To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

I really don’t like how you’re minimising what your boyfriend did. He was not a child. Under 16 is a child. He didn’t accidentally get drunk, steal a car and drive dangerously. His friend didn’t just die. Your boyfriend killed him. He could’ve killed innocent pedestrians too.

I think it’s awful that he was released from prison after only 2 years (if I’m correct in thinking that he was 17 in 2018 and released in 2020). I hope you never allow your Dd to be in the car if her dad is driving. But to answer your question, no you don’t have to tell the other parents. However, you are so young. Are you sure you want to stay with him? Why do you not have contact with your family?

The most articulate and honest response on this thread. 💔

How long did he serve in prison?

If he really wanted to change and he is sorry then publicly own what happened. Get involved with charities and organisations that help the relatives of people who have lost people in this way. Get involved with youth charities and talk to young people who are maybe on the wrong track and try to prevent this happening to others. But instead, you both want to pretend this didn’t happen and hide it. That’s not remorse, it’s arrogance.

I think this is good advice. Be honest, and show proper remorse.

I haven't RTFT but unless he is unsafe to be around children then I wouldn't expect to be told about this.

People 'it was a stupid accident' and 'a mistake' and 'it shouldn't effect the rest of his life'.

He killed someone, it will effect the victims families lives FOREVER (and the victim doesnt get to come back and go hang out at his kids school) but as long as he has a good life it doesnt matter right?

I will judge until the day I die and have every right too, no one should get away with taking a life through completely avoidable and illegal actions.

Signed someone whose world was turned upside down by a selfish drunk
driver who walked away and got to go home to THEIR loved ones with no
consiquence for THEIR shitty actions while our family was left
devistated.

When it happens to yous lot I garantee you wont be saying 'but he didn't mean it when he CHOSE to act reckless, he shouldn't have to live with the consiquences'.

I'm confused by your OP

Something very similiar happened with a neighbours son when I was growing up. As far as I recall everyone knew about it - it was a local tragedy not neccessarily talked about 5 years later but certainly remembered

Have you moved to a different area? Or something?

PS i lived in a large town but not a big city maybe that's the reason

I indicated upthread that you didn’t need to tell but I agree that he needs to own this, so whilst I have said that I wouldn’t necessarily expect to be explicitly told I would expect to know somehow, either because it is ingrained in the local memory or because it’s just common knowledge. People tend to judge things that are hidden.

i would have utmost respect for him if he were genuinely outwardly remorseful and doing something positive in his friend’s memory. Especially if he had chosen to volunteer with other troubled youths. Because let’s face it that’s what he was/is. We can suggest it was a mistake but it’s a pretty big one that most people manage not to make. And devastating for the family.

Id only want to know about something that might affect my dc. Eg. If they had a history of violence or paedophilia or if they ever drunk drove currently/after leaving prison.

the trouble is thenn by op and her dp will suffer of sorts but jot really.and are both adult enough to deal with it in some way.though if this man’s best friend died he will,HE WILL live with that and hate himself for the rest of his life.he will suffer greatly.

but no the person who will suffer here is the daughter. Mud sticks and it will stick to the dd.people are judgemental about this type of thing.horribly so.and in cruel ways.it will be his daughter who will get the brunt of that.she will then be damaged and likely then turn into one of the very people everyone criminalises. So the cycle continues.

the op has also said her dp doesn’t drink or drive anymore and Deff not the friends.

So what do you suggest the PPs partner does? Never gets a job? Never parents his child? What would you actually want?

He didn't get a life sentence, he got a sentence, which he's served.

OP if you still live in the same area is it not common knowledge anyway? I’d be surprised if people didn’t know.

If my child was friends with yours I wouldn’t feel I had the right to know something like that. It might well come up in conversation if we became friends, just through the usual chat about jobs, home etc but if I had liked you enough to want to be friends it wouldn’t change that.

I think folk need to mind their own business.

I also think your friend is getting an unnecessarily hard time. Although I'm always cynical about posts that call women 'bitches' - they're not usually written by women or people who are supportive of female friendships.

If at sixteen, my friend was pregnant and her bf (a year later? a few months later?) got drunk, took a car, caused the death of someone and went to prison - so she dumped him - I'd really have been hoping she took the prison time as an opportunity to get as far away from that boy as possible. You tried but then as soon as he got out, you're thoroughly enmeshed again.

I think your friend is now trying to get you to see how it might impact your DC in the hope your protectiveness of your DD might give you a different view of your DP. Obviously it didn't work. Only you know if your DP's behaviour was part of a chaotic lifestyle that continues today or if it was a catalyst for real change. But if I was your friend, I'd be worried about you. And yy I'd be saying look at your DD - at how this may impact her and think about how you'd feel if, as an adult, she made the decisions you have.

This is what I do think understand? What do people want to happen to him? I don't think anyone has said what they would deem as appropriate?

@Phantomb

Surely no-one is so dense to misinterpret me saying he had an accident as saying 'it was not his fault and he is not to blame in any way for getting behind the wheel of a car drunk'?

The car crash was an accident. What are you not getting about this?? Unless OP comes back to tell us their partner was deliberately on a suicide /killing mission we are safe to assume it was an accident.

I am NOT discounting the fact that this accident resulting in the tragic death of a teenager would not have happened if the drier had not employed terrible judgement and made the horrible decision to drink drive and steal the car etc and I have stated this clearly and also stated I think drink driving penalties should be harsher.

I'll spell it out again - he should not have stolen the car/drove while drunk etc - this is implicit in what I'm saying!

It does not discount from the fact that getting into someone's car as a passenger when they have stolen it, have no license and is drunk is not a great decision either and I have already stated if OP comes back to say the friend did not know any of this, thought her partner was legally allowed to drive etc this does not apply. But this is not the way most teen joyriding missions play out. Usually they all know there is law-breaking and a significant risk involved.

Woah that's a lot of victim blaming from a supposed 'former' youth worker. You should ask for that disgusting post to be deleted because your unsubstantiated victim blaming will hurt real families who have lost relatives in this way.
Don't bother replying to me. Your views are abhorrent and I won't engage with you.

The irony is someone like that will probably avoid most of the stigma that the OP's partners will face, simply because a court decided he should only get a fine which was IMO a very wrong decision.

We live in a highly unequal and classist society and this kind of thing is a great example of it. Richer people less likely to face consequences for their actions in the courts, and go on to face less backlash or problems with integrating into society.

There is something about jail that brands people. Although society will claim they are appalled at the death of someone due to drink driving, I feel people will differentiate in how much they are willing to accept someone's past depending on whether they are jailed or not.

So basically the person who gets of with a minimal punishment is thought of as better than the one who spends time in jail which seems quite unfair and illogical.

Many families will realise if their loved one got into a car with a drunk driver in a stolen car and knew it, their son/cousin etc showed poor judgement too. That is not to say they deserved it or they had it coming but it's simply a fact that their bad decisions sadly had fatal consequences.

Once again, it's not 'victim blaming' I am stating facts. If you don't want me to reply, don't respond or address my messages. Simple.

Regardless of anyone's opinions on his crime, the sentence, whether he is genuinely remorseful the point remains that of course you don't need to tell people about this if you don't want to.

It has no material impact on your Dad's friends, I've no idea why it would even be a consideration. Apparently 27% of UK adults have a criminal conviction so presumably we'd be spending a lot of our time exchanging information on various crimes if this was an obligation?!

And no, I won't ask for any of my posts to be deleted. If they are deleted by MN so be it, but I stand by what I've said.

And believe me you not engaging with me is a positive thing for me as I won't have to read vitriolic posts like this.

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

Whatever you decide about telling other parents is immaterial OP, because I suspect your "friend" is going to make sure she grinds the gossip mill. She sounds like a shitstirrer.

@IAmAReader Have you ever been a drunk driver by any change?

I am tempted not to even reply to this comment, but you know what... I'll bite ..

As I already said a few pages up in response to the nonsense assertions that those of us who hold the position we do are all stealth drunk drivers - I don't drive (ie. I don't have a driving license and never have had one) AND I don't drink so it's very safe to say I have never been a drink driver @ilyx

I also would never knowingly get into a car with an inebriated teen who has stolen a car and has no license - have you done that?