To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

The boys were risking everyone else on the roads lives. The boys who willingly got in the cars with them were complicit in this risk.

@ilyx that's not actually true. If you are in the UK and you knowingly enter a stolen car with someone who does not have a licence to drive you can be charged as an accessory to the crime of car theft and of allowing yourself to be transported in a stolen vehicle. The driver will be responsible for the driving side in terms of dangerous driving/driving under the influence but the passenger doesn't get off scot free either if they were found to be aware that they were going on a joyride in a stolen car which in this case the passenger clearly was. You are also held liable if you know a crime is being committed and you do nothing to stop it/ don't report it. This isn't victim blaming it's just fact and it's in place to try and put people off just jumping in the car for a joyride and thinking nothing of it.

I wouldnt have any issue with my childrens friends dad being an ex offender, unless it was sexual or violent offence against women or children.
That said, I wouldnt have been so quick to let him back into my life as a partner either, but thats beside the point.

There's no safeguarding issue. He's paid his debt. It was a stupid misjudgment with catastrophic consequences. The law deemed him a child at the time, because technically he was.

It's a horrendous thing to have happened but he owes it to the friend that died to live his best life and be wiser for this.

Mute your friend. You don't need this on top of trying to get through life.

This is a an extreme crime - and despite what some on here argue that level of criminality is alien to most people.

He was drunk driving. I don't personally know anyone that would have even one drink and drive but to describe drink driving as an 'extreme crime' is a bit much? I can very much imagine a 17 year old thinking that they are fine to drive, it was only a few drinks, I feel grand, let's go have fun. Accidents happen around where I live all the time, I can hear young 'boy racers' charging up and down the country roads, doing donuts etc very regularly. Thankfully it's rare enough that someone dies but the number of cars that end up in ditches or stuck in stone walls I can't imagine anyone here would find it alien if someone died in one of those accidents.

How likely is he to get pissed and drive dd and her friends around? Does he even still drink? If so, you need to be up front with dd's friends' parents about it. If not, I don't think they need to know.

If you don't think stealing a car, drink driving and killing someone is extreme, I wonder what you think is.

Stop trying to pretend this is some kind of normal teenage mistake. I have teens, the mistakes they make are forgetting to feed the cat or leaving a book in their locker they need for homework. NOT killing their friends while drunk and driving a stolen car, and leaving a pregnant teenage girlfriend behind to go to prison!

He stole a car (albeit from his dad), he drove drunk: I assume without a license and he killed someone.

I think that is extreme. The death of his friend was the direct result of his crime. How is that not extreme?

OP had already said that he doesn't drive, and he doesn't touch alcohol.

That in itself demonstrates to me that he's turned his life around.

I don't see why anyone is bothering to condemn the crime. The person in question was tried, convicted and imprisoned, rightly so. You don't know more than the CPS and the judge on this case.

All those saying that OP's dp is not fit to look after children... what about parents with points for speeding. Or driving without due care and attention. Or who had their licenses suspended for drink driving. All these were equally likely to result in a death. They just didn't on the day.

Do you deserve to know everyone's full driving record before you send your dc over for 2 hours of boardgames and baked beans for tea.

You are being ridiculous.

We all have our own opinions on things.

we all make judgements regarding safety based on what we know about someone.

if all I knew about a couple is they are 21, the dad is recently released from prison for a crime that resulted in the death of another teen then yes I would worry about their general judgement and lifestyle and I would pause before leaving my four year old in their exclusive care.

I don’t think that makes me a bad person. As I got to know them better the judgement may well change. But if that’s all the information I had then I would be initially hesitant.

5 years for drunken driving....should have been a damn sight longer.

In answer to the question, no, don't mention it unless you have to. It may well come out in the open anyway.

And go NC with your friend.

It is no one elses business - and the vile judgy sanctimonious types on this thread illustrate exactly why it is better not to tell anyone.

The people you are calling this aren't vile, judgy or sanctimonious, they havent killed someone. The OP partner has killing someone is pretty damn vile.

I do wonder what world's people live in when they call this a teenage mistake, this isn't what normal people do if this is acceptable behaviour for you, you need to look at your life choices, by saying it is a silly mistake you are normalising this.

This is why you are not entitled to know. There is no legal or ethical need for him to disclose it.

For me, it was a world where the councillors and police officers were complicit or taking part in the sexual abuse of girls in my class at school.
Where many kids in my class had been putting themselves and their younger siblings to bed from the age of 7 while their parents drank themselves into a stupor at the pub.
I could go on.

You have no clue how deprivation can affect children and make them believe they have nothing to lose and no reason to think of others.

Stop being sanctimonious.

Stop being sanctimonious.

It's amazing how us who don't commit crimes are getting called worse names than people who do.

It's a choice to drink and get in a car and kill someone ,a choice stop minimising killers.

Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.
Does this mean they've decided they don't like him without knowing? Or they like him but don't know? If it's the first I'd be wary, he did what he did and now people are picking up that he's not a good person despite not knowing about it. However if they like him and he's quit drinking, done his time and changed then I agree with him - why should dd be potentially punished because of his past behaviour.

No, there’s no legal need for him to disclose it, but in the same way that a Reception classmate of DS’s father explained that he had epilepsy, but it was well-controlled by drugs, he hadn’t had a seizure in X years, didn’t drive etc and various other things, it shows good judgement from one parent to another to explain any circumstances that might impact on my decision to allow my 4 year old to be in his care for a play date.

I am so sorry that you experienced this. There is a lot of evil and suffering in the world.

however that doesn’t excuse what OP’s partner did. It is horrendous that children grown up in poverty and in cycles of abuse.

but pointing to worse things doesn’t make stealing a car, driving drunk and killing someone okay.

some in Thai thread have almost flipped it to make this 21 year old man a saint who made one silly mistake. Yet people who are expressing reservations about him are called horrendous names. I find this very odd.

yes there may be sections of society were the crimes of joyriding and death by dangerous driving are not considered a big deal. I wouldn’t want my children exposed to those views.

Where

I do wonder what world's people live in when they call this a teenage mistake, this isn't what normal people do if this is acceptable behaviour for you, you need to look at your life choices, by saying it is a silly mistake you are normalising this.

What do you think my life choices are exactly? I have never driven, I have a disability that means I can't. I don't drink or do drugs. I work hard running my own business. I'm quiet and polite. My idea of a good time is pruning my roses and harvesting my veg. My teens are high achievers who go to foreign language book clubs for fun and go get iced coffees with their friends. Which one of those life choices do I have to look at?

You don't have to live other peoples lives to be sympathetic to them.

Do you know what sanctimonious means?

All these were equally likely to result in a death

That’s a bizarre sweeping statement. That someone who gets caught out by one of those motorway speed cameras is as likely to cause a death as a drunk 16 year old (who clearly can’t even drive) in a stolen car. Not sure your assertion is based on any factual analysis.

why should dd be potentially punished because of his past behaviour.

Any punishment should be relevant to the crime. But it will always be with him, however unfair he thinks that is. If he had to be DBS checked for something for example, if there is any repeat of the criminal behaviour.

Tbh I wouldn’t be keen to send a 4 year old on a play date with someone who’d just got out of prison. I’d want to observe over a bit of time what happened next. But equally I would invite the child to parties etc.

You have no clue how deprivation can affect children and make them believe they have nothing to lose and no reason to think of others.

I think most people fully understand, which come back to wouldnt you in that case think twice before sending your pfb for a playdate?

it’s kind of a full circle argument.

Do you know what sanctimonious means?

Better to be sanctimonious, than a illegal drunk driving killer surely.z this wasn't stealing a mars bar was it.

If not you have your priortys wrong. The minimising on her is shocking.