To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

@ilyx "I’m 99% sure most of you are drunk drivers or have been in the past.... But I'm not self-righteous..."

No. Not in the slightest.

And what exactly is "that sort of family" ?

You must live in cloud cuckoo land. Many "normal stable" presenting people commit much much worse crimes and often undetected for longer due to being viewed as "normal stable " people.

This.
Your DD shouldn't have to suffer and be ostracised for something her father did. It might not compare with his victim's family pain and burden, but if he's a good guy he will carry remorse all his life. I can't see how being mean to you and his daughter helps anyone.
Do bear in mind that people could be very unkind to her and to you if it comes out, always be the 'main parent' at playdates, etc.

I’ll give my opinion before reading through the thread because I feel quite strongly about this.

I can’t see how much more a person could be punished for a youthful act of stupidity than causing the death of their friend. Legally he has paid the price & morally he will for the rest of his life.

If I were one of your DD’s friends parents I wouldn’t hold it against any of you or see it as a safeguarding issue.

I'm guessing that many here who are judging your DP harshly have still only have young children. Teens are children in law - and in life. Sensible ones exist... but they are not the rule.

I was thinking this too. It's only seeing my teens that makes me realise although they may be big they are still kids in lots of ways.

I also grew up very rurally where lots of teens drove as soon as they could and many grew up driving tractors or bangers on their parents land. Accidents happened, whether the teens were drunk or just being reckless. And yes some died. We were all just normal teens not yobs, we went on to university and professional jobs. I'm not saying it is right or anything I'm just saying it factually, it happened and still happens. Most are lucky and no one dies but some aren't.

Just because people believe in forgiveness doesn’t mean we don’t understand the gravity of the crime. I don’t drink at all and I definitely don’t condone drink driving, I just believe in the idea of forgiveness.

She's no friend. I'd cut all contact. If she did spread rumours I would neither confirm nor deny but think of a stock answer to close it down.

For posters saying this was murder there was no intent. Many many 16 year olds make bad decisions. The DP does deserve a second chance and rebuilding his life, being a responsible parent and member of society is, in my opinion, worth supporting.

Your 'friend' isn't being a friend at all. She has absolutely no idea how it feels to actually have a child and needs to keep her comments to herself.

Why would you tell people at school about something that happened years ago & isn't in any way relevant? If your DP was historically violent or had been to prison for eg child porn then she'd have a point. In this case, she's just being an arse.

I'd seriously think about distancing yourself from her.

Yes that’s my point. I’m sure her DP comes across as “normal and stable” but in my opinion isn’t and I’d want to know what I was dealing with.

I think drunk driving is (sadly) common and that’s why there are so many people defending and minimising this.

This will fall on deaf ears. None of the perfectly righteous will acknowledge this point.

Since the friend received the death penalty for his part in the crash, it seems wrong to imply he should take 100% of the blame. He paid for it, worse than the OP's OH.

@ilyx so do you go around asking every single "normal stable" person you know for a detailed history of their past? No, thought not.

No I don’t but I’d expect to be told if they’d served five years in prison

Why do you think that I am or have ever driven drunk just because I reasoned that if this came out it would really only affect op’s dd.

Massive difference in being a 30 year old who stole a car got drunk and killed a pedestrian than a teenager who stole his dads car after an argument and goes on a joyride with his friend where they both get drunk
The friend wasn’t forced into the car. He knew he was getting into a stolen car for a joy ride and alcohol was involved.

FWIW I don’t drink because even a liqueur chocolate has a massive affect on me.

I haven't replied to every single post you've made @ilyx. I've now responded to three. You're the most prolific poster on this thread with the most asinine take though.

Agreed. Apparently it’s now ‘righteous’ to blame the drink driver rather than the evil drink.

It’s not a crime to get into a car, it’s a crime to drink drive.

I don't see anyone defending or minimizing the actions of OPs DP here. I simply see posters showing a level of compassion and understanding for all parties involved. This was not a violent, deliberate and pre-meditated murder, it was an accident that came from a stupid decision made by two drunk 17-year-olds. The driver risked his own life just as much as risking the passenger, who from what we can gather, likely got in the car voluntarily. Teenagers crashing a car and killing themselves, or their friend, isn't actually all that uncommon sadly and the majority of the time the driver is sober!

It was a stupid, reckless decision that ended up with a tragic loss of life, that will also have altered the drives life forever. He has been punished in line with the law as the judge saw fit. He poses no risk to children, he does not drink, he does not drive.

This one is tricky. I think my answer depends on if he still drinks.

Why would it be your business though? You will likely know many people who have committed a crime in the past. Unless you actually vet every single person you know, you will never have a true or full idea of their past, criminal or otherwise.

I know someone who served almost the same length for fraud, it doesn't make them unfit to look after children or for it to be my business if I didn't know them, unless I was employing them.

OP has stated he does not drink or drive.

Why would you expect this? Do other people come up to you and say "hi@ilyx before we get to know each other further what mistakes have you made since early childhood? I would like to know just how harshly to judge you."

Why on earth would you expect to do this to another person or think that's a normal way to treat people? You take them as you find them and trust your gut instinct. If your instinct says they seem fine and trustworthy and genuine then their past shouldn't matter. If you get the opposite vibe then you act accordingly. Its real life not AA where you get an admission with an introduction.

And you're continuing to say that the young person who died was unknowing that ops partner shouldn't have been driving. He'd just turned 17. He shouldn't have been driving alcohol or not- so they did know they shouldn't have been in a car with him regardless of the drink factor.

This last bit- I was looking for someone to bring this up. It is obviously a tragedy either way but the teen who sadly died wasn't an innocent bystander out doing their shopping. From the details we have it would appear they were possibly also drinking too, and either way they knew their friend was drunk and going to drive a stolen car recklessly.So when people are saying he 'killed his best friend' this might be technically true but they should consider the context.

By the sounds of it both him and his friends were a risk to both themselves and everyone on the roads that day but it just happens that sadly his friend paid for it with his life.

I don't think everyone needs to know OP, but he should not be driving children around and he shouldn't be in sole charge of any children who come round for playdates.