DH taking toddler on day trip not the supermarket as he said

[Daytrip2]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not, but I am feeling pretty hurt to be honest.

So I've had a really horrible time recently. Wave after wave of crisis. Big stuff. And throughout it all I've been pretty much 100% left to deal with childcare, which has been really tough. DH works away at times, can't be helped.

So this morning DH says he's going to take the baby for a walk in the pram down in our local village, to give me some space (after I'd asked him for some time to myself).

10 minutes before he leaves the house - our dog has broken into the bin. He's fuming about it. He says - right I'm going to buy us a new bin, where should I go? I said supermarket - get one from Argos. We're in a bit of a fight at this stage because he has properly lost his ragged about the dog getting in the bin and I'm saying - I really don't need this right now. So he's like - oh so it's fine when you have a rant but not me. Maybe important because when he left it was on an argument. But anyway off he goes with the baby and in the car because he's going to the supermarket now.

I come upstairs to rest and about an hour later I get a text that he isn't in the supermarket buying a bin and he hasn't gone into our local village for a walk. He's gone to a picturesque town centre - think somewhere like York. A good 45 minute motorway drive away. Somewhere we've been planning to visit but haven't done so yet.

And I'm just sat here so hurt by that. I've had such a rotten time of things, and it's like I'm being punished for asking for some help. I wanted a couple of hours to myself but now he's taken her off for the day and had he said - 'come on luv, let's all get dressed, how about we go into 'York' for the day' - I would have said, 'alright yeah that sounds lovely'. That would have cheered me right up and would have been a lovely way to spend Saturday.

Feels like a slap in the face. When I said on the text back to him - I would have liked to have done that. He replied, it wasn't on purpose, she was napping so he kept driving and that's where he ended up.

Maybe I'm just being unreasonable. Feeling really depressed at the moment and quite sorry for myself that I always get the shit end of everything.

Moreover, he left at 11am and it's now 2pm - so not the hour out of the house he originally said and I have no idea when he's planning on coming back. He has to respond to my text asking.

I'm just sat here, alone, sad, depressed not knowing when they will be back. I just wanted an hour to myself and instead I get this.

@Hobbi

@StirredNotShaken00 has explained much better than I could a couple of posts down from mine.

I know men sometimes do the wrong thing with the best of intentions. OP doesn’t feel like that’s what’s happening here and she knows him. None of us does.

I’d be hurt and frustrated but know I was being unreasonable. I’d also suspect at some level it was to piss me off. At some level. But then I’d get over it and do the above! Days don’t always go to plan, arguments happen but rationally speaking this is quite a good result

HAS NO-ON NOTICED HE'S COME BACK AND IT'S ALL RESOLVED??

How hard is it to read the OP's updates? Seriously?

Yes but this is MN. All men are devil incarnate so we have to make sure we shout that from the rooftops.

Guilty as charged no I missed that 😂

Glad all is ok op

Glad you’re feeling better. Take care of yourself X

This post is spot on

@Daytrip2

I'm glad DH is back & everyone is happier.

Fwiw, I don't think YABU, I get it & can feel your sadness & need for connection.

I can also see why your DH might have made this choice, so don't think he's being completely UR either.

Everyone is home now & hope the evening is a good one.

I'm very sorry for your loss 💐 it's just so tough

You asked for time to yourself your getting it yet he's now done the wrong thing, sounds like he can't win either way.

Glad you cleared the air OP, last thing you need right now is ructions at home. Send him for the new bin tomorrow though, don't let him off the hook 😉

I voted YABU because you wanted him to take her out. He was already going out before the dog incident. He let you know he'll be gone longer.
I do really feel for you though. Sometimes when we're feeling down it's difficult to know what sort of support we need. You opted for the 'I need some space/time alone' when what you really wanted was him to make you feel better.
So, now you have this time, it feels tainted, so you can't enjoy it.
If it was me, I'd have a good cry, tell myself he's not a mind reader and when he comes back, tell him that in hindsight you would have really enjoyed a day out, maybe next w/e.

@Daytrip2 You are not going crazy. I don’t think it’s a case of “poor bloke can’t win” and I would also feel sad if I were in your shoes. He knew you would be upset if he went to “York” without you and it’s disingenuous to say he was just giving you space like you asked. Say, for example, he liked football - bet he would be upset if you took your little one to a football game without him under the guise of giving you space.

Mumsnet never fails to embarass me as a woman

Can you imagine if the genders were flipped ..

Grieving husband just lost his parent, hes been stuck at home depressed and responsible for a baby 24/7, with no emotional support
Wife comes home to "take over" and let the husband get some rest but instead
Wife starts raging about the dog getting in the bin, directs her anger at husband who has done nothing wrong , makes bitchy comments like "well it's ok if you do itttt"
Then she storms out of the house with the baby and texts husband
" we are not in the town centre actually, I've driven hours away to that place I said I'd take you bye"
And now husband has so much adrenaline from the dog situation and wife going away he can't even rest anymore.
Not to mention, a bit concerned about a raging, impulsive weirdo driving hours away with your baby and you dont quite know where they are.

Woooo I can imagine the comments now "your wife is a bxtch/cow/crazy/selfish"
"Oh poor OP I'm so sorry, your wife is completely ih the wrong YANBU!"

Let's not normalise abusive behaviour mumsnetters
Alot of you have no empathy for women but would lick the ass and tears if this was a man posting
And I don't think any of you are able to recognise narcissism, because this is all classic classic CLASSIC narc behaviour
They can not STAND someone else being in pain or being vulnerable because it takes attention off of them
And he is punishing OP because she dared to ask him to look after his own child..

So whenever you are grieving, depressed or weakened in anyway, expect a NARC to make your situation even more unbearable with their B.S.
And create stupid arguments out of thin air, that will leave you bewildered.

Sorry OP but this will never end, your husband is defective and I'm really sorry about your parent passing, you must be exhausted emotionally and physically, if its possible could you pay someone to come to your home and babysit?

I think you're being a little controlling in that you wanted him to go out - but you only wanted him to go to a particular place for a particular amount of time.

It's sounds like you're having a really difficult time right now and not coping great and want to feel things are under your control a little. I think you just both need to communicate a little better. Ask him if you can go out to the same place next week and he can show you round a bit since he's already been and maybe have a bit of lunch there. Plan how to make things better between you and some nice things you can do together and then talk to him about it.

He didn't do anything wrong. He probably thought the little one would wake up as soon as he got home, so he kept on driving.

I absolutely and totally disagree with you, and having lived with a narcissist for 25 years I am often the first to call narc.

You have put your on take/spin on the whole situation when you have no idea what his motivation is. You literally make stuff up; " We are not in the town centre actually, I've driven hours away to that place I said I'd take you bye". This message is not what happened at all, OP doesn't even say that he said he'd take her, they'd just talked about going but not got round to it. Him going there first does not in any way prevent them going together at any point in the future or stop her going there alone if she wanted to.

You seem to completely have missed the point that she asked him to go out because she wanted time alone, how was he to know that she meant only to a specific place and only for a specific amount of time?

Except that your story is dystopian fiction and not what happened….

Don’t be ridiculous. Her dh works away at times which she says can’t be helped, she asked for time to herself and it’s certainly not Disney dad because the child is a baby and will be no more excited by a walk round York than a walk round an industrial park.

None of this bears any relation to what the OP said. Stop projecting.

I think the fact that he came back so quickly shows he meant no harm

OP I understand, I've been in that position twice now. The truth is that in the immediate aftermath sometimes you just don't know what you want. Actually what you want is for that parent to still be alive (and if they were very ill, well again) and anything else is just noise.

All I can offer is to say be kind to yourself. DH can clearly entertain the toddler, so let him. Whether that's at home or going out. Recognise that not knowing what you want and everything being wrong is hard on a partner. But it sounds like deep down you have a good relationship and if you keep communicating you'll come through this as a partnership.

I feel very sorry for you. He has done a nice thing and defused a situation. You are obviously low my lovely. Have a really nice bath and put a funny podcast on

And I've lived with narcissists all my life in family and relationships, i can sniff the behaviour from a 100 miles away , so the fact that you didn't pick it up means diddly

I was saying IMAGINE if the genders were reversed, it was a scenario that i made up to give an example,
The details don't have to be exact to the OP, to make my point

The fact is that the husband stormed off with the baby and went to a place OP wanted to go to, it is a petty punishing tactic used by narcs

And after he had his narc tantrum he came back with a manic smile and a pathetic Christmas decoration to win OP back again, manipulation
because narcs never apologise
Should have came back and said sorry for shouting at her, because the dog went in the bin

This is batshit (especially "he's a teat" 🤣).

Thanks for the username inspiration, though.

This is my dream - time to myself?! YABU