I also know people who have committed adult violent crimes and served much less. The justice system is interesting eh?

OP I disagree, you are minimising.
However, your partner has served his sentence and I believe everyone should have a second chance.
I think you should consider moving away from the area you live and start afresh as a family in a place nobody knows you.
You sound committed to each other and your child and I wish you both well.

No. I wouldn't.

He didn’t serve 4 years, though, did he? The accident happened on his 17th birthday. Then you have the length of the court case, before sentencing. And he’s been out of prison for 2 years. Meaning that he probably served around 18 months, possibly 2 years.

If it happened on his 17th birthday, had he even had any driving lessons? Had he passed his test that day? Drunk driving in a stolen car when you can’t even drive is not a mistake!

@Imnothereforthegiggles At this point I believe it's wilful ignorance, they are deliberately ignoring the very important point you made and instead painting anyone who suggests reflecting on the context of him 'killing his friend' as ' stealth drink drivers' who are 'minimising his crimes'🙄

I don't know the full facts of the case, but if it comes out as the other teen in the car who died genuinely didn't know his friend had stolen the car/wasn't meant to be driving/wasn't drunk, okay I stand corrected but this is not the way it usually goes with teens involved in this kind of thing. They usually discuss it with their friends who often egg them on and join them in the full knowledge they're getting into a stolen car with a driver under the influence. Note - the friends who don't egg them on will not be getting into a car with them!

No.
Drink/drug driving happens all the time.
Minimising doesn't happen all the time. No one is minimising or saying it's ok to drink or take drugs and drive. Literally no one on this thread is saying that.

No, what's scummy is misrepresenting what happened in a tragic accident by mindlessly repeating 'he killed his best friend' without giving due consideration to the context @Meraas

I don't know about UK law on this matter, but in some American states you'd also be found guilty of a crime if you knowingly got into a car that was stolen with a driver you knew was under the influence. At the very least here in Britain there are moral implications of this - I personally would not have at any age got into a car with my friend who presumably had no licence, had no legal right to the car and most significantly was stinking of alcohol... because I'd have believed we were putting everyone on the road at risk.

OP's partner showed terrible judgement with fatal consequences but by the sounds of it his friend also made a poor decision to join him on this joyride, which is sad and understandable too because he too was only a teenage. So I am not saying this to condemn him, merely to point it out it's not quite the same as another teen out walking their dog and getting mowed over by this drunk young person. And it's definitely not the same as if in a moment of rage he turned on his friend and deliberately killed him.

And no, I'm not a drink driver or drink driver sympathiser. Unfortunately I don't even drive and I've been teetotal since I was about 18! For what's it worth I think drink driving should carry harsher penalties in terms of the jail sentences and driving bans but that doesn't change my opinion re. OP's partner.

My step brother was killed in a similar way so that colours my view of the situation. The person driving when my step brother died wanted to run off from the scene, another friend wouldn't let him. He also was laughing and joking around in court. A few posters have said about OPs partner having paid the price, how it will stay with him forever blah blah blah ... Just know that not all young drink drivers who kill people are remorseful and will forever remember the pain and suffering they've caused.

Obviously due to my own circumstances I would want to know. I wouldn't stop my child playing with yours but I wouldn't want my child anywhere near your partner, ever. I'd also steer clear of you because I'd feel you condoned his behaviour, I appreciate that probably isn't the case, I appreciate that your partner may be genuinely remorseful and I'd be judging you based on my own circumstances but I'm just being honest.

Kind of sad how many people are minimising drink driving and the consequences of it. It tore our family apart and it was 20 years ago now, each year we ask would he have been married now, would he have had kids, where would he be working, it never goes away. A couple of years in prison is an insult to families who have lost loved ones through drink driving.

Sorry I got that the wrong way around. Yes I would want to know.

So you moved in with him and his dad before you were together?

You fully immersed your daughter in his life before really knowing what he was like?

Sounds like a big mess and a lesson in how not to be a parent.

You are so kind. You are also terrifically tolerant, and way more than I would be in your situation.