Leaving step children out

[Esselra]

Can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or not?

OH and I share 4 girls, 2 mine (child 2 and 3) , 1 his (child 1 lives with her mum) and 1 together (child 4).

Ive numbered them as above 1 being the oldest and 4 being a baby.

He said last week that he wanted to take just his two out on Saturday (tomorrow) as he’s off work this weekend. I said that’s not fair we should be spending the time as a family and that the other two “mine” will wonder why they can’t go. He didn’t respond to that message and just left it there.

Well he said it again earlier today to which I said, I said the other day it isn’t fair, why are you only taking child 1 and child 4 and not the other two. He said because he’s off work and he wants to spend time with just child 1 and child 4 as he’s been at work a lot recently and hasn’t seen them as much (he has seen them) and that there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time with just them.

I sent him a message along the lines of “Don’t ever accuse me of excluding anyone when you have pretty much said that you don’t want to spend time with child 2&3. You can explain to child 2&3 why they can’t come tomorrow and see their faces. I would never dream of saying I only
want to spend time with child 2&3 in front of child 4.”

Have I blown it out of proportion?

Child 2 and 3 are normally at school/nursery most of the week and he often takes child 4 out to pick child 1 up from school and go out for a couple of hours which is perfectly fine as no one is being obviously excluded as they all go to different schools but I just find it odd that he would separate us up at the weekend?

Any other step parents have any advice?

Yes this, just for clarification she is allowed in the family home just when it comes to bed time they leave and drive half hour away to go to sleep and then come back in the morning

Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. Why? What's her rational for not allowing her to sleep in her father's home?! What does she think is going to happen? Would she even know if your DP just stayed there anyway??

I don’t believe stepparents should be called Mum and Dad as it has the potential to go terribly wrong.
I think it’s fair enough he wants his biological children to bond by taking them out together. If eldest child doesn’t stay at grandparents with her dad she would always have step-sisters around calling her daddy Daddy.
Baby 4 also needs to know half sister on Dad’s side is as important as half sisters she lives with.

Yes he is a great father figure to them which is why I struggled to understand the situation. Their bio dad is not allowed contact with them and that’s all I’m saying on that.

As a child who didn’t live full time with their Father but watched someone else’s children get to - I can’t stress enough how much your SD will need this.

Your DDs are not his children. She is and yet she spends far less time with him then they do. With a half sibling it’s a different feeling, but with step siblings it really hurts to hear them call your Dad, Dad, when you know he isn’t and know he’s there with them every day but only sees you twice a month.

Errr... no. The evidence is that children do not suffer from divorce itself. They suffer from various issues parents cause after divorced namely: poor co-parenting (often massively exacerbated by new partners/ blended families) and the oresence of step-parents.

Family breakdowns happen. Adults don't have to choose to make it worse than it has to be for the kids involved.

Of course it's fine for him to spend time with just his biological kids.

Like it or not, he's closer to them than his step kids.

The evidence is that children do not suffer from divorce itself. They suffer from various issues parents cause after divorced namely: poor co-parenting (often massively exacerbated by new partners/ blended families) and the oresence of step-parents.

And in this case they suffer perhaps from the presence of a controlling mother who, with no apparent good reason, decides that they cannot stay overnight in their father's home. Therefore they wonder what they have done wrong to not be allowed to integrate within their Dad's family. None of which is anything to do with OP.

I understand what you’re saying. He sees his eldest most of the week (obviously not as much as 2&3) he picks her up from school three days a week and has her stay over twice a week then spends one of the weekend days out with her/with us if he’s not working.

Did you read the OP?

Yeah, she has nothing to do with it. 🙄🙄🙄

Because while he may care for them and be kind to them, they’re not his children. He quite reasonably wants to be able to spend time with his children, particularly his oldest, without your children having to always be involved.

The thing that really sticks out for me in your OP is this: ‘I would never dream of saying I only
want to spend time with child 2&3 in front of child 4.”

Of course not because these are all your children, but would you exclude child 1 because that’s your step child?

The difference in attitudes between step dads and mums in my opinion is that the step dads are typically living full time with the step kids and the step mums usually only have to deal with the step children a small amount of the time. Honestly taking four children out is very different from two and it’s fair that he has time with his own children and that they get some sibling time together. Its not about excluding 2 and 3 but really accommodating what is best for 1 as the outlier in this arrangement.

I can understand that it might be hard for 2 and 3 but perhaps it’s your job to help them understand the needs of 1. Guilting him into saying he has to see their faces when they find out is counterproductive, it’s your job to support them and help them understand. This isn’t a criticism, I get why you feel the way you do but I would suggest trying to be a bit more objective. Blended dynamics are tough and pretending all kids are the same isn’t helpful, they should all be respected equally and their needs and feelings accommodated.

What did he say when you reminded him of this, OP?

No, I think you're bullying. That's the long and short of it.

People aren't stupid, you know. It's not just me who's noticed it. There have been whole threads on this subject and the general consensus is this is unacceptable, vile and bullying but unfortunately MN choose to let it stand.

@AliensAteMyHomework

Yes thank you, I read the OP.

It doesn't give any indication that OP is the reason the eldest child cannot stay over at her Dad's family home. I asked OP why her mother doesn't allow it - she replied "no idea".

So I stand by my comment - none of that is anything to do with OP.

8, 5, 3 and 4 months. OP conveniently left that out until later on and most people have missed that post.

You are their parent. You do not have to impose some false "father figure" on them.

That’s my bad, I meant to put child 1. If I said it to child 4 she’d probably just smile and go back to sleep 😂

No I would not exclude her, that was the point I was trying to make.

Yabu

It's because of someone like you my three children get zero alone time with their father because he can't possibly leave his stepdaughter out even tho he lives with stepdaughter so sees her every day

Jesus I've never heard the likes of it. No, OP, it's not fine. Don't ask the nutters on here if you're BU. Ask normal people in real life and they'll agree with you and I that in blended families it's wrong to exclude children. He should see you all as a unit, a family. I know a lot of blended families and this would never happen in any of them.

No matter what is asked on here the OP will be told they are BU so it's futile to even ask.

Who is imposing/forcing? I don’t pick him up and dangle him in front of them and tell them this is your dad 🤨

You think the ex is unreasonable? OPs DCs are 5 and 3, the baby is 4 months old. How soon after having the 3YO/leaving her ex did she get pregnant with the baby? How long had she been with her current partner? My guess is not very long to both. Why would the ex think it okay to thrust her child into this chaos that her Dad chose?

All of this is irrelevant from the perspective of those children. Again: adults putting their needs first and creating situations that they squabble over and then putting the children in the middle of that. When it's perfectly possible to separate from a relationship, spend time with your children and date again if you wish, without bringing unrelated adults into their family home, having multiple half siblings etc and creating additional, completely unnecessary problems with the original co-parent and the new "step parent". There is literally no need to involve kids in your relationship dramas in this way. That is what damages them and nobody has to do that. It is a choice.

I get that, but OP can’t visit her own mum with her own children without being accused of leaving out his daughter.

If he can do things alone with his children, OP should be able to too.

Im guessing if that incident hadn’t happened, then OP wouldn’t be reacting like this

I think the elder one not being allowed to stay in OP’s home is a red herring. If she were It still wouldn’t allow her to spend time alone with her dad or to bond with her sister as the stepsisters would always be there as their own dad isn’t on the scene.

The ex realistically should have no say in this. When she's with her dad he should be able to decide what's appropriate. It is punishing her child, whether you see that or not.