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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to help DD out with childcare?

556 replies

reesep · 10/11/2022 17:34

DD has a son with special needs age 5, and a daughter age 1.

She has requested I look after them one day at a weekend, every month. She has also requested I do some daytime childcare during the school holidays

This is so she can get into nursing. She's desperate to be a nurse and has been accepted into a Healthcare Assistant role on bank, meaning she can pick shifts

AIBU not to provide such rigid help? It's too much of an expectation and I can't handle it

I do feel bad but it's just too much. She also lives 1.5 hours away so it would mean bringing the DC here

AIBU?

OP posts:
Blueblell · 10/11/2022 18:38

Nursing aside - whether that is feasible or not, surely you could offer to have the kids one weekend day a month. Gets your younger kids to help entertain them.

Naunet · 10/11/2022 18:39

It’s pretty infuriating that their so called father helps to brings two children into this world and then absolves himself of any responsibility for their care, leaving it to another woman to pick up after him. You shouldn’t even be in this situation in the first place.

AuntieMarys · 10/11/2022 18:39

I wouldnt do it.

thaegumathteth · 10/11/2022 18:40

Why not say you'll do the weekend ones but not the holidays? Do you ever look after them? How often do you see them?

Sounds like she's had a crap time tbh and I'd struggle not to do everything in my power to help

thelobsterquadrille · 10/11/2022 18:41

XelaM · 10/11/2022 18:30

I hope I'm not this horrible when my daughter has kids. Wtf is wrong with you?! Your daughter is trying to better her life by training in a difficult profession with a disabled child and another baby. I think you're horrible not to help her out.

No mother I know would just say a blanket "no" in these circumstances. Mumsnet is crazy.

OP works full-time, plus two other children at home.

Why on earth do you think it's her responsibility to do a three hour round trip to do childcare for her daughter on top?

Original poster
reesep · 10/11/2022 18:41

Naunet · 10/11/2022 18:39

It’s pretty infuriating that their so called father helps to brings two children into this world and then absolves himself of any responsibility for their care, leaving it to another woman to pick up after him. You shouldn’t even be in this situation in the first place.

Yep and the sad thing is, he will have his daughter but not his son. DD told him to get fucked once it became very apparent that her DD was the golden child and the little boy he had was tossed aside and 'broken goods' to him. He's disgusting

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 10/11/2022 18:41

I’d bend over backwards for my kids any day of the week.

I would not deny her this request- she is trying to make a better life for herself as her mother do you not want that?

you said her ex is useless? Is that because you introduced her to the concept of useless men henceforth she married one?

are these her step siblings? Who are 10 & 15

you seem judgmental- it’s not your concern what happens once she is required to do shifts?! They are accommodating to single parents on placement.

Dreamwhisper · 10/11/2022 18:42

I'm more in your DD's position right now than yours (young kids, working, trying to fit in a degree around that) so perhaps it's not fair of me to say but I would be doing anything I could to support her in her qualification.

Even if that means picking up 50% of what she's asked and saying along the lines of if you can source childcare for x times then I can have them at y times but I just can't commit to x and y time due to your younger siblings and my own commitments.

I just know that the same as how I feel about my DC at this age, I'd do what I could to support them to better themselves. Especially if they were a single parent.

Original poster
reesep · 10/11/2022 18:42

thaegumathteth · 10/11/2022 18:40

Why not say you'll do the weekend ones but not the holidays? Do you ever look after them? How often do you see them?

Sounds like she's had a crap time tbh and I'd struggle not to do everything in my power to help

I see them every Sunday or every Saturday, DD comes for dinner

I don't work so I could see her in the week sometimes as we do meet up, but she does have to rush back to be home in time for her son's transport van to arrive back

OP posts:
AndyWarholsPiehole · 10/11/2022 18:42

This. I'm so shocked by the callous attitudes of the OP and some other posters on this thread. I honestly don't know anyone in real life who would treat their children this way

I'm shocked you and others would actually happily lump such a burden on your own mothers. Do you not love your own mother enough to want to make her life easier as she gets older?!

Beanly · 10/11/2022 18:42

XelaM · 10/11/2022 18:36

This. I'm so shocked by the callous attitudes of the OP and some other posters on this thread. I honestly don't know anyone in real life who would treat their children this way.

Show quote history

Likewise.

I don't have DC (yet, because of my career) but have trained for a long time and work in the NHS. Despite not having a need for childcare, my parents have helped a LOT particularly in the run up to exams. My colleagues are mostly in a similar boat. Didn't realise how lucky we are to be looked after by our parents in our time of need judging by this thread...

Original poster
reesep · 10/11/2022 18:43

They are accommodating to single parents on placement.

They really aren't

OP posts:
thaegumathteth · 10/11/2022 18:43

So do your own kids have additional needs? Do you? If you're not working and otherwise no additional issues I think yabvu not to help

Dreamwhisper · 10/11/2022 18:43

You don't work?

Man I don't know, I know we're all different but there's no way I could justify not helping to myself. I assumed you had work commitments to juggle too.

wast542 · 10/11/2022 18:44

Why wouldn't you want to help her get on in her career? Sad

minidancer · 10/11/2022 18:45

If you don't work and your children are at school I think in your position I would definitely be helping.

Spacejamming · 10/11/2022 18:46

OP as someone in a similar position to your daughter - except I have started my course. I rely on my retired parents A LOT. Placement hours are long. I don’t think your daughter is being realistic about how much help she will need. It’s wonderful she wants to do it but if you aren’t able to look after her children when she’s on placement, do the school run etc (which it sounds like you are too far away to do), the timing for her to start might not be right.

Waitingfordecember · 10/11/2022 18:47

I don’t think she’s asking for a lot of help. I get that you have your own children still at home, but she didn’t choose to have significantly younger siblings. Was she ever asked to babysit or miss out on anything because she had much younger siblings (friends to stay over/ lifts/ age appropriate days out etc)?

Or will you want to help your younger children with childcare if they need it in the future?

If the answer to either of these questions is yes, it would be incredibly unfair not to help your daughter now. If the answer is no, it’s up to you whether you support your daughter or not, though it will probably affect your relationship going forward.

Riverlee · 10/11/2022 18:47

You are under no obligation to help, especially as you have commitments elsewhere. 1 1/2 hours is a three hour round trip.

GrandOleOpryNights · 10/11/2022 18:48

You don’t have to but expect it to affect your relationship with your daughter. She’s not really asking for much.

I helped my friend in similar circumstances get through her degree, one Saturday every 3 weeks and in school holidays for the odd day or two. I can’t imagine not doing it for my children.

SnackyOnassis · 10/11/2022 18:50

Wow.
I've had my differences with my parents over the years, but reading your post and replies OP has really made me count my blessings. I hope you never have the gall ask her for anything in your later years. The thought of denying my child the chance of further education and training because I don't like the idea of being tied down is just bizarre to me.

Also, the cheek of you saying her husband is disgusting for not wanting to look after his son because it's too difficult when you've said exactly the same thing? It doesn't make him any better, but it certainly shouldn't make you feel good about yourself.

russetmellow · 10/11/2022 18:50

If you don't work and your DCs are 10 and 15 could you offer some sort of timeframe, eg when your youngest is in secondary school? In your position I can see why your DD would ask you to help.

passport123 · 10/11/2022 18:50

Could you help her to brainstorm other careers that aren't so demanding with shift patterns etc and offer some childcare while she trains for something else?

PinkSox · 10/11/2022 18:51

Sometimes, being a parent of adult children you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I agreed to have my first GS one day a week. Then he went to school and I ended up with GD one day a week, plus both one/two days a week during school holidays.
Then DS 2 had children so I ended up doing 2 days a week childcare. As time has gone on I am now stuck with doing 3 days a week plus 3 days with all 5 GC during school holidays. I love the bones of my GC but there is very good reason women over a certain age can’t have children. It’s exhausting!

Only commit to what you know you can, comfortably, manage OP. If you can’t, comfortably, commit to training days it will get a whole lot worse when dd is working full time. You will be expected to take on the childcare to fit with her work rota.

Ask your dd if she will care for your teenagers one day a month plus extras during school holidays for you to start work OP. It works both ways.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 10/11/2022 18:51

Personally, I would do it for my daughter. It doesn't sound that much. However the risk is that there will also be the chance that you will have to have them a lot more than you or she is originally anticipating if she gets on to the course.

I'm a nurse. Being a student nurse was brutal. Full time placement 37.5 hours and about 20 hours a week study on top of that, which would be very difficult with kids running around.

She will need very robust childcare in place. We were advised by uni that we needed to fit in with placement hours, they won't fit around us. Some people joined the course regardless and expected placement to be extremely flexible and had to drop out of the course when they couldn't facilitate that.