Husband converted to Islam

[newbookonshelf]

What would you make of this? Not sure what I'm asking. He's trying to find himself I suppose. We're all looking for meaning in this world. I've thought about religion many times, but just not sure what to make of it right now.

Is he's a vegan looking to find a religious label, I would have thought the Hare Krishna teachings would resonate with him most?

Dealbreaker for me as I'm an atheist.

Show me one Muslim nation that is a haven of peace, prosperity and where women have freedoms and rights

there are plenty and if you really did know what you were talking about you’d be aware of them.

me too.

I don't know what I'm talking about and want to know this. I genuinely thought they all had oppressive laws for women.

Which nation should I look at to exemplify that this is not the case?

Show me one Muslim nation that is a haven of peace, prosperity and where women have freedoms and rights

There is no such thing as a nation where everybody is leading peaceful prosperous lives and all women enjoy freedoms and rights. Every nation which appears to be doing well (including the UK) has oppressed and battered women, modern slaves, trafficked women etc.

But is there an Islamic nation where it's written in law that women are equal in rights?

I too would suggest some kind of cooling off period for both of you where you carry on with life as before and not much, if anything, is made of your husband conversion. Let him get used to praying and finding his way forward whilst you do the same, living the life you want. Give yourself 18 months or so, and yes it probably will be quite scary as your family’s future could be at stake. But most of all, please don’t become pregnant. Your child has to hear the call to prayer immediately after birth and I think it would only be then that you’d see if your husband was willing to be the only Muslim in the family (and not hold it against you and be a death knell on your marriage)

I know, but I have to basically give up any chance of having another baby. I took this risk getting with someone younger that he would change.

I can only speak for my Muslim friends in various countries (including ME ones) who are really assertive, independent and confident. That is not to say they all have perfect family relationships but it is not on account of them 'not knowing their place in Islam'.
I have to say that I am less convinced by the arguments some of them put forward for wearing the hijab (@It's my choice' etc) as some conditioning seems to be in place to choose not to feel the wind blowing through your hair. There is nothing about it which screams life affirming.

OP I have just read you are planning to have another baby. I think you maybe should wait first and see how things go, whilst he could be a relaxed muslim who uses common sense and not rigidly sticking to ‘sharia’ law and other rulings, there is also a chance he could go the other way and become a pain in the arse (I’m putting it nicely). There are many a scholars like the ones I mentioned above, who say a registered legal marriage counts as a marriage in the eyes of God but that’s common sense to me because I know how ridiculous it is trying to have a non legal contract when it was always intended to be legal. but the important thing is what your husband believes in and wants to stick to. I think as Muslims living in Britain we are naturally going to ‘sin’ because the sharia laws are for Islamic contexts where the Muslims are all having to follow it. Living in the U.K. and trying to follow Islamic inheritance laws for instance basically screws women over unlike in an Islamic country that practices this (not many actually do from what I’ve seen) because unlike in the Islamic context the woman will not inherit automatically from everyone else she’s supposed to to warrant the lower share from her husband. And that doesn’t even account for the fact the woman is making financial contributions over here etc. in sharia courts (the proper ones) the judge is meant to look at things case by case to make sure women aren’t being screwed over but that is not what is happening in the U.K., sharia courts and men are a law unto themselves, which makes any law redundant if it won’t be enforced which is why you see so many women in non registered marriages end up in shit’s creek. Anyway my point is if your husband is ok with ‘sinning’ that’s fine, I don’t think it’s sinning personally as I’m sure god understands you can’t operate two legal systems, one that isn’t even legally enforced, hence following the legal laws of the land you’re in. but if he starts feeling guilty that can really impact things so wait and see first is my advice. Chances are it may just be a thing he does in private or realises it’s not for him or it’s damaging your relationship and might just stop anyway but if he goes the other way you may have to prepare to leave him and I’m not sure bringing another child into uncertainty is a good idea.

Sorry I have just realised pp have said this already

I genuinely don't think I could continue a relationship with a religious person. Particularly not the 'recently converted' type who tend to be more fervent.

Nothing against Islam in particular. I'm just actively anti-organised religion and I don't think I could make enough allowances for that.

But is there an Islamic nation where it's written in law that women are equal in rights?

I would be interested to know this too as I'm not aware of any but happy to be educated.

Would you give it some time in my situation?

He's already peppering his messages with things like mashallah and it really doesn't resonate with me if I'm honest, quite the opposite in fact.

I converted to liberal judaism. My DH is very irreligious, basically agnostic and i don't think it has affected his life in any way (as liberal judaism allows people to choose the practices that are meaningful to them individually). We are close to his mother who is orthodox jewish (it is how i was exposed to judaism in a very intense way as we lived with her for 3 years before buying our place). So whatever i do pales in comparison with whatever she does.

And even though i had a liberal conversion, his mum accepts me as jewish (she is a convert herself so i guess she is more open minded to conversions from other denominations) and this has meant she has warmed to me a lot more. We have something in common which is great as we are otherwise very different people and it makes life a lot easier.

I can see if you don't have any connection to Islam in general, it can be worrying.

I am not sure about the posts mentioning missing bacon (OP is vegan anyway) or missing out on going topless on the beach (I don't know many people who do that these days!). I would be concerned about kids having to go to mosque school for several hours every day after they finish primary school as my neighbours' kids do. It seems tiring and means that they miss out on playing with friends/downtime (although those are perceived as being shallow pursuits!).
Certainly, if OP lives in a multicultural area then the schools may serve halal food anyway and there will be muslim children from all over the world ranging from moderate Albanians to the ultra religious wahabis.

I think people would be very surprised at the efforts made in some Middle Eastern countries to ensure that women are living their best life and not being held back by the teachings of the Quran. I live the life everyday and have done for more than 40 years. I’m the mother of young women and granddaughters, as well as aunt to tens of nieces living their best lives here at home. It’s not for me to defend or explain the country we live in (or the countries around us who share the same model) I know what’s fact and that’s all there is to it.

But then he's still planning xmas gifts. So I guess it's not going to be that big a deal?

I'm so confused.

I could well be being really out of order on him but I don't want to be with a religious person, I never signed up for it. I find it dumb, sorry but I just do.

I'm all for it for anyone else and all for people practising their religion but when faced with it it annoys me. Maybe that's just my own uncertainty and maybe I'm being horrible which wouldn't be the first time, I'm not perfect but it's irritating me.

Maybe the silly phrases will cease but I just find it all so silly. Okay you believe in God, lovely but why say mashallah all the bloody time. Ugh

Just make sure he doesn’t make you and any daughters you have start covering your heads. You can’t stop him if it’s what he wants - but don’t be browbeaten in to joining in.

Converts can often be very over zealous. If he gets very in to it you may find yourself married to a very different man.

"But is there an Islamic nation where it's written in law that women are equal in rights?"

No, not one that I'm aware of? But it's what you're conditioned to believe and accept, basically. That obviously applies to women everywhere.

Hi, yeah I wouldn't want to go topless in public, not my thing.

Also he knows I drink and actually have zero respect for Islam or any other religion and I reiterated this. There is no obligation for me to respect the religions themselves, just people's right to believe and practise them in their own time.

My fault for not stating I'm vegan earlier but it did tickle me how many people focused on bacon! I've not had bacon in two decades, well unless you count fakon which I like. ( I know it's not real bacon, that's the point)

But no he has said he won't be stipulating anything for us.

I think I just need to wait this out but what it's revealing in myself is intolerance but you know what, that's okay. I'm allowed to be intolerant of things in my life.

I really would like to see him try that.

Honestly, I'm well past this. I also told him if he wants to introduce me to any new Muslims he needs to be prepared for the fact I won't pretend that I like Islam because I don't. I'm indifferent to it but if I get interrogated on my deeper thoughts they aren't going to like it. I feel the same about all religions.

Well no he should not ask you to convert just because he is. And bringing up your child Muslim I feel that's a discussion you need to have with your husband.

As far as I'm aware a man has an Islamic duty to provide for his wife and kids and give them worldly, spiritual and moral education.

There is a lot of good in Islam which I feel you may not have not come across yet. For me I actually feel a sense of security for my family that I'm married to a Muslim. The security that he will not leave us, and always provide for his kids. Whatever he earns he is responsible to provide for the family with it, but whatever you will earn that's for yourself to keep , it's not your responsibility to provide for your family financially. Same goes for inheritance law...a girl inherits 1/4 and a boy inherits 1/2 because he has to provide his family with it but whatever the girl gets she keeps for herself and gets to chose how to use it.