To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

I wouldn't want to know, its not my business. Where do you stop "Hi I'm Sarah. I had a fight once, I am a Tory, I am on anti depressesants, I am vegan....'

Imagine being the mum of the lad that died and hearing this level of minimisation. He took the life of a young person. Someone's child. I don't think you need to announce it to all and sundry but I wouldn't be so blasé about it.

I don’t have to #bekind.

I have made suggestions for ways he can do good in society and move on. He can gain a deeper understanding of the devastation this causes and try to prevent anyone doing what he did.

I would respect that. minimising, biding and pretending you’re a different person a few years on doesn’t cut it. It takes much longer to fully process the enormity of this. He can work towards that by helping society and that will help him. That’s if he’s truly remorseful of course.

It is true that 17 year olds are physically almost adults, but I've met some 12 year olds who are more mature than some 17 year olds. He was a child. He accidentally killed someone in a stupid, drunken accident. Horrific, but a mistake you make as a teenager doesn't make you a bad person. This incident doesn't make him a danger to children visiting for a play date. People should be allowed to move on and not have this follow them their whole lives. Nor should it affect his children's lives, which it definitely will if his DD and any following children are never allowed to have friends over for play dates or sleep overs.

I have a reception child. I wouldn't consider this to be my business and would be confused to be told it, because it's gossip rather than relevant to the children. As time passes, it's worth remembering that it's natural that parents wouldn't want their child in the car with your DP driving, ever, and that it becomes relevant at that point. It would be sensible for him to avoid any drinking or driving anyway, but definitely never offer lifts.

It is no one elses business - and the vile judgy sanctimonious types on this thread illustrate exactly why it is better not to tell anyone.

We have no idea about the lives of parents our children play with. Corporate man in a suit could be a wife beater. Sweet mum in a cardie could have psychotic episodes. Do you share your mental health history with the parent of every child your child plays with? Of course not.

This is no ones business. People who have served time are allowed to be rehabilitated and reintegrated back into society. We don't tattoo and brand prisoners, but it seems some on this thread would love to.

There are a lot of posters here who would have been in the crowd at public executions. People like that are the reason the OP should keep her partners past private - to protect him from a pitchfork wielding mob.

.*hiding

@WindyKnickers

I don't think OP is being blase about it. She is putting things in perspective. What he did was awful and had horrendous consequences. But the incident, as bad as it was, does not make him a danger to small children.

unless he’s driving the children or drinking round them I’d be ok with it and I wouldn’t expect to know. Some of DHs friends have colourful pasts, most done out of stupidity. I have no issue with it.

the google aspect for your dd is something you’ll need to address though.

@WindyKnickers tbh if my sons best friend was the OPs partner I'd like to think that I would feel awful for him after a time. I like my dcs best friends, they stay round my house, they've come over for tea since they were small. They aren't random people who I don't know. I wouldn't want something like this to ruin both of tbeir lives when one has the chance to get over it. I wouldn't want someone to live with the guilt and shame that I'd assume his best friend would have.

He did what many young people do, drive under the influence. Tragic outcome obviously and he's paid the price to society through his prison term. He'll never forget what he did and that's a price he'll pay forever. So what's your alleged friend's problem? It's nothing to do with her or anyone - she has labelled him a bad un for making an incredibly stupid mistake.

Congrats you are back together and he's taken responsibility for your DD.

Noone needs to know, though my DN who did the same thing, but wasn't drunk he was driving too fast, doesn't hide it at all and seems to have no probs getting jobs or friends.

Best of luck to all three of you, def stay away from this so called friend abd stop telling her stuff. She doesn't want to help you but def wants to harm your DP and in the process your DD and you.

This friend is ridiculous. Your DP is a great example of the prison service working as it should. He did something very wrong, was punished, showed remorse and rehabilitated himself and is now employed and a good citizen. He has served his time and now deserved a second chance. He is hardly a murderer or paedophile!

Her lad also made mistakes, getting in a stolen car with a drunk mate. Unfortunately he paid the ultimate price. A really sad situation, but hopefully OPs partner has grown up quickly and is now a very different person.

@HeadNorth totally agree. A good friend of mine, who is a brilliant mum and one of the most responsible people I know, has a conviction for drink driving. It was years ago, no one was injured but she remains utterly mortified about it. She would absolutely never do it again, but she doesn’t broadcast it either, most of her mum friends don’t know…..
All of us make bad decisions. And before the pitch fork welding folk come on and say “well I never have”, if you can honestly say you never done anything you regret, or something that could have been much worse, more power to you. But most of us have.

Was it just me that had visits in school from a drunk driver, a former drug addict and people from various other backgrounds and crimes telling us very similar stories to ensure we actually didn't make the same mistakes they did because teenagers are stupid, and vulnerable and often make decisions without realising the full consequences?

This man has committed a crime, served a sentence and the OP has deemed him safe and rehabilitated enough to be around their daughter. He does not drink, he does not drive.
I've already said he poses no risk to children from what we've been told, and if OP DID tell someone it would likely spread like wildfire and who would be the one punished? Her DD. She would likely be bullied for the rest of her education.

Many are saying they don't want their children around a criminal, but there are women who have committed the same crime as a teenager, gone on to have children etc so will you start asking your DCS friends parents for a background check before playdates?

People are saying a just 17 is old enough to know what they are doing yet on another thread a 16 year old is deemed as not mature enough, not able to understand and vulnerable because he is dating an older women.

I dont think you need to say anything. He was a foolish teenager who made a series of mistakes, as was the boy he killed who got into a car with a very drink friend.

However, i wouldnt out and out lie. Which may crop up as you get to know these parents and chat to them Eg "wow you have done really well having a baby so young and staying together, you must have really been strong". Then it may feel there is room to say your history.

"...a teenager was killed by your partner three or four years ago."

OP has said it was 5 years ago - not "three or four".

OP my BF has served time. She has never been allowed to forget it twenty years on or her children included in playdates etc when they were at school. She didn't kill anyone but she stole a lot of money. She can't work and loses every job when they find out. Your partners history is with him forever. Mud sticks I am afraid.
However I do believe in the rehabilitation of offenders. I once worked with a murderer. The other staff took great pleasure in telling me on my third day of his background. It was spiteful and vicious. If they had taken the time to talk to him they would have known he was a broken man. He actually gave talks to schools and colleges but not in our area as too many people judged him, I think they would have thrown tomatoes. He served 23 years (a fight with a head injury, no weapons). I would be ok with a playdates but not a car journey. My husband was excellent at spotting the 'drinkers' at are naice middle class prep. They were likely to be a risk to our dc. We never accepted a lift from them.
Do not minimise this. Someone's son died but you didn't do it. You made the choice to stay with him you therefore need to own it.

What he did was horrific and I don't agree with minimising it at all. I learnt to drive at 17 and knew fine well that you don't drink and drive.

I have to be honest, I would not want my child being driven by him, so that is something to consider if the situation arises. I think if lifts are a possibility, parents should know and make that choice for themselves.

I don't think you need to go around telling all and sundry for the sake of it. However, keep in mind that people talk - it's unlikely to remain a secret for long.

In these circumstances no I wouldn't disclose, he faced the criminal justice system, was punished and will live with both the memory of his actions and the consequences of a criminal record for the rest of his life. His past is of no relevance to casual school friends. I presume he would never touch alcohol and drive now?

@LostAmongstLife

What? He's to be working within the community for the rest of his life, apologising, for a mistake he made?

Yes it was. He didn't accidently get drunk and drive.

He did this on purpose.

Yes, but he didn’t kill his friend on purpose. He has rightly done time for what he did. His friend presumably got into the car under his own free will knowing he was drunk but paid the highest price for his mistake.

I don’t know OP, but like it or not they will find out anyway. It’ll all be on Google if anyone looks his name and home town up. So it may be worth being upfront.

He was the child's father, the child had every right to get to know his father..

It sounds like he has made amends the best he can.

The only one to suffer will be DD as she may be bullied, teased, ostracised.

He isn't a danger to anyone so I wouldn't say anything as people are gossipy judgey fuckers while keeping the door closed on their own skeletons in the closet.

I think I would like to know if my child was visiting your house but it wouldn’t change my opinion on your family or not allow my child there. I think if someone hears through the grape vine your DP has been in prison for killing someone it would be really scary for them knowing their child has had contact with him, so explaining would avoid this