To sat no to MIL at Christmas

[Hyggerama]

She is visiting us just now, before today we hadn't seen her since the beginning of 2020 when DD was a baby. DD will be 3 soon and we also have baby DS. Dh and MIL are usually LC.

MIL is all over the kids, quite literally. She basically follows DD around as DD plays with her toys. She hovers over DS as he's playing on the floor and tries to get his attention all the time by making clicking noises. I took DS out to play in the swing, MIL wanted to come with, which was fine. I popped out through our gate to say a quick hi to a neighbour who was in his garden, she followed me all the way! After playing in the garden I was walking towards our bins carrying DS to put something small in, she actually followed me to the bins rather than going inside the house.

All of this is made more awkward by the fact that MIL doesn't speak much English (Has lived in the UK for 30+ years) so rather than trying to talk to the children she does this physical following, hovering and making weird clicking noises.

She doesn't know DS's name, she called him 'the little boy'. Small mercies, DS doesn't like it when she tries to hold him and starts crying, DD refused to give her a goodnight hug when she asked. I'm neither encouraging or stopping the children from interacting with her and I let them just do what they feel comfortable with.

So AIBU, DH said he might invite her for Christmas, which would mean a minimum 4 day stay because of the trains. He's not being the best host atm, he's playing on his phone and doing work stuff whilst she's sitting in the living room with us. I would happily accommodate a 2 day stay but 4 days would just be too much for me, and probably the DC too!

I've said that she can visit after Christmas when the trains are running normally. She has a son and lots of close friends in her hometown so she wouldn't be alone.

If you and DH had no interest in teaching dc their cultural language you have no business complaining that their GM doesn’t speak their language.
If the kids are born and brought up in England and their dad barely speaks his first language anymore, then the children's cultural language is English!

It's also not the OP's responsibility to teach them mil's language - of their dad can't be arsed to do it, why should OP, she's taught them her languages. And barring an abusive home life where a woman is cut off from the outside world, after 30 years the woman should speak English - I hope she's paying for her own translator when she goes the GP and not saddling the nhs with this cost! It's outrageous to move abroad and make no effort to learn the language, whether that's foreigners coming here or Brits going to Spain!

If mil can travel, she can FaceTime her grandchildren. Again, it's not the OPs responsibility to facilitate the relationship.

That poor poor woman. It must be awful for her. She feels anxious and excluded. Why can't you be kind, OP?

And as for your useless DH. What a waste of space 😒

I would hate this
However the problem is entirely created by your husband. He needs to be there to host her if he wants her to stay. As in he needs to be sitting with her and not working.

OP if I was you I'd take the kids to your home country for Christmas and leave dh to entertain his own mother, since he thinks it's okay to invite her with no consultation. Fuck him, he needs to feel some consequences!
And certainly don't be doing all the cleaning and cooking in preparation.

OP, you've had a horribly hard time from posters here. You say your DH was LC with her due to a difficult upbringing. You also say she hasn't bothered with your kids for three years. Now we hear that your DH is allowing you to host her while he lazes around. It is not YOUR job to facilitate your DC relationship with your MIL. That's on your DH, if he wants to. Hope he'll be cleaning the house before her Christmas visit, doing the Christmas Dinner and planning the activities. No?

It's clear the OP doesn't like her mother in law and doesn't want to put any effort in. This is the first time seeing her in years. And now she is coming for 4 days over Christmas. That's really not a lot to put up with. Yes, I get it, she is a bit irritating. But isn't it just part of being a grown up and handling people and relationships after you get married? Why marry someone from a different background and think there will be no differences in cultural expectations? Did you not think that you would interact with his side of the family ever?

Yes I agree that MIL should know english, but she doesn't. She sounds irritating, but harmless. You sound really unkind. She is trying to make an effort with you and the children and instead you've got her on eggshells.

I get the feeling from OPs posts that she really looks down on her MIL and her cultural background.

Don't worry OP, if you continue acting the way you are then pretty soon you'll be LC with her again. That's probably what you want deep down isn't it? If it isn't then I suggest you approach your MIL with a little more magnanimity and maturity.

I bet all the posters telling the OP to be kind, make more effort etc, would lose their shit at the prospect of being followed round the house for 4 days solid over Christmas, while their lazy arse husband (who is free with is during invitations and criticism) contributes nothing to the work this entails.

Plan to do things without her so you're kept busy but maybe allow her some time in the evenings when you're DH is around and make it a joint activity rather than just her.
Tell your DH now what your Christmas is going to look like so he can't shirk responsibility last minute.

Good luck!

Most would go out as a family to get out of the house and make sure DH goes too. DH can also entertain his mother and children for OP to do dinner.

MIL can help out with washing dishes, making a cup of tea etc. She may need someone to give her tasks, seeing as she’s in someone else’s house and not comfortable enough to just do it.

I seriously think OP doesn’t want her MIL around and MIL is never going to be seen as anything but a PITA no matter what she does.

This thread is insanely hard on you OP.

You aren't responsible for teaching his language and culture to very small children, either he does it or maybe later when they are school age, they can learn a bit about it, just to have an idea.

I'm close to LTB, it doesn't sound he respects your opinion, he doesn't sound like caring, he sounds like dropping work on you and expecting you to deal with it.
I'm not saying you would have to run now, but you should formulate your boundaries for yourself. And then turn it to clear expectations about his participation in your household and about his responsibilities when hosting. And you need to make sure your opinion matter, to not get into situation, that he decides, you express opinion, he ignores it and you are stuck to perform his will.

It is very hard, and probably the last thing you wanted for your Christmas, but if your relationship has hope, it is in you asserting your position soon enough, before your pair habits get too broken

Plan time away from the house. Of course you can take children outside yourself for an hour or two, or leave with DS and letting them get on with DD. Tell to DH that you need it. If he doesn't help facilitating or cause obstacles, start planning your way out.

Don’t be ridiculous: she’s their GRANNY. Kindness goes beyond languages - perhaps you need to work on that

Just a quick one this time
@Hyggerama Could you please clarify for me (and probably some of the other PP's as well) how your visits to your MiL's town ever always coincide with her being away coincidentally, as I am finding it hard to understand the situation?

In my family and circle of friends, a visit to see someone important to us, but who lived far enough away that we would be staying overnight in some sort of commercial establishment, would start with this conversation:

"Hi friend/loved one, we have the weekend of xx/xx/xxxx free, will you be available if we stay at ????? ?????, that weekend, as obviously there is no point in us coming if you are going to be away, or too busy?"

await the reply, then after having a response from them, my reply would be along the lines of:

"Oh that's a pity that you will be away that weekend. Can you let me know a selection of dates when you will be at home please, as we are really looking forward to seeing you again - it has already been too long!"

I really can’t get on with this assumption that sharing DNA with a child creates an automatic bond or obligation of love. OP’s kids don’t owe their GRANNY anything. It doesn’t sound like MIL has made much effort in the past. So, yes, she is a virtual stranger to the DC right now, GRANNY or not.

OP, I would hate this situation- particularly the one in your latest update. As others have said, this really is a DH problem. Over Christmas, make your own plans and get out of the house (to the extent possible.) Let DH entertain her. Do not prepare for her visit & tell DH you expect Christmas prep to be on his shoulders. That’s all you can do. That, and seriously put some work into deciding if this marriage is for you.

and yes, it is obnoxious not to bother to learn the language of your new country after 30 years.

I have not read the whole thread, but I have read all the OP's posts.

Why on earth should the OP be expected to host her MIL when her husband is not pulling his weight here? If he wants his mother to stay over - either at Christmas or at any other time - why is he just "playing on his phone and doing work stuff whilst she's sitting in the living room with us" while his mother is visiting at the moment?

This thread is ridiculous.
OP say no to this woman! That intensity would drive me insane for 4 days. Spend a day or 2 with her at some point. That's fine

You have a big problem with your H.

Make it clear that if he doesn't spend all of his time for the M's visit entertaining her and organising her, she is not crossing your threshold again.

It's completely up to him to decide what level of contact with your family this woman has - if he fails to behave as you need him to then that's the consequence of his choice.

Her behaviour when you were recovering from an EMCS (and his too) is beyond gobsmacking.

I have a similar issue with FIL following DS around and never giving him space, it's so annoying and I wouldn't want that on Christmas Day, it would be unbearable!

@mathanxiety this is the issue, whilst MIL seemed perfectly happy just sitting on the sofa or following the children around obsessively, I found it very suffocating. I suggested that DH takes her for a walk just that she gets out of the house but he can't apparently because she's got arthritis. He doesn't think he needs to plan any activities for her.

My only option will be to plan activities for just me and the dc so basically sneak them out of the house just to get some space because otherwise MIL will insist on coming too. H would be very upset if I did this but I can't honestly see how I'll cope with being with her all the time for 4 days and not being able to be with my children without her stalking me (or them)

Or maybe I could plan to fly to see my parents on boxing day, but again this would make H livid because he's taking time off work for Christmas.

Her lack of English isn't an insult to immigrants, I'm an immigrant too. I mentioned it to highlight why I find it awkward to host her, and H doesn't seem likely to host.

Why would your H be livid if you spent time with your own parents at Christmas?

or left the house on your own?

both those things are concerning

I thought one of the treatments for arthritis is to try to keep moving so your bones and muscles don't seize up. It doesn't have to be a power-walk (as in what you would see in the Olympics as the Walking Race), just a gentle stroll but the fact that he isn't even trying is speaking volumes.

Book those flights to see your family. You've spent time with his family and now it's time to spend time with yours.

Also, your DH is taking time off work to spend with his mother as well as with you so let him spend time with his mother! I'd wonder how many future trips would be shelved if he was spending one-on-one time with just her without you and the kids there to talk to and do things with.

I have not read all the thread, but it sounds as though you are being a bit harsh on her, when the problem lies with your OH who is playing on his phone in another room rather than engaging with his own mother.

I hear that you find her behaviour irritating, but reading what you have written there seems nothing there that is objectionable. But when something gets under your skin it looms larger in your mind. So I hope some of the posts here, from a distant view, might help you to achieve some balance.

It sounds as though she is trying hard - maybe a bit too hard - to the point where you find her annoying - and where you can seriously write that your DC refusing her friendly advances is seen as a "small mercy." That is simply downright cruel.

These children are going to have to learn to get on with her - she will be around throughout their childhoods at the very least; and also learn about respecting people of any age. You need to change your attitude and set them good example for the rest of their lives.

I hope that in the fullness of time you do not find yourself spurned by your son's wife.

You need to do two things:

• rethink what matters in life and the values you want your children to learn by example.
• have a very firm conversation with your OH about his responsibilities to his mother and how it is entirely unacceptable that he is distancing himself from her during her visit. He needs to be engaging with her, sharing memories with her, taking her out and generally putting some effort into making her visit a happy one.

@Mischance yes small mercies because MIL quite clearly thought that the dc would bond with her instantly and she wouldn't have to put any effort in. She was a complete stranger to my DC, why would DD be hugging her and wanting to hold her hand etc when effectively she's never met her granny before. Trying too hard over a period of 2 days doesn't make up for no effort over 3 years.

H has admitted that her behaviour is strange and she probably has some kind of special needs, but he says her behaviour is harmless. It might be harmless but this obsessive following really makes me uncomfortable. My thoughts and feelings matter too!

DD is only little so she doesn't have the vocabulary to express if she feels really uncomfortable, apart from saying no to hugs and holding hands etc. What if she does feel uncomfortable, do we force her to bond with MIL if she doesn't want to? Do her feelings not matter?

SIL and her partner visited us recently. SIL was always the favourite child but she hasn't seen MIL for over a year. SIL also said she finds spending time with her awkward and uncomfortable and she prefers spending Christmas with her partner's family. If her own daughter finds her awkward why would I be thrilled to bits to spend 4 days straight with her?

I am sorry - but you do not have to be "thrilled" - we all do things with our families that we might have preferred not to, but we do them out of kindness and thoughtfulness.

There is no reason at all why your DD should feel comfortable about hugging someone she barely knows - but that is just normal and happens in all families - not all would regard this as signifying some pathology in MIL, but just as a small passing incident.

I really think you need to cut her some slack - it is not as if she is going to be living with you permanently. Your OH needs to put in the effort when she visits, just as we all do with our relatives. Honestly, 4 days is just a drop in the ocean; and if you feel that she has not yet got to know your DC, then here is the golden opportunity.

Talk to her - or get your OH to, if the language barrier will not allow - and say that she needs to take it gently and give the children a chance to get to know her bit by bit.

Your OH really is ducking out here, especially as he shares her language. You need to have firm words with him - not so he will "tell her off" but so he will do things with her; and especially things involving him and the children so that MIL can gradually get to know the children with someone who she can converse with there to gently curb her excesses.