To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

Actually this is scientific fact. The brain scans of 17 years old confirm that they are not completely developed enough to be able to understand long term consequences to their actions and make judgements based on that. It's one of the main reasons why the age of criminal culpability in the UK should be much higher than 11 years old. The friend still knew his mate was stealing a car and driving with no licence.

"Sorry but they have every right to know. I’d not want my kids being around that sort of family. I’m sure this guy is not completely normal and rational in every other area in his life if he behaves behaved that way 5 years ago I’m sure he’s was dysfunctional in many other ways. Normal, stable people do not behave that way. The parents should know about such a serious matter."

There fixed it for you.

At least OP you'll have a hell of a judgey person filter to make sure you know who you wouldn't want as your friends and can avoid them accordingly.

Crazy that he gets to live his life and watch his daughter grow up whilst someone else’s son and brother is in a grave because of him.

I hope you don’t live near the boy’s parents.

Actually this is scientific fact. The brain scans of 17 years old confirm that they are not completely developed enough to be able to understand long term consequences to their actions and make judgements based on that

Funny how most teenagers including myself knew not to steal my parents car and drive people around when blind drunk. My guess is you behaved similarly when you were younger?

I wonder how you would feel if it was your son that did the driving? What would you feel should happen? Locked up for life for something he did as a drunk 17 year old? My ds is nearly 16 and no where near an adult. He is still very much a kid in lots of ways. I can't see him doing something like that but I can't imagine if he did I would want to see him rot in prison for the rest of his life.

Quote from a comment above “Normal, stable people do not behave that way”

l have to disagree with this, as a teacher I have been to funerals where an accident has been caused by 17,18 years olds (male and female) losing control of a car. They came from good, stable homes and their families were distraught. As many people have commented the teenage brain is not fully mature at that age. If someone has served their time in prison then they deserve to be allowed to get on with their lives.

No definitely not he's not a violent offender or a risk to children. He has served his time and shown remorse. It wouldn't be fair on your daughter to have parents gossiping about her dad. She is being rediculous.

Where did I say the rest of his life?

But the sentence does seem short.

I don't think YABU to have not mentioned it after a couple of playdates and when the kids have only known each other for a few weeks. I do understand where your friend is coming from, but it's a conversation to have down the line if and when needed. If you're supervising all playdates and your partner isn't left alone with the children or driving with them, there's no immediate danger.

No I didn't, but at 30 odd I'm entitled to move on from mistakes I did make at 17 as are we all. I've also met plenty of people much older than 17 who drink and drive fully informed which for me is worse. I work with loads of young people who have done this as part of their social circle. And I'd also say I feel very lucky to have grown up in a stable home environment with parents who wanted to know where i was and what i was doing. Not all kids have that in their lives so they have to figure stuff out on their own. But well done you for being perfect enough to judge without any appreciation for context or life circumstances. You should teach the rest of us mere mortals how you do it.

I wonder how you’d feel if your son was the one killed by a drunk driver and the driver got a pathetic slap on the wrist?

What a ridiculous comment! Of course you don’t need to tell them! I’d let my children around him, he made a mistake when so young and paid a huge price, the poor guy. Nothing about his story is relevant to children or implies parents need to be warned! Good for him for rebuilding his life.

I'm sorry to point out but his friend also diced with death by getting in the car with him. He could have chosen not to and rang police. It was after all his dad's car.

Five years in prison is hardly a 'slap on the wrist' @ilyx

He might of had no idea how drunk his friend was! Not everyone who is drunk is stumbling about, slurring their words. We have no idea whether his friend even knew he’d been drinking or not. I got picked up by a drunk friend friend once and only realised about half way into the journey he was drunk. Let’s not smear the poor dead child.

I don’t know anything about my DCs’ parents’ history. Nothing. I take them as I find them. Mostly they’re fine and normal. Sometimes there’s just something, I don’t know what, and I keep a greater distance. I don’t feel the need to justify my actions, and I gently push DC in different directions.

Your DP has paid a price for his actions. Personally I don’t think it’s anywhere near long enough, but that’s what the criminal justice system decided so that’s that. It has fuck all to do with whether my DC could play with your DC. How could it? It’s none of my business.

HOWEVER, if your DP hasn’t repented and reflected on his actions and is still prone to recklessness or getting blind drunk at inappropriate times, well that does matter. I’d probably find out sooner or later. I don’t leave my kids in the sole presence of an adult I don’t know well enough, ever. So this would just be one I’d push my DC gently away from (if I heard or got those vibes). If he’s a totally reformed character, what difference does his past make? None.

Honestly if it was my sons best mate I would hope I would be understanding eventually. Obviously devasted, obviously heartbroken but I would hope very much that the accident didn't destroy 2 peoples lives. Like I said my friend died in similar circumstances except she was driving the car. She wasn't a bad person, just an idiot. I don't know if it's because I've personally been through a lot and haven't lived a very sheltered life but I can recognise that things aren't always black and white. If there was malice involved sure I would want them to suffer but imagine killing your best mate unintentionally?

I don't think anyone needs to know but I would not let him drive other peoples children as driving offence or drink alcohol if other peoples children present. He did not set out to harm his friend. He made a terrible mistake, is remorseful and will have learned from it.

I can't believe what a judgemental lot the vast majority of you appear to be! The guy killed his friend, he didn't do it on purpose, he was just young and foolish and under the influence of alcohol. The friend didn't have to get in the car, presumably he was either drunk too, or knew that the driver had been drinking, but still chose to get in the car. At 17, I bet most of the posters on here have got drunk at some point, and possibly even driven while being over the limit, but the difference is, that they didn't get caught, and they didn't kill anyone. They were just lucky! I'm intrigued to know how many of you get a criminal check done on the parents of your children's friends, before allowing the kids to go and play together? The chances are probably quite high that someone that you know, and probably like, has been in trouble with the police for something, but you just don't know about it.

YANBU

This ‘friend’ is a frenemy.

You don’t need to share information about your partner’s past - it is his private information to disclose at his will.

What a terrible thing it has been for all involved. He was clearly a dangerously reckless adolescent and it’s right that there was a severe consequence for the outcome of his behaviour. But nothing in your message indicates that he would be a safeguarding risk for children, and of course you will ALWAYS be supervising.

But you need to have a think about what you’ll say if you’re asked. Be authentic, sincere and responsible. Your partner deserved the consequence… you have a child together and you’ve decided to do your best… he’s been responsible since the child was born.. you keep a close eye on it… if there’s any recklessness again that will be it… he would never be actively present on play dates or ever left supervising the children… you want to protect your child’s friendships and will always be willing to accommodate play dates that feel the most comfortable…

I wouldn’t discriminate against a child because of the parent. I might prefer for them to play at mine, and probably wouldn’t want my child left in your partners care. I’d be open minded but looking for reassurance that you’re responsible. And I’d be giving your ‘friend’ a very wide birth if I found out from gossip - I’d judge her for sharing such private information, not you.

Please don’t feel ashamed about your choice. This is a very complicated situation. You’re showing a lot of maturity and intelligence. Have faith in yourself and trust your judgement. Those who are worthy of being in both your lives will understand. And dump the bullying frenemy ASAP.

Good luck with it! x

Ok the amount of people are defending this, I’m 99% sure most of you are drunk drivers or have been in the past. It is absolutely horrendous. There is no excuse for drunk driving. It’s such a disgusting, selfish and evil thing to do. Being against “drunk driving” does not make someone self righteous. OP’s husband is not the victim the poor boy who died is the victim.

I would definitely call your husband’s grave error of judgement a “‘mistake” due to his age at the time. He no longer drinks, he no longer drives, he’s lost a friend in the process, has to live with the guilt of having killed someone AND has spent time in prison. Your DP has been through a huge amount at a very young age, there’s absolutely nothing to say that any of this trauma or life experience makes him a worse parent or less capable of looking after a child or being around children.

'The poor dead child'

Boy who drives the cat = adult
Boy who was killed = child.

Well, glad to see how transparent that is. Frankly terrifying how p so many MNers are of the 'lock em up and throw away the key' persuasion.

They'll be lobbying to bring smacking back if we're not careful

Keep the secret but never let him drive her friends around. Then there is no come back if the parents ever do find out.

I'm guessing that many here who are judging your DP harshly have still only have young children. Teens are children in law - and in life. Sensible ones exist... but they are not the rule.

17 year olds are just not as mature as they look. Their impulse control is poor and their reaction to drink is often way greater than they (or anyone else) might expect.

This was not an accident perhaps - but it was a terrible tragedy.

Do you often see him showing off behind a wheel these days? Teens and twenties often think they are immortal in a car. You say he's no longer a drinker... I'm betting he isn't excited by speed either. It is likely that passengers are safer with your DP than with many of his peers.

I would imagine that he has learned a very hard lesson and has grown-up beyond his present years. He is likely to be the safest driver your DD's friends ever travel with.