DH taking toddler on day trip not the supermarket as he said

[Daytrip2]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not, but I am feeling pretty hurt to be honest.

So I've had a really horrible time recently. Wave after wave of crisis. Big stuff. And throughout it all I've been pretty much 100% left to deal with childcare, which has been really tough. DH works away at times, can't be helped.

So this morning DH says he's going to take the baby for a walk in the pram down in our local village, to give me some space (after I'd asked him for some time to myself).

10 minutes before he leaves the house - our dog has broken into the bin. He's fuming about it. He says - right I'm going to buy us a new bin, where should I go? I said supermarket - get one from Argos. We're in a bit of a fight at this stage because he has properly lost his ragged about the dog getting in the bin and I'm saying - I really don't need this right now. So he's like - oh so it's fine when you have a rant but not me. Maybe important because when he left it was on an argument. But anyway off he goes with the baby and in the car because he's going to the supermarket now.

I come upstairs to rest and about an hour later I get a text that he isn't in the supermarket buying a bin and he hasn't gone into our local village for a walk. He's gone to a picturesque town centre - think somewhere like York. A good 45 minute motorway drive away. Somewhere we've been planning to visit but haven't done so yet.

And I'm just sat here so hurt by that. I've had such a rotten time of things, and it's like I'm being punished for asking for some help. I wanted a couple of hours to myself but now he's taken her off for the day and had he said - 'come on luv, let's all get dressed, how about we go into 'York' for the day' - I would have said, 'alright yeah that sounds lovely'. That would have cheered me right up and would have been a lovely way to spend Saturday.

Feels like a slap in the face. When I said on the text back to him - I would have liked to have done that. He replied, it wasn't on purpose, she was napping so he kept driving and that's where he ended up.

Maybe I'm just being unreasonable. Feeling really depressed at the moment and quite sorry for myself that I always get the shit end of everything.

Moreover, he left at 11am and it's now 2pm - so not the hour out of the house he originally said and I have no idea when he's planning on coming back. He has to respond to my text asking.

I'm just sat here, alone, sad, depressed not knowing when they will be back. I just wanted an hour to myself and instead I get this.

He should have spoken to you but I'd enjoy having the childfree time. Remind him that he still needs to get a new bin in case he's forgotten.

@ZooMemories are you saying her partner can't take the baby out? She asked for space, she got it, what exactly has he done wrong?

You asked him to take the child out for a few hours, he has done. Going to the supermarket for a new bin wouldn't have given you the break you asked for.

@Daytrip2

youre definitely not being unreasonable!!

there's are a lot of posters who don't seem to understand how abandoned you've felt. You've been left to deal with everything, practically & emotionally.

The dog gets into the bin & he throws a monumental strop, says you're allowed to rant but not him & storms out the house.

He then goes for a drive with the baby, instead of to Tesco. He decides to have a nice day out with the baby, without you (instead of the hour of peace), he could have gone & got the bloody bin & called you to ask if you fancied a drive out to 'York' and picked you up.

hrs a moody, unsupportive twat.

jesus, if he can't be supportive when your parent has just died (so very sorry, it's a dreadful thing to go through. ). Then thats very very shit & I'd be wondering what I was doing in this relationship! I'd put it on the slow burn though as losing a parent is enough to cope with just now!

im sorry so many people have told you you're being unreasonable, you're really, really, not! Xx

You said you needed some space. It is hard to busy yourself for long at the supermarket so he’s made a day of it. It will be great bonding time for him and LO and you get a few hours peace. That sounds perfect. You have a choice here - mope about it or make the most of it.

I mean this kindly as you sound really sad but maybe he needs time away a bit too and just felt like doing it?

I would try to enjoy the day, give them both a big hug when they get home and start the evening together afresh.

Eh? You wanted some time for yourself and you got it, I don't see a problem here?
Just enjoy your time.
There will be plenty of other days out.

YABU. Perhaps understandable, as most of us are guilty of Being irrational when we’ve got a lot on our plate. But it comes across as “I want space and time alone but I don’t want you to enjoy giving it to me”. I hope you feel better soon. Try and enjoy the rest of your afternoon.

100% agree with skylight. This is definitely not you being unreasonable. He's being purposefully vindictive going out for a lovely day trip without you. Somewhere he knows you'd love to go. After HE lost it bait the bin. He's punishing you for daring to ask for "help" with his own baby and some much needed time (an hour, not a full day) to yourself. Horrible. Other people won't see it because you have to have been there. Sending you love and hugs lass. I was married to one of these, total manchild who just got worse and worse. He is an ex now and was always doing nasty things like this. Passive aggression. Try to do something nice for yourself but definitely this is not you. You poor love.

You've got the day to yourself, he's got some one on one with the bairn. Make the most of it rather than mulling. Have something to eat and do what you want. Have a bath and a sleep maybe or go for a child free walk.

I'm sorry for your loss. It doesnt sound premeditated or anything. You're understandably up in the air. Just take it as a breather and try not to row when he gets back.

This so reminds me of when DH took our baby out ‘for a bit’ when I was on the absolute edge with sleep deprivation. I was thinking a push round the local park, go to a coffee shop type thing. Then I saw a story on Instagram of the pram at Camden Lock. I was fuming. ‘YOU TOOK HIM TO FUCKING CAMDEN?!’ and instead of sleeping I was just stropping about 🤣

Now I think why was I so annoyed about it? Partly because I was so so tired that everything was magnified but also, I had a rough picture in my mind of where they’d be and it bothered me that it had gone so off piste. And also I really like to go to Camden 😂

So while I don’t think you’re being reasonable here OP, I just wanted you to know that I totally get it.

@Tessabelle74

He caused a massive row about the dog getting in the bin & stormed off supposedly to get a bin (not before being horrible to her about him not being allowed to rant, but she is?!?! Her parent has just died, v the dog got in the bin). She's been coping physically & mentally alone & had no support from him.

He has driven off with their baby on a nice day out, somewhere they'd planned to go together, leaving his grieving wife home alone all day. Offered no support or love when she's most needed it!

That's just for starters!

Best reply!

You wanted time to yourself, he gave you time to yourself. YABU

Have a rest, ask if he can stop for a bin on the way back, arrange a trip to picturesque town in the future.

Ignore the poll results Daytrip2, people will have voted after reading only your first post and will not know that you're fragile right now after losing a parent.

I can't see myself ever feeling hurt for the reasons you are.

He had a rant over something quite normal to be pissed off at.

You got annoyed he's pissed off because you've also had a difficult time. He is also allowed to feel annoyed.

You wanted a break. He's given you a break and longer than you requested.

I think you need to deal with the feelings you have because of what you've dealt with or your going to end up with your relationship deteriorating if DH can't do right for wrong.

This is lunacy.

I’m sorry to hear you have lost a parent. When I lost my dad I was utterly exhausted and DH didn’t seem to get it. My two were primary aged and they spent a week with the in-laws as it was schools hold and already planned. I was signed off sick (due to bereavement) and spent an entire week in bed. Can you arrange for your DH to give you more of a break while you grieve but pre-planned so you aren’t annoyed and stressed out?

YANBU.

When you're going through Big Things, like the loss of a parent is, plus you're doing all the house drudgery and the childcare, youre worn down and grieving, without much chance to get energy levels up.

If he was going to help you, rather than help himself, he'd have got the bin (and anything else needed from the supermarket, come home and put a wash on, done some hoovering and made a meal, while looking after DC so you can sleep. Instead he goes on a day trip.

I think the issue is that you want emotional connection with your husband and to be moving closer towards eachother rather than further apart. I would also be very hurt if my husband did that, and I imagine that your DH will be able to trot out the 'but you said that you wanted space' cop out. I'd put money on it that he knew exactly what he was doing and orchestrated it to make a hurtful point. You are really feeling that sense of abandonment and alienation from your partner and are hardly going to hop into the bath with a face mask and glass of wine when you know that today's time alone wasn't designed for that. I would be hurt and am surprised so many mumsnetters cannot see the subtext here. Actually I'm not.

I hope you're OK OP, I get it.

Having lost a parent myself I would say that anything your DH does or doesn't do is going to be wrong even if they do as you ask.

Yeah, somewhere he fancies going - without him.

If anybody think that sounds mean, then I hope you voted YANBU.

I can't vote but still think she's being unreasonable.

And I also lost a parent this year, watched my sons degenerative condition get worse and had major surgery. Actually all that's happened since the middle of the year.

I still don't think my own struggles mean no one else can have a rant or that the DH has done anything wrong as she wanted space.

@SkylightSkylight so he's not allowed to rant too then? Is it only women allowed to do that without BU? He didn't storm out, he left after SHE asked for space. His explanation for being out longer seems reasonable, does she have to explain if she's out longer or would that be a reason to LTB? Blokes get all the double standards on here don't they? As long as he gets a bin before he gets home, she's BU.