AIBU for overreacting to comment by John Lewis

[filletofishmeal]

I was on the phone to John Lewis as they failed to deliver an item ( did not put it on their load), and as the person was processing a new delivery date he was making small talk about the reason why I was purchasing a TV. I said it was for the cricket world up, and he asked who I thought I was going to win the tournament. I replied that I am British, so am backing England. He then told me that my name does not sound British, where are my parents from?
I snapped at that point and got a bit shirty with him, as I felt it was unreasonable for him to assume I am not British just because of my surname.

I really fucking hope this is a joke. You'd actually want to get someone in this kind of a job into trouble for what is at worst a clumsy attempt to connect, to make conversation. Maybe a future of robots is the way to go, lest someone say something that is not within the strictest parameters of what snobs like you deem to be appropriate from "random customer service personnel"

Probably just clumsy small talk … but just to be sure complain, and then get him sacked, 6 weeks before Christmas.

Presumably JL don’t sack staff due to one customer complaint unless there is a serious issue?

I would have thought he/she was just asking about the origin of your name out of curiosity. You were the one who brought up nationality. Did you do it on purpose to try and incite the per person to make a racist comment so you could complain about them and get them sacked?

See how ridiculous you are all being. It's this sort of stupid shit that is just making things worse. The vast majority of people in this country don't give a shit about where you come from or what nationality/race you are as long as you integrate, pay your way and get on with your neighbours. That's it.

Then followed up with “but where are you orignially from”.

Exhausting.

I think a lot goes with the tone if it was a microaggression or not. We have friends with a really unusual last name and I asked about it (turns out his family are Italian) didn't mean a jot of harm by it was simply curious as I hadn't heard it before. But to tell someone they don't sound British is leaning more towards micro aggression for me. So I can see why op felt this way.

I think there’s a key difference between the white looking posters above being asked where the ‘surname’ is from versus being asked where you/ your parents are from.

What makes you assume that the OP isn't "white-looking"?

My maiden name was Dutch, but several generations back. I am "white-looking".

My mother's stepfather had a French surname, and he was black.

Ok, but where are your parents from?

OP didn't say she was going to complain.

There's tricky context missing on the phone, perhaps the person at the other end wasn't White British themselves, they could just as easily been a British Asian or an immigrant, or even based in India, Pakistan or Bangladesh and making small talk to find a common reference point while they were entering info into the system.

I totally get that a white person saying to somebody with darker skin 'where are you REALLY from?' is a microagression and not on, and all white people should know this, but in this case I'm not sure it's as clear cut.

100% this!

Nothing he said in your OP suggests he was assuming you're not British. You seem to have made a big leap.

How on earth is noting (in a friendly/carefree way) that someone's name is not traditionally British racism?
Recognising that things aren't all the same isn't racist

I've lived in several different countries - and never once have I been offended for people asking where I'm from bar one occasion where it was clearly done in a sneery way.

I live outside the UK (have done most of my adult life, have taken the local citizenship and identify very much as an immigrant rather than an expat) and it really does get exhausting. I grin and bear it with most people, because it is mainly thoughtless rather than malicious. And being of a 'prestige' nationality (everybody loves British English), I'm largely spared the racism I know others get (occasionally I get it too because I don't look what people here regard as 'typically English').

Really, what people in my position want (as far as my own experience goes, anyway) is for it not to be made an issue of unless it's relevant or we bring it up ourselves. Arguably, the OP did bring it up, when she said she was British. But suggesting that a name 'doesn't sound British' is overstepping.

Except where he said ‘He then told me that my name does not sound British, where are my parents from?’

White people refuse to see these micro aggressions because they don’t affect them.

In this case it sounds to me like he was a cricket fan itching to talk about the Pakistan / South African / Australian cricket team and engage in a bit of friendly sports talk. Surely intent has got to come into it somewhere?

I couldn't get worked up about it to be honest. We will soon not be able to ask anyone anything about themself for fear of 'making assumptions' and causing offence. social chit chat is going to become very difficult and boring!

At a party now;
Person A - nice to meet you? Did you grow up in this area?
Person B - how dare you assume because of my name/skin that I am not from round here.

Person A - nice to meet you. I am looking for a partner for the mixed doubles at the tennis club if you are interested?
Person B - how dare you assume I am a man/woman because of my name/what I am wearing.

At a party in the near future;
Person A - nice to meet you
Person B - likewise
Persons A stares blankly around the room and then moves to the safety of the buffet table, scared to ask anyone if they want a sausage roll for fear of anyone assuming they eat meat and being offended.

It's so bloody tedious.

OP, Mumsnet is not the place to be asking about microaggressions and racism. MN users tend to be in the category of thinking something is only racist when it’s in your face, get back to your country enter racial slur.

They really don’t understand what it’s like to be reminded on a daily basis that you don’t belong here, claiming it’s only small talk.

As some one who sadly works in a call centre it is just clumsy on his behalf. If John Lewis is anything like my company they will be trying to make every single customer on every single call part of 'the family' I literally get my performance qnalysed on how personal I am with customers. He's probably anxiously trying to make conversation neither of you want but he has to to keep his job.

Oh blimey, this is why people are terrified to say anything in case they offend some one. He was probably just curious about your heritage and in a friendly chit chat sort of way. Massive overreaction. I'm often asked where my accent is from/where I hail from.

As the person on the receiving end of this type of comment, it’s pretty easy to tell when it is racism and when it is someone trying to make a connection.

White British people won't get this. I'm from an ethnically 'other' background and clearly not British to look at me. I have had so many intrusive, prying questions about where I'm 'really' from, where my parents were from, etc. It's exhausting and rude and tinged with racism.

It is very different if you are clearly ethnically/racially 'other' and it's not just 'polite curiosity'.

That’s exactly what I think. I’m a cricket fan, all the guys at work with Indian/Pakistani background support the cricket team of their family’s heritage. We have lots of cricket related chat and friendly rivalry.

@phishy - “white people” are not one homogeneous group. Irish people for example have been subject to a lot of prejudice for their background.