To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

👏

All this is true, he offended, he was arrested, charged and given a sentence, he served it, he is remorseful.

He cannot do any more.

Prisoners need to rehabilitate, otherwise they reoffend.

This is a charity who helps with this.

theclinkcharity.org

I've been to one of their restaurants, it's marvellous.

How do you know all this?

You don't!

I think that since his crime wasn't an act on children, was a careless young decision, and isn't likely to be repeated, no. I know it would skew my opinion of him and I'm not sure that's fair.

That said...people tend to find things out, so be prepared. And because I was shocked, a friend's husband passed away and I googled to find his obituary....turns out he was an Iraqi war criminal. Was always a super nice guy...but I'll never think of him the same again.

His best friend didn’t “sadly die”, he was killed by your drunk DP, only a few years ago.

I agree with a PP, if you don’t want to tell anyone then don’t have play dates at your home, don’t have him driving anyone else’s children around other than your own, and don’t leave him unsupervised with any child other than your own.

I agree with this, I’m afraid

Especially don’t have any other children in the car with him, whilst their parents are unaware. I’m assuming his still banned though?

Bit late to this but it wouldn't bother me as a parent. It's not a safeguarding risk and there's no suggestion he's unsafe around children at a playdate so I don't think there's any need for anyone else to know. It wouldn't stop me allowing my child round even if I did know.

Your partner chose to steal his fathers car. He planned it. He thought about it, he talked about it. He was told not to do it by you. He told you he wouldn’t. You were carrying his child. He did it anyway because he thought it would be funny. He did his time in prison, had no counselling, came out of prison and you wanted to get back with him, a man who can’t possibly have been rehabilitated, because he’d had no counselling so hadn’t talked about it with professionals.

Are you the 'friend' @LostAmongstLife ? Because you seem to 'know' an awful lot of detail if you're not.

OP has posted about this before. Everything I stated was from what she has detailed before.

So DFOD

HTH

No, but I’ve read OPs previous thread.

I'd guess most posters who feel strongly about this grew up in exactly the sort of places where there were lots of drug and alcohol problems; families with chaotic lifestyles and gang involvement. I know I did.
But the teens who did drink; who took cars; or who took drugs; got into trouble with the police; and caused the deaths of others (it wasn't through drink driving in the case in our area) - those incidents didn't happen in isolation.
Is society failing those families and teens? Yy. Is there a lack of addiction support? Yy. Is there a dearth of MH provision? Yy. Is there a lack of support for young offenders post release? Yy.
Would I talk to those former classmates in the street? Would I check in with their families to see how they were getting on? Help them access as much support as possible? YY, of course I would, and have.
Would I trust them to babysit my DCs two years post release? Don't be stupid.

You're talking rubbish about the insurance cost, if you're going to make such a bold statement, at least research it and don't base your answer in what you want to happen, rather than what actually happens.

www.comparethemarket.com/car-insurance/content/drink-driving-laws-and-insurance/?amp

DD has also probably helped him in a way so he didn't reoffend etc.

What?!!! Sorry but is such a red flag 🚩 the only reasons he’s not out there reoffending is because of his daughter?! Why would he want to reoffend??

*OP has posted about this before. Everything I stated was from what she has detailed before.

So DFOD

HTH*

What an articulate argument... not!

What am I meant to be reading here? The fact that insurance premiums increase with a drink drive conviction?

Regardless, if you think a 21 year old not long out of prison with likely few to no qualifications can afford to drive, you’re wrong.

What? I’m just stating facts.

@LostAmongstLife but they're affording their own home?

Don't be so vile that people with "few to no qualifications" can't live independently or drive.

Plenty of unqualified people that can earn decent money and survive.

So, you think the whole of society won't be able to drive without qualifications, because they can't afford it?

Post people
Taxi drivers
Retail workers

The OP might be qualified?

Don't be so damn ignorant!

Yes, because he can’t afford to. Probably because he’s so remorseful like a pp was insinuating.

I would not be at all happy with any child of mine being around your partner. I might be going against the grain here but I’m totally with your friend and I could not bare to be with such an idiot as your partner.

@LostAmongstLife you may not like the fact that the OPs DP had been rehabilitated, but he has.

It's excellent IMO.

Much better than him coming out of prison, nothing to strive for, just bleak.

Therefore returning to former ways.

Are we allowed to link posts for things like this, I don’t really want to risk losing my account.

@MNHQ Can we link an old thread in this case or is that against guidelines?

But how? By mixing with other prisoners and having no counselling?

@LostAmongstLife you do not know they can't afford it! You've no knowledge of their finances!

You may want them to be paupers, but they au not be!

They're affording their own home.

Stop being so nasty!