To be worried about how much my daughter likes my boyfriend

[cocavino]

She is 6. I have been with the boyfriend for 9 months. We are very serious.

My boyfriend is an incredibly lovely person and is super fun with kids. My daughter loves joking around with him.

He often comes over for the evening and stays in the spare room while my daughter sleeps with me. (Maybe 3-4 nights per week on average).

My daughter now throws tantrums when I tell her he isn't coming over. Is this weird? Concerning? I don't know what to make of it.

I’ve not read the full thread but have read your replies. You comments re your daughter’s state of mind after visiting dad are a bit worrying. Why is she so traumatised?

Cocovino Ultimately it’s up to you and your instincts. And it’s possible that people on here are thinking about terrible relationships that they know about where kids have had uncommitted men in their lives. DH is normally a pretty sceptical person and I was surprised at his response and he does see it from a blokes perspective. I am open to changing my mind.
I wish you, your DD and partner the very best 💕

@Ratherdampdownstairs

???

To start, she and I have a very close bond.She seems to have very little affection for him and is very upset every time she is away from me for an extended period.

I don't think that he physically abuses her. He was emotionally abusive to me. Even when she was a baby, I remember her trying to protect me from him (part of the reason I felt I had to leave - not a healthy dynamic for a child).

She refuses to talk about what happens there. He has a girlfriend who has a child, and I think that they act like a little family and do fun activities together. My assumption is that she can sense that her father isn't a good or loving person and he is probably overly critical. But I really don't know.

@pinkksugarmouse thanks!

The lady didn’t ask everyone’s opinion on how long they had been together 😴
my son used to have a paddy every time his god mother left . It’s nice she likes him .. wish you all the happiness x

Agreed!

OP I don't see anything wrong with your DD liking your DP so much. It will phase out eventually. But you do need to get her in her own bed.

Nobody can predict the future: just because it's good now doesn't mean it will remain like that. Just because he seems keen now to get to be part of the family unit, doesn't mean he will always feel like that. You just don't know and any parent who enters w new relationship and introduces their children to the new partner are taking a risk.

He has no obligation towards your daughter like a biological or adoptive parent does, he can walk out whenever he feels like. YOU will be left picking up the pieces.

I think this is, one of many reasons, why many single parents wait until the relationship has become serious and has a solid foundation and foreseeable future before introducing their children (especially small children) to new partners. That and the obvious concerns of sex abuse that sadly happens sometimes.

If the relationship doesn't work out they hurt too. It's very sad. Not that you've done anything wrong. It's just one way many parents choose to handle things.

we have been fortunate to spend a great deal of time alone together as well. We have already gone on a few short holidays alone.

The more you post, the more concerning it sounds.

Obviously you won’t listen to any poster when it comes to your relationship.
Tbh you could be slapped in the face with a red flag right now and you still wouldn’t see it.

But the issue is that because this relationship has been fast and intense (whether you admit it or not) DD is also going to mirror these actions and her behaviour towards him is also going to be fast and intense.

So if you don’t want to change anything in your relationship then you’ll need to accept DDs behaviour.

If you think her behaviour is too much and want to change it then you need to slow the relationship down, like have him spend less time at your home, so then her behaviour will calm down.

What is concerning about having gone on holiday with my boyfriend of 9 months?

When my wife and I first got together, my stepdaughter was a bit older than your daughter, 12. We are late 30's early 40's, both out of terrible marriages, both knowing exactly what we were looking for in a relationship. We violated so many mumsnet cardinal rules, we are no doubt destined to the 37th level of hell.

Anyway, we actually moved in together at about the six month point. I didn't go out of my way to engage with her daughter as the super fun step dad guy wannabe. Didn't set out to do fun things focused on the daughter or to be the cool guy.

What I did do however was simply engage with her and include her in my day-to-day mundane life. Take mealtimes for example. I quickly became the person who did pretty much all the cooking. I know one of the common things people do is plan out a meal prep and such that is designed to be a kid friendly event and production, but yeah, I didn't do that.

Instead, I'd be working on dinner, and she'd be doing homework or what ever, and we'd just talk. Silly things about our days, stuff like that. If I needed an extra hand for something, I'd ask her. I didn't treat her like a kid, or go out of my way to put her on a pedestal or anything. Just treated her like a person.

What I found interesting though was that over time, she'd start engaging me in her mundane day to day things as well. One memory I think I will always have was she was preparing for a school art show and she sought out my opinion on organizing her portfolio. I remember sitting there with her on the floor arranging things. Nothing special, pretty mundane, just being part of each others life.

It didn't take long to discover that she and I were similar in a lot of ways, most notably being fascinated by simple things that many other people would not even notice. Things like driving down the road and noticing a hedgerow with a seemingly pointless gap in it and wondering why that gap was there. Or where we lived there was a lot of open farmland and this one spot in particular stood a lone tree that she noticed and pointed out.

I was quite honoured to walk her down the aisle when she got married, and it was a blast being the goofy dad on tik tok during the father daughter dance.

I guess my point of all of that is that though she never said it, I suspect my wife may have noticed and felt similar to how you are feeling. The thing is, we just have a different type of relationship than she has with her mother. They love each other and are very close, just in a different way.

My kids have tantrums when my friends leave, when their friends leave, when our relatives leave. I just see it as a sign that they like spending time with them. I'm also a single parent and it can be quite intense it just being us 3 all the time, so I'm guessing their tantrums are a way of communicating that they enjoy time with people who aren't me.

@samyeagar that's really beautiful.

Beautiful? Mum moves man into house she shares with her 12 year old. There’s nothing beautiful about that.

What happened next.

Why the fuck did you post the question ?

Do people need to get nasty.if you disagree with the op support her for ffks. Why pile on and make her feel shit.
mif you really feel so strongly empower her to listen to your views on the parenting to meeting partner topic.don’t make out she’s a twat for doing it another way.
and also off mnet it is more common for people to meet the child after this length of time
op things get so polarising on here.especially on particular threads.also because those coming to comment will feel so strongly about said topic.those who agree will not have swooped in,might have even walked on by this thread. Those against stormed in the make themselves heard. And it seems to be what’s happened here because the lack of care or support is gross.
suport the woman with her life.don’t make her feel worse for not being you and getting it all right.

Let's get back to your actual question, rather than opinions on when, why, and how she "should" have met him.

Your daughter was, in her mind, abandoned by her father, and no matter how poor a father he might have been, he was still her father. The fact that she sees him, and the fact that he stresses her when she does, make little difference. She WANTS her father to be with her and to love her. Bottom line. Now, she has a wonderful new male role model in her life (assuming he is as terrific as you say, and I do not doubt that), and every time that he does not come over, her fall-back position is, "He's abandoning me, just like my father did." It is going to take a lot of time for her to get over that, and she may never be entirely over it without professional help, especially as the biological parent is a narcissist and therefore a master manipulator.

Be understanding, be supportive. Remind her, "This is only for tonight. HE WILL BE BACK." Over and over and over again.

Exactly this.

Your boyfriend sounds great, your ex less so.
I think the biggest concern is why your DD is so clingy when she comes home after visiting her father and why she refuses to talk about her time there.

@Mamanyt I am becoming concerned that you are right about this. Recently (since posting this thread) I told her she will go to Daddy's house this weekend and she became upset (as usual). When I tried to talk about it, she said "I'm horrible!" She kept repeating it and my fear is that she thinks she has been left due to being unlovable. She's also been asking me constantly if I like her and love her, even though I am (and always have been) extremely affectionate and I tell her constantly how special she is to me.

I told her that Daddy loves her and she can see him more if she wants (he does want her more, probably as a ploy to reduce maintenance), but she said she wants to be with me. It's all very concerning if I'm honest.

For the immediate issue of my boyfriend, your suggestion sounds very wise. Previously I have emphasised that he doesn't live with us and he has his own house but he likes to spend time with us and we will see him soon. However, what you say about these feelings of abandonment make a lot of sense. I believe that he's in it for the long haul and he has a lot of love to give, and it would be true to say the things you suggest. I will try providing this kind of reassurance moving forward.

@urbanbuddha honestly, I doubt that I will be able to get insight into this. It's very upsetting but she's not talking, and my ex will always present his household as being superior and offering all the love and attention she needs.

I am so gratified that you found my comments helpful. I've seen this happen before.

I can't help you explain her father's attitude, unfortunately. And, at her age, the best you can probably do is tell her that her Daddy does love her, but sometimes even Daddies don't know how to show their love properly. That it is never, ever, her fault. Over and over and over again.

Sending you, your daughter, and you BF all my very best wishes.

Seems very fwb vibe. You're disrespecting your home and showing your young daughter promiscuity is ok and her home is a hotel. Dbf needs to stop the sleepovers . Either marry or move on. Have some respect for yourself and children. When theyre old enough to date, I'm sure you won't love the sleepovers and non committal move in

You could ask that someone at school talks to your DD? Or a relative maybe? There's things you could try to get her talking eg read stories about separated families, stories centering on daddies? But don't try and push her to talk iyswim.