To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

Is your friend just your friend or was she friends with the boy who died too? Her take on this would be different I think if she lost her friend due to your DP's actions.

Which was 5 years ago.

Lots of teenagers do dangerous things with it thinking of the consequences.
Unfortunately in this situation one of those teenagers doing a dangerous thing without thinking of the consequences died and that's beyond awful but it was also accidental and happened 5 years ago. At what point do we decide that something you did at 17, which you were punished for, which you have expressed remorse for no longer impacts you being seen as a responsible adult.
In another 5 years?
20?
Will he still be a, danger to kids when he's 47 because of what he did at 17?

And whilst his friend may have endured a violent death, he wasn't intentionally violent towards his friend. Its different to him hitting him and killing him.

don’t leave him unsupervised with any child other than your own
What specifically do people think will happen if he's hosting little Alphabet on a play date with Numero and OP Isn't there? That he'll get drunk and take them out for a ride? That 3 years in prison (I assume partly in Juvenile Detention?) has turned him into a criminal? That he'll let them play with knives and lick batteries because he made a stupid choice once?

If the OP's account is accurate, it sounds like he did something very stupid as a teenager that had devastating consequences, and has done his time. Prison isn't supposed to just be about punishment; it's supposed to be about rehabilitation.

According to the OP he doesn't drink anymore and he doesn't drive anymore, so he's taking active steps to avoid a situation where he could drink-drive again. If that's the whole truth, I think I'd regard it in the same way I'd regard a recovering alcoholic: if you have acknowledged you have a problem and you are actively fighting to tackle it each day, you deserve respect for that, and you don't deserve people picking at old wounds.

I think the age at which he committed the offence is also relevant - would he have made such a poor decision as a 20-something? As a 30-something?

Plenty of us did dumb things as teenagers; we were just lucky that those choices didn't have repercussions.

Personally, I think knowing you caused your best friend to die is punishment enough. He's going to wear that for the rest of his life, so as long as he continues to not drink alcohol, I don't think the OP needs to make a big disclosure about him.

"I’m not dyslexic, but many posters probably are so imagine using that as some kind of insult. Vile.

And are you thick?!" @ilyx you can see the irony of your statement here yeah? 🤣🤣🤣 'don't be ableist'- goes on to say something ableist

I have read the previous thread. My opinion hasn't changed.

It sounds like OP was initially horrified about the situation, who wouldn't be, but accepted her daughter had a father, who had rights to see her, who insisted she didn't come to see him in prison because he didn't want a child in that atmosphere. Who stole the car because his family life sounded a bit shit, and he was angry and unhappy, and I'm assuming here, that his friend knew what was going on in his life and went along for the ride, many of us have backed friends fucking ridiculous ideas, especially when drunk. It resulted in a tragic accident.

The DP pleaded GUILTY. Done his sentence. Has taken steps to change his life for the better, has gained employment with his conviction (his employers will likely know about it) and is a functioning member of society who simply wants to keep his life moving forwards with his partner and young daughter.

He killed someone, but it was not intentional. It wasn't murder. It wasn't a violent crime. He didn't try and hide his crime, or run from the scene.

Who stole the car because his family life sounded a bit shit,

But the OP has moved in with the partners father who would be responsible for the family life being shit.

I spoke to my DP about this to see what he would want us to do if it was ever a situation for DSD. We're both in agreement that it wouldn't affect any friendship she has because the children aren't in control of their parents actions. He said he'd be a bit nervous about any car lifts with your DP however, wouldn't have a problem if you picked up DSD providing we've built a relationship up. In our experience you'll find most parents still chaperone their own kids to and from places anyway so wouldn't be an issue until later on.

I don't think you need to go round informing people. I also don't think you need to respond back to this friend because whilst it was a tragic outcome from your DPs actions, this friend of yours seems keen to keep dragging him and you back to that moment for her own satisfaction. I wouldn't block her as I'd to want to know what she's blabbing off but I wouldn't be responding and leave her messages either in achieve on WhatsApp or no notification on iPhone texts.

focus on your family, on your daughters education and friendships and allow you all to positively move forward whilst still remembering/being mindful what happened which I'm sure you're all doing xx

What specifically do people think will happen if he's hosting little Alphabet on a play date with Numero and OP Isn't there? That he'll get drunk and take them out for a ride? That 3 years in prison (I assume partly in Juvenile Detention?) has turned him into a criminal? That he'll let them play with knives and lick batteries because he made a stupid choice once?

Equally what do you think would happen if you left two four year olds alone for a couple of hours without an adult? Probably nothing. But most people want a responsible adult to look after their child. A 21 year old who has just come out of prison wouldn’t be most peoples definition of a responsible adult in the cold reality of real life.

I think a lot of parents won’t leave their children alone with people they don’t know very well in any case. At that age would I drop a four year old off for an unsupervised play date at the home of parents I didn’t really know? No I wouldn’t.

in this case a man just out of prison? Absolutely not. Maybe when the kids are much older 1 when I have met with the man and chatted , when the drum wise maybe ten years or more in the past - possibly. So
soon after him demonstrating such catastrophically poor judgement - no.

no one is suggesting he will intentionally harm the children. But he is still young. And the decisions he made were so poor and so recent. Is he still friends with joy riders? Will they be in the house?

People are making this out to be a snobbish response or class based. But this young man demonstrated such poor judgment so recently - it seems crazy to assume he has done a 180 degree change in personality within four years.

I don’t know anyone who has been to prison - why would I introduce my young child to that world if I don’t have to?

My thoughts are, what would this friend have to gain from this if she was being unfair? Is it not more likely thats she’s concerned about you and your child?

Shes watched her friend be lied to and then be left alone to bring up a child because of his irresponsible actions. He’s wrote to you from prison which possibly prevented you from properly moving on. From her point of you, it could seem quite manipulative and as if he took advantage of you in lockdown, getting you to move in and getting you back, praying on your vulnerability, having no family.

Is it not possible she thinks he’s no good for you, his temper, his actions, possible manipulation.

Could it be you’re not seeing it because you crave a family unit for your child and would rather not be alone, it’s easier to just stay with him.

Maybe by suggesting you tell others, it’s to try to get you to get you to see the situation as it possibly is.

Is there any reason she would try so hard to cause trouble? I would genuinely be concerned for my friend and her child in your situation and whether you are with him for the right reasons and if he is really mature enough now to be a good partner and father.

I agree with PPs that this ‘friend’ is the opposite and is trying to stir up trouble for your family. Ignore her.

No need to tell school parents about your DP’s conviction. The only issue for me would be whether he is driving my child anywhere and he’s not, so it’s totally irrelevant.

No. But I think he's a 21 year old boy who five mins ago was in prison for killing someone while drink driving in a stolen car. Excuse-fucking-me if he's not my first choice for being in sole charge of my young child.

No. But I think he's a 21 year old boy who five mins ago was in prison for killing someone while drink driving in a stolen car. Excuse-fucking-me if he's not my first choice for being in sole charge of my young child.

Excuse fucking me , my first choice would not be a violent person or pedophile!

Your safeguarding needs work.

???

There is a huge story I am sure behind this. The poster asked if she should tell school gate mums about her DP. The overwhelming consensus is she doesn't need to. She is 21 and she will live a lifetime with the knowledge her child's father killed his friend. This act has far reaching impact. The shame must be immense.
My brothers best friend was killed 20+ years ago by a 92 year old. She had been told to surrender her licence. She didn't. She received a suspended sentence. My brother has never got over it.
I think she will need all the support she can get.

You realise you can say no to the violent, the paedophiles AND the juvenile killers , right? It's not an either or situation.

No. But I think he's a 21 year old boy who five mins ago was in prison for killing someone while drink driving in a stolen car. Excuse-fucking-me if he's not my first choice for being in sole charge of my young child.

Are you okay? If you read my post that’s pretty much exactly what I said.

For the poster saying he has little to no qualifications, he has his GCSEs and he did a course in prison which has helped him get the job he does, it isn't the most high-paying job but its fine and it has options for a more high paying job in the future.

He now has a good relationship with his dad & partner and we see them regularly, his dad likes to keep an eye on him which I don't mind about as DD likes seeing him.

He didn't manipulate me to move in with his during lockdown, I struggled with not much support during the first one so I moved in with him and we did have small issues at first but when they started to bond with each other properly it was fine, and it has been fine since then. He doesn't have a temper, and has said from the start he doesn't want arguments to turn into a shouting match as he grew up like that and doesn't want that for DD but we don't argue very often anyway.

I've spoken to him more and he said he doesn't want them to know but if he ‘has’ to tell them he will in the new year as next month is the 5th anniversary and he doesn't want to be judged before then and DD has a few birthday parties so he doesn't want her to be uninvited.

I really wouldnt advise speaking to people about this.

Has he been assessed by his probation officer as being a risk to children from this offence? I would be amazed if he has

If not, then its his private business. You can see how people knee jerk on here and even talk about 'safeguarding' as if him supervising children eating some sandwiches after tea is going to present risk of harm to them.

You are wrong. I don't drink and drive. In fact I barely drink at all these days. I don't let dh or any friend drink and drive either when I'm around.

But, I know plenty of people who do drink and drive. People much older than op's husband. It's very common. In fact op's husband might be safer than any of these people because of his traumatic past

I also know enough about developmental neuroscience to know that at 17 your decision making is not the same as that of someone who is older. Your brain hasn't full developed yet. also impulsivity is very high at this age.

Don't get me wrong if my child had been killed I might be baying for blood as well but that has got nothing to do with justice e or safe guarding other children. Let's be honest.

Further I believe in rehabilitation. I'd like to think that this young man might have learnt his lesson and will try hard not to repeat it. It must have been a terrible shock to him. The guilt must be terrible.

I'd like to live in a society where people can forgive and be forgiven. I don't like to live in the world that most of you are painting, where'd you'd like to see a young man hang (figuratively ... I hope) for a terrible mistake he made as a child.

We either believe in rehabilitation or we don't. If you don't then what do we do with teenagers that commit crimes? Are they not entitled, after punishment to build a life? Both teen boys made a stupid decision and unfortunately one of them died. It wasn't akin to mu

It wasn't akin to murder and he doesn't have to go public.

I agree. I can't see how him telling people will help. I also can't imagine how on earth it would get brought up.

Telling people will result in a problem for your daughter more than anyone else. It's not fair to do that.
I'd people do find out some other way, then you or he simply say "yes, it's true. I/he did something very stupid which ended tragically. He's/I'm a very different person now having served the sentence and begun a new and straight life that doesn't involve drink or dishonesty"

Your daughter is the important one here. There will be other parents at the school with criminal records, yet they're not going around deliberately telling people.