Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH taking toddler on day trip not the supermarket as he said

153 replies

Daytrip2 · 12/11/2022 14:14

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not, but I am feeling pretty hurt to be honest.

So I've had a really horrible time recently. Wave after wave of crisis. Big stuff. And throughout it all I've been pretty much 100% left to deal with childcare, which has been really tough. DH works away at times, can't be helped.

So this morning DH says he's going to take the baby for a walk in the pram down in our local village, to give me some space (after I'd asked him for some time to myself).

10 minutes before he leaves the house - our dog has broken into the bin. He's fuming about it. He says - right I'm going to buy us a new bin, where should I go? I said supermarket - get one from Argos. We're in a bit of a fight at this stage because he has properly lost his ragged about the dog getting in the bin and I'm saying - I really don't need this right now. So he's like - oh so it's fine when you have a rant but not me. Maybe important because when he left it was on an argument. But anyway off he goes with the baby and in the car because he's going to the supermarket now.

I come upstairs to rest and about an hour later I get a text that he isn't in the supermarket buying a bin and he hasn't gone into our local village for a walk. He's gone to a picturesque town centre - think somewhere like York. A good 45 minute motorway drive away. Somewhere we've been planning to visit but haven't done so yet.

And I'm just sat here so hurt by that. I've had such a rotten time of things, and it's like I'm being punished for asking for some help. I wanted a couple of hours to myself but now he's taken her off for the day and had he said - 'come on luv, let's all get dressed, how about we go into 'York' for the day' - I would have said, 'alright yeah that sounds lovely'. That would have cheered me right up and would have been a lovely way to spend Saturday.

Feels like a slap in the face. When I said on the text back to him - I would have liked to have done that. He replied, it wasn't on purpose, she was napping so he kept driving and that's where he ended up.

Maybe I'm just being unreasonable. Feeling really depressed at the moment and quite sorry for myself that I always get the shit end of everything.

Moreover, he left at 11am and it's now 2pm - so not the hour out of the house he originally said and I have no idea when he's planning on coming back. He has to respond to my text asking.

I'm just sat here, alone, sad, depressed not knowing when they will be back. I just wanted an hour to myself and instead I get this.

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 12/11/2022 15:33

Sorry for your loss ❤ you're not being unreasonable or ridiculous. Ignore. Hope you're okay x

FurryFace22 · 12/11/2022 15:33

Yanbu op, it feels like it was done out of spite not care? If he'd gone off and said take some time to yourself, relax I'll take baby out for the day then fine. To go off in a strop then end up somewhere you've spoken about wanting to visit without you is spiteful.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

aeon418 · 12/11/2022 15:36

SkylightSkylight · 12/11/2022 14:47

@Daytrip2

youre definitely not being unreasonable!!

there's are a lot of posters who don't seem to understand how abandoned you've felt. You've been left to deal with everything, practically & emotionally.

The dog gets into the bin & he throws a monumental strop, says you're allowed to rant but not him & storms out the house.

He then goes for a drive with the baby, instead of to Tesco. He decides to have a nice day out with the baby, without you (instead of the hour of peace), he could have gone & got the bloody bin & called you to ask if you fancied a drive out to 'York' and picked you up.

hrs a moody, unsupportive twat.

jesus, if he can't be supportive when your parent has just died (so very sorry, it's a dreadful thing to go through. ). Then thats very very shit & I'd be wondering what I was doing in this relationship! I'd put it on the slow burn though as losing a parent is enough to cope with just now!

im sorry so many people have told you you're being unreasonable, you're really, really, not! Xx

This.
I am sorry for your loss.

Glitteratitar · 12/11/2022 15:39

It’s a sad world that many MN users live in when anything a man does they upsets a woman is deliberate and done with spite. How miserable it must be to live such an existence when your first response to something is to turn it into an act of manipulation.

Gingefringe · 12/11/2022 15:40

Take the dog for a walk.

FurryFace22 · 12/11/2022 15:46

Glitteratitar · 12/11/2022 15:39

It’s a sad world that many MN users live in when anything a man does they upsets a woman is deliberate and done with spite. How miserable it must be to live such an existence when your first response to something is to turn it into an act of manipulation.

No one's saying this but in the context given by the op, when they had argued it does seem to be a spiteful or at the very best an inconsiderate action by her "dh"

Sirzy · 12/11/2022 15:48

FurryFace22 · 12/11/2022 15:46

No one's saying this but in the context given by the op, when they had argued it does seem to be a spiteful or at the very best an inconsiderate action by her "dh"

Show quote history

Or conversely very considerate to give her the time she needs and to allow some space for all to calm down.

op hopefully you can use this time for you to do whatever you need to help you through this horrible time

Glitteratitar · 12/11/2022 15:49

FurryFace22 · 12/11/2022 15:46

No one's saying this but in the context given by the op, when they had argued it does seem to be a spiteful or at the very best an inconsiderate action by her "dh"

Show quote history

Inconsiderate is one thing. We can all be inconsiderate with the best of intentions. But it’s the suggestions that he did it deliberately to punish her. Such scepticism is unhealthy and tbh, in my experience, those who accuse others of negative behaviour tend to jump to those conclusions because they behave the same themselves.

Onnabugeisha · 12/11/2022 15:50

FurryFace22 · 12/11/2022 15:46

No one's saying this but in the context given by the op, when they had argued it does seem to be a spiteful or at the very best an inconsiderate action by her "dh"

Show quote history

No it doesn’t. It’s not a crime to have fun with your baby while mum is at home having the time to herself she wanted and asked for. The dog & bin drama is completely irrelevant. The whole idea man and baby should be miserable while out, that’s advising letting the drama spoil your whole day and take a bad mood out on an innocent child.

PeekAtYou · 12/11/2022 15:50

I think that this is one of those times that whatever your h does would piss you off. Not because you're a bitch but because you're in a situation where you are under so much stress that everything appears skewed and shit. If he'd said "Let's go to York" , is there a chance you'd be angry that he hadn't listened to you saying wanted some time alone ?

Some people show love by doing things (Google love languages ) Taking baby out would be a way of showing this if your h is like this that. He was wildly out of order about the bin but is there a chance that he has good intentions ? You know you're h best but as a neutral party, he's not unreasonable to take you at your word and take the baby out so you have a proper break.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP.

Cuppasoupmonster · 12/11/2022 15:51

Glitteratitar · 12/11/2022 15:49

Inconsiderate is one thing. We can all be inconsiderate with the best of intentions. But it’s the suggestions that he did it deliberately to punish her. Such scepticism is unhealthy and tbh, in my experience, those who accuse others of negative behaviour tend to jump to those conclusions because they behave the same themselves.

Show quote history

I agree. There’s a lot of ‘reading malicious intent’ into everything on MN, you can never take anything at face value as there’s always a hidden micro-aggression or controlling element to it. Usually if it’s a man of course. It’s really unhealthy, negative and paranoid.

converseandjeans · 12/11/2022 15:53

You asked him for some time out and he's given you some time out. A very easy YABU for me!

Agree with this 👆🏻

AlmostOver22 · 12/11/2022 15:53

He’s being really shitty IMO. And if you try and challenge him on it, he’ll just do what everyone else on here is doing - he’ll tell you that you should be grateful. But he knows what he’s doing… how he’s trying to make you feel. And he’s making it hard for you to challenge him on it. If you want to play him at his game you could be out when he gets back… probably not the right thing to do though. Just be honest: “I don’t feel supported by what you did. I expect you knew I wouldn’t”.

Cuppasoupmonster · 12/11/2022 15:55

What are you talking about @AlmostOver22 ? She asked for space. What do you think he should’ve done?

Newmum0322 · 12/11/2022 15:55

I know how you feel! I do feel for you. When you’re in the thick of it you don’t want to plan a day out, but the fact he has done that without you feels like you’re missing out… but it is irrational. But that doesn’t make you and irrational person. Me and my partner are the same, he has to work in the week and whilst I was on may leave I just wanted an hour to myself. That’s all. But he’d always take her to places I wanted to go 😂😂 like couldn’t he do one of the boring things I’m forced to do during the week. I realised I was jealous that he was having fun whilst I wasn’t… it seems silly, but I though ‘why can’t I do that?’ And it’s because I DO EVERYTHING ELSE!!

So you’re not unreasonable. You could argue that you could have organised it, why shouldn’t he enjoy himself while you’re having a break, why shouldn’t the baby have a nice day out. But the truth is, it feels like you get the shit during the week and he got the glory at the weekend! It might be ‘irrational’ but it comes from a genuine place!

I hope you’re feeling ok despite this, life is hard. Especially with a young baby, I’m there myself!! Take the time. Have a glass of wine and a bath, put the headphones in. When he’s home tell him he’s doing dinner, the dishes and putting the baby to bed. Fucker.

Hobbi · 12/11/2022 15:56

AlmostOver22 · 12/11/2022 15:53

He’s being really shitty IMO. And if you try and challenge him on it, he’ll just do what everyone else on here is doing - he’ll tell you that you should be grateful. But he knows what he’s doing… how he’s trying to make you feel. And he’s making it hard for you to challenge him on it. If you want to play him at his game you could be out when he gets back… probably not the right thing to do though. Just be honest: “I don’t feel supported by what you did. I expect you knew I wouldn’t”.

How is doing precisely what the OP wanted, including what was best for baby, possibly construed as 'being shitty'? Should he have bought the bin and sat in the carpark with the child until his hour was up?

Moveoverdarlin · 12/11/2022 15:59

Sometimes blokes feel as they can’t win. You wanted time to yourself, you’ve got that. His argument would be ‘so I’m only allowed to go to the shop or somewhere pre approved by you?’ Let them enjoy the day, make the most of the peace and quiet and if he says ‘York’ was good, then go again in a few weeks.

StirredNotShaken00 · 12/11/2022 16:00

No it doesn’t. It’s not a crime to have fun with your baby while mum is at home having the time to herself she wanted and asked for. The dog & bin drama is completely irrelevant. The whole idea man and baby should be miserable while out, that’s advising letting the drama spoil your whole day and take a bad mood out on an innocent child

No of course it's not a crime but in the context given by the op the dog and bin drama were relevant to her and is the basis in which he left the house. If he'd sent a text afterwards saying sorry we argued I'll give you some space and take baby out for the day, you relax and enjoy yourself then I'm sure the op would've felt differently.

Ultimately only the op and her dh know the dynamics in their communication and relationship. From an outsiders point of view it doesn't look like a supportive reaction IMO 🤷‍♀️

handstich1 · 12/11/2022 16:00

Men aren't that clever, he's not punishing you. He's in a strop and gone into man cave mode, baby is just tag along as he has to make no conversation.

YANBU.

Reading between the lines, it sounds you just need a hug and someone to care for you, he's not doing that. I think you need to tell him that's what you need. Perhaps he steps up and pays for child care and takes you out, makes you feel special. Men are shit at picking up on feelings, so you need to spell it out to him, meanwhile make sure you're booking to speak to someone for your loss, either a family or friend or a Counsellor.

Sorry for your loss.

When an adult loses a parent its a horrible loss, and you need not only time to grieve but someone to hold and get you through it.

Mlb123 · 12/11/2022 16:00

I totally get it. Keeping on driving can make sense, but to end up at the place the op and family were planning to go together does seem suspect and it is potentially one of those situations where a person knows the other person will be hurt but as it's in line with something that the other person has asked for.

They know if they say anything they can say they were doing what they asked for. Yes the op is getting a break, but her dp could have text long before he was at the place. The fact he didn't could also be so that it was already a fait accomple when he let the op know and therefore she couldbt choose whether to go with then or ask him not to go there until they visit together . I hope the op can enjoy some of her break , but to be honest it's already been ruined for her and she's not been made to feel better at all xxx

Cuppasoupmonster · 12/11/2022 16:01

He took them to a local small city, not the Maldives.

Onnabugeisha · 12/11/2022 16:02

StirredNotShaken00 · 12/11/2022 16:00

No it doesn’t. It’s not a crime to have fun with your baby while mum is at home having the time to herself she wanted and asked for. The dog & bin drama is completely irrelevant. The whole idea man and baby should be miserable while out, that’s advising letting the drama spoil your whole day and take a bad mood out on an innocent child

No of course it's not a crime but in the context given by the op the dog and bin drama were relevant to her and is the basis in which he left the house. If he'd sent a text afterwards saying sorry we argued I'll give you some space and take baby out for the day, you relax and enjoy yourself then I'm sure the op would've felt differently.

Ultimately only the op and her dh know the dynamics in their communication and relationship. From an outsiders point of view it doesn't look like a supportive reaction IMO 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think the dog and bin were relevant at all to the context.

You can’t text while driving? That is a crime! And isn’t it obvious that that is what he has done? Why the need for a text? 🤨

iloveyankeecandle · 12/11/2022 16:04

Wow. My husband would never drive our kids that far. He doesn't even take them to the supermarket 15 mins away. But if you said you needed an hour to
Yourself, you
Got that and a bit more. I'd be happy. His location was crap but you can go another time.

Americano75 · 12/11/2022 16:06

Honestly, I'm not sure if anyone is being unreasonable here. What I do think is that you need a bit of a hug, which is what I'm sending now. Hope things get better for you soon.

Curtayne · 12/11/2022 16:07

Sorry for your loss OP, I lost a parent recently and even though we didn't have the best relationship it's still really hard especially when you have to keep going business as usual for your child. Unless he is often manipulative and purposefully hurtful he probably thought he was doing as you asked- giving you some space. Now he's home I'd just say can we go together soon.