To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

He doesn't have to tell anyone..I think it would be a very idea. You can see from this thread how judgmental people are. Nothing you have said sounds like he would be a threat to your dad's friends more than other dads. Don't let people guilt trip you into making your life unnecessarily harder. It wouldn't help anyone.

Don't let people guilt trip you into making your life unnecessarily harder. It wouldn't help anyone

Exactly.

"But I think he's a 21 year old boy who five mins ago was in prison for killing someone while drink driving in a stolen car. Excuse-fucking-me if he's not my first choice for being in sole charge of my young child."

A lot of 21 year old men think that they are immortal and don't consider risk. I'd say that the 21 year old who has witnessed his friend die after doing stupid shit, will certainly weigh up risk and know that a lapse in judgement can cause death (and injury). So I wouldn't rule him out.

He’s paid a high price for his recklessness.

There’s nothing wrong with learning, rehabilitating and moving on. I’m glad he’s working to improving his life and being a good father and partner. It’s the only positive outcome of this.

If you keep this as a secret then your dc will also need to keep the family secret.
I don't think that this is healthy for kids in the long term.
That doesn't mean you have to tell all and sundry. But at some point you will have to have a conversation about what she is to know and what she is to tell others.

Why would you until the child is in their teens or even later. What relevance is it?

Theres no need for her to know or keep any secret about it.

i would not want my DC anywhere near your DP.

He chose 4-5 years ago to get drunk, get in a car, and killed someone. He could have done far worse, but that is bad enough.

The lack of responsible decision making, your minimising it like it's many years ago and he's now a mature responsible member of society - no, he's a 21 year old who got drunk, crashed a car and killed someone, and now wants to play happy families.

I don't care if he's "rehabilitated" or not - the decisions he's made VERY recently cost someone their life.

There's no way in hell i'd let my child anywhere near him, the lack of judgement and minimising by the OP is astounding.

Show me consistent, adult, responsible decision making for 20+ years later, along with a genuine understanding of the implications of his actions, realy introspection, but no, it's far too big far too recently.

I am astounded by the posters here who think anything else. I would be livid if i found out my DC had been with this fool looking after DC's wellbeing.

If you aren't going to tell people then he needs to take a back seat, not take your dc to parties, not have other children to your home etc. you can choose the risks you take for your own child, but not for someone else's who doesn't have all the information.

It's not just the crime, it's the prison time as well.

Well having worked with dc for years I've observed that they tend to talk.
Often about things parents either wouldn't expect or really don't want them to.

Dad being in jail instead of with the family during early milestones is a thing. Either it is avoided, lied about or a child friendly version of the truth is told.

I wouldn't recommend waiting until the child is teen to tell them that their father killed someone.

It sounds as though quite a few people know what happened so there is a reasonable chance of dc overhearing something if it is just ignored for the next decade.

In the general discussion of who to tell what that is being held it seemed worth mentioning.

DD doesn't know about DP, she didn't ever ask where her dad was as she didn't know him, all she knew was me, her grandad (DP’s dad) and his partner so I didn't have to lie. She doesn't remember the time I took her to see him in prison as she was a baby so she only knows him from when she first met him at aged 2, she was shy the first time and wouldn't go to him which was understandable but she soon got comfortable with him and that's been that. DP has said he'll tell her when she's old enough to know so she doesn't make the same mistake as he did but that's a while yet, as we also don't know how to tell a 4 year old her dad caused the death of someone else in a way which wouldn't scare her or confuse her so we've not as there's also no need as she just sees him as her dad.

Also just saw this : He’s wrote to you from prison which possibly prevented you from properly moving on.

Writing to him didn't prevent me from moving on, whenever we wrote to each other he'd mainly just ask how DD was and i’d give him updates about her

Also to @ilyx no, it wasn't just DD that stopped him reoffending but DD was one of the reasons as he had another reason to want to be successful and not in and out of prison, he felt guilty over the death of his friend obviously but he also said he felt guilty for DD as he missed the first 2, nearly 3 years of her life.

It's not like he was jailed for sex offences or anything. It was one stupid and very tragic mistake made by a child. I would not judge him as being a danger to children on that basis, and so no, I do not think the parents of other children need to know.

So according to your well thought out load of rubbish, what do you predict could possibly happen during an in-house play date, that he has a drink then drives a car through the front door into the sitting room and crashes the car killing children!!! Unbelievable. Very scary to think it's unqualified members of the public like you attending jury service.

its that his crime speaks to his character and his judgement.

he was a joy rider who drunkenly killed someone.

does he have any sense of right and wrong. Will he assess risk in the way parents if a small child will expect? Does he associates with other joyriders, or criminals he met in prison?

juries are asked to take someone previous character into account. That is what is happening here. His character is the issue.

Lots of dramatic language around him killing someone. He caused the death by being the driver. His friend who died, also chose to steal a car and be a passenger, while his friend was drunk. If either had been alone, it might not have happened. It could have just as easily been the OP's partner who died. They were both culpriral, sadly one paid with his life, the other with his liberty.

OP, don't tell the child while still at primary, they won't be able to process it safely. Don't tell anyone else. I think that your friend is a bit pissed off that life is working out and wants to burst your bubble. Ditch her. There's a few on this thread who'd like to see your world come crashing down. Keep your focus on your immediate family and growing together.

It’s not dramatic language - it’s what happened. Someone was killed. He was driving. He killed his passenger.

i am shocked at the number of people on this thread minimising what happened.

we can’t just shrug our shoulder and say boys will be boys. We have to be outraged. This has to be appalling - there has to be shame attached to drunk driving and joyriding. It has to stop.

"We have to be outraged. This has to be appalling - there has to be shame attached to drunk driving and joyriding. It has to stop."

Ok @Stripedbag101 how much shame do we give someone who's made that poor choice 5 years ago, shown remorse, tried to turn their life around and now no longer drinks or drives. How should we shame them? What exactly would you suggest? And when exactly have they been shamed enough that they can go on with their lives? Or do we shame them endlessly forever? Make sure their job opportunities, mental health, families and prospects all suffer for the rest of their life until they die of old age? What exactly would you suggest?

there has to be shame attached to drunk driving and joyriding. It has to stop.

And he is ashamed. And he has reformed. The incident happened a quarter of his life ago and he seems to be rehabilitated, is working and stepping up to being a decent partner and a caring Dad.

I'm not sure what people want. For all the talk of rehabilitation, it seems that people would prefer that it didn''t happen, and that everyone get full life imprisonment or when they leave prison they should wear an 'EX-CON' tee shirt at all times so that we all know what they did.

What he did was terrible. If it was my child that died, of course I'd find it close to impossible to forgive him.
But our justice system sentenced him within the rules and guidance for his offence, he's come out of prison a changed person, and he should be allowed to continue that path. It's not down to the schooparent community to continue to punish him and his four year old child.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child

He was nearly an adult, but if you want to minimise by classing him as a child, then also say he killed a child.

I would want to know if my child was spending time with a man recently released from prison. Especially one convicted of a serious crime causing a death and spent his young adult years growing into a man in a prison environment. I would also be concerned with a woman who let that man back into her own daughters life so quickly and readily because she felt she had no other support.

Not saying I wouldnt let my dc be friends with their dd but I would want to know so it would be on my terms until I was comfortable with both the parents.

I would also be concerned with a woman who let that man back into her own daughters life

He's her father, FFS. And obviously no danger to her at all. OP would have no right or reason to keep him from her.

If you're still reading, OP, a lot of the responses on this thread deomnstrate the exact reason why you should not tell people about your DH's past. If the proportion of parents who wouldn't want their child having anything to do with you and your child is the same as it is on here, your DD's schools life will be miserable.

You'll be the subject of gossip from people you don't even know, and it will be to no purpose whatsoever. Please don't do this to your child.

Sorry, should have been clearer. Living together again so quickly with a child who grew into a man in prison. She had no idea how that experience would have impacted him. Obviously he should be allowed visitation, supervised initially.

Isn't it funny how a 17 year old in other threads, say about exams, work, paying board blah blah - is still very much a child in the eyes of MN'ers... but as soon as a crime is committed, particularly if they're male - they are an adult!

I can't see why anyone else needs to know - they are not employing him, they are not leaving their children to get into his car with him driving, they are not leaving their children in his care.

He doesn't drink or drive now. Exactly what risk does he pose as a direct result of his crime, which he has been punished for sufficiently in the eyes of the legal system?

Your friend is being malicious and I'd warn her strongly to shut her fucking trap or don't bother speaking to me again. She's not protecting anyone from anyone, she is shit stirring.

You can see how public hangings were so well attended.
He has been to prison and paid the penalty. He is now moving on and attempting a better life.
Isn’t that the whole point of our penal system?

I am simply responding to all the people who are dismissing what happened as a childhood mistake. Who are clearly implying that what happened doesn’t in any way speak to his character. It does.

yes he was punished - and while OP says he is sorry I have no idea if that is true or not.

a lot of people are very quick to say what happened wants a big deal. It has to be a big deal - becomes so many people are killed by these type of actions.

if we as a society say it’s okay let’s all move on then the deterrent isn’t there.

reckless acts which result in a loss of life have to be a Shadow over people’s lives. I have read articles about people who have committed these types of devastating crimes. One man killed his friend and he was left in a wheel chair. He travels round schools taking about the life long impacts of what he did. To show young people it isn’t a case of a year in prison then bang life starts again. He wants to stop young people joyriding and drunk driving brocade it is so devastating and the slate is never wiped clean.

sorry this is a huge personal issue for me. I am also entitled to my views and we should be able to debate issues without becoming personal and attacking each others characters.

I don't agree at all with reckless acts have to follow you around. Shame is an awful burden to carry. The New Zealand tribal restorative way is excellent at punishing and then integrating the person back into the tribe and has much lower rates of reoffending when done without the authorities involved. The UK reoffending rate is extremely high. Prison doesn't stop reoffending, it's there to keep the lynch mob type of people happy.

I don't even believe this young man shouldn't ever have another alcoholic drink. He's repented his mistake. He's gone to prison for his best friends life. He deserves to move on and not have this follow him around for the rest of his life. Shame doesn't equal good behaviour. Feeling bad about yourself leads to all kinds of issues.