To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

No I’m not dyslexic, but many posters probably are so imagine using that as some kind of insult. Vile.

And are you thick?! It’s called reading between the lines. She said “DD has also probably helped him in a way so he didn't reoffend etc.” Why would he reoffend without his daughter if he was completely rehabilitated?! It’s such an obvious point I’m sorry I have to spell it out to you.

Sorry? Is that to me? Which two sentences?

@ilyx people who have no hope, no future, no job, no reason to strive for a better life...... are a lot more likely to reoffend.

Educate yourself!

I’ve just skimmed the replies as I'm cooking dinner, will read them and reply properly later.

But I just want to come on here and say at the time of posting my previous thread (which was on a now deactivated account so I can't find it) he hadn't had counselling, he now has. He didn't really ‘plan’ it, he told me a few hours before he did it that he was going to steal the car, I told him not to as he would've gotten into trouble with his dad, at this time if he had been drinking at that time I didn't know but he told me he wouldn't, then I don't know what happened from then until I found out he’d been arrested. But he certainly didn't plan that his best friend would die.

Having teenagers is a bit of a nightmare. Many many teenagers will have done potentially disastrous things but they were lucky. He didn't get away with it but he has taken his punishment and turned his life around. I wouldn't condemn him.

I'm pretty sure his biggest punishment is living with the knowledge of what he did to his friend.

I'd dump the "friend" as she isn't good for you.

@LostAmongstLife are you a counsellor touting for business or what

Unless he had counselling, he's a lost cause!

I wasted ££££££ with a counsellor, she was shit!

So you want a tick ✅ box exercise, I've had counselling, I'm cured!

Yeah right

Exactly!

A lot of teenagers would be saying, there but for the grace of god!

Oh yes sorry. It was meant to say

Yes, because he can’t afford to. Probably NOT because he’s so remorseful like a pp was insinuating.

OP has now been back and confirmed what I’ve said so here’s the link to the previous thread,

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4116762-am-i-in-the-wrong?page=1

Thanks for posting that @LostAmongstLife shoes that he's remorseful, stopped drinking, apologised etc.

Your obsession with he must have counselling, is very concerning.

A tick box exercise, of I've had counselling is frightening, that you think that makes it all ok.

Carry on OP, you're doing fine.

I agree. I would want to know if my child was spending time in the home of someone who had been to prison for causing death by dangerous driving.

And I can't say I'd ever allow my child to be in a car with him.

Ditch the friend. Of course parents of playdates dont have to know,, are not entitled to know and given the offence it makes no difference for them to know.

The friend is definitely one of those pearl clutchers on this forum though that anyone with any criminal past of any type are evil through and through and shouldnt be near children.

It’s not just counselling. There are many things that prisoners should be and are offered to help with rehabilitation, counselling is a part of that. Counselling along with other interventions are there to them to deal with their crime and to be able to go back into the real world as it’s not the easiest thing to adjust to after prison life.

In the case of what happened in our family, the drink driver asked for permission to write a letter to my relatives wife and to the rider family. That was suggested to him by a prison psychologist as part of his rehabilitation,

wider family

But it is disproportionate that a) they will be caught, b) they will be sentenced and c) they'll be exposed to the culture and peer pressure of joyriding from an earlier age. For example this is super common behaviour for young people in care and I would also describe some of the kids I work with as almost passively suicidal. They hold themselves with such little value because noone ever has held them otherwise and they have very poor resilience as a result. Being poor in itself has nothing to do with it but being vulnerable as a result of poverty is a scale. I know plenty of young people who did partake in joyriding who just needed a steer away from that lifestyle and now run their own businesses and are really successful. Just because you grew up in a troubled estate doesn't mean everyone had the same experience of growing up there.

@LostAmongstLife but he has now had counselling if that seems to be your problem with him?

OP it sounds like over the last year or so you've been back with him he has made strides to prove himself and let his actions follow his words.

@LostAmongstLife but you have got to admit, that he seems to be adjusting, he's parenting, got his own place, in a relationship?

So what's your problem?

It's all about counselling from what I can see!

Which is bat shit crazy!

@LostAmongstLife you actually seem to be arguing with yourself!

I'd cut the friend off as you have suggested you might. What he did was awful but it wasn't malicious. So long as DP is no longer drinking and driving and if driving now adheres to the law I'd let my kids over yours and would not feel the need to know. There are some things people do that yes I would want to know (sexual, violence, drug related for example) and some that are mistakes made. I don't want to down play it but it sounds like you have had ample time to judge his rehabilitation and decide if he has genuinely learned.

I also don't know how you would even go about telling people that. Bit much for WhatsApp and not really the sort of thing you slip in during school drop off. It just seems a lot that will lead to more conversations and questions and my biggest worry is the effect that will have on DD if she is treated differently or picks up on it all.

That all said I am not sure friend won't find a way of making sure things "accidentally" come out as she does not seem happy...

In this case if my child was ever going to be given a lift with yours and he was driving or left alone yes I would want to know

however if your situation I would seriously consider him taking your surname if you did marry and moving away from the area

otherwise your daughter would grow up in the shadow of it

@Teateaandmoretea I think it's about having a bit of grace and accepting that someone has learnt their lesson. There are other things I'd be more concerned about when considering who my dc was around and for me the lines would be anyone with an active addiction who is using or is very recently sober, anyone who is domestically abusive, anyone who has committed sexual offences or offences against children in the past or violent offences (while this was a violent death I wouldn't class it as a violent offence as there was no intent to harm). I also accept that there won't always be a criminal history to go on because maybe they're a perpetrator who just hasn't been caught before. All you can go is take people as you find them and trust your gut instinct on who you feel is safe. Rap sheets aren't everything. I've worked with young people before where at point of referral you're reading through their background thinking my gosh this is going to be full on, and then the young person is so lovely and so determined to move on from their past. Then you get others who have hardly any history to go on but end up being really challenging. Everyone is different.