AIBU for overreacting to comment by John Lewis

[filletofishmeal]

I was on the phone to John Lewis as they failed to deliver an item ( did not put it on their load), and as the person was processing a new delivery date he was making small talk about the reason why I was purchasing a TV. I said it was for the cricket world up, and he asked who I thought I was going to win the tournament. I replied that I am British, so am backing England. He then told me that my name does not sound British, where are my parents from?
I snapped at that point and got a bit shirty with him, as I felt it was unreasonable for him to assume I am not British just because of my surname.

“Don’t be silly, it was only small talk” seems to be the modern day equivalent of “It was just a joke, can’t you take a joke?”

People do know that small talk (like jokes) doesn’t have to be racist right?

Well in that case, as a general rule non white people think all white people are racist surely?

@ellieboolou It's a lot more complex than that and you'll certainly get many non-white people (hate that term along with POC) who think racism is as real as unicorns on the M25 but in my experience as much as white people aren't necessarily 'racist' in the truest sense of the word they can and do have the propensity to wield their whiteness in ways they don't always realise can be detrimental to non-white people and they do so very often. Being asked 'where are you from' might seem very innocuous but after the millionth time you really just want to say "Leeds" without going through your family tree in which your gran came from a village in India.

I have an English name and sound very English but dark skin.

I have had a number of people speak to me on the phone and later when they meet me in person have said “oh you don’t look at all how I expected you to!” Oh why not, I ask and they immediately realise how bloody rude they’ve been!

Someone who has never experienced this wouldn’t understand but it’s very unpleasant.

Ive also been told to go back to “my own country” and “go back where you came from.” Erm born and raised here, as were my parents

I am not white but born in the UK. It wouldn't have bothered me at all - relax and just have a chat FGS. Racism wouldn't have entered my mind.

If you have an Asian sounding surname it's very reasonable for him to assume you may not be supporting England. South Asians particularly do not support England during cricket tournaments, always their ancestral countries. Incredibly big thing in my area.

What a load of tosh. Plenty of South Asians do support England (or Scotland etc).

To say South Asians always support their ancestral countries is racist.

What the actual fuck is wrong with people.

Oh for goodness sake, he was being friendly and making small talk. Reading MN is like being in another world sometimes. Get over yourself.

He was making small talk, helps the day go quicker!

I had this when younger because of my first name and also my skin colour. I always felt
proud that my name and skin colour may reflect some of my family history and that it may tell a story. I am not suggesting that others should feel the same, I’m really not. But it never made me feel like I was being discriminated against. I must emphasise that was my personal experience and I know it’s different for others.

He's making small talk but actually being offensive by suggesting that only certain names are British. It's similar to asking a black person where they are from originally. I've not experienced this but I would find it offensive.

@filletofishmeal I think you’re the one not understanding the posts here !! Maybe the people asking are just interested at your unusual name, I seriously don’t think for one minute they are trying to undermine you !

As a general rule most people (white and non-white) are racist to a degree. Look up the Harvard unconscious bias test if you want to learn more. Racism (and other types of discrimination) is so ingrained in our thinking we have to make an actual effort to fight them.

It doesn’t sound like he was being discriminatory, more just curious?

I mean it’s a plain fact that some names are not British in origin. I have a Polish surname because my grandad was from Poland, having escaped here during the War. It is very obviously not an English name and I don’t expect people not to notice that!

Occasionally people are surprised when they meet me because they were expecting a Polish person and I am as English as they come. I understand that and I’m happy to tell them about my grandad. I am proud of my Polish roots and I suppose I consider myself 1/4 Polish 3/4 English so am not offended by the assumption that I am not 100% English- I would agree with them!

So I don’t think the man was unreasonable to ask you about it, but at the same time YANBU to not want to discuss it. I’m sure there are people with more mixed feeling about their heritage and would like to disassociate from it?

@SkylightSkylight well I disagree with you. Asking where someone's parents are from is, like a pp said, only one step away from asking "where are you REALLY from?" Which is a phrase the majority accept is racist. It suggests op and her family are "newcomers" to the UK and that a person's britishness can be quantified based on how many generations of the family were born in the UK

@karmakameleon "I wonder if my old headmaster, Mr Higginbottom, was ever asked by a call centre operator about where his surname was from or its history. I mean, after all, it is unusual and probably has some history. Or would that just have been seen as rude?"

Not sure why you're asking me, why don't you ask him? I would imagine with a surname like that though he had lots of comments on it. Not sure what your point is though?

It just needed one to spoil your day 🙄

@fairydustt

Not just aimed at you but everyone who thinks this is harmless small talk. I’m sure Mr Higginbottom had plenty of comments about his surname. And I doubt he thought of it as “harmless small talk” but variously irritating, rude and unnecessary. Similarly the OP doesn’t like it, especially as it comes from a place of not recognising her as British i.e racism.

I am white, have lived in the UK for longer than in my home country, have a British passport and have grown up children. Yet I still have a non-English name and an accent. And it does get tiring after 20 odd years when, whatever topic has started the conversation, the second question I get asked is Where did you come from?

YANBU

Another poster dismissing a BAME OP’s concerns and making it all white centric.

Your white Mamarsupial. You have no idea what BAME people go through in this country.

*you’re

But why wouldn't people question you? You are a non native British person in Britain so why would you expect people to not wonder about that- it's a talking point. Surely a British person in your native country would be questioned in the same way.

So the moral of the story is don't make small talk with anyone who has a forrin sounding name. Don't ask them about where their name is from, anything about their heritage, nothing. Just stick to the functional conversation only and don't learn anything new about each other. Presumably it is still fine for obviously white Brits to ask each other where their names come from, where they live, where they were born and so on. It all sounds really sad and divisive. Particularly as chit chat small talk is a big part of British culture. I love those little snippets of conversation when I'm out and about.

You have responded to people’s posts so why can’t karma respond to you?

The fragility of people on this thread is unreal.