To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

Busy bodies looking for something to gossip about! He isn’t a threat to the children so no they don’t need to know. Drunk driving, whilst really bad with extreme consequences, has no bearing on him being around children.

Omg this is getting beyond.
OP good luck, I wish you all the best, your little DD deserves no less than her friends with blameless, perfect parents, and beware of that 'friend' who really is a ghoul loving the gravity of what happened and your predicament, she will make sure people know.

@IAmAReader how on earth do you know it was a ‘tragic accident’? The driver stole a car, drunk drove on either the very first day he’d passed his test or had no licence at all. That’s no ‘accident’.

The OP hasn’t said what actually happened with the friend, she doesn’t know and wasn’t there. The driver could have been doing 100mph for all we know with his friend begging him to slow down. The friend was not in control, the driver was.

He did kill someone. That’s not something that can be dismissed as well he’s done his time, move on.

Read some crap on here but this tops the lot!

@Flutterbybudget he wouldn’t have served a full sentence though would he? So would probably have got double that.

I have known a few people who have done things in their youth they are not proud of and been sent to youth offenders institutions

In all cases they said it was the shock that straightened them out and set them on a better path.
Is no one allowed to forget stuff they are not proud of doing in their teenage years. Must they be reminded and avoided at all costs forever more. Must their children be punished as well.

As for the posters saying his friend chose to get a car with him knowing he was drunk so it served him right

I actually didn’t say “served him right” I was making the observation that he got into a stolen car knowing it was a stolen car

I followed it up with the fact that we need to instil confidence in our children. Try to get them to not be ruled by their emotions and instant gratification. Try to make them be more aware of situations that put them in danger and to walk away and encourage their friends to walk away as well.

What happens if your dc does the same.
No parent in the world can predict what their child’s teenage years are going to be like. You just have to hope you have put in enough that something sticks to keep them out of trouble and safe. Then hang on for the ride.

Why on earth are you bringing up some random States in USA?! You’re British and you’re pretending not to know the law in your own country and pretending you think it might also be a crime here, yet you know that in a couple of States in America the passenger could also get in trouble? What does that have to do with anything?! We aren’t the USA!!

In some States women are also jailed for having an abortion?! Shall we do that here too?! It’s so pathetic of you. So the passenger is almost as bad as the drunk driver because in a country thousands of miles away from us, not even on the same continent, in a few states within that country, a passenger can also get in trouble. Ridiculous.

You realise the prison system in the USA is extremely corrupt as certain states have for-profit prisons and that’s why those states have the most draconian prison sentences for minor non violent offences as well as locking up children as young as 13. It’s because the private prison companies bribe sorry I mean finance the politicians in those states. It’s a completely different system to any European country. If you’re going to compare us to another country at least pick a European one.

Agree. Nothing to do with so-called friend.

The point is, that even assuming that he only served half his initial sentence (and that’s not a given) 4 years is not a long sentence, as you stated , when he could have been given a significantly longer one.

I don’t know all the circumstances, only what we’ve been told by the OP but making stuff up doesn’t help anyone.

My big issue here is this will impact the dc now.and sadly will continue a cycle of behaviour for your poor dc.she will be the one who suffers if this is shared.
and the ongoing position that pushes her into won’t be good for her future.
you can say he doesn’t drive or drink.avoids those problems of lifts etc
dc is the innocent in all this but will be the one who suffers

OP, you’re getting opposing opinions on what you should do. I think that, likewise, if your DD’s friends’ parents knew, they could also fall either way. Another option would be to tell them, and see who shows mercy instead of judgment. In general terms, openness is a good way to find out who your real friends are

But the question is more about whether they have a right to know. I don’t think so. But what do you think, objectively? Put yourself in their shoes and see what you come up with.

And most of all you now want to protect the feelings and the wellbeing of your loved ones. Even though your partner did something terrible, it’s not as if he’s going to do it again. Should his life be adversely affected forever? I don’t think so. What good does that do?
And if the answer were yes, is it fair for your DD to be affected? No, in which case you should go your separate ways. Lots of difficult feelings with something like this, but this is the logic. I’m guessing your friend is talking from an emotional place but it doesn’t make anything better. It doesn’t help either of you to remain in contact in my opinion.

I would want to know if he was going to be in the presence of my child and definitely wouldn't want him driving my child anywhere.

You don’t have to share any information you don’t want to but personally I would not want my child spending any time around someone who had been imprisoned for causing the death of another person, regardless of the circumstances. Maybe that is unreasonable and unfair of me but that is how I would feel.

I can't believe the judgement on here. There is no need @xidol70080 for other parents/people to know about this.

Exactly this. Your 'friend' is wrong.

She purposely started that conversation just to get that dig in.

She's not a friend, OP.

Your friend is sitting on her high horse, your partner did something awful and served his time in prison.

If someone told me about a friends partners past I wold think they were a bit odd and sitting in judgement.

Many people have done awful things and is your friend going to start doing background checks on everyone she knows and their partners and making descions on who can see who ?

Id be concerned your friend might blab it all over with a question like that. Is she in a position to do so?

No, you should not tell anyone - it is your partners private business provided it is not directly related to a current safeguarding issue. What would say anyway - "hey Sally's mom, full disclosure - my husband killed a friend in a DUI a few years back" - oversharing and your daughter would be ostracized.

My daughter is five and I’m a very overprotective parent.
Even I don’t think I’d need to be told about this.

I was left with a disability due to an idiot driver that was presumed to be on something at the time of the accident. I wouldn't want my child near anyone that had killed someone. I'd also the judgment of anyone in a relationship with him.

Lots of 17 year old boys make stupid decisions. They are absolutely nowhere near an adult in terms of logic and reasoning. Your partner didn’t get in the car planning to kill his friend and his friend didn’t get in the car thinking he would lose his life. They just don’t think! At that age, quite a few of the boys I knew did similar things - drove pissed, one actually did the same as your partner, nicked his dads car whilst hammered and got arrested after crashing it. Very, very fortunately, no one was injured, but it could easily have been different. All those boys I knew have gone on to become decent men, hard working, good Dads and wouldn’t dream of behaving that way now.
You've chosen to be with him op, so I’m assuming he’s remorseful and has grown up a lot. It’s no one’s business, this woman isn’t your friend. It isn’t a safe guarding issue, but, as shown on here, you will probably always be judged.

Definitely no need to share on the first playdate, but be aware that the issue WILL come out at some point, and that it will be much easier for you all if you and your partner are in control of how you present the information than if you are perceived to have "hidden" it.

When this inevitably takes its turn as the latest topic gossip at the school gates, you will want a few mums on your side to say, 'yeah, I know, but he served his time, look at how he's changed, etc'. You'll also want them to be on your side to shield DD from any nastiness in the playground.

I would share gradually with fellow parents that you become close to. You choose how you will explain things, and you can share your complex point of view.

Agree with this. Your friend likely knows this would cause upset for your new friendships. He made a very stupid mistake and he was punished for it and I can't see any benefit in telling anyone now. I don't think she's a good friend tbh.

It’s not a case of being sanctimonious, it’s a reality of having previously worked for the police and having seen the impact of these situations on the families involved. The amount of people here saying that the friend chose to get in the car, as if that means his death is excusable. Of course the driver didn’t plan to kill his friend, the same way someone who hits someone once on a drunken night out never intended to kill them and in the sober light of day neither would behave like that but in both instances someone loses their life and the consequences due to sentencing guidelines are very different. The driver in this case was 17 so to even be given a custodial sentence at all makes me think it must’ve been a horrendous incident as I can think of two similar collisions in the recent past in the force I worked for where suspended sentences were given. He’s 21 now and if this post was rewritten with the driver being 21 rather than 17 the PP that are saying oh well he’s only young or we’ve all done something stupid would probably still say the same thing but regardless of age we need to make drink driving something that is shameful so that another person doesn’t take someone’s life. And as for those saying it wasn’t a violent act have never seen the aftermath of something like this, it might not have been a violent act but it would have been a violent death for this young man. My thoughts are for him and his family.

This 100%