To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

The vast majority of us have neevr stolen a car, driven drunk, or killed someone. Have you?

You're minimising OP's story because you need to minimise your own. It won't wash.

Don't tell anyone. It's not relevant to any childcare situation at all. If he is legally entitled to a driving license and has no points on it, I wouldn't mention it in that scenario, either.

Have playdates at your house. Let dp be as involved as he needs to and wants to - like any other Dad.

The other parents have no right to this information, legally or ethically. It has zero bearing on his ability to safely supervise a playdate.

OP, you're kidding yourself if you think they don't already know. That's the kind of thing that gets passed around, and it would have been in the news a short time ago. Of course they know

I would hesitate to let my child be in your charge, but more because you show such poor judgement and lack of responsibility when talking about his past (which is barely past) Your dps friend did not sadly die, he was killed. By your DP. He killed someone, five short years ago. He shouldn't be over it, that persons family aren't.

No, your daughters friendships should not be affected by what her father did. But people will not want their children in the house of a convicted killer, and that's hardly unreasonable either.

I want to know if someone is a Tory 🤷‍♀️😂

Oh right so you don’t care because you aren’t on the road therefore a drunk driver is unlikely to impact you. Got it. It will likely impact other drivers including young children in those cars but that’s not you though so who cares.

Yes I’ve said many times before I was picked up by someone who I had no idea had been drinking till they nearly crashed the car we were in.

Do I have to explain the difference morally between OP’s husband and the friend?! Fine

Friend - Risked his life

OP’s own husband - Risked his own life, his best friends life, other drivers on the roads lives, as well as their families/children who could be in vehicle.

Do you really not understand that there is a difference morally between the two? One is an evil act, the other is irresponsible.

He was 17 at the time of the accident. He’s 21 now, and was released in 2020. By the time the court case was done, it sounds as if he served around a year, possibly 18 months max.

I’m surprised I’m not hit by cars everytime I leave my home as apparently teenagers have absolutely no agency and no control over their behaviour and decisions. Crazy.

Unless he has a new identity it won't stay quiet for long.

I also think you're undermining his actions, it's only been 5 years.

This will follow him for life.

@DarkShade I would imagine this fella is more acutely aware than the rest of us that a car is extremely dangerous having lived the worst experience possible in a car.

I wouldn't want my child being in the care of two 21yos one of which killed somebody and the other who minimises it. If I knew, I wouldn't be encouraging my child to get involved with yours I'm afraid. I know that might be judgmental and even unfair but just being honest.

They both risked a lot of lives @ilyx the friend knew there was no licence when he got into the car. He knew it wasn't the friends car when he got into the car. He was absolutely complicit when he decided to get in to a stolen car with an underage driver - drink aside. Why do you keep avoiding this point? That's very different than what happened to you I assume the person who picked you up was legally allowed to drive and hadn't stolen the car you were in. He could have said no and told his parents or rang the police but he probably thought the exact same thing as the driver- it's a bit of craic and nothing will go wrong.

OP I think you are still very young. People will of course judge. Very young parents, ex convict father, car theft, drunk driving resulting in the death of another teen. And to be frank your attitude that this was all in the distant past seems dismissive of the huge pain caused by this death.

parents will likely know and parents will likely be concerned about what type of people you are. This is a an extreme crime - and despite what some on here argue that level of criminality is alien to most people. If all I knew about another parent was they were very young and the dad was just out of prison I wouldn’t be leaving my little one in their care.

people will be concerned about what this says about you both. That may not seem fair, but five short years ago he committed a crime that most of us can’t begin to comprehend.

You don’t need to declare it - but don’t be surprised if other parents know and appear hesitant about trusting you with their small children.

however this thread will have shown you that joyriding, death by dangerous driving, and drunk driving are not as aliens to some folk. Lots here have said this is common teen behaviour and don’t think is peaks to someones character. So there I’ll be lots of parents who don’t see this as as issue.

As for people saying, everyone will know... I doubt it. He was a minor at the time and was not named. Depends on your community, of course. But there are numerous parents at my school who have served time in prison for a variety of reasons. The other class parents don't know. There is no reason for them to know if it has no bearing on their child's safety.

"He was not a child. Under 16 is a child."

@Sushi7 if under 16 is a child and over 18 is an adult then what are 17year olds?

@Cw112

I can’t believe what I’m reading 🤦‍♀️ No they are not both responsible. ONE OF THEM was driving. This desperation to blame the dead victim is insane to me. It’s the reason that in 99% of countries the passenger would be at no fault at all and only the driver would be punished. Because it’s the driver who makes the decision to drive the vehicle.

Yes, I was thinking about the timeline, too. Not about the sentence length, but I think the posters who are minimising things are assuming it all happened far longer ago — it’s only four years ago. The person who impregnated a fellow-16 year old, stole a car while drunk and accidentally killed his best friend while drink-driving is only four years older now, and spent part of that time in prison. I might feel personally very sympathetic to this man as an individual, but, as a parent who might be leaving my small child in his care, would I want to be deprived of key information that would allow me to make an informed call on whether he’s sufficiently responsible to look after my four-year-old? No way.

Your bad judgement would unfortunately impact on play-dates for me.

I'm not trying to be mean, you're very good, you've been estranged from family and had to raise a child.

I'm sure you've been lonely.

If he continues on the right track people will forgive him but he's in the red for now.

*Young not good.

Fair point, but no one plans to take a life through poor choices. That was my point. Most teenagers make mistakes. That’s a fact.
And my “poor little girl” doesn’t proudly tell everybody, she speaks of her dad, she aknowledges where he is and I allow her to say it because I’m not going to make her feel like she has to keep her dad as some little secret that’s shameful to speak about. It’s her reality. She’s been told he is in jail because he was naughty and he’ll stay there for a while because he broke the rules. What’s your point?

@NCFT0922

I mean, I’m usually a bit of a Pearl clutcher about stuff like prison pasts, I’ll admit it, but in this situation no I don’t think it makes any difference.

if it were violent, sexual or substance crime then YES ID WANT TO KNOW!

He made a very bad decision, to me it’s the same as a drunk driving charge the fact his friend died doesn’t actually make what he did worse, it’s just the outcome was worse case senario. You aren’t less guilty of DD if everyone survives and more guilty of DD if someone dies. I’m guessing the friend willingly got into the car knowing full well the driver was drunk which makes them entirely compliant in their own demise. Getting into a stolen car with a drunk friend is accepting you might not make it out alive. It’s certainly not murder. I’d even go as far as to say his crime wasn’t against his friend who died only against those innocent road users who may have crossed their paths that night.

I’m really surprised by some of the reactions here.
When I think as a teen, I knew lots of teen boys who were doing this on a regular basis. I’m from a very deprived northern town and it was a really common occurrence for boys to arrive at house parties in their dad’s cars or older brother’s cars.
This all stopped when one of the older boys (16) crashed and his younger brother (14) died. It was a sobering moment for so many.
It was a horrible time for his family, obviously. There was anger of course but mostly, everyone just felt sorry for the older brother. It was such a heavy burden to carry for the rest of his life. I just can’t imagine that level of guilt.

I’m surprised so few people have experience of this. It’s sadly quite common where I live.

I think we all assume everyone grew up the same as we did.

this was absolutely not my reality growing up. I of course heard about people who behaved like this but they were not in my social circle.

drunk driving was known to be incredibly stupid and no one I was friends with would risk their future by doing it. We understood the life long consequences - it was drummed into us by school and parents. I actually think some of my friends would have called the police had someone driven home drunk from a party. People either walked, got taxis or parents drove them to or from parties. If someone was driving on a weekend they were very obviously not drinking.

I guess it’s a class thing. Those who don’t see much of a future for themselves don’t see anything to risk.

They aren’t just risking their own futures though there risking other innocent peoples lives. Stop minimising evil acts.