To think DD’s friends parents don't need to know about DP’s past? *potential TW?*

[xidol70080]

I'm pretty sure I posted about DP before when he was first released from prison and MN was helpful then but I've since deleted that account so I can't find the thread, some of you may remember.

Some background. I was with DDs dad (now 4) for a few months at 16, I then found out I was pregnant and we stayed together. On his 17th birthday, he was drunk and stole his dads car and crashed, his best friend sadly died and he was sent to prison. I split up with him as I was very angry and upset. He was released from prison in late 2020 (when I posted on here) and I took DD to see him, he was very remorseful and told me he wanted to be in DD’s life. I moved in with him and his dad in at the start of lockdown so DD could build a relationship with her dad and so I could get some support as I don't see my own family.

Me and him got back together in March 2021, me and DD stayed living with him and his dad, he got a job and everything relationship wise has been good. Me, him and DD moved into our own house this summer (we were saving whilst living at his dads).

DD started reception in September and has had a few playdates, one of my friends has never been happy with DD having contact with DP let alone us getting back together, so we don't talk much but this evening she messaged and asked how DD is getting on at school, has she made friends etc so I told her she has. She then asked if I mentioned DP’s past to her friends’ parents, I said no and she has said if she had a child, she'd want to know so she could judge whether to allow her child around him. Some of the parents have met him and have made their judgements without knowing.

AIBU in thinking they don't need to know something that happened when DP was still legally classed as a child, he's now 21, and it's been 5 years since it happened. Or if you were her friends parents would you want to know?

I wouldn’t tell people, or expect to be told.

No one else’s business.

I don't think they need to know.
But if they don't then your DP should not drive your DD's friends anywhere, and possibly should not be the main adult in charge of them either.

I agree with PPs who say it’s not a safeguarding issue so you’re under no obligation to tell people and that kids aren’t at risk from him.

BUT if my DC were friends with yours and I did know, I wouldn’t let them play round yours. I would think that what he did points to a general level of recklessness and dysfunction and I’d consider your home to be a risky environment as a result.

What a nasty comment! OP and her DH, have hit their own place now and seem to be doing just fine.

I don't think the post was about your view on their relationship?

That reaction is why I think DP shouldn't be in sole charge. Then if it does come out you can truthfully say 'although we chose to keep it private, DP never drove your child and was never in sole charge of them'.

21 is still pretty young (sorry), in 5 years time it will be less of an issue.

*got not hit

You are right. I once left my son for a play date with one of his friends. The father of this friend is now in prison for a very long time for very serious crimes. I was horrified. You never know.

A few posters have said they wouldn't want him driving their child but why? He's not 17 anymore. He presumably doesn't drink and drive anymore. So why would him driving your child be an issue.

I’d want to know. It wouldn’t stop me letting my DD be friends with yours, and I’d have her over to play but I’m not sure I’d let me DD come to you. And I definitely wouldn’t let her be in a car with him.

But my view is probably clouded as my dad was killed by an idiot teenager driving a stolen car who also served a (in my opinion) too short sentence.

I would say if you tell one parent I’d expect it to get round most of the class.

We have a similar set of circumstances at our school. The dad was 18 , driving like a boy racer through a village. Crashed and killed another driver. No prison. £80 fine. Genuinely have no idea how he got off so lightly. Other than his parents being loaded.

Yes he was young but he was still an adult. The thing that really doesn't sit well with me is that he now has a selection of "grown up" boy racer cars.

This git out as gossip , but can be found online in newspaper reports. I'm pretty sure it hasn't affected the DD friendship group

I think its minimising and I certainly wouldn't want my dc around him. He may be remorseful but he killed someone and he needs to live with that not try to hide it. If you both try to hide it then you're not accepting of what he did and not taking responsibility for it.

Its 5 years - but with the length of time it takes for a case to come to trial and hes been out for a while then how long did he serve ? Can't have been long at all.

I would be concerned this attitude means he's not learnt anything and would make poor choices again in the future.

If other parents dont know then you are taking away their informed consent.

I also think they don't need to know unless they are getting into a car with him.

@PoundShopPrincess What would you suggest? The electric chair?? I don’t understand your comment. Should he wear a Tshirt saying ‘I drunk & drove & went to prison’ for the rest of his life? No one is ‘minimising’ drink driving but a historical conviction of drunk driving doesn’t pose a risk to a child’s play date. How would you say it does? Would you want to know about someone who had been in prison for a different offence? What about money laundering? Or theft? Or fraud?

Even though he wasn’t purposely named a lot of people will no. Anyone that knew of his friend or their family will know and gossip on the playground spreads so if any parent at the whole school knows it will likely come out at some point. Only takes a slip up of say you were a single mum for five years oh where was her dad? You going to lie or tell the truth.

would I send my house on a play date of someone who had been in jail? Yes/no. Depends really on the individual and the crime also possibly if that person was actually there or not.

The absolute stupidity of youth that HE will live with for the rest of his life.

The older he gets, the heavier the guilt will feel.

That person is no friend to you.

It is absolutely none of her business.

I don't believe it is anyone's business.

Wishing you well.

*I agree with PPs who say it’s not a safeguarding issue so you’re under no obligation to tell people and that kids aren’t at risk from him.

BUT if my DC were friends with yours and I did know, I wouldn’t let them play round yours. I would think that what he did points to a general level of recklessness and dysfunction and I’d consider your home to be a risky environment as a result.*

This. Logically and objectively I would say no need to know but subjectively I would feel different if it was my child. I wouldn’t leave them in the care of a 21 year old recently released from prison honestly.

I do agree though that it shouldn’t mark him forever nor your dd so I wouldn’t mention it if you are sure nobody knows. It depends on the chances of the gossip spreading, this things do tend to get out in the end and from a strategic perspective it’s better to disclose yourself and own the narrative rather than being ‘found out’. Although as pp have pointed out it’s not exactly like you announce it when asking for a play date so I’m not sure how you would deal with it practically.

It shows a spectacular lack of safety sense (to put it mildly) in a car. I would never want my DC in a car with someone who doesn't understand that a car is extremely dangerous.

I would want to know. We lost a member of our family when he was ran over by a speeding, drunk underage driver in a stolen car. It was devastating. Some of my family have been unable to get back to any sort of normal life years on. I can not even begin to explain the effects this has had.

There’s lots of minimising on this thread and by you OP. Telling us he made a mistake when he was just a kid, as if this is a common ‘mistake’ lots of teens make. It’s not. Teens do silly things. This wasn’t silly.

He may have been drunk, but to steal his fathers car and be able to drive, he knew what he was doing. It was a choice. It wasn’t an accident, he chose to put everyone at risk, for what, to presumably show off. To find out you’re going to be a dad and not grow the fuck up, to go on to steal a car, it’s very obvious that there would have been other very anti social behaviour going on too. This isn’t a child that had an accident. It’s a bad person who doesn’t care about others. His girlfriend, his unborn baby, his friends... and fuck the public as well if they got in his way that day.

If you are not going to be honest, then at least do not invite kids for play dates. If I found out later and I’d sent my child to your house previously, I would find that very upsetting. I detest drink drivers and I wouldn’t want my child any where near this man.

I also wouldn’t want my child anywhere near you, a person that makes poor decisions for her own child isn’t going to keep mine safe. I feel very sad for your child, she has a father who is selfish and has put everyone at risk, for what, to be cool? And a mum who thinks it ok to put her daughter in this mans path. Poor child.

The desperation to hide this shows how disgusting you both are. He should be honest. If he really wanted to change and he is sorry then publicly own what happened. Get involved with charities and organisations that help the relatives of people who have lost people in this way. Get involved with youth charities and talk to young people who are maybe on the wrong track and try to prevent this happening to others. But instead, you both want to pretend this didn’t happen and hide it. That’s not remorse, it’s arrogance.

And it is easier to get others to say your friend is unreasonable than to take responsibility for what’s happened and face up to what has happened and the fact that you are now both now acting badly.

There is absolutely no safeguarding issues OP. Your DP was reckless at 17 and that resulted in the loss of of his friend.

I’ve unfortunately seen and dealt with these incidents on many many occasions and very rarely have I come across certainly any incident with similar circumstances, were all people within the vehicle haven’t been willing participants (for those asking the offence is allowing yourself to be carried).

It’s a tragedy OP but certainly not something I think needs to be shared regarding child protection.

By this post you think he should wear a shirt advertising what happened?

He served the sentence he got, he can't serve longer, you make it sound like he should ask to go back to prison? You do realise that prisons are over crowded?

He did wrong, served his sentence and is now trying to move forward.

Not the OP but there is minimising on the thread. It was only 5 years ago. That said, I wouldn’t refuse to allow my child to your home. I wouldn’t expect to be told but I would appreciate a heads up “my DP was charged with drink driving but to reassure you, I will be there for the play date and he doesn’t drink or drive anymore”. I would feel reassured but equally, wouldn’t expect it. You don’t have to go into details of the nature.

It wasn't when he was a child, it was 5 years ago.
Whilst it wasn't a violent crime, but it shows a complete lack of judgement.
It was a long time ago I was 17 but I very much remember that none of my piers drove while drunk. We just had to sleep on a floor or in the car. And we all managed not to steal anyone's car.

Your partner is just going to have to own it. I don't think you have to announce it but do think it is something that you will need to tell people ie when they ask if DP drives you can say no, he caused a terrible accident when he was 17 and killed his friend. Talking about how awful it was and still is for him is something people should know about, as in, a good reminder for anyone thinking of driving after a few at a christms party.

Some awful judgmental posts on here.

I'm sure some of you would take great pleasure in not letting your DC be friends with the OP's DC or purposely inviting every DC in the class to a birthday party except the OP's.

There is no safeguarding issue here and the whole thing is absolutely no one's business but your own.

I wouldn't let my kid near him, and I am shocked that you so easily moved back with him and exposed your child to this person who made such an irresponsible and deadly decision. What a role model he is!

@LostAmongstLife i find your comment really really unkind and I appreciate that it is likely clouded by your own tragedy - you sound very much like you are still grieving - my condolences for your loss - I absolutely don’t think that zero forgiveness is the right approach in our society. I also think that you shouldn’t label the OP here in such a personal and vicious way. That’s horrible.
Two wrongs don’t make a right even if one is a very big wrong. The comments on this thread from posters who believe in forgiveness and the justice system are not minimising drunk driving but suggesting that someone can be rehabilitated following a disastrous wrong decision that they made. How does your zero tolerance view help the perpetrator of such a crime move forward as life goes on, and how does it help improve their decision making for the future? I don’t think it does. x