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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Husband converted to Islam

592 replies

newbookonshelf · 12/11/2022 08:46

What would you make of this? Not sure what I'm asking. He's trying to find himself I suppose. We're all looking for meaning in this world. I've thought about religion many times, but just not sure what to make of it right now.

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 12/11/2022 13:12

I'm amazed by how many say it would be a dealbreaker.. this is the man you LOVE?
I live in a multicultural area, people are good whatever their religion..
I'm Christian myself but believe there's only one God known by many names. He loves us all. Simples! That's my view, anyway.

Emmamoo89 · 12/11/2022 13:12

Sparkletastic · 12/11/2022 09:15

It would be a deal breaker for me but that's because I am atheist.

Same

Lampedsomeoiks · 12/11/2022 13:13

Is he going to impose and try to enforce his beliefs on you and the rest of your family?

That would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

snowbellsxox · 12/11/2022 13:15

I don't see too much of an issue with it
Depends on what he wants to follow, obviously nothing to extreme but it's a faith

OneTC · 12/11/2022 13:16

lawofselfish · 12/11/2022 13:08

Are you ginger? You seem offended.

I am ginger and I noticed the phenomenon a few years ago which lead to me googling, where I saw other people had also noticed.

It's definitely a thing, deny it or not.

I'm disputing the 70%+ figure because it's obviously bullshit.

I'm not ginger no

MrsThimbles · 12/11/2022 13:16

There's a negative connotation because of the media but if he follows Islam properly, he will be an even better husband, father, son, brother, colleague and so on

That would very much depend on how he would react for example to the OP perhaps not wanting any part of his new found faith.

They are both going to have to be strong enough to accept the changes this will undoubtedly bring about in their life and they could very well end up apart.

As a Muslim I think it’s naive to think him becoming a Muslim will only be a positive experience for those around him. The reality is that it could also be earth shattering.

IlikeYourSmile · 12/11/2022 13:16

Lampedsomeoiks · 12/11/2022 13:13

Is he going to impose and try to enforce his beliefs on you and the rest of your family?

That would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

I think he might be pressured to show his serious commitment to the faith by ensuring his women and daughters cover up, if he had a son he must be circumcised and so on.
Someone up thread said the wife first started covering up her hair out of respect for her convert husband and his new friends but then he pushed for more Islamic rules compliance.

lawofselfish · 12/11/2022 13:17

OneTC · 12/11/2022 13:10

"We sampled national newspaper coverage of white converts to radical Islam published between 5 August 2013 and 4 August 2014, excluding cases where there was no evidence of extremism or radicalisation. For example, Lucy Vallender, the ginger-haired Territorial Army private who had a sex change and became Britain’s first transgender Muslim woman, was excluded from our results.

We discovered that 76 per cent of white British converts to radical Islam had red hair. In the Daily Mail archives, 69 per cent of white Brits lured into jihadism or the orbit of an extremist preacher were ginger. The number was similar for the Mirror and the Telegraph. The Guardian yielded a full 100 per cent redhead rate for the stories we sampled."

This is the science you're quoting

Where's your research that says it's bullshit?

OneTC · 12/11/2022 13:18

You're the one making the claim, back it up with something that wasn't a joke article

Wbeezer · 12/11/2022 13:19

Sorry to derail from the main point of the thread. I've just looked at that article, a lot of recycled myths and suppositions. For a start, a significant number of the photos show mən with reddish beards but nondescript hair, many men with brown hair have reddish beards they will not have had been bullied for having red hair as a child. I have some expertise in this with redhaired sons myself and redbearded male relatives.

Snugglemonkey · 12/11/2022 13:19

I would not think that the compatibility was there anymore. I am an atheist. I really do not like organised religion at all and I cannot see myself being with someone who has a strong belief. I would not appreciate someone bringing religion into my home, or around my children. It is irrelevant to me which religion, I just view them all as instruments of oppression. It would make me so uncomfortable. I think it would fundamentally affect how I viewed them.

magma32 · 12/11/2022 13:19

speakout · 12/11/2022 13:01

OP did you have an islamic wedding?
Does your OH's new religion recognise his marriage?

Most Islamic scholars consider the legal British marriage as valid. Especially when some men refuse to divorce their wives per Islam, as long as the women get their legal divorce then that is a divorce in Islam, removing the power from abusive men. Sadly lots of women in the U.K. are encouraged (by men) to only have an Islamic ceremony which carries no legal weight here. In Islam, marriage is meant to give women rights which is why it’s a legal contract in many countries, they have rights to property, maintenance especially if the man is abusive, broken contracts etc so the courts take over. Over here women go to sharia courts for help but they can’t enforce anything so many do what they like. So one can actually argue a non legal Islamic ceremony in the U.K. is actually less islamic than a legal secular one. You’re meant to follow the law of the land in Islam but sadly many think dodgy kangaroo court (sharia court) rulings are Islamic, conveniently it’s women who lose out as the law in this country doesn’t recognise them as wives so are essentially just girlfriends which isn’t allowed in Islam for that very reason -offers no protection or commitment from the man. But people (men) don’t like talking about that.

DrAliceHamilton · 12/11/2022 13:21

There's a negative connotation because of the media but if he follows Islam properly, he will be an even better husband, father, son, brother, colleague and so on

It depends what you mean by "follow Islam properly". A fair number of Muslims would think that following Islam properly would make his marriage to an agnostic haram, which definitely wouldn't make him a better husband to the OP. There is no one definitive way of being a Muslim.

MrsThimbles · 12/11/2022 13:21

HikingforScenery · 12/11/2022 12:37

Apart from him maybe attending mosques on Fridays and praying, which you won’t be joining in, I’d imagine it shouldn’t affect your relationship that much.

Unless your were both members of a religion and he changed his, which isn’t the same here.

Please speak to him and take time to listen. That post about how long it took him and it’s been since he ( or reverted, I think that’s the Islam terminology?) is very useful.

I know various families with one parent a Muslim, and the other of another religion or atheist. They work together just fine.

All the best

Islam is a way of life. It’s not just about attending the Mosque on a Friday and performing daily prayers. There are guidelines for everything - even table manners and the etiquette of eating. Even going to the bathroom is covered by guidelines. You couldn’t live with a practicing Muslim and only be reminded they’re a Muslim at prayer times or on a Friday at lunchtime.

I really wish people wouldn’t reduce the faith to those two aspects of it.

magma32 · 12/11/2022 13:22

MrsThimbles · 12/11/2022 13:16

There's a negative connotation because of the media but if he follows Islam properly, he will be an even better husband, father, son, brother, colleague and so on

That would very much depend on how he would react for example to the OP perhaps not wanting any part of his new found faith.

They are both going to have to be strong enough to accept the changes this will undoubtedly bring about in their life and they could very well end up apart.

As a Muslim I think it’s naive to think him becoming a Muslim will only be a positive experience for those around him. The reality is that it could also be earth shattering.

This is really true. When my brother became more ‘practising’ he was a real pain in the arse to live with. And we’re all Muslim here and not less devout than he was but he really thought he was some authority over us. Thankfully he’s sorted himself out since or his wife has sorted him out haha.

mamacattiva · 12/11/2022 13:26

As a Muslim I would say to keep an eye on who he is listening to/what he is reading. Certain sects are well known for targeting males who are interested in learning about Islam and they get swept up in a whole load of fabricated hadiths and mistruths.

steakart · 12/11/2022 13:26

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Dguu6u · 12/11/2022 13:26

I'd be very concerned because of their views of women.

Cosmos123 · 12/11/2022 13:32

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For some they find the religion is spiritual
And not ALL Muslim.men treat women bad in the same way not ALL atheist, Christian,Hindu, Sikh and Jewish men treat women great.

So stop being a hater.

Rinatinabina · 12/11/2022 13:33

I would be worried about the zealotry of a convert (irrelevant which religion). Especially if he starts feeling that as a husband and father he’s obliged to “guide you”.

magma32 · 12/11/2022 13:33

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As you’re such an expert I’m surprised you haven’t heard of Sufism 🙄

Againstmachine · 12/11/2022 13:38

There's a negative connotation because of the media but if he follows Islam properly, he will be an even better husband, father, son, brother, colleague and so on

Absolute rubbish, so you are literally saying Muslims are better than everyone else.

If someone is shitty they are like that irrelevant of any religion. But some people use religion to be shitty to women and I'm not just talking about Islam here.

To be honest this post feels like a journalist fishing but that's just me.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 12/11/2022 13:41

One thing that really stands out on this thread is the widespread prejudice against the perception of a Muslim woman.

So many ignorant comments about how badly Muslim women are treated.

Do any of you stop for a moment to realise you are part of the problem by perceiving all Muslim women as one?

Is it really such a difficult concept to understand that in every community and culture some people will treat women badly and others won’t?

After all the threads on the relationship boards talking about how badly British men are treating their British wives - no one goes around saying ‘oh I’d hate to be white British, their men just cocklodge and cheat’ - somehow here people manage to understand that these are individual situations.

Yet you refuse to apply the same logic to Muslim men and women?

I will tell you what one of the hardest things about being a Muslim woman is: the repeated encounters with the (usually white British) woman with a superiority complex, who assumes and behaves as though we are somehow oppressed, and refuses to understand that she should see each of us as an individual, despite demanding that right for herself.

Do some authentic research. Islam was the first to give women rights and honour them, centuries before the west, and continues to do so. If you don’t agree with the way of life then that’s your choice, but don’t patronise those of us who do choose it, our choices are just as valid as yours.

OneTC · 12/11/2022 13:45

Againstmachine · 12/11/2022 13:38

There's a negative connotation because of the media but if he follows Islam properly, he will be an even better husband, father, son, brother, colleague and so on

Absolute rubbish, so you are literally saying Muslims are better than everyone else.

If someone is shitty they are like that irrelevant of any religion. But some people use religion to be shitty to women and I'm not just talking about Islam here.

To be honest this post feels like a journalist fishing but that's just me.

I don't read it like that. Some people genuinely feel the need for guidance, and those people can lead "better" lives if they feel there's a purpose to it. That purpose is religion in this example but it's just a different form of self help.

To me there's no implicit superiority to my own position, which is that I don't need such a structure to guide me to be a good person

steakart · 12/11/2022 13:48

Islam does not allow a woman to divorce. You can request for a khula. But a man can refuse to grant you a divorce.
If a woman refuses to have sex with her husband, the angels curse her until she has sex. She has suppossed to have sex with her husband even if she is delivering a child.
Reading the koran can be an eye opener.