To be worried about how much my daughter likes my boyfriend

[cocavino]

She is 6. I have been with the boyfriend for 9 months. We are very serious.

My boyfriend is an incredibly lovely person and is super fun with kids. My daughter loves joking around with him.

He often comes over for the evening and stays in the spare room while my daughter sleeps with me. (Maybe 3-4 nights per week on average).

My daughter now throws tantrums when I tell her he isn't coming over. Is this weird? Concerning? I don't know what to make of it.

Yes, I don’t understand the point of posting here either. What do you want people to say, OP?

Is it really a mystery why I would want to have a personal life, after 10 years in a terrible relationship and 2.5 years fully alone?

Of course not.

It's great you've met someone you really like. You deserve to. It's healthy to be dating someone. It's healthy for your daughter to know you are and to meet him sometimes.

It's not healthy for them to be staying at your home 3/4 nights a week just nine months in. It positions him as part of the family and household which means that if you do break up, your daughter will be confused and more upset than is necessary.

I don't think there's anything nefarious going on. He may be perfectly lovely and you may stay together forever. But that doesn't make it sensible to be casting him in this role this early on. It leaves your daughter open to confusion and upset if it doesn't work out.

Surely you can see that?

It sounds like she’s formed an attachment. My friend’s daughter absolutely adores her boyfriend and did from the beginning. She has a dad of her own but she sees him as a step dad figure. They’ve been together 6 years now and she calls him step dad, she’s about 12 now.

Of course you are learning more about him at 9 months but by this point if you picked up on red flags, he's already in your daughter's life and possibly causing disruption and harm. She's known him 6 months.

I absolutely don't think single parents need to remain single forever and never introduce someone to their children. You have a right to a life of your own and to find a relationship that makes you happy. Of course you do.

I do urge caution though. I'm not going to go into my personal and professional experience here but please understand my comments are from genuine concern and not judgment.

I also think the people getting at you about co-sleeping should leave it too. You are responding to what your daughter needs from you, she will go back to her own bed when she's ready.

A man staying over 3-4 nights a week and building a relationship with DD isn't a "social life", that would be going out when DD is with her dad or you can arrange a babysitter.

You're obviously feeling defensive about it, but it was you who first said you were concerned about the situation.

I’d just go on doing what you’re doing, making you and boyfriend and daughter a family unit that gets on together and has fun. Show her you can all be together and have a good time and you and she can also do fun things.
There’s a lot of difference between a 6 year old and a 7 year old and then an 8 year old. She’ll change a lot over the next year or two. Give her time to grow into this relationship, and the more undramatic, humdrum it is the better, because life is mostly like that.
This is exactly what one of my friends ( widowed when dd was 4) did when she met a new partner 4 years later. They’ve been married about 11 or 12 years now, DD is fine.

This

Why would you have inserted him so far into her life so quickly? I never understand this. I really hope for your daughter's sake that he sticks around as the fall out will be terrible if you split

While I do agree that it's too early really for your BF to feature so much in DD's life, he sounds like a gem and I really hope it all works out for the three of you in the long-term.

Disregard the comments about co-sleeping, you're making a judgement call on how best to support your daughter and fulfil her needs, not anyone else's. Given the background with her dad, that's most important.

I've never been in this position - and now I have older kids I never will be - but I am surprised that so many people seem to think 9 months into a relationship is too early to introduce a child to a partner (and I know if was actually more like 6 months, but still seems perfectly reasonable to me). Or that after 9 months, he shouldn't be staying over much of the week - the OP is a grown up, not a lovelorn teen - if it's good and it's lasted this long I think at the 6 month point is entirely reasonable to introduce your child because OP can see this is looking like a steady thing and she's old enough to trust her own judgement in that. And it seems more than reasonable in terms of child safety - otherwise you might as well say no woman with young children should ever introduce a child to a male partner because, well, you never know.

I don't see how the OP supposed to conduct herself otherwise. When you have a young child it seems like it would be fairly difficult to keep a relationship from them just in terms of logistics, and I don't think you can expect to sustain a relationship only seeing someone once or twice a week for the sake of not letting your child know.

As for DDs attachment to BF - young kids do get very attached to people, I don't think it suggests anything unkosher, just he's a fun person she likes a lot, the same way it's impossible to tear them away from playdates at the age.

9 months is too brief a relationship for them to be included in your family unit in this way. You are opening your dd up to pain, loss and rejection if the relationship ends.

@Electronicmind

Yeah but under the old rules she wouldn’t have divorced in the first place and none of this would be an issue. There may be other issues though.

It’s inevitable that when you split from your childrens father when they’re young and date that it’s going to get messy, confusing and hurtful for them as they seek attachment to the male figures your being into their lives. There’s no point in auger coating it

There's a big difference between "introducing" and getting them absorbed into DC's life. After 9mth if things going well, an occasional trip to the park or cinema, but this happened much earlier and involves him sleeping in DD's bed 3/4 times a week!

Aside from that, is no one wondering why he wants to do that and doesn't just go to his own bed?

I'm a stepdad to a now-16yo girl (she was 5 when I met her) and dare I say it can be a bloody hard and thankless role at times. I've never had (nor will have) children of my own so I went out of my way to do the best job I could (it's the reason I first joined MN!). I'm not naturally great with kids so went out of my way and out of my comfort zone in order to build a bond with her (which, according to all of those that matter, I've done a good job in doing).

My point is that he's obviously trying really hard and any misgivings you had can probably be attributed to the fact that he came into your daughter's life so early in your relationship.

During a brief spell of online dating (prior to my now-marriage) I read a-million-and-one profiles from women with the line 'My child is the centre of my world and any man must be good with kids and accept that they will always be second best to the child' (paraphrased of course)...I found the idea of always playing second-fiddle a little hard to swallow.

It sounds like you may have actually found this holy grail and are now complaining that he's 'too perfect'.

I have been with the boyfriend for 9 months. We are very serious

I know it's not what you asked, but YABU for this. Relationships should progress more slowly when children are involved

I've been very clear that he doesn't sleep in DD's bed! Wtf!

@

Kids get attached very quickly. She already sees him as a Daddy figure and this is worrying considering that you haven’t been together long.
I told DD that her stepdad and I were together earlier than this but she was 12 and old enough to understand relationships between adults don’t always last forever. She could conceivably have had some contact with him afterwards on her own if we separated. Plus she has a good relationship with her Dad so he is not her primary Dad figure.

Had she been little I would have waited much longer. It’s a big commitment being a stepdad especially if you are the only Dad figure. Is he up for this commitment?

I think you need to reduce the time she sees him for a while until you are sure he is fully on board with the commitment of being Daddy. Put up with her strops. I’m sure you are used to pre-schooler strops.

Can you see that having him stay 3/4 nights a week is too much, too soon and a risk (not physically, because he might be a perfectly lovely guy) because making him part of the household and family just nine months in (and just three months after he met your daughter) is inappropriate, in case it doesn't work out and she is then confused and upset.

And because at nine months in, you're still getting to know him while he's already become part of your household and family.

You're getting to know him as a mother-daughter pair rather than you doing so independently. It's not healthy.

I've got a friend who has, in the last 5 years (approx) has had three guys living with her and her children, each playing the 'daddy' role. She now has a fourth who she has married and is having a baby with.

How the children aren't completely screwed up is beyond me!

They probably are. Which will play out over the next 50-plus years, affecting others as well as themselves. Because mom thought more of her crotch than of her offspring.

I have to say when I put this to DH, he said don’t be quick to assume that this man isn’t serious about the commitment required to take on the Dad role. But I did point out that surely it’s different because DD (his step daughter) was 12 and has a secure relationship with her own Dad. But he was still adamant that 9mths may be enough time for him to be sure.
We will have to agree to disagree. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Trust your gut instinct

@pinkksugarmouse this may be surprising, but I am completely certain my bf is up for this commitment. He hasn't had that many girlfriends (due to shyness and I think wanting to be with the right person) and is absolutely over the moon with our relationship.

I tend to think that men know pretty early on when they want to be serious about a woman.

@OP83 trust me, I am very grateful for my bf and his amazing good qualities. He has less good qualities, of course, but they are far outweighed by his genuine and caring good nature.

@monsteramunch we have been fortunate to spend a great deal of time alone together as well. We have already gone on a few short holidays alone.

To whomever asked, he's nice to DD and interested in having a good relationship with her, but I have no doubt that it's me he's really here for

@OP83 also, there is no chance that I would go through boyfriends at that pace. If my bf and I broke up, I would need a very long time to recover. I've never felt this way about any man before.