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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH taking toddler on day trip not the supermarket as he said

153 replies

Daytrip2 · 12/11/2022 14:14

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not, but I am feeling pretty hurt to be honest.

So I've had a really horrible time recently. Wave after wave of crisis. Big stuff. And throughout it all I've been pretty much 100% left to deal with childcare, which has been really tough. DH works away at times, can't be helped.

So this morning DH says he's going to take the baby for a walk in the pram down in our local village, to give me some space (after I'd asked him for some time to myself).

10 minutes before he leaves the house - our dog has broken into the bin. He's fuming about it. He says - right I'm going to buy us a new bin, where should I go? I said supermarket - get one from Argos. We're in a bit of a fight at this stage because he has properly lost his ragged about the dog getting in the bin and I'm saying - I really don't need this right now. So he's like - oh so it's fine when you have a rant but not me. Maybe important because when he left it was on an argument. But anyway off he goes with the baby and in the car because he's going to the supermarket now.

I come upstairs to rest and about an hour later I get a text that he isn't in the supermarket buying a bin and he hasn't gone into our local village for a walk. He's gone to a picturesque town centre - think somewhere like York. A good 45 minute motorway drive away. Somewhere we've been planning to visit but haven't done so yet.

And I'm just sat here so hurt by that. I've had such a rotten time of things, and it's like I'm being punished for asking for some help. I wanted a couple of hours to myself but now he's taken her off for the day and had he said - 'come on luv, let's all get dressed, how about we go into 'York' for the day' - I would have said, 'alright yeah that sounds lovely'. That would have cheered me right up and would have been a lovely way to spend Saturday.

Feels like a slap in the face. When I said on the text back to him - I would have liked to have done that. He replied, it wasn't on purpose, she was napping so he kept driving and that's where he ended up.

Maybe I'm just being unreasonable. Feeling really depressed at the moment and quite sorry for myself that I always get the shit end of everything.

Moreover, he left at 11am and it's now 2pm - so not the hour out of the house he originally said and I have no idea when he's planning on coming back. He has to respond to my text asking.

I'm just sat here, alone, sad, depressed not knowing when they will be back. I just wanted an hour to myself and instead I get this.

OP posts:
pinheadlarry · 12/11/2022 17:24

Hobbi · 12/11/2022 17:07

None of this bears any relation to what the OP said. Stop projecting.

Show quote history

Improve comprehension skills , im not projecting because I'm not in a relationship with a narc and I love it

Tubs11 · 12/11/2022 17:26

I remember when my mom died suddenly I didn't know what I wanted and was an emotional wreck. My partner was amazing during that time, but it was tough for him and he often felt like he was walking on egg shells at times. Suspect your partner feels the same and is trying to be supportive. Look after yourself op, time is a great healer

Onnabugeisha · 12/11/2022 17:29

pinheadlarry · 12/11/2022 17:24

Improve comprehension skills , im not projecting because I'm not in a relationship with a narc and I love it

Show quote history

In that case you’re making wild speculations based on no knowledge at all as well as distorting the facts….so much better.

entropynow · 12/11/2022 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Who's the not very bright person posting this?

ABJ100 · 12/11/2022 17:32

You sound like hard work really. He can't do anything right. You asked for a break, you got one and a good long one at that but it's not good enough. You complained about childcare being a bit too much and then you get some time and it's a problem. Hmm

Benjieandjacksmum · 12/11/2022 17:34

Have you gone through the loss of a parent? It is such a horrible dark time of grief and loss the least her snarky husband can do is support her through it. She's allowed to be unreasonable but in this case she is really not. Her prize of a husband causes an argument over nothing, then takes off to a place where they had planned to go together. He could have gone into town bought her some nice flowers and gone home to be with her and be supportive. I lost both my parents within three months of each other my partner and I were in the process of splitting up but he was amazing. Let me cry, let me rant, I was all over the place losing things and snapping at him he was always there for me. I would have been lost without him. I'm sorry for all you are going through OP and I hope it gets easier for you.

imSatanhonest · 12/11/2022 17:35

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to feel hurt by this. I was married to someone who would have done something like this, as a 'punishment.'

BUT. Your baby won't remember the outing and you got a day's peace - try to focus on that thought. I'd be planning my own day out with baby, just the 2 of you.

NewJobGoingCrazy · 12/11/2022 17:37

SkylightSkylight · 12/11/2022 14:47

@Daytrip2

youre definitely not being unreasonable!!

there's are a lot of posters who don't seem to understand how abandoned you've felt. You've been left to deal with everything, practically & emotionally.

The dog gets into the bin & he throws a monumental strop, says you're allowed to rant but not him & storms out the house.

He then goes for a drive with the baby, instead of to Tesco. He decides to have a nice day out with the baby, without you (instead of the hour of peace), he could have gone & got the bloody bin & called you to ask if you fancied a drive out to 'York' and picked you up.

hrs a moody, unsupportive twat.

jesus, if he can't be supportive when your parent has just died (so very sorry, it's a dreadful thing to go through. ). Then thats very very shit & I'd be wondering what I was doing in this relationship! I'd put it on the slow burn though as losing a parent is enough to cope with just now!

im sorry so many people have told you you're being unreasonable, you're really, really, not! Xx

I'm inclined to agree with this.
Face value - how nice, time to myself.

Potential deeper issue - not supportive DH, took a day trip to somewhere you wanted to go to get back at you for missing that first. Yes it may be a petty thing but it can still hurt.

MysteryBelle · 12/11/2022 17:37

Cuppasoupmonster · 12/11/2022 14:28

YABU. Time for a bubble bath, a hot chocolate with a dash of something strong and to catch up on beauty treatments in front of Netflix. Be calm and serene when he gets back, thank him for giving you some space and get the evening off to a good start.

I don’t think you’re BU. I think you’re both in a place right now where there is resentment toward the other, result of extended time of stress and tension and another argument on top. So yes, he knew by going to a special place for the day that you would have wanted to be included as a family excursion, so it was unreasonable and hurtful on his part.

But—he was also feeling resentful. You wanted him to take care of the bin (he felt responsible for taking care of the bin, you said you couldn’t take any more stress), right before he was to take child away to give you time to yourself, which he might see as yet another order to keep your equilibrium. So another order on top of an order and he got frustrated and resentful so he took off for entire day to scenic place to ‘get you back’.

Best thing to do is take everyone’s advice and enjoy the time, bubble bath, a little something in your hot chocolate, movie, pampering, reading, nap. If he comes back and you are on edge still, that’s going to make you even more upset. Get the evening off to a fresh start. Sit down and communicate with him, clear the air, and become a team, instead of enemies. Make the default thinking of and treating each other kindly instead of jumping to blame and frustration. Easy to say I know and it takes 2 to do this.

DamnUserName21 · 12/11/2022 17:37

Damned if you do and damned if you don't!

pinheadlarry · 12/11/2022 17:50

Onnabugeisha · 12/11/2022 17:29

In that case you’re making wild speculations based on no knowledge at all as well as distorting the facts….so much better.

Show quote history

Tell me what fact i "distorted" .. youre trying to gaslight me here
I read all the information i need in a few sentences
Husband raging at an animal then turns rage onto wife for no reason
Husband storms off with baby and drives far away because he was angry
Husbsnd has no empathy for his wives emotional state

Tell me what day the bin men come because that's where I'd throw him

Regularsizedrudy · 12/11/2022 17:53

I was going to say Yabu however as you have recently lost a parent he should be being more supportive and not kicking off about stupid things like the bin. If my husband was grieving it would be at the front of my mind and I would keep checking in and asking what they wanted to do rather than leaving them alone at home.

pinheadlarry · 12/11/2022 17:56

ABJ100 · 12/11/2022 17:32

You sound like hard work really. He can't do anything right. You asked for a break, you got one and a good long one at that but it's not good enough. You complained about childcare being a bit too much and then you get some time and it's a problem. Hmm

There's no need to be dramatic, she's not "hardwork" she just lost her parent
And instead of arguing with her dikhead narc husband , she came on here to get advice
How is that hard work hmm???
Or are you saying that she's hard work because she got upset ??

He should have been doing his parental responsibilities already but he hasn't been and on the one day he was meant to, he started an argument with her instead and left her at home alone so she can't relax

BobbyBobbyBobby · 12/11/2022 17:56

Poor bloke can’t do right from wrong. You wanted time to yourself. As long as he didn’t swing by a brothel or take the kid to an abattoir you should not be whinging.

luxxlisbon · 12/11/2022 17:59

I wanted a couple of hours to myself but now he's taken her off for the day

I see quite a lot of women with this attitude and I think it’s a shame. They want a break, they want the partner to have the kids but they don’t want them to enjoy it. Heaven forbid they go to the zoo, or park, or a nice day out. No they are only allowed to give you a break while bin shopping.

Hellybelly84 · 12/11/2022 18:10

I understand you would have enjoyed the day out too (and would have helped take your mind off things), but he probably thought it would give you a break. Hope you managed to enjoy abit of time to yourself and try and thinks its just one day. You can do the same day out plenty of times in the future. Hope things get better for you.

username8888 · 12/11/2022 18:21

'York' isn't going anywhere. Just reschedule

Mariposista · 12/11/2022 18:23

you wanted space and were in a shitty mood, so he cleared off and left you to take stock. Sounds good to me.

cypresstree · 12/11/2022 18:47

SkylightSkylight · 12/11/2022 14:47

@Daytrip2

youre definitely not being unreasonable!!

there's are a lot of posters who don't seem to understand how abandoned you've felt. You've been left to deal with everything, practically & emotionally.

The dog gets into the bin & he throws a monumental strop, says you're allowed to rant but not him & storms out the house.

He then goes for a drive with the baby, instead of to Tesco. He decides to have a nice day out with the baby, without you (instead of the hour of peace), he could have gone & got the bloody bin & called you to ask if you fancied a drive out to 'York' and picked you up.

hrs a moody, unsupportive twat.

jesus, if he can't be supportive when your parent has just died (so very sorry, it's a dreadful thing to go through. ). Then thats very very shit & I'd be wondering what I was doing in this relationship! I'd put it on the slow burn though as losing a parent is enough to cope with just now!

im sorry so many people have told you you're being unreasonable, you're really, really, not! Xx

Or he just thought he was doing a good thing in giving the OP some space.

Maybe your reaction stems from not wanting to be alone right now OP, you are grieving, understandable, but he may not be aware of this and thinks he is being helpful to you by giving you some peace.

cypresstree · 12/11/2022 18:50

pinheadlarry · 12/11/2022 17:50

Tell me what fact i "distorted" .. youre trying to gaslight me here
I read all the information i need in a few sentences
Husband raging at an animal then turns rage onto wife for no reason
Husband storms off with baby and drives far away because he was angry
Husbsnd has no empathy for his wives emotional state

Tell me what day the bin men come because that's where I'd throw him

Show quote history

You have your perspective and others have theirs. It could also be that he thought he was doing a good thing.

pinheadlarry · 12/11/2022 20:05

cypresstree · 12/11/2022 18:50

You have your perspective and others have theirs. It could also be that he thought he was doing a good thing.

Show quote history

From what the OP described the husband sounds vindictive and he deove up to york when he was in an angry state of mind
Also he didnt even stay there very long because the baby was sleeping
He did it to piss off his wife seems like

GalesThisMorning · 12/11/2022 20:10

You were being unreasonable, but I would have felt the same. We are allowed to be unreasonable sometimes.

SD1978 · 12/11/2022 20:11

You asked for some time, he's gone off and given you some time, and now you're miffed that you have some time......he has an explanation as to why he went further than you'd discussed, told you as soon as they got there, and you can all go together on another occasion. I really wouldn't make a fight out of this

luxxlisbon · 12/11/2022 20:17

pinheadlarry · 12/11/2022 20:05

From what the OP described the husband sounds vindictive and he deove up to york when he was in an angry state of mind
Also he didnt even stay there very long because the baby was sleeping
He did it to piss off his wife seems like

Show quote history

How does it sound vindictive at all? He literally said he was driving because the baby was still sleeping and that’s where they ended up when OP said she was upset about where he went.
Based on the OPs post the minimum time he spent there was at least 1.5 hours and probably longer since he hasn’t arrived home 3 hours after leaving so where are you getting the idea that he didn’t even stay long and specifically left early because the baby was sleeping?

Ttbhappy · 12/11/2022 20:17

I see both sides he just wanted maybe to give you a break after thinking about the situation after stepping away? I'm not sure as I dont know you both. I can see your side as well you are not overreacting you have I think maybe lots of emotions swirling around and you want a break but you didn't want them gone all day.