AIBU not to help DD out with childcare?

[reesep]

DD has a son with special needs age 5, and a daughter age 1.

She has requested I look after them one day at a weekend, every month. She has also requested I do some daytime childcare during the school holidays

This is so she can get into nursing. She's desperate to be a nurse and has been accepted into a Healthcare Assistant role on bank, meaning she can pick shifts

AIBU not to provide such rigid help? It's too much of an expectation and I can't handle it

I do feel bad but it's just too much. She also lives 1.5 hours away so it would mean bringing the DC here

AIBU?

I don't think yabu when you have a 10 year old and 15 year old at home.

I think she is being unrealistic as a mother of additional needs kids. Iv only been able to keep working very part time, school hour's due to kids having good school placements but took about 4 years and nearly 2 breakdowns and that was with a supportive husband.

It's your right to say no, but one day a month isn't exactly asking for a lot, and even if the DGS is high needs, it's once a month.

It's a poor show if you can't cope once a month with what your daughter has to deal with every day,

Your adult daughter is as much your child as your younger ones, and your reluctance to help put will end up damaging your relationship.

YANBU. You know what you’re capable of, and you also know better than anyone here whether it’s likely to be too disruptive for your own children.

^^this.

OP I think you should be much more supportive of your daughter, for trying to better herself. If she wants to be a nurse then that's her choice, it's not for you to tell her 'nurses are leaving in droves' - that's so unfair.

It sounds like she's willing to bend over backwards to make this happen, but you're just super critical.

I’m in my second year of training. Single mum 3 kids. My mum is as unsupportive as you sound. Her loss, we manage without and my DC’s have much stronger bonds with the people that do look out for them. When I qualify I will remember those that got me there. I’m gutted one of those people isn’t my mum but such is life.

Op YANBU.
I've never ever used any childcare except paid childcare so I'm not a fan of using family to look after children. Also 1.5 hours away is massive.

@Logsandcogs

hahha here we go !

if you don’t do absolutely everything your son or daughter wants even if it means sacrificing yourself and putting yourself on the back burner you will be shipped off to a home to rot in your old age! And u will fully deserve it too!

So that’s all you want for your DD, for the rest of her left, when she wants something better?

She’s picked quite a difficult vocation, no two words about it.However, she’s not asking for that much.

For you to have them one weekend day per month? You should’ve offered by now tbh .
At 10 and 15, unless they’ve additional needs too, it shouldn’t impact them that much.

Can she get an au pair? Is that an option for her, if she advertises how high her DS’s needs are so the person coming in knows what they’re getting themselves into.

I really admire her for doing this for herself. I hope her dream comes true.

It’s one of those things where people are going to have different views: there’s not exactly a right and wrong.

I hope that id offer to do this for one of my dc when they are grown up - if I was able to and not at work myself when I was being asked. On the other hand you’re not obliged to. It’s really up to you.

How much "daytime childcare during the school holidays" are we talking? One day a month and perhaps one day in the holidays is very different to one day a month plus 4 days a week during the holidays.

Are you a SAHM to your younger children or are you also trying to juggle work and childcare?

I don't blame you for not wanting to do it, but i also don't blame her for asking. Is there any level of help you would be willing to provide and that therefore you could use to open the door to a negotiation with her on what is practical?

Obviously the exh should be stepping in to do it but you can’t make that true

@NewNovember

the OP isn’t selfish

are u one of those people that think that women especially those over child bearing age should martyr themselves for the benefit of others?

I think you should be more supportive. At this stage she is unlikely to be able to train as a nurse but there are many hca roles and some which require extra training and some which are in gps surgery which she could work towards and train as a nurse later.

Thankfully my mother despite being an older grandmother is very supportive and frequently looks after both of mine so I can work.

I wouldn’t be encouraging training as a nurse if my DD was the OPs DD either. Even when she qualifies childcare is going to be a massive issue if she’s a single parent with one of her DC being disabled, having high needs and with the shift work nurses do.

What will she do when she’s on overnights and weekend shifts? Her mum is 1.5 hours away so won’t be able to take her DC to school or pick them up especially as she still has school age DC herself. Unfortunately she can’t train as a nurse unless she has a supportive live in partner and she doesn’t. That’s it sadly.

She needs to train as something else.

YANBU.
Some people prioritise their children's needs and wants over their own, some people don't. You fall into the latter.
Not everyone can be a super mum.

Whatever she wants to do, I hope she achieves it!

I feel really sorry for your DD but unfortunately when you have DCs there are lots of things you can’t do.

As a single parent myself I know how hard this is.

If you accept and your circumstances change, like you need to work more hours then you will have to let her down and she’ll have to quit her course.

I would go out of my way to help my child but I think for her own good she needs to find a way to make this work without relying on you.
That will probably mean her putting it on hold for a year or 2 and then seeing if she can do it.

Does your DD have a realistic view of what it's like to be a nurse or the time commitment to become one?

Nursing school is very long grueling hours.

It's hard enough as a single person let alone with an unhelpful stbx and 2 small children with one having special needs. She doesn't have reliable childcare for the training nor for a job. And no, that shouldn't fall on your shoulders.

Why doesn't she look into training for something in technology? She'll make a lot more money, have much more flexible hours, be able to WFH.

I hope I'm not this horrible when my daughter has kids. Wtf is wrong with you?! Your daughter is trying to better her life by training in a difficult profession with a disabled child and another baby. I think you're horrible not to help her out.

No mother I know would just say a blanket "no" in these circumstances. Mumsnet is crazy.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. If you cannot do it, you cannot do it. Nobody owes anyone else childcare.

How is your daughter going to manage shifts on placement along with academic work while she's training? She will surely need full time childcare, is she expecting you to do that too?

I'm quite sure this will have occurred to OP, and could even be part of the reason for her reluctance - and understandably so

I'm also wondering about the 15 year old sibling, and whether DD1 is eyeing them up as future childcare too ...

I'm so glad youre not my mum. Your poor DD.

She will make herself I’ll if she has to drive 3 hours before a shift and 3 hours after.

I think that she should move closer to you and you should help her but I don’t think she should be doing nursing with all the stress she already has at home. She has an awful life and she’s your daughter…you should want to help her. Although she sounds as if she’s willing to make her life even harder and she doesn’t understand how that could impact her health in the future.

It’s up to you and you are within your rights to refuse.

That being said, I’m not sure I could refuse under these circumstances. I would do everything I could to help my dc try and better themselves.

This. I'm so shocked by the callous attitudes of the OP and some other posters on this thread. I honestly don't know anyone in real life who would treat their children this way.

YANBU as no one has to do childcare, but I sort of feel that it’s not much really and that she’s not asking for it to go out partying! So morally YABU but technically YANBU!