Leaving step children out

[Esselra]

Can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or not?

OH and I share 4 girls, 2 mine (child 2 and 3) , 1 his (child 1 lives with her mum) and 1 together (child 4).

Ive numbered them as above 1 being the oldest and 4 being a baby.

He said last week that he wanted to take just his two out on Saturday (tomorrow) as he’s off work this weekend. I said that’s not fair we should be spending the time as a family and that the other two “mine” will wonder why they can’t go. He didn’t respond to that message and just left it there.

Well he said it again earlier today to which I said, I said the other day it isn’t fair, why are you only taking child 1 and child 4 and not the other two. He said because he’s off work and he wants to spend time with just child 1 and child 4 as he’s been at work a lot recently and hasn’t seen them as much (he has seen them) and that there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time with just them.

I sent him a message along the lines of “Don’t ever accuse me of excluding anyone when you have pretty much said that you don’t want to spend time with child 2&3. You can explain to child 2&3 why they can’t come tomorrow and see their faces. I would never dream of saying I only
want to spend time with child 2&3 in front of child 4.”

Have I blown it out of proportion?

Child 2 and 3 are normally at school/nursery most of the week and he often takes child 4 out to pick child 1 up from school and go out for a couple of hours which is perfectly fine as no one is being obviously excluded as they all go to different schools but I just find it odd that he would separate us up at the weekend?

Any other step parents have any advice?

What has any of that shite got to do with how her mum is behaving? Oh, none? Yes thought so.

That’s my bad, I meant to put child 1. If I said it to child 4 she’d probably just smile and go back to sleep 😂

That makes more sense! The thing is, you don’t need to do that as child 1 is not at your house every day. Be honest with yourself, if she was, would you ever want some time with just your own there’s DC? And bear in mind an 8 year old is way easier than a 3 year old… I do things without my own 3 year old because it’s nice to spend some quality time without the chaos!

I would honestly just take your two little ones out and have a lovey time, maybe see your family or take them somewhere nice.

I would however put a stop to your dd not staying in her fathers family home, it's okay occasionally to stay at his mums but shouldn't be a regular thing.

This, is a perfect example of your vile bullying behaviour.

You spend all your time with your biological children, usually without your stepchild, yet it's not okay for him to do this once? That whole thing about 'you tell them and see their faces' is pretty horrible I think. If you make it into a big deal then it will be.

And that’s part of the problem, isn’t it? The other parent makes piss poor life choices, including foisting not just a new adult, two very young step siblings but also a new half sibling in a very short space of time, as if this isn’t damaging as fuck to a child? And women are meant to just sit back and allow this shit.

SD not DD 🙄

Being kind and just, not being a bully arent the same thing.

You're not stating facts or rational analysis, your last post was just "these are all the reasons why op is personally shit" wasn't it?

Maybe aim to just, not bully people on the internet for things that are done, and they can do nothing about.

Being kind and just, not being a bully arent the same thing.

Agreed, which is why your accusations of bullying when other people state facts backed up by research that happen not to like are absurd.

Well unfortunately she married him and chose to have a child with him. She therefore unfortunately has to trust him to parent their child and vice versa

No, I don't think a controlling ex should punish their child to get back at her ex, which is what you're suggesting. What she is doing is more damaging than if the little girl could actually be a part of the family, but her mother won't let her. What message does that send, do you think?

All of this is irrelevant from the perspective of those children.

No, it's not. The eldest will soon be very aware that she's not allowed to stay in her dad's home. That's potentially damaging to her.

@PickleRickBauble

Yes I think the ex is fucking monumentally unreasonable. It's got fuck all to do with her where her ex partner stays with his child overnight and by trying to dictate this she is being controlling and also potentially damaging her own child by sending the message that she isn't special enough or part of Dad's family enough to actually be in his home overnight.

Bzy your reasoning we should neber criticise anybody for anything they've done in the past. Have a little look at some history books. Still think that's a good plan? Are we "bullying" Liz Truss now?

Of course people are entitled to point out that things other people have done have had negative consequences and were a bad idea that would almost inevitably end up with negative consequences. Particularly if they a) make a public post inviting comments about it; and b) are blaming everybody else for the outcome without recognising their part in it at all, especially when the outcome is far worse for people more vulnerable than them like children.

If the eldest stayed at OP’s family home she wouldn’t get time alone with her dad or the little half-sister as the stepsisters would always be there.

It's not absurd at all, it's exactly what you're doing. Your last post was not facts. It was viritol against the op. Don't pretend otherwise. It's there in black and white.

@Ineverwannabelikeyou

Completely agree with your posts - we have cross posted similar!

What she is doing is more damaging than if the little girl could actually be a part of the family

That's a big leap given the OP's attitude to her.

Well i daresay if you pulled apart Liz trusses personal life and preached about how it was wrong and she was this that and the other, repeatedly, then yes it would be bullying.

Im sure it makes you uncomfortable to admit you're a bully, but that's entirely your problem.

It's not absurd at all, it's exactly what you're doing. Your last post was not facts. It was viritol against the op. Don't pretend otherwise. It's there in black and white.

<BIG SIGH>

The research findings were all set out earlier in the thread. Have you read the research in this area? It appears you have not.

What? OP said the child has always been included. In fact, OPs biggest crime seems to be saying to her dad they’ll have to travel in a separate car

What her attitude that she wants to involve all the children? Do you want to explain or are you mind reading again.

Its not the research I have an issue with, its your bullying comments towards op. Hth.

Eh???