AIBU for overreacting to comment by John Lewis

[filletofishmeal]

I was on the phone to John Lewis as they failed to deliver an item ( did not put it on their load), and as the person was processing a new delivery date he was making small talk about the reason why I was purchasing a TV. I said it was for the cricket world up, and he asked who I thought I was going to win the tournament. I replied that I am British, so am backing England. He then told me that my name does not sound British, where are my parents from?
I snapped at that point and got a bit shirty with him, as I felt it was unreasonable for him to assume I am not British just because of my surname.

Oh ok. So it's fine to make chit chat with white people. Not BAME people. Ok got it. Although sad for those BAME people who don't mind. But it's not worth the risk is it.

Make chit chat by all means but after we have told you we’re British, don’t say ‘your name does not sound British, where are your parents from?’ (as was said to OP). Is that really so hard?

Thank you! You are one of only a few commenters who understand my issue. I have nothing wrong with small talk and talking about culture, but the call centre worker wouldn't have asked me for my parent's heritage if my last name was Smith for example.

Agree. I’m always perplexed by the line of thought where being accused of racism is far worse than being subject to it. There really are some snowflakes in this thread and I don’t mean the OP and others who are offended by racist small talk.

No. But I think it's probably much easier not to engage at all apart from the basics required. That way there's no risk of causing offence. Offense something that is so easily taken these days, even if it's not given.

I think your reply was a bit odd tbh - "I'm British so I'm supporting England"...I wonder what tone you said that In?

Easier to simply focus on the absolute essential communication and unless someone is white with a British sounding name don’t risk saying anything. Is that really how it should be? Walking on eggshells? Culture is interesting and personally, I don’t mind discussing mine if anyone expresses interest. Why would I be offended? I’m not ashamed of my background so I’m happy to talk about it and I don’t feel attacked if anyone asks.

I think people are walking on eggshells now. And eventually will find keeping it to the bare minimum easier. I'm sure that's already happening. People seem less friendly and chatty these days. What was genuine interest and friendliness will not be worth the effort. I can't imagine (many) people actively go out of their way to offend, and they certainly won't want the trouble and vitriol that may come if they accidently say the wrong thing. So they will say nothing. It's sad because it's divisive. And I love the meaningless chit chat thing. But it's the price we will pay. Some people will be more than happy with that. Others not so much.

purfectpuss

Why wouldn't people question me? Really?

Maybe because we are not talking about theirs or my origins at this point? Maybe because it is none of their business where I am from if they are a complete stranger? We have learnt, I hope, not to "other" people by their skin colour, why are we still doing it by name or the way they talk.

I did ask someone back, once or twice, where THEY were from. They looked surprised to be asked. Well, not such a smooth question after all.

Oh dear.

I don't have any issues making small talk with anyone from diverse backgrounds. There are a million and one things you can talk about without going down the lazy, "where are you from" route.

Your post sounds suspiciously like men saying, "I dunno how to talk to wimin no more" after Metoo.

You really don't get it. This post is embarrassingly awful.

She does get it. Everything she says reflects her views about “foreign” people who will never really be British.

So because I don't agree with you I must be a white british male racist. Wrong. On every single point. Totally. Wrong. I can't be bothered. Even though this attitude makes things horrible for everyone. I'll leave you to the hive mind white hate.

I don’t think anyone said you were white, British or male.

There is a massive difference between small talk, and questioning someone's previous answer and telling them their answer about themselves is wrong because it doesn't meet your expected answer.

If I tell you I'm British and from Birmingham, accept it - don't push for an answer closer to what your preconceptions expect the answer to be.

I get it. It's low level in the grand scheme of things but it happens all the time. I've had completely random strangers approach me in a supermarket asking my origins. In a genuinely polite way but it's just bloody odd, "oh I love your cheekbones" or other such compliment that is well intentioned but 🤦

My daughters are routinely fetishised by men in the gym, bars, work etc. "Oh I love your ethnicity" like them having a fetish for foreign looking women is something they should be like, "gee thanks, can I sleep with you now? Thanks for your approval, it's made my day".

Other classics are:

Wow, you speak well/coherently.
Funny but I wasn't expecting an English accent.
No, really, where are you from?
Do you know XYZ from: the next town/company/department/insert random place?
Do you eat English food at home?
Did you deliver my takeaway?

It's fine to talk about cultural differences if it arises organically during conversation but people seem to pick out differences at the outset and make a point of it within the first few sentences. Usually it's people who claim that they see everyone as the same but can't help raising differences.

My in-laws have lived in Cyprus for over 20 years. At no point have they claimed to be Cypriot or ever taken offence at Cypriots asking them where they are from …

But the assumption from you and many others is that anyone who thinks the OP might have overreacted is clearly that we must be horrible, horrible racists.

Like I said, ironic.

Yes, the conversation went downhill from the moment the OP “claimed” to be British. She should get back in her box.

The OP reacted the way she did because she’d been subjected to racism. Anyone who thinks that people on the receiving end of racism are just being over dramatic and can’t engage in small talk probably is just a little bit racist.

I’m not talking about the OP specifically- if she was born here then she is British, however there are others in this thread complaining about being asked where they are from when they are an immigrant.

All of whom consider themselves British so of course they get upset when a racist comes along and denies their Britishness.

Do not complain LOL. How ridiculous, in what way is it racism? How are you interpreting that he intended to cause offence? At the very most it's just a poorly worded question. This sort of dramatic reaction is so unhelpful to actually racism and dilutes genuine complaints. Also I wouldn't have been at all offended by the first question. My OH has a very non British sounding surname, in a restaraunt when he gave the name for a booking the host recognised it ( it's very rare ) and asked before explaining so if he had any relations in another part of the world. Is that racism? No. Its genuine interest. Imagine if he had got 'shirty'. People will be terrified to speak at this rate

It doesn’t really matter what you consider yourself to be- you can’t self-identify as a nationality. You can live and be accepted in a different country other than that which you were born and raised, but you don’t become Spanish just by living in Spain so why do people become British just by living in Britain?